Sorry if I offended you with my question on your XH being S8's father. My meaning in asking that question was whether you were M before and S8 was your XH's stepson. I am not fully familiar with your history with XH because your current thread does not have that info. My apologies to you.
Now, it is still puzzling to me why he would not want to see S8 more often. Your reasons: 1. He is acting like a sore loser on teh custody issue. 2. He does not want to see S8 because he does not want to see you. Both of these seem like they dont make any sense. It may just be typical MLC checking-out behavior. I read your post on Jo's question regarding reasons for D and his reasons seem consistent with MLC. You know, it seems like money (or lack thereof) was a big issue in your D. In that regard, your finding a job and getting financially settled may be the most positive thing that you can do for your R. Since, even where you are, XH seems disinclined to visit S8, why not take a well-paying job where it becomes available and let XH worry about moving so he can see S8 more? Just questioning....I don't know.
Regarding the anniversary issue, mentioning all the good things in your M is nto a good idea. Michele mentions that explicitly in DR as being not a good idea. Just my 0.02.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
The e-mail interaction sounds good. Way to go. I'd like to weigh in on the anniversary issue. What I did was send an e-mail saying "Happy anniversary. I know it is odd, but I do appreciate the years we shared." In your situation I'm not sure how much reminiscing I'd do. I think that for us post-D people that this is primarily about making a new R and forgetting the old one. Essentially starting over from scratch.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
No offense taken at all UD! Ours was a very ugly div in some ways, and I haven't really posted any history on it as it just rehashes it all in my mind! Apologies aren't necessary. (We did marry after s was born.)
While the custody battle was at full war, I was ready to walk away from ex and start over. He wanted me around but kept giving all those reasons listed on Jo's thread. It was very confusing and I gave into his pursuing and begged for a chance to make it work. (totally against dbing - And of course, the pleading failed!) But a lot of his conditions had been worked on throughout the div; it just seems that since he started it; he was going to finish it no matter how much I changed!
He definitely fits into the MLC category and did not really have a good childhood. Had to grow up too fast and was mostly neglected by his parents. (middle child syndrome) So for that matter, he may never come out of this MLC. He told me he went to visit them on Easter, and was upset over still being ignored the whole day.
He does check out frequently and may still do that to the other kids. I'm not close enough to see but have heard that he is helping w/ss19 in building a bike. That can be typical for him; help w/kids' fun stuff, but then checks out again as soon as they start asking for too much. He gave that speech over and over - 'all i do is help others and never do anything for myself'
Quote: Since, even where you are, XH seems disinclined to visit S8, why not take a well-paying job where it becomes available and let XH worry about moving so he can see S8 more? Just questioning....I don't know.
I just don't know either. Keep telling myself- go where the jobs are and if he wants to start over he will move. I do want to keep some proximity to my family and need to factor that into any decisions.
I agree w/you and Bruce. I will put my note away for me to read through those memories at times, but will totally ignore the date and not even mention it to him. I will let you know if he remembers, but I'm not willing to bet on it! T
I was going to get back on here earlier, since I seem to sense bitterness in my posts today, and I don't really mean it!
The history is done; I've accepted my faults and his in the failure of our M and I am ready to move on wherever that takes us!
And that could be Minnesota, or Tennessee or right here in grand old Cheeseland!
I found a job that I really, really, really want! Ground floor opportunity with room to grow. New facility to an OEM manufacturer.
OH...OH...OH! I am so excited about this I can barely type! Minneapolis position called right back today wanting to get me in for a personal interview as soon as tomorrow! I put them off until Friday so I can be a little better prepared.
And I expect that I may hear back from the other company in a day or two, also. That one is close to one of my dd and would shorten up the drive for ex!
Speaking of whom, I left him a message to call me so I can impart some of my excitement on him.
What fun this is! I'm not really as excited about the minn job, but then I won't know until I check them out. It's more programming and I want to stay focused on the engineering side of my career. I will wait to see what they have to say on that Friday!
t/c all, T
Well, I had another interview tonight! Almost messed it up being so late and not thinking; but this recruiter said he might be able to get me in for a personal interview yet this week. wow!
but my bubble has burst. at least for tonight. I should be back to my cheery old self by tomorrow.
