I re-read my post and I certainly didn't mean to infer that you're stupid, but I can see how you might have taken it that way....so sorry. I more meant to imply that you were tempting him to delete those files....glad to know you retrieved them though :-)
I hate to say this, but I don't think your H is going to do a darned thing by your anniversary...I have a gut feeling he's trying to force your hand because he wants out and doesn't want to be the "bad guy". So he pushes and pushes, and does things like he does, that are disrepectful and hurtful....in order to push YOU to do something.
I suggest you don't leave the house though, you have the kids to think of too (and I know you have thought of them)....pack his bags and leave them on the porch for HIM. That way you've followed through with your ultimatum, but you aren't uprooting your kids....he's the one who should be inconvenienced, not the kids (like you don't already know that. )
I'm so sorry that he's not stepping up and being a man about this...unfortunately sometimes no matter how hard we try sometimes things simply don't work out.
Oh I know you weren't calling me stupid. I didn't take it that way as offending to me.
Green you said this.......
Quote: I hate to say this, but I don't think your H is going to do a darned thing by your anniversary...I have a gut feeling he's trying to force your hand because he wants out and doesn't want to be the "bad guy". So he pushes and pushes, and does things like he does, that are disrepectful and hurtful....in order to push YOU to do something.
This was almost scary for you to have wrote this. To have picked up on it. Because I have felt this way for a loooong time. I guess that is why I am at a point where I am just tired of it. The one good thing we did is talk before marriage. We both laid out on the table what we wanted in a spouse. I have really thought about this. He wanted someone who wanted to have children.....I did. He wanted someone who wouldn't get married and think marriage meant sex stops.....I have never been that way. He wanted someone who didn't party as in his drugs because his ex did drugs and it really bothered him....I have never partied. He wanted someone who would never cheat as his ex cheated on him several times....I have never cheated. He wanted someone who would be a good mom. One that was involved and was a SAHM raising our children together. I was always this. In fact for us to have children it is something I also let him know was important to me. If I was going to have children I wanted to raise them until school.
Now through marriage I have been what he asked of. He did change on one of those things though. Through the years he had brought up a couple of issues....one I gained weight and I lost the weight. So no longer an issue. Number two...when out son was 3 he started making comments about me working. I told him for me to work I would pay everything to daycare. I told him we agreed to this from the beginning. This is something he seemed very resentful about. So anyway children are in school and yet another thing I have worked on. I got a job and am making pretty good money. Just one more thing that I could pinpoint that I could work on and it was an expectation of his. You would think he would be happy as can be. But I get the job and he offers very little help in the home. Making the only time off I have to be spent running errands and cleaning.Also he goes to that dating site and registers. Very hurtful things to do when your wife is out busting her butt which is osmething you expect. So I have come to a point where I am just ready to call it quits and I mean those words 100%. I can't and I hve tried to look at another thing I can do to fix this marriage. I have spent the last 11 years of marriage trying to be all he wnted and give him all he wanted. I am at a point where I am just tired of being the only one trying. I don't have it in me anymore. I keep trying to muster up some strength but I just don't have it. I always thought I would be an emotional wreck if we broke up. But when I think about it I am at ease and think positives. We have been working opposite shifts so I have gotten a taste of what it would be like. I found myself smiling more and less stressed.
He thinks that he doesn't have to work on anything. He thinks he is fine. He never offers an appology at all for anything. He never tries to talk to me or explain anything. Honestly it's like he lives in this fantasy world. he thinks he can find an even much younger woman then me which the age he put on the dating site was 20-29.....he is 40. Then give her sex twice a month (maybe) and masturbate the rest and it's like he thinks another woman could be thrilled with that. I don't know it's like he just doesn't get how much this hurts and affects a woman. Or how much less of a man any woman would think he was. When he has no sex drive but would register on a dating site.
