Hi Hope...I keep thinking, as you and dfb say, that a lot of H's sex problems have to be emotional...guilt, grief, anger???? i'm not sure...but that has to be a lot of it because there is no way I will ever believe he wasnt having a good time in the recent past. however, as I mentioned earlier, he had no problem on Saturday morning.
I have wondered a million times how H could be interested in ow, and what he could see in her...and how he could not see through her manipulations...and, as you say, how he could not see that she saw him as a meal ticket. which she did, BIG TIME. ha, what a disapoint that would have been for her, happy meals I guess maybe! However, I did come across an email from H to ow in which he was lamenting to her that he wished he would/could ever be more than a paycheck. Hmmmm, that was this spring, march or april, about a year after the time when he was lamenting the same darn thing with me.
Quote: An interesting thing I read on the family.org website where the H talked about being under stress in the M and never having learned how his needs should be met while growing up he looked elsewhere for comfort. This happened in my sitch, don't know that it would be true for you. I also think my H did not get a lot of his needs met growing up and looked to s@x etc. to comfort him.
Actually I think you hit the nail on the head here. I know this is exactly what happened with H....and he is so depleted from never having that affirmation, I think he was really crippled emotionally, but he learned to cover up his emotional "emptiness" so well with his brave "macho" front, that I never understood, so was really no help. His parents were/are so demanding, judgemental and overbearing, this was pointed out to me AGAIN this weekend, which I'll post about in a minute, but it just helped to clarify more for me how we fell into this quagmire. i guess that's good, because figuring out the path that led you into it will help in seeing a different path to steer clear, right?????
ok, just a "weekend update", I guess. I really am starting to think we "made it"....except I am so afraid to get my hopes up...however, this was weekend #6 with NO "Paperwork". I don't recall if 6 is the record or 8 is the record...but at any rate, we're closing in, and I am sure that if this can maintain for another couple of weeks, I will be doing much better, as will "we"....
actually it was a quiet weekend, not much going on at all. Except that H seems so much more content and loving. Frankly he is more loving and affectionate than I recall him being even when we were dating. it is so nice, and it seems SINCERE now, "different" than when he was in w/ow
We did a lot of yard work, which is good. frankly the place has been so neglected for the last 2 years that it needs a lot of trimming, etc., done. and H is actually "into" it....I think this is a change.
Honestly I guess there's not a lot of activity to report, we hung out at home, worked in the yard and garden, watched a movie, ML Saturday morning (and it went well), talked a lot, watched tv and held hands during it.
We talk pretty openly about the A and other issues now. I guess that's good. I asked H at one point if he had seen me as a "doormat" for hanging in with all this going on, he looked puzzled and asked what I meant...I explained it as being a fool afraid to face the invitable, or too weak to stand up for myself...he said "no, I saw you as incredibly strong and powerful ???, and it was a great strategy. (?????); it absolutely drove her (ow) nuts, and I began to see that you were the one who truly loved me. I asked H if he had meant it when he began telling me a year ago that he was not leaving home/me, and he said yes he had...I asked why then did it take so long for the other to end, and he said he wasnt sure, that it just took that long to "die"...H said that he had been praying for a way out for a long time....I have no clue why he couldnt see that the way out was for him to say "no more" and walk away....I guess because he couldnt be the bad guy.
My brother called last week and invited us to 4th of July weekend.H talked to him, and seemed happy to accept. Then on Saturday while I was gone to work out, intrusive overbearing mil called H and chewed him out for being disrespectful to her and fil by "avoiding" them and not calling or paying enough attention, and DEMANDING that we go to H's sister's for 4th. I hate her bossy intrusiveness. We are 50 years old and she still thinks she can tell us what to do. of course, that's probably because it works. H told her we would go out there ( 2.5 hour drive each way) for a few hours the day of the 4th...and this will be after we drive back from my brothers, as I will have to tell him we will need to celebrate on the 3rd. It's all just a power play for mil....I get sooo sick of it, but I am certain this is where a lot of H's issues come from, and that for years I took the heat of his emotional transference from his anger and resentment towards his overbearing mother. And that the only way for me to successfully db was to back waaaayyyyy off from even starting to appear as any kind of authority figure (wife/mother) and to just go as a "friend" "supporter", "lover?"....in order to start to get past all those issues.
Hiya Deb! Just catching up on your life. Sounds like things are finally starting to shape up. I'm so happy for you.
Listen, I wanted to chime in and say that OW sounds like a complete psychopath with respect to her sexuality. I consider myself to be HD but I am not a weirdo. I don't operate like a dang black widow spider.
I just wanted to throw that out there. I was worried that you are comparing yourself to her--well she sounds like she is quite unbalanced.