Ex never bothered to call me back, so I called him. All he wanted to do was talk about himself. He seemed to know something about every single company that I have talked to today. I kept the pma going and as soon as he would start rambling, I'd say ok, I'll let you go. Then he would say, no, no, tell me what you wanted to say. I'd say about a sentence and he would start all over again.
I am getting so tired of his games. This selfish attitude has gone on for over 4 years, well, maybe even longer than that. It wasn't long after we M that he started up w/all he ever does is take care of others.
And since this attitude now affects our s8, I don't know how much more dbing I can do.
Quote: Side note: Ex was all out of breath when he answered the phone.
I just realized this - he only has a cell phone.
Why would he have to run, when he carries this on his belt?
I feel a little stupid now, I interrupted something.
Now whose crazymaker is working overtime. He wouldn't have bothered talking if he was in the midst of what you are thinking. There are plenty of ways to get out of breath besides running to the phone or having sex. I think it's a positive that he talked to you for quite a bit.
You have the opposite problem of me. My ex doesn't talk much and yours talks too much. But your sitch is better....you can listen and validate. That's something I need to do more of. It's great your PMA was up and you wanted to share your job stuff with him. His sharing was probably his way of showing interest. I think it's good. He could have heard your news, grunted, and said bye.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Ok, I will admit the crazymaker got the best of me.
Last nite's convo was the biggest hurt since the R talk. He was on an ego trip and I could not get any of my excitement through to him. Every company I said I talked to yesterday, he knows all about them and tried to tell me 'facts' that weren't true. I mentioned that one was a division of 'Kanzaki' and he says no, it's 'Kawasaki'. (I had the web page, I know who I was talking too!) but I'll let him wallow in his ego for now. He may feel threatened again by my progress. Or it may just be his way, he's done this for years.
He is acting like the rebellious teenager that knows everything!
And he is still playing games w/the truck and my c/s! Looking over the truck tonight and it might not be ready for this weekend! And he hasn't made it to the bank yet!
Ok, the PMA just went back up another notch. It was really high after receiving FOUR phone interviews yesterday, but he knocked it down. The job I like just emailed me back this morning to say they WILL work me in for an interview. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait......
Hmmm. I really don't know how to db around him anymore. It's hard to keep validating someone when they don't care about your feelings. T
Quote: Hmmm. I really don't know how to db around him anymore. It's hard to keep validating someone when they don't care about your feelings.
Then don't. He's probably threatened by all the interest you are getting. Don't worry about him at all. Just think of yourself and the job you want in the location you want. When he's genuinely interested he'll show it in a less egocentric manner (maybe). You've started the ball rolling as far as contact is concerned so now the ball is in his court. I personally think that you'll know where you stand by how he behaves in the next several weeks. If he is interested he'll ask about your job search and also at least express interest in where you might be moving. If he doesn't then maybe he isn't worth it until he can consider other people in his equation.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I tell you, all of the things that your XH does, my WAW does to me. 1. MLCers are very insecure about themselves and will only talk about themselves. In fact, my W will be silent and look down at the floor if I tell her anything positive that happened to me. This is typical of MLCers. They don't want to see you in a positive light (yet) because it makes them feel guilty. Remember, when they left, they made up this image of you as being totally inept and incapable of things. Well, everytime we take charge of our lives and advance after they leave that false image is negated. You keep doing what you are doing and dont expect (overt) approbation from him. remember, this is a power game. His telling about all the things he "knows" about the companies etc is his way of trying to get the power back (see, i know more than you kind of thing) when deep down he knows he is losing it. 2." He may feel threatened again by my progress. Or it may just be his way, he's done this for years. He is acting like the rebellious teenager that knows everything!" - Hey, he is eating pie, its no longer the weak, can-do-no-good dejavu that he invented to justify his leaving. Keep showing him the new dejavu and in good time he will respect you (more importantly you will respect yourself more). 3. "I really don't know how to db around him anymore." - what do you mean, you are doing great!!!! You are doing 180's, acting confident, GAL, taking charge of your own happiness. You are doing awesome!! Stay positive. 4. "It's hard to keep validating someone when they don't care about your feelings." - MLCers and WAWs are hurt puppies, they are so self-absorbed and self-centered. Let him be...you get better.
I wish you so much success in your job hunt. You deserve it.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I kept the pma going and as soon as he would start rambling, I'd say ok, I'll let you go. Then he would say, no, no, tell me what you wanted to say. I'd say about a sentence and he would start all over again. 
