The pma is still fairly high. Had to work on that some yesterday since I was really wore out this week and figured ex would call us and I wanted a positive voice. I don't want to sound fake on the phone! Of course to top that off I was feeling a little under the weather the past two days and my voice kept cracking!
No phone calls from him, and I don't want to come off as pursuing so I'm not calling him; just keep working on GAL. I almost have the feeling that ex may have started the withdrawal stage of MLC. hmm?
Anyways, life is still good. I am really supposed to be working on a resume rewrite for a recruiter in Cleveland and can't put myself into it. The job sounds interesting and it is half the distance closer to ex. But something about this recruiter has just rubbed me the wrong way and I am not looking forward to proceeding w/her. I wonder if I should be that blunt and say, I don't like you. Let someone else in the office work w/me. But then I don't think I would like Cleveland either.
I feel like I am wavering on my decisions here. I want to stay in the midwest and really looking at staying close to where we live now, I want to be able to drive here on a Friday night and spend weekends during the summertime. I have an interview for a company west of me, that would be convenient for that; but puts further distance between ex and I. Am I ready to pursue from a greater distance? Oh, wait, I'm not pursuing!
I just wish sometimes life could be a little more simple! But then don't we all! T
ps. here's a good saying i came across today: Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life. - B.A. Hills
Oh..oh..oh..oh! ex finally called tonite and we talked for an hour! No pursuing, no guilt trips from me and a lot of pma shown to him. And s8 told him off!
It was a little uncomfortable at first. I was uptight since he waited so late in the weekend and I finally blew off my tension by telling him we were worried what had happened to him. He apologized and starts on about how great his job is going right now, so I tell him about my interviews coming up. I told him we could be moving almost anywhere, I just have to decide when the offers come in. (hope that isn't putting a guilt trip on him) Of course, he comes back w/the statement that there just aren't any jobs around him. I said well, there are some, but I hadn't applied to any of them yet.
Ex did start backing out on the truck, first thought it was the week after next, then he doesn't want to send any of our stuff, just the truck!
he asked about s8 and I said he's been a little upset since we thought he would call before this and I was trying to get him ready for bed. I did put s8 on the phone and when dad asked how he's doing, s replies 'just waiting for dad'
We talked about bday gifts, he didn't have any ideas, but liked mine and said he will share in the cost. I did tell him if he wanted to make the trip up here to see s; I had already okayed it w/d24 to stay w/her. That confused him for a minute, but then he said he just didn't know if he could get the time for a while.
We did talk for a while on some financial stuff; I brought it up to show him how I was handling my end of that issue. He seemed a little testy off and on during the conversation, but I kept the pma going strong. (that was one of the big issues for the div)
Then he did actually make a plan on calling next week. First it was going to be on the weekend, and I said w/the truck and other plans I probably wouldn't be around much. So he said he will call us tues eve after the 4th! That works!
But I am hoping something positive pans out on one of the jobs this week as he said it was ok to email or call him during the week! I just will keep breaking him down little by little. Oh, and I emailed him a “thank you for the call, that it was really nice talking to you tonight”
So, now I may give Cleveland another look and see what really is happening in Michigan! Wes, I’ll be joining you on that pursuing trail soon! j/k! T
Sounds like a good start. I'm glad you got the opportunity to tell him about your life and listen in return. Maybe he got the hint about keeping in touch with your son and that you are doing great without him. Should look much more attractive.
I imagine there is a lot to the convo that isn't on here. If you talked for an hour on the phone it must have been fairly relaxed for both of you.
My thought/concern is that right now all of the power of contact is with him. He says he'll call such and such a time and you are waiting for it. Or you expect a call on a weekend and it could be anytime or not at all. I'd just be sure that if he isn't faithful on calling that you aren't just waiting by the phone. Don't put off anything to wait for this call. So you can't call at all? Doesn't your son indicate he wants to talk to his dad? If he does I would let him on occasion and see how it goes over. Just my thought.
Everyone on here knows my thoughts on pursuing and so I won't even address your comment.
Good job. Sounds like you handled things well.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I don't think I hardly slept a wink last nite. Too many things to mull over and not just about ex!
W - the power of contact was w/him up until this phone call. I think by me not being the one to initiate any contact he's starting to break down and allow me some. He was actually sounding concerned about my cost of calling him and he said if I wanted to talk, just email him and he would call back and put it on his bill!
S8 wants him to come visit and not just call so we tried to relay that and I believe ex's hesitation is just out of uncertainty. He never likes to commit to a visit until he has worked out the details and then will waver some until the last minute and he's on the way up. So I will let it go for now! I have a feeling he may be checking his schedule and making that plan soon.
Anyways, I was tossing and turning last nite over this job in Ohio. Don't want to offend anyone here, but I just don't want to live there! So I did tell the recruiter to pull my application. A little scary, turning down a job when I am feeling the pinch on the bank account! But I want to remain in this state, and even tho ex and I have this distance to work out visitation; this is still my choice. His comment about not being any jobs around him may just be that he wants to look elsewhere when/if his plant closes. (This was a discussion that we had previous to the div and I think that he is still coming to terms w/it. I know, I know, I can't read his mind!) But I am still going for what I want for job location and let him decide from there.
