Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy How do you deal with OW????

That makes me feel like I am 2nd best or 2nd choice

Kim, if my WAW came back to me, I wouldn't consider myself as her second choice. I was her first choice. The OM is the person who was her second choice. And, really, to someone vulnerable to having an affair such as the WAS is, as it could have been any number of people that could've been the OP, obviously all the contenders couldn't have been "first choice", right?

The WAS was attracted to you at one time because of many different qualities and traits of yours. The OP has a few different traits, but not all the things that attracted the WAS to you. The OP just has a difference enough, sometimes something opposite what you have, that attracts the WAS simply because the WAS is looking for something different.

Nothing in that is "first choice" material.

I believe thinking things such as "I don't want to be the second choice" is part of the negative thinking that causes more misery. Instead, shouldn't we be focusing on a positive and thinking instead, "I want to be the first choice!"

For those whose spouses have gone off to try out a R with the OP...

Can anyone remember a movie many many years ago with Robert Redford, Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson ??? Can;t remember the title, but Demi left her H (Woody) to be with Robert Redford, but at the end she went back to Woody. There was a tag in that show that went something like this "you let her go, and if she comes back you'll know that she really belongs to you". Guessed...we need to do this?

(But personally, don't think I have to guts to do this! Yes..I admit. I am chicken..CLUCK! CLUCK!)

What I realize about the OW is that she comes off across as the 'more understanding one' to our H's needs and worries. I'd like to be understanding, but it is my life that they have both turned upside down, and this child's. I struggle with how to be reasonable and understanding at an unreasonable/ confusing time.

This was a big thing for me. My H was very open and talked to me about how wonderful and understanding the OW was. And of course it was very difficult for me to be that way as I felt the same as glj. But somewhere along the way, I was able to change that about myself. I do fall back to those old feelings and even act on them sometimes which definately needs to be eliminated. However, after really looking this whole situation over, I am taking on the role of being kind and understanding. For me, rebuilding my marriage is my focus and I can only do that through kindness, caring and understanding.

The cool thing -- the OW isn't always so understanding anymore

So how do I deal with her -- I don't. I've been through phases. Several months ago I went through a confrontation phase - I don't advise that at all. It really did not help my efforts. Then I went through an avoidance phase where I was paranoid that I would run into her out somewhere and thinking about that made me feel so inferior and terrified of what she might think of me. That was stupid of me. So now, once in a while the urge to confront her comes back but I push it down, way down. And as far as running into her out and about somewhere, I really don't care anymore. I like who I am and I do not have to prove a thing to her.

So the best thing I can say is work to the point where you can begin to "act as if" the OW doesn't exist. And never think of yourself as second best.........

TJ

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So the best thing I can say is work to the point where you can begin to "act as if" the OW doesn't exist. And never think of yourself as second best.........

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Thank you for this advice it helped me a lot! I'm gonig through this right now even though he says she's a "friend". I have been tring to find away to deal with this. I am going to act AS IF (I don't care). Is this right?? Oh yeah I'm going to GAL starting right NOW!

Hey Guys,
Sorry I haven't responded but been busy this weekend.
To all of you thanks for your honest replies it does help to hear other people opinions and experiences.
NYSurvivor thanks you are right I am No1 choice that is a much better way of looking at it. I will think that way now.
Hellkat - I am so sorry you took a bit of a backslide but
there was a lot of positives. You both have a bond that doesn't seem to be able to be broken no matter how much he runs from it he still comes back which is a positive I guess it's how long do you wait but if you are thinking like me your marriage is the most important thing and you will do whatever it takes so stay focused.
NOW FOR THE UPDATE....
Today is Monday and on Friday my H rang me to organise picking up S9. We discussed this and then I told him that our S was feeling rather distant and didn't really care if he saw his Dad or not. As this is a total backflip to the tears he has been crying until now I mentioned this to H who took it as a guilt trip I was laying on him instead of the way I intended which was so he could do some legwork and make son more comfortable. So I lost it and said you know what if you think that is a guilt trip and not meant as a protection and informative thing I have done then we have bigger problems than I thought. You are the one feeling guilty and that is your problem to deal with, take a look at yourself feeling like the victim when our son and myself were the original victims. I have done nothing but support you through this whole sitch and this is the thanks I get well you can get stuffed and if you want be to play the nasty wounded W I will. He then said he would discuss this when he picked up the kids and I told him to think hard about what he wanted to say as it might be his last chance as I didn't need the [censored]. He came over and I made him a coffee and he ate about 3 humble pies with his apologies. He claimed it shocked him and made him feel guilty and he lashed out at me about it. I told him whilst I understand this would have been a shock it was no reason to take it out on anyone and that he had to learn to deal with his feelings. We then chatted about this for about an hour and I then said look you will have to go as I am going out for dinner. He then wanted to know who with and I said none of your business. Amazingly he stayed for coffee when he dropped our S off and then Sunday when we were both watching our S at footy he asked if he could come
back for a coffee before he went to work. Which he did. He then rang Sunday night from work to see how we were and to get someone's phone number. He is very curious as to how I spend my time and who with but in true DB form I smile and say it's none of his business but I am enjoying myself. He then wants to know if I have been having sex and I tell him that I dont ask how often he has it with OW so he shouldnt be asking me. (Mind you none since he told me about her) but he doesnt need to know that. We got along well on the weekend and he said he finds it hard spending time with me as he feels guilty all the time and I said well I am sure you do and you should but you do need to get over it as I have and move on. Apparently OW has been giving him a bit of a hard time about spending time with me as she feels I have a Hidden motive. (How true is that).
I asked him what he said and he said that he didn't believe that and that we are good friends and he would like to keep it that way. I thought Yippee if she is putting pressure on him this quick then that might make my job alot easier as he still says he misses things with us and that he sometimes wonders if he has done the right thing. I just say well only you can answer that.
So I think things are going quite well at the moment and I am planning and thinking all the time about how to get in his head and make him think of me without being in his face and I think it might be working. Dont know if this is right or not and alot of you a probably waiting for the fall but I am hoping it wont come.
I am speaking to him tonight so will let you all know tomorrow how much further I have got if any. Goodluck to you all and please keep talking to me as you all give me such courage and strength.

