oh, yeah, at one point I told H that I was so confused by his words and actions that seemed to not add up through all of this, and that is part of what made is so hard. for example that he would tell me he loved me and wasnt leaving and then get back with her....made me nuts. He said it was because he himself was so terribly confused. that he was a mess of confusion and fear and pain and guilt.
I mentioned when he was on vacation with her a year ago last fall, and would call me everynight from the cabin and talk with me for an hour, and tell me he loved me....did he mean that???? he said yes, he did mean it. That he'd promised me he'd call every day and he did. yes, he did....the phone calls meant way too much to me I'm afraid. But it turns out he was calling from the cabin, while she was in the cabin. Evidently she would shut herself in the bedroom and pitch a fit, he said she would pitch a fit for the rest of the night everynight (I guess that's scant good news) and that she threatened to leave and leave him there several times if he kept calling me. H commented "I kept thinking, oh this will be great to have to call home and say "I got left" (they took her vehicle). But how weird is that, he's talking to his wife telling her he loves her and doing it every night right in front of ow? I mean at least he had the decency to hide it from me when he was calling her. And then for ow to take it???? wouldnt you think she would just leave????? H commented once a long time ago that "it just didnt seem right for you not to be there (duh), we are such good friends and have had such good times there together all those years".
I dunno, it's still all pretty mind boggling. The guy's brain has truly been adled. Lord how I hope he's coming out of it.
Definitely. My H commented to me once (about the time he was in the affair) "I knew something was wrong but I couldn't quite put my finger on it". Honestly!!! His brain was so addled he actually couldn't form the conscious thought "gee, I'm cheating on my wife and hurting my kids and my family - maybe this isn't such a good idea?"
All I know is, depression or whatever, it is a form of mental illness that most of our WASs go through.
Deb- That sounds wonderful. Again I am so jealous of your H's sharing!
I really appreciate all of the details of your conversation about OW and H's feelings/thoughts. I think that my H and the OW are very similar (especially the moving from man to man thing-she usually has the next one lined up before ending it with the current).
Keep up the great work- it really is different this time and I hope that some day soon my H will have such a breakthrough.
Hi Ellie and WN...thanks for stopping by. I so have my fingers crossed this time, but I'm starting to dare to believe that maybe, just maybe H is coming out of his fog. I emailed him this morning that I just was hit by the thought after some of our discussion last night that part of what attracted me to him in the first place, and that I always admired and appreciated about him, was his steady, easy going, patient temperament. Which is absolutely true. I got this email from him:
Quote: Finally got a minute to e-mail. A (co-worker) and I went walking, man it's plenty hot and sweaty out. Even with the deodorant I'm sure I'm a bit stinky. I guess I just need to shower down stairs since unlike A I do sweat. Thanks for the compliment, funny, though old D--na (ow)had me trained to be pretty reactive and certainly could draw out my anger, I think how one responds is a two way street and depends as much on your partner as you. Well, got to go. Later, D.
I found this interesting from several aspects: 1) He called her "old ----", now granted he used her name, and not a sweet term like skank, scum bag, etc, but still to say "old" makes me think the bloom must be off the rose a little; 2) He seems to be recognizing - and admitting- that the a was bringing out the worst in him, not the best; and 3) He seems to be seeing her as responsible for that response in him any and all of which work just fine for me.
I have to say that his brain has not completely cleared of the fog, though. Last night he commented again about all the things about ow that he thought I would like....I was able to just listen pleasantly and calmly, without blowing up like I did a couple of weeks ago....I think I did say something validating, like "yes, those are things I enjoy"...and then H said "See maybe when she finds someone new we can have them for dinner sometime ; Now I was able to resist the urge to reach across the table, dope slap him till his eyes crossed and scream "you are out of your frickin mind"....and instead just smile sweetly and say "I think you're really stretching it there, H"....to which he replied "I just said maybe someday"....and I just SMILED and didnt say a word. but sheeshhh....I jotted that on my calendar for the day after I get her letter which is penciled in for right after hell freezes over.
