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Journaling:

Ok...where to begin ?

H called and left 2 messages yesterday (I was in and out here and there). His first message was to tell us that he couldn't wait to see us and he loves us. H sounded a teeny-tiny bit weepy.

H's second message was VERY emotional and long. H said he wanted to tell me he thought I was a great mom, appreciates me raising the boys, he loves them just as much as I do, but he knows I do all the work with them, and I'm such a great mom and wife. He is sorry for taking me for granted, wished he was telling me all this in person. He said he can't help feeling that he sounds like a robot, he wasn't feeling good about anything and especially himself. He wanted to let me know that he was thinking of us, that he was actually thinking of me.

With everything that has happened and will happen, he wants me to know that he thinks the world of me. He thinks I am a sweet, beautiful girl who may have ended up marrying the wrong man, but he wants to do a better job of being a better H and father.

He can't help like feeling that everything bad that could happen keeps happening. He wishes he could redo everything and go back to "ok" times. He wants to feel that way with me again. He wants to feel fine, he wants me to feel fine, and he doesn't want me to feel any badness at all.

H wants to feel proud as a man, a H, and a father. He wants me to be able to walk around with my head held up high and be proud of him. He doesn't want me to feel like I'm with a "tweaked-out panic freak", someone I can't trust. He doesn't want to be that, he wants me to be able to trust him.

He said his thoughts are constantly all over the place, and he wished he had his arms around me. H started crying and said, "ILY, and I wish I could redo things, ok? That's all I wanted to tell you. ILY. Tell the boys I love them, too."

I don't think I need to tell you that I cried during all of that.

There is much more (no surprise) because H called again shortly after we got home, and it involves a phone call that H made to HIS FATHER . H hasn't spoken to him in 8 years.

I have the baby's 9 month check-up to go to now. I'll be back later.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Journaling (cont.):

Alright now. H's last phone call from yesterday.....

H asked where I had been when he called the previous times, and I told him (errands for bills, groceries, etc). I also told him that I wanted to call him back after getting his messages, but I figured he would call me again when he was free. H seemed alright with that, and he told me that he should be home in the next couple of days.

There was silence for a moment so I asked H if he was ok, and he said not really. Then he said, ".....I called my dad today." I was very shocked to say the least! The last time he spoke to him was after we got married 8 years ago, and it was 11 years before that.

I said, "You did?!" H said, "Yeah....I just wanted to say Happy Father's Day to him even though it was a day late and ask him how he's been.....What I really wanted to ask him was how did it feel to throw your whole life away.....It was a mistake, and I wish I never called him.....Calling him was a f***ing mistake......I called information and got his number, and I just sat here in the car driving around staring at it. Just staring at it and trying to decide if I should call him. So I did.....I said "Is XXXXX there?" He said, "Yeah, this is him." I said, "Hi. This is your son (H)." He said, "Hi." Then I said, "....I know it's a day late, but I wanted to say Happy Father's Day." He said, "Thanks." Then I told him that's all I wanted to say and goodbye. He said goodbye, too, and that was it."

H was quiet for a second, but then he started bawling . H said, "I wanted to ask him so bad how did it feel when he threw his life away. When he walked out on his family, his kids, his wife. I wanted to ask him all that, and I was hoping he would say something like it was the worst mistake of his life. I wanted to talk to him about what's happening so I could hear him say "Don't f*** your life up like I did!!!", but he sounded like he just didn't give a s**t that I called! Like we talk everyday and I was bothering him!.....F***! I wish I didn't call his f***ing loser a**!"

I started crying a bit with H and told him I was so sorry. Then H said, "I'm sorry, JV. I'm sorry I'm such a f***ed-up loser." I told H that he is NOT a loser! He started repeating many of the things he said in his last message to me on the phone. H also added that I'm such a "queen", and he wants to treat me like a "princess" everyday because I deserve it.

H started talking again about how he wants me to be proud of him and proud that he is my H. I told H, "I AM proud of you, H. I always have been. You've given me so much more that I could ever dream of having. You've never let me down before. Ever." H said, "I appreciate you saying that, I really do, but this is about ME. I don't feel very proud of myself. I don't feel like I can do enough to make this up to you or to myself. I feel like such a loser."

I told H again that he is not a loser and I also told him that I thought it was very courageous of him to call his father. I told H I really admired him for doing that because I don't think I would have been able to call my biological father like he did. I wouldn't have had the slightest clue what to say to him. H said, "It was hard, believe me. It was so f***ing hard, and I wish I didn't do it. It was such a waste of time."

H said (crying more), "No matter what, JV, please know that ILY. You have to know that. I've said and done so much awful, hurtful s**t to you, and I am disgusted with myself for doing that. I can't believe the things I've said to you. I am so f***ing sorry. I do not feel that way at all! ILY so much, and I just want everything to be better like it used to be. You've always been there for me. Always. Always by my side and believing in me. Never giving up on me. You are so amazing, JV, and you and the boys mean everything to me. I am so sorry."

At this point in the convo, the baby was fussing so H said he'd talk to me later and he couldn't wait to come home to us, to me. H just wants to hold me when he gets here. He said he'd call me tomorrow and "ILY". I told him I loved him, too.

...(Sigh)... A very emotional and painful evening yesterday.

I had planned on talking to H about C for me when I talked to him last night, but, well....it just wasn't the right time I thought. The convo was about H, not me.

I wish that just once I could talk to H's father and say, "Your son needs something from you, and he was trying to reach out to you. It's been almost 20 years, he's called you twice, and both times you shut him out. What the he** is wrong with you?!"