You have made such positive progress. I only wish my H would give me a chance like that. You have such PMA and GAL. Sounds like he must be coming around. But remember: baby steps, baby steps.

Good DBin'
keep strong.
Russ

Hi guys -
Well he asked me yesterday to ring him last night when I got home from work to which I replied that I would. We had been discussing how tired he was from work and we had a bit of a routine with this. He would tell me from work that they were flat out and he was really busy and then when he got home I would run him a bath with candles, wash his back then leave him to his peace, he would come out I would give him a relaxation massage, then when we went to bed I would rub his head until he fell asleep. So I said to him "Well you know what used to help make you feel better" and he replied "Yes I know you were very good to me". I replied yes I think I was but really you should get your OW to do that for you, he sort of grunted and said "Yeah we'll see". Anyway I told him I had to go and would speak to him tonight and said goodbye and hung up.
Well I didn't ring him until about 6.30 (had said it would be 5.15) and he said he was beginning to wonder if I was going to call at all. (I had thought about going around to give him a massage and then leaving just to put myself in his head and show him I had no hidden agenda (hahaha) and just leave as friends) This would also have showed him what a nice person I am and would you believe when we were on the phone he did say to me was I going to come around and give him a massage tonight to which I replied yes I was thinking of it but thought I would ring first and see if OW was expected. He replied that she was calling in when she finished work around 7 for a few hours. I told him it was good that I rang then wasn't it and he said yes it may have made things awkward. (I was spewing but didnt let him know). So we chatted for about half an hour and things went very well I then said look on Sunday after the Father, Son Footy match would you like to come back for Bacon & Egg Brunch(Knowing he loves it) and stay for a couple of hours at the house with us, we might watch a movie or something. He replied "Thanks he would like that very much". I did ask him how things were going with OW and he replied "Yeah O.K." in a very average tone. I said to him hey you dope this is still new and exciting you should be saying "Yeah good" in a sing song voice to which he replied Well we do have some things to sort out but it's o.k. I told him "Oh well hopefully you sort them out quick as you dont sound real happy and thats not good you have to enjoy life like me and not be so down" and he said "Yes well it seems you are very busy lately" and I said "Yes I am, but it's fun and I will slow down a bit when I am ready". Anyhow this is the kind of banter we are now sharing and I just wanted to say that it really seems to be making him stop and think and want to speak to me. I dont ring him or text message, I try to make it that he rings me or we make arrangements of when I am going to call, so it's like it's his idea, not me just ringing up out of the blue. It's amazing how he says they have things to sort out when they have only been open about their relationship for 3 weeks. It should still be fantastic. Apparently they don't see each other much just 2 nights a week overnight but thats it and have to see each other at work otherwise. I am gaining confidence and allow my husband to think things that just are not happening but it makes him curious and keeps me in his head, which I believe is a good thing. So fellow DBers keep it all up and surf this site as there is so much good advice around.
I hope this gives some of you inspiration to keep working at it, I am not there yet but am still working towards it.
Let's hope I dont crash & burn as everything that goes up must come down which is scary unless I've grown wings.
Kim

Hey H just rang me to chat and I asked him if he told OW that it was me he was on the phone to last night. He said no he told her it was a mate as he couldnt be bothered getting into it all with her last night. So that is a good sign isnt it. If he is lying to her already and not saying that he was speaking to me it makes me think she must be giving him grief where I am concerned. So I will keep being
niiiice and understanding and show I am the better person and the better choice. He also said something rather strange, I told him I had to get going and I said I wont speak to you tonight as she will probably be there and he said he didnt know why but he would ring me b4 he left work to let me know if she was working tonight. Why would he do that????????I will have to see what he says when he rings in the next 2 hours. Will keep you posted though.
So I think I am getting more airtime in his head, by what he is saying. I hope I am not going to crash though as I have a feeling the landing will be very rough. This is going way too well at the moment but maybe someone else will learn when I do crash about not getting hopes up too high as mine are sky high at the moment. Anyway am interested in your views on this as I am sure you can see what will happen through your own experiences....

WOW! Cannot believe that you would actually go to your WAS place to give him a massage. Really a good DBing practitioner, you are!! Well, it seems it is working real well. Keep up the good work!!!