Yes it does take lots of patience--more than I ever thought I had. And he did notice the changes made by DBing and he believes it is real and long lasting. WOO HOO! It is what we work so hard for--not to mention the side benefits of learning patience and having better relationships with others too.
I am having the weight trouble too. I love to eat and I like a couple beers now and again. I lost 35 pounds on the Zone diet in 2001 and kept it off until a year ago when all this stress started. I lost a few more in the beginning cuz I couldn't eat. Then after a few months, I just went crazy--got myself addicted to carbs again. So I'm about 20 pounds over what I want to be. I don't workout, just take my dog for walks here and there. I have so many pairs of new jeans in my closet that I can't wear. It is frustrating. And I know if I could get myself back in the Zone, I'd be fine. I keep trying but by the end of the day I'm craving again. But I'll just have to keep working at it.
I'm really happy you are having success, Deb. I know there is no guarantee that my M will last forever, but I'm sure going to keep working at it this time!
Sounds like OW, or should we say XOW, got the hint. I'm sure she will be on to someone else in no time.
Deb - There's something I think you need to point out to H. He may not be aware of this, but most companies keep records of emails and may even have tech people reading them. H should never put anything in an email at work that might put him in a bad light or be used against him in a sexual harassment suit.
yes, Ellie, I know you are right...and I know H knows this also. It is a concern, and he even mentioned last night that he shouldnt have responded to her in that manner. However, he also said he's sure got some of the same from her to put up against anything she says. I know I've only seen the tip of the iceberg, but I'd have to concur.
actually company policy forbids sending ANY personal emails...and people have been fired for emailing threats to co-workers. I will remind him of this....
the "powers that be" promote the perception that all emails are monitored constantly. However, it very well could be that theirs may be...evidently one of the business office staff in particular, got ow "busted" for not being able to be located for phone calls when she was hanging out in H's office, so it maybe that they are closely watched. I wouldnt be surprised. Especially since "they" evidently caught on to her downloading the medicare billing files. boy, she's a piece of work.
I wonder what it means that the yellow teddy bear is gone from her dash board? It almost makes me nervous, because H must have read her the riot act about it, and I just can't imagine that she will "go quietly"....but, maybe she will. Lord, don't I wish.
Hi Molly, I so hope and pray we can now say "xow" with accuracy. and that she will be on to new conquests soon. With her track record, though, that would be the pattern.
I just have to think that H is telling the truth this time, because he seems so open. he has never been any where near this open before.
I wish I could get this darn weight down, for me. but it would help our M, I have no doubt. I read the Zone book, it's one my dr recommends, but I never got into it really well. I know i do better with fewer carbs....I do think this stress has made it tougher...sometimes I could eat my way through a loaf of bread or a bowl of mashed potatoes (I havent, but I could!) or a bag of potato chips or panful of brownies or....notice it's all carb stuff I mention, so I guess that's telling, isnt it?????
I have to admit I also think it's telling that I'm afraid to let myself believe all the indicators H is giving.
Hi dfb, yes, walking with H is good, we used to do that a lot. now, I view it as a baby step....sometimes he invites me to walk with him, sometimes he makes is quite clear that he wants to walk alone. In order to avoid the appearance of being clingy/pursuing, I usually wait to be invited to go with him. one time he even commented that I "pretty much invited" myself...so i've been backed off. this past Sunday afternoon though, he did ask me if I wanted to walk and then thanked me for going with him.
so, yes, it would be great, but it's kind of a gray area of caution. sigh life is so complicated.
Someone mentioned the tapes and "marriage breakthrough" videos. I've thought of trying them, it just always seemed premature before. Have any of you tried them???? Did you find them beneficial??????
I am trying so hard to let myself believe that things are really over with ow. I swear all indicators are that it must be...I am shocked at how hard it is for me to finally accept that. part of that has to be related to past experience...I swear is always so obvious to me when he runs back to her, I just keep waiting for it to happen. How will I ever get past this???? I truly don't know. As an example I havent heard much from him by email today, and I know in the past that often I didnt hear much on Thursdays, and that is when it would later become obvious that I wasnt hearing because that is when they were making their plans.
