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Ok H just called. Said he turned off the phone because he was in dentist's office and then at the doctor's office and then lunch.

H has been lying to me. Yesterday the doctor's office called our house to confirm H's appointment with the doctor. H had not mentioned this before. I asked if the appointment was for his mother and the receptionist had called us by mistake.

H said appointment was for his mom. But clearly it was for him. H is starting to get age related dental and physical problems. I jokingly asked if he was going to lose all his teeth just now on the phone.

He responded quite seriously. I think age is afraid of aging/dying and my joke didn't help. I keep monitoring all H's behaviour and totalling the score.

The coming home late, the turning off the phone, the insensitive jokes about infidelity. I don't know if this M will make the long haul.

Hope,

Okay, you and I don't know each other very well [yet ], and I have a reputation for being pretty blunt on the BB, so don't take offense, okay?

Hope, I don't see you using any DR techniques here with H. Where is your validating?

And I'm not clear on how H was lying to you about the Dr. appt.? If the receptionist admitted calling your house by mistake, and he said it was for his mom, then how do you know it was for him? Have you talked to his mom?

What are you doing with your GAL strategies? How are you taking the focus off of him and placing it on yourself and your own well being?

Listen, honey, I know you have some major trust issues with your H, and rightfully so. But you can't let that consume you and color every interaction with your H. If you do, you will never be able to rebuild anything.

Have you been following Ellie's story, KML? She has a great story of recovering from an A. It might be worth a read for you.

Hi Martha,

I can take blunt. In fact I appreciate it because I know i really need it.

H and I have been through this cycle of me beating him over the head with the a. if he makes one false move in my book.

H said basically the same thing that you did. That is that if I keep looking back we will never be able to look forward.

I know I want to do it. I know I need to do it if my M is to work. But when that demon of doubt and fear that its still going on or starting up with someone else happens I completely freak!

I was thinking this am that I need to think hard of how to deal with the crazymaking when the doubts start like if H is late or unavailable on the phone or I don't know where he is.


H told me he went to the doctor and what the visit was about so I know he did go. I mentioned the lying thing because H is very secretive about most things. I think he did not want me to worry so he didn't say and yesterday decided to tell the truth rather than let me think he was off with some ow.


I talk about trust and some days manage to believe I am beginning to trust H again and then something happens and I realise I don't trust him at all.

H has never admitted the a and is very impatient with me if I have any trust issues. That is not to say that he is not trying. He has sometimes started calling when he will be late esp. on a Saturday or he will tell me where he went and what he did.

In his own way he is trying but sometimes I get really mad because I feel he did this, he caused this and now I have to deal with it and his attitude is well that's your problem you deal with it, or so it seems sometimes to me.

H was spoilt by him mom and in his 1st M his first W caught him cheating several times and never (according to H) made much of a big deal about it.

But ironically she was also cheating on him and when he found out he left the M. H has said to me many times since this started that he is not accustomed to a W making a big deal about cheating and he never thought his W would leave him if she caught him cheating.

Anyway you are right- I have talked about GAL but have done nothing to get one. I start dance classes next Wednesday so that is my first try.

I have talked about going back to the gym but have been reluctant to do it for some reason.

I am afraid that if I GAL I will be off doing my own thing, H will be off doing his own thing and we will drift apart and the M will end anyway. Its crazy but I feel like if I am at home that H will want to come home or not cheat.... This is sooo stupid of me to think but I do.


Martha, I don't understand where the validating thing comes in though. How could I have validated H in the sitch?

Hope,

I see plenty of places where you could validate your H's feelings and actions:

His health issues
His fear of growing older
How hard he is trying (even if you don't think it's hard enough yet)
Letting him know he is right when he tells you that you can't keep beating him over the head with the past
Leting him know how much you appreciate it when he calls when he's going to be late
Letting him know how much you appreciate his openness and honesty about dr. appt's, etc.
Letting him know how much you appreciate his efforts not to worry you

One of the things I've recently learned is the truth in the saying, "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?"

I'm learning how easy it is to be happy!!! Sure, there are things I could say to SO that would be "right", but they aren't going to make me happy. There are things you could say to your H that would be right, but they aren't going to make either of you happy.

Choose happy, not right. Make sense?

I guarantee you that if you start validating H, both his words and his actions, you'll get more. And I'd bet this would be a 180 for you, too!

Hi Martha,

I posted last night responding to your post but seems it didn't post for some reason. I basically noted how you found 7 things I could have validated and I couldn't find one!

The wanting to be right instead of happy thing is me to a T. But I want it to be the old me and not the new me. It is a struggle but now I try to step back and see the bigger picture.