I don't mean this to sound hurtful...but it's possible he gets a sexual thrill from websites like that dating site....it may be the "newness" of someone else he is looking, he may think that will add that spark to his sex drive...and it may temporarily, but it will eventually fail too. The fact remains....you don't do what he is doing in a M...period! And you recognize that.
His telling you that he was just trying to get your goat is nothing but a bunch of bull too....fortunately you recognize that as well. He got caught, now he's trying to minimalize what he's done.
I can relate to you on where you are at right now...I was at that point with my XH when I left him. For me, I knew I was done when I began looking forward to days without having to deal with him, when I started seeing more positives than negatives to being M to him. Looking back it really was quite sad....I tried, and tried, and tried to work things out for a few years to no avail; eventually my loving feelings toward him just died...one morning I woke up and realized I didn't love the man I lived with anymore and that I was done.....I moved out by the end of the week...and THAT is what it took to wake him up, THAT was the last day he ever took a drink and he's still sober today (his current W can thank me for that )
I guess what I'm saying is this....don't be surprised if you kicking him out, or you moving out (which I don't suggest) isn't the catalyst necessary to snap him out of it. He may not snap out of it, but he hasn't lost everything yet....once he gets a taste of you and the kids not being around he may not like it and may want to do whatever it takes to get you back.
Quote: His telling you that he was just trying to get your goat is nothing but a bunch of bull too....fortunately you recognize that as well. He got caught, now he's trying to minimalize what he's done.
Yeah I do know this. Actually I just told him this morning if he goes to that site again he can get the hell out of our house that day. Last night I checke the history and he was there. He can't do much because he didn't pay for it. So he can't even respond to e-mails. But just the thought I told him this hurt me. He says okay if it did hurt your feelings I am sorry it was only meant as a joke. But then go back. This is the third time he has went back since we started fighting about it. So I canceled his entire e-mail account on this computer and changed my password for the main one.
LOL Sometimes I feel like I have the most difficult man in the world. But that is how I feel Green like what you described with your ex. I am just at that point. I would like to feel love towards him again. Expecially for our childrens sake. But right now it is just not there. I keep asking him to leave but he won't. He ignores everything I say. I don't know what measure I can take to get him out. But right now that is what I feel needs to happen. Part of me feels I am asking him to leave and giving him the out. It can all be blamed on me. But he doesn't. That confuses the heck out of me. Why not go and be free and happy. Probably because he won't have me to do everything. He is very irresponsible. I don't think he ever handled finances in his life.
Maybe I'm off-base, but I feel like there is an essential similarity between your sich, my sich and the sich of Julie. With your sich being the worst and Julie's being the best at the moment. The thing I can't figure out is what exactly is making the difference. Is Julie more differentiated than you or I or is her H simply less of a jerk than yours or mine?
I've had many a day when I've felt just about the way you're feeling now. Recently I had a thought that was either very perverse or very differentiated or some combination of the two. I was thinking I ought to tell my H that if he wants to have sex with some other women that would be alright with me and I wouldn't even "retaliate" by stepping out myself because I am sick of feeling like I am in competition with some sort of fantasy woman. Sort of the ultimate "If you love something, set it free..." mindset. Actually, I did say something kind of along those lines when we were fighting recently and maybe that's the reason why I've gotten laid 4x this week. What I said was "Please feel free to leave me and go find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you to lust after if that is what you want.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
When you talk to him...do you keep your anger under control? I've noticed you've mentioned in some other posts that you can tend to go off (well who wouldn't right?). If you go off at him...and say that the next time he does this something will happen, and then don't follow-through he's learning his behavior is ok (no matter what you say). You'll get angry, you'll make threats....but really nothing happens.
