Do you guys have any Health Insurance? Does his company have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program)? If not, on either count, I can tell you that the MFT I (still) see charges $125 per hourly (50 min) session. She has worked a deal for me (as my PPO won't cover it) to pay $90 per session.
I'm sure that the local County Mental Health Department has either free or low-cost services available in your area. Also, you can try your church or a local church in your area. The counselling is usually at no cost but it will definitely have a religious basis.
I will say that $90 every 2 weeks can be a challenge at times but I think it has definitely helped me. I highly reccommend seeing someone. A professional perspective can only be a plus.
Quote: Do you guys have any Health Insurance? Does his company have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program)? If not, on either count, I can tell you that the MFT I (still) see charges $125 per hourly (50 min) session. She has worked a deal for me (as my PPO won't cover it) to pay $90 per session.
Unfortunately, I am the only one in this house without health insurance right now . The boys are on an excellent private health plan which hardly costs us a thing. H just received medical benefits through his employer (a small business owner) only 3 weeks ago (H has had this job for 3 years!), and I will be added to it in another week. BUT NOW, I don't know if that's going to happen since (boss) is talking about shutting things down VERY soon -- like immediately!
I had a private health plan of my own just before I became pregnant with the baby. After he was born, we had to add him onto it until we got him approved to be added onto the boys' plan. Luckily, the baby's coverage (through the boys' plan) was approved and went into effect on 02/01/05 because my health coverage was going up to $660 per month (for just the two of us) on that same date!!! With the rates raising, I decided to take myself off as well -- it was going to be almost $400 for me alone .
Quote: I'm sure that the local County Mental Health Department has either free or low-cost services available in your area. Also, you can try your church or a local church in your area. The counselling is usually at no cost but it will definitely have a religious basis.
I'll check to see what the County has to offer. Also, we don't go to church. We believe in God and sometimes pray (we both use to go when we were young children), but we aren't really that religious.
If a session could cost us around $100 every 2 weeks, then I don't think that would be too much of a problem. I was concerned that if it was more around $200 or so per session, then that WOULD be a problem! Hopefully I can try to "wheel and deal" with the C . I was looking through
the Yellow Pages, and there are many MFTs to choose from .
I am also hoping that when I do this, it may give H some kind of gentle persuasion to do it himself . I can only hope for him, but I know that I do need this for myself.
Thanks again, D!
JV
BTW, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL!
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
H called last night around 2am. He woke up since he had fallen asleep around 7pm. H said he was sorry for calling so late but he was thinking of us and wanted to let me know. He also apologized again for his outburst over the phone with me yesterday afternoon. H asked if I hated him, and I said no, of course not. I know we talked for several minutes, but since I was half asleep, I can't remember the whole convo . Before we hung up, H said Happy Father's Day to me (???). I said, "Happy Father's Day to YOU. You're Dad, not me!" H just said "yeah" then "ILY" before we hung up.
I went to pick up S5 from my parents this morning (it was his weekend to be with them) then we came home. I had S9 and S5 call H to wish him a Happy Father's Day, and luckily he answered. They talked for awhile then hung up. I didn't speak with H that time. I didn't ask for the phone, and apparently H didn't ask for me.
BTW, I didn't get anything for H per his request. H's birthday is this coming Saturday, and he said not to get him anything for it either -- nothing from me OR from the kids. Not even a card. H said he doesn't want anything because he doesn't feel he deserves it. The boys usually like making a card for him, but he didn't even want that happening, so I told them to just wait until Dad got home then they could do something special for him here at the house. They were ok with that.
The boys and I went back to my parents' house for dinner, but before we got there, I wanted to stop and pick out a dessert to take. As I'm coming to a stop sign, I hear a loud pop, and I'm thinking, "Ohhhh pleeeease don't let that be the back tire again!" I parked (we were at the store already) and checked the tire, and it was fine.
So we got the dessert, and after leaving the parking lot, I hear and feel a "thump-thump-thump-thump-...". I pull into a nearby gas station to check ALL the tires this time, and sure enough, my right front tire (passenger side) has a HUGE bolt sticking out of it ! I'm thinking, "Hah! Just my luck! 2 weeks ago, a small nail in my back tire, and now a bolt in the front one. NICE!"