I think I need to treat H with more compassion and kindness. I came on the BB and did a search for "how to validate". I found a lot of interesting information. I really was not sure what it meant before this.

So thanks for the focus. I will certainly be trying this 180. Will let you and other DBers know how it goes.

Yesterday H was really cold with me. But last night he gave me a really passionate kiss, we cuddled and he initiated ML . (Is that too much information?)

This am H invited me to go walking with him. Last night I promised myself that I will not do the "I will D you if this happens again" dance. I think I have made that pretty clear to H.

Hope,

You're welcome! And I understand...it's a "forest for the trees" kind of a thing. It's also b/c you are still experiencing a lot of pain and anger over the A, no doubt. I know it's hard to be objective in that kind of situation.

Perhaps if you tried putting you DR hat on and thinking what you might tell another gf, were they in your shoes? Perhaps re-reading DR? Might give you some new insights?

Hi Martha, All

I wanted to let you know. I tried the validating thing. And IT WORKS!!! I really didn't think it would. But it actually does. Another poster had explained it that when you counter what your H may say with " yes, but..." or try to defend your position off the bat it looks like your're really saying: "I'm right and you are wrong".

On Friday H and I went to the beach in the evening after work. H loves to swim. And he started an R talk ( I notice he likes to do this at those times). He basically said that he questions the future of our R when I dump on him like I did with the " if this happens again I will D you" stuff.

He says when he starts to feel that things are good with us this happens. I validated and it really helped. I also told H how when he says that he questions our future i feel like he's saying he wants to end it all.

H and I had a good talk. But he brought it up again on Sunday and says he wonders if he will ever have a happy M and if I will ever forget October. He says it frustrates him because he knows he's not up to anything now.

The hard part of this for me is that when I got suspicious and started questioning H he denied it and said how much he loved me and that there was no one else etc. And he was at that point in the middle of the a.

Anyway the positives are that we talked on Sunday. I was telling H about my aunt and her H who had had an a and who my aunt discovered was still talking to this woman every day years later.

I told my H that the funny thing was that my aunt's H had bought a new home and had begged my aunt to go live there with him when she wanted to not go with him.

My H talked about my aunt's H looking to someone else for "comfort" but still loving his W. Then my H talked about the importance of keeping a M on an even keel and having the best M you could so that when temptations arose you would weigh what you wanted to do more carefully.

I think my H was basically saying that if he were happier in the M the a would not have happened. He said he feels as if nothing he does pleases me and that I make everything a problem.

I think my H was very spoiled at home and in his 1st M. He expects no problems whatsover or that they will end quickly. He hates conflict and will do a lot to avoid it (such as having an a rather than talking to your W about problems in your M!)

I tried explaining to H that its only been 8mths since the bomb and that i have really been trying but that sometimes it does overwhelm me and I was afraid of it happening again.

From H's point of view it is the first time he is trying instead of walking away. I think he is also not cheating and he wants acknowledgement of that and praise and not a hard time which he feels is what he is getting from me.


Okay I have rambled but for 1st time I feel more hopeful as H talked about a happy M helping to keep things affair proof (if possible). In past I was very afraid H was just chronic cheater as he always claimed he was happy in our M.

But beginning to realise that H will not confront and does nto want to confront me about problems in the M. His resentment and hostility jsut builds up and comes out the way it did.

Martha, an interesting point- H mentioned that a guy he was talking too mentioned M/V and how men really are from Mars and women from Venus as women want to be told they are loved all the time. (did cross my mind it it really was a guy who told him this)

ANyway- I was wondering if he really would read the book with me and wanted some ideas on how I could suggest it to H and how often and how any one who read the book with their H did it. WOuld welcome any suggestions.

Hope

Hi Hope, I just wanted to let you know I'm "lurking" and thinking of you...not sure I have a lot to add, but I know I've found the validating to be helpful as well....my H responds quite well to it as a rule. I've found that sometimes when I can't validate, just looking at him and smiling or saying something like "hmmmm" helps, as well.

I don't have a clue how to get them to read with you...at one time I suggested that to my H, and he pitched a fit and threw a book at me. I have found that he sometimes picks up books I leave laying around and reads them, and he tells me he's read some stuff....

I did find Mars/venus to be helpful, though.

Hope,

Great job validating! Keep it up! It's one of those things -- the more you practice, the better you become!

Re: M/V? Well, to put in Martian language, just ask him point blank, with no expectations. Use "would" or "will" when you ask. Be prepared to be shot down, but don't give up. Wait several days or a couple of weeks, and then ask again.

Just say, "Would you read this with me?" Period. Nothing else. If/when he says, "no", just say, "Okay. Thank you!" And smile.

Keep it simple!