There are things you can do.......such as packing his bags when he's gone after you find he's visited the site yet again.....and leave them by the curb for him (I mean toiletries and everything....clean out his closet, use trash bags if necessary), then lock the door....heck change the locks if you need to. If he chooses to straighten up....you can always give him the keys. But, tell him what he would have to do to get eventually get back in.....counseling etc. I know right now you feel like your feelings for him are gone, and boy-o-boy do I understand that.....but they may just be buried really deep under all that hurt, anger, and resentment.....that is what I found a year after my XH and I split. FYI, he and I are now good friends, had he not been dating his current W for a bit when I finally realized I wasn't angry anymore....we'd probably still be together now.
If we had children together I would have probably worked much harder at reconciling....but for me it definitely would have required a temporary separation. Perhaps that's what you need....space & a bit of time to get over the hurt/anger. Counseling (if he agrees) during that time can be instrumental at reconstructing your M & your family.
I guess what I'm saying is this.....there are definitely things you can do to reinforce your boudnaries....but don't jump straight to the big "D".....unless that's what YOU are sure YOU want.
Green as always you are helpful. It does make sense. Maybe there is love buried under all this hurt. I do go off all the time. I even say hurtful things. It's like no matter what I say or how I handle it it never matters. So anger is like it has come natural. Because I am never listened to anyway. So I guess my mind set is to do it loudly.
I think a a seperation would be good at this point. I am not fully sure I want a divorce. But I feel I need space. I really need that space away from him right now. I think he is afraid deep down that if we do seperate I will find someone to replace him. He knows deep down that I am a good wife and mother. He also knows that I am a sexual woman. If I were to be single and find a new man that loved sex..then I am sure my husband thinks why the heck would she want to come back to me the LD man who masturbates a couple times a week but don't satisfy my wife.
But you are right I need to follow through. If he goes to the dating site again I will pack his bags and put them outside. I have even contacted a lawyer to see if it comes down to it if I can file a motion and make him leave. The lawyer is looking into it. I absolutely HATE to be ugly and mean about him leaving. I am just at a loss. Because I don't know what else to do. He refuses to go to counseling. He refuses to get help about his sex drive. Or at least look into the possibility that it might be medical. He is childish about finances. I am working my butt off at work and in the home because he won't help. He tells me he helps he just don't jump when I want him. He told me to make a list if I needed stuff done. I made and tried the list last week..he said my cleaning materials weren't up to par for him to clean the bathrooms. So of course I did it on my day off. I spent both my days off cleaning. He wanted me to work and now he seems like he has an attitude since I started working.
Quote: I've had many a day when I've felt just about the way you're feeling now. Recently I had a thought that was either very perverse or very differentiated or some combination of the two. I was thinking I ought to tell my H that if he wants to have sex with some other women that would be alright with me and I wouldn't even "retaliate" by stepping out myself because I am sick of feeling like I am in competition with some sort of fantasy woman. Sort of the ultimate "If you love something, set it free..." mindset. Actually, I did say something kind of along those lines when we were fighting recently and maybe that's the reason why I've gotten laid 4x this week. What I said was "Please feel free to leave me and go find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you to lust after if that is what you want.".
JJ I have said this same thing out of anger. I have also suggested that if he can't satisfy me maybe we could open up the marriage for me to step out. I told him I didn't think it would be fair for him to because he don't like sex that much. Deep down that is not what I want. I want him to love and desire sex like me and with me. JJ Is your husband also very immature about finances and what have you? Like expects you to be a mommy kind of?
Quote: He told me to make a list if I needed stuff done. I made and tried the list last week..he said my cleaning materials weren't up to par for him to clean the bathrooms. So of course I did it on my day off. I spent both my days off cleaning.
Cally, find out what cleaning materials he requires that will be up to par. And then get them.
Your H sounds very narcassistic. Everything has to be his way...and as long as YOU reflect the way HE thinks things should be he's fine....does that sound familiar?
)
I didn't take it that way as offending to me.
I keep trying to muster up some strength but I just don't have it. I always thought I would be an emotional wreck if we broke up. But when I think about it I am at ease and think positives. We have been working opposite shifts so I have gotten a taste of what it would be like. I found myself smiling more and less stressed. 