One thing that does help is when he talks about the A/contact/etc., even though it dredges up stuff that can be painful I was reading an article for the "cheater" yesterday that talked about that one way for them to regain trust is to become "transparent" by talking about contact, what they're doing, etc....and I recall in Not Just Friends it talking about putting walls around the M and windows into the A....that is what's going on when he talks, and it does help.
It helps in spite of the hard stuff. For example the other night he said that they had been getting along the best they ever had from this past Oct. when they got back together until the 1st part of May when things started to unravel. That was hard to hear, because that was the time when I was working so hard to make no mention of ow and focus on what was good with us... of course, she was probably doing the same thing as well.
Somewhere, I need to find some specific ideas for getting past all this. I guess time will help....if we get 3 or 4 months down the road with no sign of "crap", it will be a big improvement. I don't think it's ever gone more than 6 weeks before.
How about going for walks yourself now, and inviting him occasionally? Instead of waiting for him to invite you.
And it SHOULD be hard for you to accept its over. He's already lied to you a couple of times about it previously. It will take time to trust him again. That isn't anything to feel bad about. Even if he'd not liked previously, it would be hard - but he hasn't been terribly trustworthy, and he still has feelings for her. So just allow yourself the time you need to build up trust again.
I worked out and got home after H; we just chit-chatted a bit. I did mention that the yellow teddy bear was gone from ow's dash....and we had a bit of discussion about that....H said "I may have been guilty, I might have given her that a year ago for valentines day...I did give her a "teddy bear thing" uh, yeah right, and I'll bet it was this year, since that's exactly when it showed up on her dash and the b---h started parking next to me. but, oh well. He's talking about this stuff! becoming more transparent! that has to be a bigger-than-baby step! then he said "I think it's kinda like your voodoo doll being thrown out"...I told him that had to be good. Then H commented that there had been 3 figures on her dash....and that it represented "the family" . Evidently the bear was H; there was a lamb for ow's D (I do kinda recall seeing that) and a beanie baby razor back hog (college mascott) for ow.....ok, that's weird enough for me. I was thinking this morning, the woman is darned near psychotic, but then arent most of them?
H told me that she bought him all kinds of religious gifts, almost everything she gave him was from a christian bookstore here in town, that he has all kinds of crosses. Then she gave him a gift certificate to an "adult novelty" store for his b-day. that he gave it back to her, saying "that's not some place I would go"...that she gave him a mouse pad that played his grad school "fight song", and he told her to take it back, he didnt want it. ...
then he commented "I don't want to talk about this all night, I'm going for a walk"....I told him I didnt either, to go walk and have a good one, I was going to water flowers. He walked, then went to sleep watching tv, and went to bed about 9:30.
He still didnt sleep very well, although I think better than he has for several nights. I did hear him get up in the night, and then heard him making those weird little whimpering sounds...then in a tiny voice, almost like a little kid, he said "would you hold me? it helps me sleep"...i told him "sure" and "spooned" him, went to sleep myself then....
This morning he seemed more cheerful. I hope that's good.... He came up behind me in the kitchen and gave me one of the "gropping from behind" hugs that used to make me nuts...this time I hugged back, and reciprocated.and he made suggestions about things we might have time for this weekend . i added a few ideas.
I did get an email from him about 20 minutes ago, it was short, said that "life" wasnt getting any better for a person we know that he visited with, but that "I'm sure glad it's better for us, and I love you so much!"....I sent a kinda flirty one back, and now got one joking that he'd had word that I was doing "naughty things", that ended with "I love you too!"....so, still some steps in the right direction, if I just let myself see them.
Note to self: NOW would seem to be the time when flirting and some "teasing" would work with H.....maybe NOW is the time to go for it....
But I'll just have to keep working at it.
uh, yeah right, and I'll bet it was this year, since that's exactly when it showed up on her dash and the b---h started parking next to me. but, oh well. He's talking about this stuff! becoming more transparent! that has to be a bigger-than-baby step! then he said "I think it's kinda like your voodoo doll being thrown out"...I told him that had to be good. Then H commented that there had been 3 figures on her dash....and that it represented "the family" 
. i added a few ideas.