H also commented that ow's XH got so worn out and fed up with her temper and fit-throwing that he "headed for the hills and found another woman" and that "every other guy she's been with headed for the hills as well".
What I can't understand is why they take up with her in the first place....I mean the woman walks, talks, looks and....like a died in the wool skank.....WHY is this so successful w/guys??????????? there must be a lot of them out there really susceptible for some reason.
It is very very different this time that he is being so open about her, and much less emotional about her/a than ever before . He did mention that they'd been broken up about 6 - 8 weeks last fall (which is different again than the 2 weeks he said a couple of weeks ago??????) and then she started whining and bawling that she couldnt do it. so I will have some pins and needles until it's pass that point, and even a while longer, I guess. But in our discussion last night, H said that the horrible pain being repeated over and over again in an endless cycle is what is in large part getting them both to accept that it's time for it to all end. Lord, I pray....and pray and pray and pray.....
another "oh yeah" that hit me....some of you might remember when I agonized in the past about workshops H was going to, or rather that I had a "gut" feeling he said he was going to but were really a disguised day out w/ow????? I know there were some in August, some other times as well....anyway, I'm 99.9% sure I was right....besides his "workshop underwear", I'm sure the visited some of the museums he was referring to last night then....I remember so distinctly a huge question mark in my mind when he got home from one "workshop" and talked about how he'd been down by the house where D lived in college (1 block off campus) and stuff that made no sense, because his workshop had supposedly been miles across the town from that. just another one of the weird little "does not compute" brain niggles that is still stuck there.....but I'm sure it was right. I didnt ask because at this point it doesnt make any difference, so there's no sense in revisiting it.
oh, ouch, the anxiety bug is chewing on me again. I am surprised at how strongly this hits me still. I have nothing to report from last night, it was a really dull evening, H walked for an hour, I didnt go because it was 98 degrees still at 7 pm and I was STILL cleaning kitchen cabinets (almost done, thank the Lord)....we just watched tv a little and went to bed. I thought H seemed a little down and with drawn, and this morning when he brought me coffee I thought he kind of rushed off.
He still isnt wearing his ring again, although it sits atop a book on his dresser, not buried in a basket. H did nothing to reassure me, and I guess that is part of my anxiety, although realistically and objectively I know that it's not even fair to expect that much from him right now when he's still hurting. (even though his hurt hurts me)....
I've managed to bite my lip and tongue and not ask for any kind of reassurance. although heaven knows I could use it....maybe all he had to give he gave the day before with bringing home his schedule and talking for hours.
Again, I'm just shocked at how hard it is. Maybe it isnt surprising though, this damn A has gone on for over 2 years now, and I've been through this at least 2X before. I think it made me more anxious the other night when he said they had broken up before for 6 or 8 weeks....maybe if it would ever hit the 12 week mark I would feel better.
I'm trying to shift my focus back to building more "good stuff" between us, kinda hard to get back there after the last month, and it has been a month now since I pushed him so hard.
I did read through Sage's thread, and it helps to see that she also has struggled with the anxiety. If anyone has any clues on dealing with it, I could sure use them....Ellie's adage about not looking at the ditch if you don't want to go there has almost become my mantra of late.
I'm not sure what to do that would be affirming of the goodness in our R and yet not pushing him too much too soon. I know he needs some time to grieve and process, but I want to give him something positive to focus on as well.
I did mention I thought we needed to go somewhere over night while S is gone, just the 2 of us, and he said "I'm game", so I'm debating whether to plan something as a surprise or get him involved....I just don't know.
I'm trying to think of little pleasant things I can do....I still need to get the pictures for his office framed, I can do that quickly, I know he'd like that....;
I used to put cards in his lunch and leave them for him, etc., until I found some the ow had given him, even the same damn ones, so I've backed way off on that....he seems to have really liked the copy of "The Prophet" I gave him, so maybe something like that. I'm thinking he might like Ogden Nash, maybe I'll check with the book store.
