I took Sage's advice and have moved over here to piecing! I was thinking of doing it for some time and that was all the encouragement I needed.
My H never left home and seems committed to our M. I discovered his a. on Oct 16, 2004. H has denied and continues to deny the a. I left him for about a month. H got really sick and begged me to come back. I did on condition that we go to a MC. We did that for a while, it helped some. I continue to see her. H said he didnt' want to go anymore and he stopped going.
This is his 2nd M, my first. He has two kids S21 and D19 from first M. We have no children. H is 46 I am 41.
Something I don't want to post here but feel I need to. The a. was with our former housekeeper. I think it started while she was still working for us. I think they were intimate in our house. It went on for a year and a half.
So the level of betrayal I have felt is pretty intense. I guess it would be that way no matter who the a had been with.
Okay that was nasty- recapping unpleasant memories.
H. has said he is sorry and apologised numerous times for hurting me (all without admitting anything).
He says he loves me and is glad he did not have to lose me to realise what he has.
Anyway, I still struggle with trust issues and some other stuff.
For now I am trying to trust H and enjoy where we are at in the M.
I have come over here in piecing because I have finally decided to stay in the M and try to make it work. I have also decided to forgive my H.
(Doing the #1 dance...my first time being #1 on someone's thead! )
I want you to know how much I admire your conscious decision to trust your H. I know it is difficult, but it is courageous. Good for you! And we're here to help you along the way with the tough spots, okay?
We're glad you made the jump. As has been written, to move forward you have to forgive, you owe it to yourself. If you don't you will be forever trying to solve something you won't let yourself resolve. We look forward to hearing from you.
Thanks for dropping in on my thread! Martha you are #1! P_S, the forgiveness thing has been a hard road for me. My MC told me that I need to decide when I was going to put the "sword" away, meaning when was I goign to stop beating H over the head with the a.
It has been hard, but when I realised I was only sabotaging the good times and bringing this ow to life in all my interactions with H , I knew I had to stop. Things in the M have been good lately. Enjoying that has been hard because you get so afraid you'll be hurt again or things will go bad.
But it you do that you never enjoy the good times. So I am working on forgiving, not only for H but for me as well.
One thing I have realised in the past few months is my tendency to blame H or "take it out" on him when things aren't going well for me.
I realised this one day when H and I had gone on a hike. He is much more athletic than I am. But I wanted to go I was having fun and the whole day had been planned by H for my enjoyment.
But on the way back my old knees really started to hurt. I was upset and angry and I noticed that I was casting about in my mind for who was to blame for the fix I found myself in.
It was quite a revelation to me to notice myself doing that.
I mention it because I caught myself doing it again on Sunday. H and I had gone walking and then were heading to the beach and I was hungry and not feeling so great.
I started to get irritable. I realised why and just told H I needed to get something to eat and all was well.
In the past I would have started being mean to H and he would have gotten angry and you know the rest.
So this is me learning not to crap on my H when I don't feel so good.
Another thing I am working on- H has a habit of poking fun at me in what I would consider a hurtful way. Recently I found some gray hairs and H has been merciless about it.
In the past I would have gotten upset at H's insensitivity. But something H said made me realise that he is merely acting out his own fears about aging and its a way to shore up his own self esteem.
I think H sometimes feels that I am head and shoulders above him on some level. And these digs are a way to bring me down to his level.
H is generally kind and considerate with me otherwise. So noticing why he is doing something has made it easier to deal with and if I don't make a big deal of it the poking stops.
Ok there are some negatives but they have to do with my wondering if H is cheating still or if there is ow in picture. My gut says no but my head says beware.
I am trying not to focus on those things for now. Okay guys thats it for now.
The self observation sounds very constructive, I remember a long time ago Betsey walking through the consciousness-competency cycle. We start by being unconscious, then we are aware when we are being crappy, and then we can proactively manage this through better competence. Being aware alone is such a step forward - well done you!!! I know I still have some areas to work on - when my insecurities make me grumpy, its hard to stop and ask myself why.
Good to hear from you. I was getting quite worried. It is amazing how being self aware helps you to see your own behaviour. Stopping the negative reactions is another thing entirely. It is very hard to do.
I would welcome any comments on what I did last night and this morning.
Okay the truth is this all started at my C's office. I said that I had stopped worrying about whether H would cheat again and that if he did I trusted that I would find out and would make a decision then.
I have thought a lot about that since the session. And I asked myself what I would really do. Okay, I know exactly how the triggers arose in my mind.