And I keep thinking about all the other things that I want to straighten out in my life before we are to begin any future R! It seems overwhelming at times, (the financial sitch) but I am taking the steps one at a time. That's all I can do.
You are doing an incredible job handling things. You are truly a strong woman. Hats off to you.
I feel for you regarding S8. He needs his dad. I am amazed that his dad does not feel this coming from S8. I dont know how these WASs live with themselves. I often wonder if my WAW has gone insane. The truth is they are so lost internally (spiritually) they dont know [censored] from shampoo. My personal take, dejavu, is not to compromise with your WAH on the S8 issue. While you are handling your GAL and finding a job and gettign your life back on track aspects admirably, I am concerned, like Wes is, that you are letting WAH get away scott-free as far as his responsibilities to S8 are concerned. I know you are trying to DB and not placing guilt on him etc. to try to build a new R. But in the meantime, it seems like your S8 is in pain and your WAH is not listening. Dejavu, I would like to help if I can in your string out this issue. Wes and gabriel can also help you formulate something in this regard. Could you think about this issue of how to get your WAH to accept his responsibility towards your S9 without hurting your DBing efforts (i.e. without undue pressure, or imposing guilt). This is again in connection with what you wrote on my thread. I see that you are wrestling with that issue as well. But maybe you can try to flesh out this aspect a little and deliberate on it. gabriel's advice is always sound (you can enlist him explicitly on this) and I and others can chip in with our views as well.
U
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Thanks for the insights, UD. I have just finished reading your thread also.
Here I was thinking that maybe I was pressuring ex too much even in an underlying way (tone of voice, etc)
When he first called, I said s8 was upset w/him and needed to see him not just talk to him. (this is due to son's autism; and ex has a hard time addressing that)
I made the suggestion again a couple of times during the convo. Told him that I had arranged w/d24 to stay w/her when he comes to visit.
Then when we started talking about bday presents, I showed him a couple of bikes that I am looking at on walmart.com. he picked out one and said, oh, it's not in stock. I suggested that if he could make the trip up here we could take s8 together to pick out what is in the store.
He did not want to make a commitment last nite. Blamed it on work pressures. S8 didn't want to talk to him more than saying that he was 'waiting for dad'. So the message should be clear, unless he wants to continue hiding from it.
I have seen that go on w/his other kids. He would step back and distance himself from them and I would always be the one to push him into keeping contact. I also know that he is attempting to reconnect w/them recently, they are all at a better age for him to relate too (23, 19 and 14). But that is not an excuse to exclude s8.
I had almost forgot that my ss19 bday was this week so I sent ex an email as this: ....Hi there! I didn't even think to ask you this last night. I know 'ss' bday is this week and I would really like to send him a card from all of us but don't have his address. Could you email that to me or can i just send it in c/o to you? Thx. T
He replied back after just a few minutes: .....hi it is a hot one here just sent the card to me i don,t know his ad at his house hi to all 'ex'
Pleasant and allows me to start a contact w/stepkids. I'll make the first move here and see if that makes him realize that he needs to keep up contact w/s8!
But then our anniv date is the day after the bday. Do I send anything to ex to let him know I still have good memories of that day? T
That email interaction sounds good. I have a question for you. Is your XH S8's father? Just wondering why your XH would try to keep in touch with his kids while not displaying the same level of interest in S8?
Regarding anniversary, perhaps a simple card without too much sentimental stuff would be appropriate under the circumstances? I dont know, perhaps others can chime in.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Ex is definitely his father! We went through all that last year somewhat, ugly custody battle to the point of scheduling a DNA test, and as that cost over $500; ex finally said no point in it. Right now I tend to think he is acting like a sore loser, he didn't win any custody rights (his own fault-he gave in; I was willing to go 50-50) but the only loser is our s. I tend to think that he doesn't want to see s8 since he will have to see me, but who knows!
Back to the lighter side; I replied back to his email last nite w/a flirty email. (which is hard to flirt in print!) said stuff like ... try and stay cool, (at least you guys can take off your shirts!)
On the anniv issue. I sat down and wrote out somewhat sentimental stuff last nite. haven't sent this out yet; just thinking I might send it as a note of here's all the good times I remember of being w/you. I listed down some things as the day he proposed, the day I told him I was pregnant, our sunday afternoon drives, his surprise of getting me a car (it wasn't my bday or anything!) and our late nite coffee shop trips. Just going to say that I remember the good times on our anniversary date.
Well, I just got off the phone w/a company in Minneapolis and had a recruiter call me from Tennessee. Both sound very interesting from the career standpoint, but not for visitation. I am uncertain at this point to put us too close to ex and have him reject s8 even then. That would hurt, but don't know if he would go that far. If only a job closer to him would come up! I would push to keep the relationship w/s going. T
My feeling and only my feeling and will generate disagreement, is to NOT acknowledge the anniversary. The anniversary in my mind was an important, significant date during the R, but since the R is not the same, the dates do not have the current significance.
Last Nov on what would have been our 12th, 4 days after final D, I made no mention of the date, nor did she.
Your hope is there will be a new date of significance in the future.
But then I don't think I would like Cleveland either. 
But I am still going for what I want for job location and let him decide from there. 
