Don't know if my PMA is high or low. I'm just plumb tuckered out! It must be all this thinking! j/k - I'm sure it's from traveling over 1000 miles in one weekend! Besides my trips down to Chicago, we went to a fourth of July picnic yesterday and although the k's had a ball, we were still on the road a lot.
Talked to my mom & dad today, they've been trying to call me also to see that we got home ok. My ex apparently just left their place this morning! He was over to drop off something for dad, I guess and was complaining that he couldn't get hold of me the day before. They told him neither could they. HMMM!!!
Ok, I have to confess something here. I am homesick terribly this weekend. Seeing my parents for only a short time and having such a long drive to do that has got to me. I used to visit them every other weekend pre-D, and sometimes much more in the summer (they do own a pool!)
So here's my dilemma! As you all know, I made up my mind to jumpstart my career and let it lead me to a new location if necessary. But w/all the conflict w/ex, I have not applied to any jobs in my home state. I am seriously thinking about doing that now, and it wouldn't have to be in the same city. I am beginning to think that I have so many fears of being rejected by him, and I haven't even went back there at all since the D(5months), not even for a visit to family.
I have prepared myself to having to work out all of s8's arrangements when I go back to work. (school, daycare, and therapies) Now I keep asking myself - if I'm willing to do that in Minneapolis or Knoxville, why not in Michigan?
And since ex limits our contact, he really can't 'see' any of my good GAL efforts especially since he doesn't want to hear me talk about my accomplishments. The only Galling I can do is to be absent when he calls and that is frustrating me to no end!
Ok, everyone just whack me one and tell me this is just a temporary homesickness and I will get over it soon. I just don't know yet how to proceed this week. T
Ooopppss! Just noticed that the last post had went triple!
Ok. Having a little difficulty in keeping my crazymaker from going off or my expectations at low today.
I had to balance up my budget after 3 days, and I hadn't thought anything about this when ex sent the c/s w/my dad. He only sent the monthly amount that he has been sending and nothing extra like he promised a week ago. We had discussed bday presents, I invited him up for bday (as you may remember, he wouldn't commit) and he had said he would split the cost of the gifts. S8's bday is in two weeks.
I suppose this is just another MLC thing that he has probably forgot about it by now. Oh well.
But since confusion is prominent; I'll keep posting. Maybe I am beginning my own MLC!
Ok, I went back over the old mail from ex, there was three different court letters, and I had them mixed up last nite. I was thinking that I had to have a reply in by May 1, but it was my copy just stating that ex needed to file our div papers by May 1. It seems he hadn't done that since Feb and after 90 days the case is thrown out. When I talked to my atty's office in June, she said she still hadn't rec'd any papers. So now I am really curious if I am div or not?
On another note, I did go off a bit on ex over not calling when I we got home last nite. Sent him an email letting him know that I was upset and wanted to talk to him this weekend and that I thought it was rude and asked him if he hated me. (I know this was totally against d/b, but I am tired of having to wait around for a phone call)
He waited before he replied and sent a very pleasant email asking if we enjoyed the 4th and that no, he is not mad at me.
This is beginning to feel like our roles have been reversed! but maybe my changes have started something here. I just don't know how to proceed at this point. I have found a few jobs to apply to in Mich and still keep some distance between us. (I have eliminated most of the state tho w/my restrictions; I don't want to work near Detroit, near ex, or in the u.p. where it gets so cold!)
I guess that's enough rambling for the nite, time to get to bed!
I don't know what to say. Your sitch has become a little confusing in the past couple of weeks. It almost seems like you are the WAW, not your H!
I mean, he is contacting your parents and saying all these hopeful things and you are trying to keep your distance from him. What gives?
I guess so many things are happening that things are in a period of flux and confusion. E.g.: 1. Your job search. 2. Feedback from your parents. 3. The paper fiasco. (Do you think your ex engineered things so that the paperwork would fall through?).
Perhaps clarity will emerge when you have finally settled on 1.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I agree UD, this sitch confuses me. I finally had a chance to read through Bruce's 'As If' post and the part that says what advice would you give a newcomer w/your sitch has me really puzzled. I don't know how to even respond to myself!
This role reversal has actually occurred before in our M; when I was traveling w/s8 years ago for medical followups, ex would tell everyone that I left him and so I would hurry up and come back to him. Even my parents never understood why I kept leaving and I explained it was for s until my face was blue!
So this time, I need to shake things up differently, I can't just go running back to him (what w/being div and all)
As for the div, I'm sure that he did file the paperwork, I journaled extensively the night he called me to tell me he did and I went back and found the day. (it was two days before the deadline!) To some point I feel like I am being tested over and over to see if my changes are going to last. (He knew that I was making changes in my life before d-day, but said he didn't believe they would stick.)
When I said I wanted to keep some distance, I mean that I don't want to live next door! We come from a small town and I feel that would be too much pressure on ex. But there are jobs that are half an hour or an hour away and that could make the whole sitch better for s8.