Continue to enjoy your time with H and focus on yourself. That is the "strategy" he is referring to. What an inspiration you are!
Hi, Honeypot! it's good to talk to you...it's been a while! I need to get over to your digs and catch up with you!
I appreciate your thoughts on ow. I have to say she really seems depraved to me. I can't imagine....I mean likeing and wanting sex is one thing, but this sounds different...and i have to admit I only know what H has shared which is tiny bits and pieces, but he indicated that she actually doesnt enjoy sex that much....weird....
which leads me to think it is more of a power/control issue.
it's funny you mention "black widow".... I referred to her as that when H and I were talking last week. He didnt disagree.
I could use some objectivity here. I don't know what to think....what this means or how I should respond. I am so terrified they will get back together again...I know I go off the deep end (or have to fight to keep from it) at any and every reference. so.....
I got this email from H at about 10: "How's your day going? So far I'm off and busy. I had a number of cancellations for tomorrow so I think I'll take it vacation. I can miss the all staff meeting and supervision. I'll be a lot more comfortable without sitting there with nothing to do and you know who around. Plus, I'm tired of losing so many vacation hours . Do you have enough time you can take off? Later, D"
I responded I'd have to see if I had enough time to take off, that I thought it would be good for him to, and asked if you-know-who was being obnoxious. got this reply: "No not obnoxious, but I ran into her walking out to the vehicle this morning. I just don't really want to be around her, makes me feel kind of sick, and she doesn't look much like she wants to see me. Maybe I can coordinate with her making sure one or the other is gone every Tuesday for several months"
I don't know, maybe I shouldnt have, but I replied that maybe he could just take vacation on Tuesdays for a while, since he's losing hours, and asked if it wouldnt just open the door for her to have more excuses to stay in touch if he tried to "coordinate" being gone on Tuesdays. I havent heard back from him.
Why would he feel sick when he sees her? Does it sound like they/he is looking to get back together, or is it good that he is now open enough to talk to me about it, to share his discomfort and thoughts?????
How should i respond??????? Isnt it kind of a counter-productive thing to try to plan not being here at the same time?????? I really don't know what to think or do......
I just got this email from H: "You have nothing to worry about. She is not interested in pursuing the relationship either. She wanted to be "friends"; and I said I wasn't comfortable with that and she is agreeable. You don't need to worry about something flaring back up as we are both determined move on! A (co-worker) didn't walk today, instead we went out to a Park and looked at the spot where someone caught a 30 lb catfish this weekend. It was nice to get out of the office at any rate and have some company, keeps my mind off things. Well, next one is up. Later D
Obviously he is trying to reassure me. why can't I take it a face value and trust it and be glad????? will it ever get to that point???? how will I get there?????
h really was loving and pleasant and yes, romantic this weekend...all I could ask for. and I did fine. then we get back to work and I turn into quaking jello.
This weekend was the first one since the "break up" that he has actually said he wished we had more time off. usually he is talking about how hard the weekends are because he "gets to thinking about things"....
I don't know what to think. maybe I need to just stop thinking for a while.
I don't have time to post much today, but I had to share this email I just now got from H....I couldnt believe it (I had just sent him one saying "Hi, how's your day going?)...
"Oh, I've just been thinking how lucky I am to have you as my wife. I sure appreciate your putting up with me, I know I've been depressed and irritable at times. I do think I'm getting better and with time we will really enjoy our time together more and more. I just think it's pretty incredible that you loved me so much and were patient with me as I was making a major league fool of myself running around with a Borderline, or as A-man (our nick-name for S12) would say "a whore with a rosary". For some damn reason I just couldn't see what was so apparent to even (S12). I sure am sorry and I promise I learned my lesson big time. I love you! Your D"
oh wow. I think we made it.
The credit goes to God and to the great folks on this bb. I'm not sure I'd even be alive still if it wasnt for all of you. Thanks to all of you here, and thank you, Lord.
Now comes the true work of piecing into a great M.
Wow, what a guy! I'm so happy for you, Deb. It took your time and patience--just a few weeks ago you were very distrusful and you had every reason to be. But as the days went by and you kept working on it, things are coming together for you. Keep up the good work and remember to take care of you keep the changes going.
???, and it was a great strategy. (?????); it absolutely drove her (ow) nuts, and I began to see that you were the one who truly loved me. I asked H if he had meant it when he began telling me a year ago that he was not leaving home/me, and he said yes he had...I asked why then did it take so long for the other to end, and he said he wasnt sure, that it just took that long to "die"...H said that he had been praying for a way out for a long time....I have no clue why he couldnt see that the way out was for him to say "no more" and walk away....I guess because he couldnt be the bad guy. 