After thinking about this post in response to Lou, , I started to think, how many of us are stuck " in love" with someone who is really "abusive"?
It likely is not intentional, like some men who really don't know how to treat women, right or wrong, can this denial of affection be the "same thing" and should we treat it as such and find avenues the same as if we were battered? (not jail obviously)
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Quote: I started to think, how many of us are stuck " in love" with someone who is really "abusive"?
Not abusive as I see it. It is neglectful or not being able to see the loss the HD spouse feels. It's also the feeling one gets when you know the SO only gave the problem "a lick and a promise" to address the problems.
I know that sometimes "a lick and a promise" response is a way for the SO to cover up her/his feelings of not wanting to get hurt if things don't work out. It is also a timing and direction thing in my case. One S wnts to go one way or at another time or sees little hope in some of the potential solutions.
Write more about why you feel/think it is abuse.
OG Lou. Every story has three sides, mine, yours, and something like the truth.
well yes but...what I was trying to get at is the way "shrinks" treat women who identify they are in an abusive relationship and yet keep on coming back to jepardize their hearts and in the real sence of the word "abusive" their bodies.
How did LP once say it addicted to them? You know better, you hope it will improve, yet you insanely go back to the same ole/same ole.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Quote: You know better, you hope it will improve, yet you insanely go back to the same ole/same ole.
LostGal, are you thinking nothing will improve in your situation but you still hope and hoping is like going back again and again? Any baby steps in mind to make you feel better?
Is the (the way "shrinks" treat women) refering to you or someone else?
*blush* nah Lou, I'm not being physically badgered. My 'shrink' has more than once counselled me to leave like most do. I think I have vertically dropped over our "sofa" of all things but such a story!...anyhow H has improved in non intamate things in marriage and I'm trying to find solice in this. I'm trying to heal so I can do the apple pie and get on with a guilt free life. Then something comes up...like taking the lawnmower to the flower bed and I think how thoughtless he is. Then I counter it with had I weeded it, the flowers would have been more obvious, had I staked it...and put the blame on me. Which leads to "CUT THE @)(#$*@)#*$(THING ALL DOWN" Which isn't healing.
I acknowledge, he is not doing anything intentionally malicious, just that he doesn't grasp the problem and I can't be totally empathetic with his ED...his conversations with me indicate that his hapiness in that reguard was totally physical. (I found out that his first wife was frustrated by attentions only once a month and that goes back to his 20's--he claimed he read it somewhere) I doubt I'll ever find out the route to that thinking.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I'm not sure I agree that a SSM is necessarily abusive. There are many variables that can go into an SSM, sure some of them "could" be abusive, but I think that would have to go on a case-by-case scenario.
I know, I'm not in an abusive situation...what my H and I are experiencing has quite a bit to do with conditioning he received from what I would call abusive situations, mentally abusive situations. But in my situation I would find it impossible to call it abusive, primarily due to the fact that my H was clueless to what he was doing for the longest time, it wasn't intentional. Perhaps for me that's the line, I see abuse as an intentional thing...I know for me, in the past when I have been in an abusive situation the person being abusive was VERY aware of what they were doing.
Now, lets say for a moment that hypothetically my H was intentionally withholding affection & sex from me...that, I would consider abusive and manipulating....and for me, that'd be a whole different situation that I'd be dealing with.
OOOH I'm not getting my point across...the LD is not abusive, I'm saying that my "try again and going back to him" is responding to him as a battered spouse would going back to the abuser.
I wish I was better spoken...
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