I carefully drove to my parents' (they were only a few minutes away), and my stepdad called AAA to have them put the spare on for me. They said they would be there in 30 minutes, but it was more like AN HOUR and 30 minutes . In the meantime, we had a very nice dinner together -- my mom, my stepdad, the boys, and me. One of my sisters and her family showed up about an hour and a half later -- oh yeah, when the tow-truck finally showed !
Anyhow, we've never had to use the spare on my truck before, so when the tow guy was ready to change it, he asked where the rod was to release the spare from underneath the bed of the truck. I didn't know what he was talking about , so my stepdad explained it to me then we looked all throughout the truck for it and found nothing. Luckily since my sister also has a truck (a different make though), we checked to see if hers would work, and it did (whew! ).
While the spare was being put on, I called H to see if he knew where the rod to our truck could be, but he didn't answer. It was ringing, so his phone WAS ON (I'll get to this later), but I left him a voicemail. I tried calling H again about 15 minutes later, it WAS ringing, but still no answer so I left him another message. I'm feeling rather unnerved at this point -- H not asking to talk to me after he did with the boys earlier, the whole tire thing again (OH! BTW, my stepdad found ANOTHER nail in the driver's side front tire {????!!!!} that looks like it's been there for awhile now but the tire hasn't leaked YET -- my guess is it's from all the underground road construction that's been happening here lately), and H not answering his phone when it is clearly on since it's ringing and not calling me back.
Anyway, we visited with my sister for awhile before they left. Then while the boys were off playing in another part of the house, and my stepdad was laying down with the baby for a snooze, my mom began asking me how was H doing, how were WE doing. I told her he was fine and just very busy with work, and I told her we were fine also. My mom gave me a "look" -- the kind that is telling you, "I don't believe you. I know SOMETHING is wrong." I asked her "what?" like I was playing stupid or something. Then she told me that both S9 and S5 have told them (her and my stepdad) about H's talk with them about possibly moving out a couple months back..... ......My mom said, "Mi hija....I can see that you are hurting. I've seen it for a long time now, even before the boys said anything to us, but I haven't said anything about it to you because I've been waiting for you to come to me when you were ready. But I can't let it go any longer. What is happening with you and H?"
Well.......I spilled my guts and did a LOT of crying. I've been wanting to talk to my mom so bad about all of this but then I didn't want to get her involved in any way either. But I did tell her everything. Well, almost everything. I told her about the A, his indecision from time to time, his worries and fears that I know of as well as my own, that I have been making changes in myself for me and for the boys, that I'm trying to salvage this M still even though I am unsure about it at times, and that I'm going to start C soon because I need the help with sorting through all these feelings and emotions. I did not tell her about any of H's severe depression and bulimia though.
I also told her how remorseful H has been, and how he IS trying to make things better. Maybe not quite enough as I would like, but he is trying.
My mom was stunned. She said, "I knew something was wrong, but I never would've thought of an A. I never would've thought that from H.....(sigh).....(stepdad) and I will support you no matter what. We are here for you. You know that. You are our daughter, and we want nothing more than for you, and those 3 precious boys, to be happy......They deserve it, and so do you......Marriage takes two, JV. You cannot make it work all on your own,.... but if you have enough love and faith in your heart that things could turn around for the better, then you stick with it. You be there for H when he needs you to be, and he needs to be there for you as well. He needs to find a job where he can be closer to home because how can you work on the R when he's gone all the time? How are things going to get any better when he's not home? Those boys need their father, and you need your H."
I told her about what's going on with his job now and that H is looking to get a different one. She said she would talk to my stepdad to see if he could keep his eyes and ears open for anything that may come up.
We talked a bit more, and she gave me a hug only a mother can give . She told me to definitely see a C and hopefully H would change his mind and go, too.
I asked her not to talk to anyone else about this except for my stepdad. She said, "Of course not. That goes without saying, mi hija. It's not my place or (stepdad)'s to do so. We have no right to. Just please come and talk to us whenever you need to. We are here for you, and for H. We will not treat or look at him any differently than we have in the past. We love H, too, you know." I told her I know and that I wasn't going to tell H that I had talked to her about this because then he may never feel like showing his face around here ever again.
(Whew)....another long post from JV .
Anyway, the boys and I finally came home, and the phone was ringing. I answered and it was H. He said he was sorry for not answering his cell -- he said he had it OFF.....Hmmm. If it's off then it WILL NOT ring and it will go straight to voicemail. I know this, and H knows this -- ugh! Forget it.
