I feel for you - this ambiguity sounds like a tough place to be. Try to focus on the R you will continue to share with her rather than the M, as this gives the D less power/emphasis.
How are you doing in terms of attitude when hanging out with W - such as at dinner with her and D3? Are you able to stay light/positive?
You took a brief hiatus from the forum it seems. I hope your truck situation is resolved and that you are handling W's vacation well.
My W has been steadily dropping in spirits since her Declaration of Indpendence (on May 22). She has not called me at all. What's with that? I am keeping steady PMA, particularly in her presence. I am acting as if I am okay despite the impending shoe-drop. During dinners with W and D3 I am staying positive, cheerful, being a good listener etc. She has not metioned the D anymore after May 22. So I dont have any idea where she is with that. In any case, I am focussing on R with her and playing the D as unnecessary/annoying paperwork that I may have to deal with when the time comes. I am sure when the papers hit my desk I will have a loss of PMA but I am going to treat that as a transient and keep going.
At this point, while I am on high PMA my W seems to have slipped into withdrawal/depression stage of the six MLC stages.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Well, my W appears to be trying to get out of withdrawal/depression by entering into replay instead. I.e. she has been shopping till she is dropping! In the past few days she has bought a whole lot of things, for D3 as well as herself (purchases include a new TV and DVD player). This week she has actively tried to get out of the depression of last week by shopping and going out with friends each night (female friends). Well, at least her spirits are a little better than last week and she seems to have a little more energy. The rollercoaster continues. I am maintaining my PMA at a steady state by running, reading, enjoying my D3 and detaching from W's yo-yoing.
She seems to be using WalMart as her ones-stop-shop for PMA...Well, let me be positive here, at least it is not an OM!
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Thought I better drop in and see what is going on. Shopping is good...as long as she can afford it. I do that myself...shop if my PMA is low. My ex has been doing a fair amount as well. She has quite a few new outfits. Which is amazing since she only has a part time job and child support. Oh well...she's likely dipping into the nestegg she left with.
But overall I take that to be a good thing. Means that life isn't so grand for your wife. It can't be a bad thing when shopping is needed to get a lift.
So how are things with you? Are you still staying fairly dark? You don't talk a whole lot about your sitch although you are a great help to others. Yes, even to me. Just imagine how much pursuing I'd do if I didn't have these little consciences from the bb in my head. How about telling us of something positive in your situation. Any ideas on improving things?
Have a great father's day.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I hope all of you had a great father's day! I am in a tight deadline situation and will be busy until Wednesday and so this will be a short post.
Had a good father's day. Went out to dinner with W and D3 and W gave me a card (signed only by D3) and a gift-cert to BestBuy (have been looking for a new digital camera to take pictures of D3). So it was okay. Physical space between W and I has shrunk so that accidental touching on every opportunity is now treated like a normal thing. W has recovered to a fairly cheerful state. I have been validating and supporting her and making eye-contact like crazy. have also mainatined my PMA and applied absolutely no pressure. And things are good. She is maintaining good eye-contact with me as well.
And this is one month to her saying she wants a D. And no sign that she is working on D papers!! W in fact appears to be treating me with more respect and (dare I say) affection than in the past two years?!! Will report in more detail once the deadline has passed. Best to you all.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Week 3: I did not see W much during the week. W appeared to attempt to pick up her PMA by shopping like crazy (sh is wont to do this for therapy). Weekend was pleasant. We did the usual Saturday gymnastics and hangout thing with D3. That was nice. W seems to be getting more comfortable around me. Physical space has shrunk enough that now contact is natural. One morning this week she came up and sat right next to me (zero space) and we both tried to act like it's no big deal. But I know for a fact that W was perturbed by it for a while. I kept my cool however. She tries to repeat the shrinkage of physical space move every time I am at her place to pick up D3. Sometimes I feel that she is doing it on purpose, sort of like willing herself to get comfortable. I take that as a positive. Father's day W, I and D3 went out to dinner (she paid) and then we took D3 to a playground and it was a nice evening. On the GAL front I played tennis this week and also have been running in training for Chicago marathon. On Sunday I ran 11 miles and feel confident I can do 15 miles at this point. I want to do an under-4-hour marathon this time. A modest goal but do-able. My PMA is up, with successes at work in the past couple of week also.
Summary:
May 22, 2005: Declaration of intent to D by W. Week 0: W out of town. I get PMA up. Week 1: W's PMA is up. Physical space shrinks a lot. Week 2: W's PMA is way down. Physical space expands. I maintain PMA and validate. Week 3: W gets PMA up by shopping. Physical space shrinks but not to Week 1 level. June 21, 2005: Still here, no sign that W is working on D. Still preparing for anything.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
What do you do when you are sitting right next to each other? Just sit and watch? Any hint that she wants something more? I admire your self-control. I would typically at least put my arm around her for a bit and maybe rub her neck. Maybe you are well aware of what the result of doing that kind of thing would be. Does she ever initiate putting her arm around you or something along those lines? Just curious. I'm not advocating initiating. I'm just trying to figure out whether there was some kind of missed opportunity here.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: But I know for a fact that W was perturbed by it for a while.
HOW?! You have no idea if she perturbed, unless she hit you. She sat next to you, remember.
GUYS, I see a terrible pattern here in the last 24-48 hours. Suddenly everyone seems to know what their X is feeling and thinking. Please, please, please let the rest of us mere mortals in on the secret of mind reading?
Uh, on second thought, never mind. We really do NOT want to know what is going on in there.
You are right, absolutely....Nothing gets my "little devil in the head" running like trying to analyze my W and her thought processes. You can slap me up and down anytime I do that .
Wes:
BTW, so far, when my W comes over to sit right next to me, I have just been holding my position and not making any moves. And I am not going to. Believe me, it is really difficult to that (seeing as how the last time we rolled in the hay was circa 2002 AD!!). Yeah, call me Gandhi....Or just call me Shaquille O'Neal. I just hold position and dont budge....
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I do that myself...shop if my PMA is low. My ex has been doing a fair amount as well. She has quite a few new outfits. Which is amazing since she only has a part time job and child support. Oh well...she's likely dipping into the nestegg she left with.
Will report in more detail once the deadline has passed. Best to you all.
.