The one goal w/us that I want to work on right now is the communication (the job goal is for me!) Ex always complained that our communication is a major problem; I didn't tell him enough about what is going on. Most of the time I did though and he just wasn't listening. Now he has imposed so many restrictions on talking that I don't know how to break it. He gets very upset if I call him (using up his cell phone minutes) and that's why I don't. He shut off his home phone so I can't call there. The majority of my emails get ignored and I can't get through to him to call at a reasonable time over the weekends. (I almost wonder if he planned to call while I was gone on Sunday)
So back to the job hunt today. I will be applying to mostly Mich jobs and calling my recruiter there. T
Family nearby is a huge plus, in my book. Plus they have a pool! What 8yo wouldn't love that!
I'd consider it, pressure or no. If you do get back together, family might help you two to have the time you need to work on things, improve it.
Are the jobs nearby reasonably comparable to those elsewhere, and will your family be non-interfering should a reconciliation be attempted?
H not helping with S8's gifts is tough, yet it fits with the self-focus of the WAS, doesn't it? S8 is really blessed to have you as him mom. How is he doing thru all this?
Thanks for the reminder about communication. I need to revisit that topic as well.
I even miss the pool! My parents put one in the year after we moved there (I was 12) and all my k's learned to swim before they were 5yo! (They had to tho, the shallow part is 4ft!) There is a local pool here, but it always seems too crowded to go.
Ok, the day has helped boost my pma a little bit! Another phone interview that went well, and I sent a small check and letter to my credit card company and they cashed it. That didn't even dent the minimum payment due, but I'm hoping it takes the past due off my credit report. I will just keep working away at this debt and eventually I'll be clear.
The only thing that has really lowered the pma today is the fact I keep dropping everything I touch and then I almost threw away $40 tonight! I'm just going to leave the cleaning until tomorrow!
So Mich seems to be the most prominent place for my job search today. The positive side of going there is family, friends, and church being there. (I have some of that here, but closer ties to everyone there) The negative side of this is that I don't want to go back there w/any expectations of a new R. It might happen and it might not. Either way I want to make sure I am moving back to Michigan for myself and the boys. My oldest one does not want to move. (he only has one more year of h.s.) So I have to find the right job opportunity and let him know that it will be better this way.
The youngest s is doing ok. He likes routine and had lived in this same apt prior to the div. (Ex and I had picked out this area to live pre-bomb and I was able to keep the rent on this place current throughout the div) A change in living arrangements may disrupt him some and visitations may confuse him; but he needs some time w/dad. I just hope ex doesn't reject him again if we do get the choice to move closer. That would be hard.
Off to bed and back to the job hunting tomorrow. Oh, but I do hope to get some cleaning done tomorrow. I feel like I have just moved in again w/the truckload coming up!
T PS. Ex did send me my helmet! Now I just have to learn to ride!
I feel for your oldest S, but maybe if he understands you have to move for a job anyway?? It will suck having to start in a new high school for a single year, but it looks like that will happen whether you move back to MI or not. So maybe he can take a role in helping decide the places you are looking at. At least elicit his opinion.
I agree wholeheartedly that you can not move solely for your ex's sake. He hasn't shown enough signs of life. He hasn't made the efforts that would tell you there is a step in the right direction.
Good job on the job interviews and keeping your PMA up. I'm sure these people are seeing the person you are. After all your efforts you have to look like a strong person.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I'm beginning to think that my PMA is down since I had a falling out over the weekend w/a friend/neighbor. He has been so critical of me lately and I've responded in return, but haven't stood up enough to get him to stop.
First it was about ex (don't give him the time of day if he can't come see his s), then it's my dog (I haven't scheduled his haircut yet, since his vet bill was so high) then my kids (been teasing the youngest who doesn't get it, and this really annoys me and he complained about how my oldest is too picky- funny, he ate 4 plates of food at the picnic before dessert!) and then when he helped us move stuff in off the truck, wanted to tell me how to rearrange my apt! So, yep, this is why my PMA is down! I don't need friends like this, but I worry that he may get p!ssed and try and get me evicted. (He reports others in our building over stupid annoyances) I'm so ready to move away from them.
Still a bit unsure of moving to Mich. Ex has made comments in the past about it, that it would be interfering w/his freedom, but if the right opportunity comes up; I don't care! Why should it matter anyways, since we are div?
I did talk it over w/s over a month ago, he didn't have too much opinion on location, just gets upset over another move. So I'm making the choice based on a job offer and will involve him again at that point. (I don't mind driving up to 45 minutes to work if the school system is good)
Otherwise, today is good. Not dropping everything as much so maybe I can get some cleaning done. And I'll keep plugging away on the job goal. Starting to get a bit stressed since a lot of places don't offer relo benefits and don't know how I will come up w/moving exp! It will all work out. (I keep telling myself that!) T
He was over to drop off something for dad, I guess and was complaining that he couldn't get hold of me the day before. They told him neither could they. HMMM!!! 
We come from a small town and I feel that would be too much pressure on ex. But there are jobs that are half an hour or an hour away and that could make the whole sitch better for s8. 