H asked what we did today then he told me that he went to see "Batman" tonight. I was a little hurt by this but said nothing of course. I was just thinking to myself, "You haven't taken me to a movie in over a year or so.".....trying to let it roll .
H said he would probably be there for the rest of this week. Some more jobs were scheduled throughout the week, but he was going to try to be home by his birthday (Saturday), and that was it. No "ILY"s tonight. In fact, H sounded like he was in a hurry to get off the phone suddenly......oh well.
Ok. I think I got everything out now . I'm up way too late. I'm going to talk to H tomorrow about C for me. Wish me a bit of luck please!
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Hi JV - What an eventful weekend. I'm glad your mom is there for you, and yes, there are some hugs only a mom can give. It must seem like there are so many missing links still with H, but as you posted a few days ago, there are also many, and a growing number, of positives. The lies, evasions and inconsistencies used to drive me batty, until I learnt to interpret them as 'he cares enough to know the truth will be hurtful' - not easy, but sometimes that sort of rationalization works. Oh, and thought stopping, which you seem to be doing very well - let it roll
JV....Two positives for you. One that you are seeking out counseling. I think it will help you a lot. It sucks you have to ask him for the money. But I wouldn't feel bad about asking. Or another possibility could be maybe if you got a part time job for awhile and you wouldn't have to ask him. But I know that can be hard with a baby and a husband that is away so much. But I did notice you mentioning he can find a career woman if that is what he wants. Does he resent that you are a SAHM? Would he be prepared if he is resentful of this to stay at home and watch the kid's while you work?
Also I would just think back to how he was about his phone during the A. Does it bring about these feelings in you because he wouldn't answer the phone then? Was he easily aggitated with you like he has been the past couple of times? One thing I have noticed is that a lot of people are very defensive when guilty and not wanting to get caught. Just be prepared. But also realize you could be wrong.
Another positive is you do have your parents to go to now. I bet it felt great to be able to vent and get some of the heavy burden off your heart. It hurts even more to hold it all in and not be able to talk to someone. Like getting that hug and understanding from yout mom felt great I bet. If your children opened up it shows that this is also hurting them and they may be picking up on all the fighting.
I'm glad I opened up to my mom. I feel so much better knowing that she's being very supportive of me with this. I was afraid I would hear, "You need to leave him! Blah blah blah...", because she was betrayed, too, in her past Ms. Thankfully she didn't because that would not have been what I wanted to hear.
It does seem and feel like there is so much still missing here, but you're right about the positives and how they are growing. WHY do I always seem to overlook something as this when it is so valuable and so important to me??? UGH!!!
...'he cares enough to know the truth will be hurtful'...
Sounds like this way of thinking could be beneficial to me as well. I'm going to try this approach and see if it helps. Thanks!
I feel like I have been doing better, too, with letting things roll. That's pretty much what I'm doing when I write my "oh well"s . Just my little way of reminding myself that I cannot control anything or anyone but myself.
Thank you for your thoughts and insight, Slowly. It's greatly appreciated !
JV
PS -- cally, I'll respond to your post later tonight -- getting ready to go to MIL's for a bit. I haven't spoken with H today so far, so.... .... no info on a C appt yet. I'm sure I'll talk to him tonight though.
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Quote: ... you are seeking out counseling. I think it will help you a lot.
I believe so, too. I've been trying to deal with all these emotions and thoughts on my own, and although the BB has been positively WONDERFUL , I do feel that I need more, and I hope that H will be very understanding about this (crossing my fingers ).
Quote: It sucks you have to ask him for the money... Or another possibility could be maybe if you got a part time job for awhile and you wouldn't have to ask him. But I know that can be hard with a baby and a husband that is away so much.
The money sitch can be tough. There's more than plenty, but asking H for it sometimes can be like pulling teeth .
I wouldn't mind getting a part-time job, but yes, it's really hard with the baby and H frequently away. Plus, what would I be working for? To barely pay the childcare costs of 3 kids ?
H and I have talked about this before, and we both agree that it would be best to wait until the baby is 2 or 3 years old before I look for something. Both S9 and S5 will be in school full-time, and the baby will (obviously) be talking by then and communicating better (a MUST for H and me -- in case something negative ever occurred with the childcare provider).
Quote: But I did notice you mentioning he can find a career woman if that is what he wants.