I dunno, I'm thinking of maybe fixing breakfast early saturday if he stays home, wearing a see-thru top with nothing under it. I don't know if that's too forward or not, just kinda depends and is hard to predict. hhmmmmmm
The house is really a wreck right now with so much stuff out of cabinets and all, so getting that done would be good. and then some more....I still havent gotten our br redecorated as much as I want, but it's so hard to find the time when everyone is home and there are a jillion things to keep up with and QT for us is a top priority, even if it's just sitting and talking or watching tv....I dunno, I really am stumped for something different and small but pleasant and fun....any ideas????
I may even call the dr and see if I can bump up this prozac a bit to help with some of the anxiety.
I guess one small + did happen, we were chatting this morning about how we did/didnt sleep (lord we do sound like old married people) and I commented that I hoped I hadnt woke him/bothered him, because I had snuggled up against him to "spoon" a couple of times in the night...and he said "I remember once, you don't need to worry about that, it's never a problem, I like it"....so I guess that's different from the days when we both clung to our own side of the bed.
I'm feeling like I must be the most boring person on earth right now....and really trying to think of something I can do to be "different", exciting, without looking/acting like a 50 year old woman who's lost her mind and reverted to a teen ager. Guess that rules out the Harley, even if I had the $$$...or not....but, WHAT can I do that wouldnt seem rediculous????????????????
I wish we could just slap that damn bug and kill it! It keeps hanging around me too, but as more time goes by, the feelings are less often. I know how hard it is to not get that reassurance you need and you may have to bite until you bleed, but it has to be avoided. You have to keep busy and keep your mind occupied with other things. Not just sitting around thinking but doing something that requires you to concentrate. A good funny movie helps me out. I've gone to movies alone if I couldn't find a friend to go. My H would freak out cuz he would call me and I had the phone off since I was in the theatre (he didn't know that). And he call and call. I'd call after the movie and he'd ask who I was with and I'd say no one. I don't think he believed me at first.
I see a lot of things you want to do for him in your post, which is great--but what about you. What are you doing to GAL? Some things I did were the movies, spent lots of time at a friend's house--we became even closer friends so that was a bonus. I volunteer at the animal shelter, I had my son's soccer games to go to for awhile, I drove around, I shopped, I volunteered at the local haunted house during Halloween (another place I couldn't use the phone and he would call and call). I did things like that I would never have done before. I started having my own life and things to do. I didn't wait around for him to call to make sure I didn't miss anything (he didn't call that much). Now I don't expect him right after work, I don't always go right home after work and I sometimes schedule a dinner date with girlfriends and just let him know I won't be making dinner that night. Sometimes I even go meet him where he is without him inviting me too. Not often cuz he likes his time with the boys, but once in a while.
And why not meet him with something a little transparent on? Being a little playful in ways that you usually aren't can really be fun for both of you. Remember PATIENCE. I know this has happened twice before, but what if this is the last time. Can you act as if it is. You are doing great!
Quote: I'm feeling like I must be the most boring person on earth right now....and really trying to think of something I can do to be "different", exciting, without looking/acting like a 50 year old woman who's lost her mind and reverted to a teen ager. Guess that rules out the Harley, even if I had the $$$...or not....but, WHAT can I do that wouldnt seem rediculous????????????????
Black boots with a nice tall heel under your stylish jeans. White tailored shirt (the slightly stretchy kind with a little spandex) unbuttoned enough to show a little cleavage. Black leather jacket (tailored, like a suit jacket). Big hoop earrings.
This outfit comes to you directly from a WAS - my H. He described it to me, and was thrilled when I put it together. He still loves it when I wear it.
Also - don't forget novelty - different perfume, new top, new earrings, etc.
You are way awesome! I admire you so much, and I just had to laugh at the image of you wanting to slap H until his eyes crossed over the potential dinner invite, but smiling sweetly instead.
You are an inspiration!
Ellie's outfit sounds very sexy, think I will also try that one!
ah, Ellie, you are Great! I'm gonna work on putting that together this weekend. I know exactly the shirt you're talking about....and I don't have a black leather jacket or high heeled boots, so it would be very different...Kinda helps spark my imagination a little to...
However, don't stop there....If anything else pops into your mind, PLEASE, DO TELL! I'm working on a still different mind-set here. (very different)