We live an a very close knit townhouse community. The neighbour across the way has her young, very attractive niece staying with her. Recently, the day H was giving me a hard time about the gray hairs, the housekeeper there asked if we could give this girl a lift into the city.
I don't usually go into work with H but we had decided to do that as we were going out together later that afternoon. This was on Friday last. I was quite uncomfortable with the girl anywhere near H. Does any one want to say TRUST ISSUES!!!!
Anyway we took her into the city with us. H and I had a good conversation on the way. The girl didn't say where she was getting off. As H turned toward my office I asked where she was getting off.
Okay I was not leaving H alone in the vehicle with her. I know this is utterly stupid cause if he wanted to do anything he did not have to do it then. Also it could have turned out that I was nto there the day she asked for a lift and H would have been alone with her anyway. It could happen in the future.
Anyway H commented that evenign when we were out that he noticed that i was not comfortable with having the girl in the car. I lied and said no and then i told the truth that yes I was uncomfortable.
Anyway Idid not make a big deal about it because it was not H's fault the girl was with us. He did not act inappropriately or anything.
But that got me thinking- what if H did start up an a with this girl? What would I do? WOuld I forgive him again? Would I stay with him?
However I looked at it I realised that such a sitch would make me realise that however much I loved H and however much he was a good H otherwise, this would be a deal breaker.
I also acknowledged to myself that I could be happy with someone else. Not H but not with H's crap either. This makes me sad to write...
Monday night, H's karate night, when in past i have suspected him of seeing ow, H came home late. Class ends at 6.45pm. Its 10mins away from home. H got home at 7.54pm.
I have been upset since then. Add to that that H has slept on the floor and not on the bed since Monday (he says he has a bad back) and in past I saw this as stuff H was doing in throes of the a.
I felt that after a good weekend H was pulling away from me. I told H I did not want him sleeping on the floor last pm. I eventually relented when I realised we both weren't getting any sleep.
Anyway finally to get to what I did. This am I came into work with H. He was running late for an appointment and asked me to call the person and let them know. I picked up H's cell phone and dialed. I made a mistake and somehow went into another aspect of the phone.
H was right there in the car with me. I was not snooping or prying. I couldn't get out of the feature on the phone. H takes the phone and says "how did you go in there, what were you doing?"
H then hands phone back to me and tells me to dial the number, and he makes comment that he knows i get myself into trouble with the phone looking for things i should not be looking for.
I really got p'od. But I did not blow up at H. I told him that he was the one who got into trouble with the phone. The whole discovery of teh a was triggered by my finding women's numbers in H's cell phones and that they were calling him on a Saturday and he was callign them just before he left work- I'm thinking arranging rendevous.
And of course I found out about the a because ow dialled my cell from H's phone while they were together (in the biblical sense!!!).
Anyway I then said to H you mean other people got you into trouble with your phone. H just laughed like a naughty boy caught doing something naughty.
I couldn't help it. I called H after he dropped me off to work and told him that I was not threatening him but I wanted him to know -- I told him about my mulling over vist to the C's office and the issue I was thinking of
I told H that I did not want to hurt him but I needed him to know that he had had only one "get out of Jail free" card and that he had already used it.
H as usual said he had not done anything and I thought he had. He then made a joke and said that he did not want to lose the card so he had used it.
I told him that in the past I had thought I could only love him but that I now knew that it was possible to find love with someone else.
I also told H that as much as I loved him, he seemed to think this was all a joke and that i needed him to know that if he did this again our M would be over.
I told H that it was not a threat as I could not control him that way and that he would do whatever he wanted to do but that i needed him to know what hte consequence would be.
I told H it was very hard for me that the choice was left in his hands but that was the way it was.
H said if I needed to get it off my chest okay but that we could only worry about the now not the future.
I probably shouldn't have done it. Maybe it is more of my " I will leave you". But I need him to know that he hasn't "gotten away" with anything and that I will not accept this as a way of life or condone it.
I just posted a reading today on my thread that might help you with some of the issues you are facing right now.
Also, what books are you reading to help you understand yourself and H's behavior? Have you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? If not, do you think your H would be interested in reading it with you?
You're pursuing. You cannot control what H is doing, no matter if he's with OW or just off being by himself.
Yes, M/V has helped SO and me a lot in our communication approaches and in our ability to honor each other's space. No, we haven't reconciled yet, but our communication is getting MUCH better!
And hey, if you need to vent, come here! That's what we're here for! Vent away!
)
Slowly