I don't think I meant he can go and find one. I was being a bit sarcastic and well, yeah, a little "snotty" . When I wrote that, it was at that moment when I felt like maybe I wasn't what H wanted. Maybe he wanted or had hopes to be with someone who was very career-oriented. I was trying to express my feelings that maybe H would like a mate that was very into working and not having a family. Not wanting to be a SAHM.
I feel that H wants less "burden" on him financially and maybe even emotionally. I think he would appreciate me being more independent by earning some income and even helping out, and maybe if I was out in the "adult" world working again, I could develop new friendships and have more invitations to get out and do something. I think H feels somewhat guilty at times about me being at home all the time. I don't know -- just a guess.
Quote: Does he resent that you are a SAHM? Would he be prepared if he is resentful of this to stay at home and watch the kid's while you work?
I think he might, but I really don't know.
H would love to be home with the boys while I worked ! In the past (before DR) when I would complain about H's job taking him away from us so much, H used to say, "Anytime you're ready to support us, just let me know. I'll be GLAD to stay home with the kids!"....Hmmm, I don't know about that . Just kidding! LOL!
This brings me to my 6th goal about going back to school to prepare myself for something big -- with or without H. I'm thinking something in forensic science. I don't know why , but I'm drawn to it, and I find it very fascinating. H knows this and has always said I should do it. I don't know if I could handle any squeamish stuff though.
Quote: Also I would just think back to how he was about his phone during the A. Does it bring about these feelings in you because he wouldn't answer the phone then? Was he easily aggitated with you like he has been the past couple of times? One thing I have noticed is that a lot of people are very defensive when guilty and not wanting to get caught. Just be prepared. But also realize you could be wrong.
I do tend to get anxious and insecure when H doesn't answer his cell like I THINK he should, but I'm beginning to tell myself, "Look, JV. He is out working in AZ (or wherever). He is busy. He is away from his phone because he IS WORKING. Let it go. Just let it go, and H will call back when he is able to THINK of doing so."
I am choosing to think this way because it is healthier, and it is right. (And of course, I'll be coming here to vent when I think otherwise !)
If I continue to doubt H too much, he will feel it in our interactions with each other, and that is definitely something I want to avoid.
Quote: Another positive is you do have your parents to go to now. I bet it felt great to be able to vent and get some of the heavy burden off your heart.
Yes, it was such a great relief. I don't particularly like putting all that on my mom, but as she said, she was very glad that I told her. She wanted me to know that I could talk to her about anything and she would always support me.
Quote: If your children opened up it shows that this is also hurting them and they may be picking up on all the fighting.
When we talked yesterday, she said the boys told them this a couple months ago. So most likely after H had that talk with them, but they haven't said anything else about anything since then.
I did sit down and talk with them last night for awhile. I gently brought up their mentioning of the sitch to their grandparents. S9 said he was sad one day so they asked him why, and he told them about Dad's talk with him and S5. I asked him if he was still sad, and he said, "Nope, not anymore because Dad said he's not going anywhere." (???!!!)
Alright, I have to get the kids' bath ready and get them into bed. They have their dentist appt in the EARLY morning .
I have more to post about today, but I'll do it later.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Ok, I was going to post about today's events, but I'll do it tomorrow -- it's really late now. I got caught up with catching up on everyone else's threads.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Hi there JV, just checking in and catching up on your sitch.
You did have a full weekend! Isn't it amazing how much easier things are when you tell your Mum? She can't fix it but lots of hugs and knowing she'll be there no matter what happens makes a world of difference.
. Thanks for visiting me.
. The boys are on an excellent private health plan which hardly costs us a thing. H just received medical benefits through his employer (a small business owner) only 3 weeks ago (H has had this job for 3 years!), and I will be added to it in another week. BUT NOW, I don't know if that's going to happen since (boss) is talking about shutting things down VERY soon -- like immediately!
. I was looking through
. In the meantime, we had a very nice dinner together -- my mom, my stepdad, the boys, and me. One of my sisters and her family showed up about an hour and a half later -- oh yeah, when the tow-truck finally showed 
!
).
......My mom said, "Mi hija....I can see that you are hurting. I've seen it for a long time now, even before the boys said anything to us, but I haven't said anything about it to you because I've been waiting for you to come to me when you were ready. But I can't let it go any longer. What is happening with you and H?"
. Just my little way of reminding myself that I cannot control anything or anyone but myself.