I also wish I could say something to H's maternal grandparents like, "Why were you so g**damn mean and nasty to him all the time? Why was everything he did never good enough for you? Why did you have to always criticize him? What was your problem with him?!"

Oh, how I wish, I wish, I wish.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

More journaling for today :

H has called twice since my last post. He will be home tomorrow ! He's leaving AZ in the morning, so I don't expect him until the late evening.

H was full of stress and fears in his first call. He said, "I think this is it for me with working for (boss).....I just don't know what I'm going to do for a job, JV. I really don't know, and I'm so worried."

I told H, "Babe, you really should try not to worry and stress yourself out so much. You can't control anything that is going to happen.....I really think you could use a month or so off from working. We are going to be fine.....I know I've mentioned this to you before and so have you, but maybe you SHOULD look into starting your own small business. You could be doing something YOU WANT TO DO. You would be your own boss, you wouldn't have to answer to someone else all the time, and you could make your own decisions. I know it would be a BIG change, but it could be well worth it."

H said he'd like to, but he has no idea what kind of business he'd like to have. I told him he should really consider this again, and I will back him up 120% like I always have. H said ok but he didn't know what to do for now. I told him again not to worry. I told him I thought he should take a month or two off while continuing to look for something else, and maybe I could even try to find a little something that I would be able to do out of the house. H didn't say anything in response to that.

Then he told me that XXXXXX (his former co-worker in Oregon) said if H would sell this house and move us up there, he will give H a job that will earn him $10K more than what he is making now. H would still be doing satellite installs. I asked H if that salary was guaranteed, and he said yes. H said the area where we would move to is great for raising children. I asked H to find out all the specifics so we could talk and think about it more. He said alright.

When H called back the second time, he was soooo upbeat !

He was watching the basketball game and asked me if I could record some programs for him. I told him I already had the timer set . H said thank you.

H also told me about his and (bf)'s encounter with a rattlesnake earlier today ! It was crawling right in front of the front door -- YIKES! Those maniacs ( ) actually CAUGHT the thing with a pole and trapped it in some sort of box! Oh! -- and took pictures ! Geez! BTW, a few hours later, they saw that it had escaped . Luckily, they were smart and SANE enough to have kept it outside ! I swear those two are just overgrown boys !

I told H, "Oookaaay. I don't know about moving to AZ now ." H said, "Oh, no way. No way. After working here in all this heat, there's no way I could manage living here. Plus, I don't want to be anywhere near (STBX-boss)."

H chatted with me for a few more minutes then he said, "Are we going to be alright, JV?" I said, "H, we're going to be just fine." H said, "Alright. ILY." I told him me, too, then we said goodbye.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Holy moly JV - I'm reading your posts and there is a huge lump in my throat - wow. I'm so, so happy for you!

This is just so huge, but just make sure you keep dbing ok? Its important for him to feel safe about coming back.

Slowly

JV.......I think you very supportive during that conversation. Great job!!

That is a very big positive that he opens up to you. Communication is a great skill in a man.


I know you have a lot to think about and turmoil and all that with him having to find a new job. But maybe the best way to find out why he strayed is to ask him. That would give you a good foundation to build on in what he felt he was missing. Maybe with the depression, bulimia, and the emotional childhood he had it is such a burden on his heart. I still think he needs counseling. But maybe he is someone who says needs constant reassurance and compliments.

Maybe when he gets home if it is late tonight you could have the kid's in bed and greet him at the door in lingerie. Create some sparks again. Maybe have some candles lit in the bedroom or around the living room. Let him know you want to make him feel better.

Hey JV

I'm with Slowly on this one. Keep DBing and let H know that he is loved and appreciated. Feeling safe is the most wonderful thing. If you can give him that I think you'll be gold! It's what we all want and don't realize it until it's taken away from us.

Take care my friend. You're doing an incredible job! An inspiration to us all. I mean it!!!

Cheers, Scottisheart

Hi all.

Thanks, Slowly, cally, and Scottisheart! Thank you for your support and encouragement.

Slowly, I felt that lump in my throat just now, too, when looking back through my posts. I often go back through them to look for "clues" as to what I need to do. For H, for the R, and for me.

I will not give up DBing !

cally, I don't believe I want to ask H what it was that he got from OW. I think that could just do more damage to H (and our R) since he has made it perfectly clear to me that he wants me to trust him. If I bring up any issues that involve OW, all it's going to do is heighten the pain.

Besides, back when the bomb first dropped, I did ask H what was it about OW for him. He told me OW was just someone to talk to. I thought to myself, "Why couldn't you just talk to me?! Your W?!"

In rereading my posts and thinking back in our R pre-bomb, I think I've nailed it:

Ok...We all know just how very miserable H has been with this current job. He's been this way for the past 2 years -- he's had it for 3.

Throughout these past 2 years, H has come home (or called home) literally EVERYDAY to complain, gripe, and groan about it. He has vented TO ME everytime.

I would listen, and listen, and listen, and listen, and.......you get the picture. About 10 months ago, right before the baby was born, I told H, "Look. I know you're stressed out about your job, but if you're not going to do anything about it to make it better for you, then I don't want to hear about it anymore! I am sick and tired of you b****ing and moaning about it to me everyday! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!"......I was tired, angry, and just plain fed up with it.

When H often came looking for comfort from me ("Is everything going to be alright, JV?" or "Please tell me we're going to be ok.") which he did a LOT, I got tired of that, too. I had said to him, "H, I can't tell you that all the time because I don't even know myself. I just don't know!"

So....he stopped. He would still vent from time to time, but it was happening less and less. He had become distant, and we were rarely talking with each other. And ah hah! -- this was about the time the EA started. He found someone else who listened to him when all along, it should have been ME. OW probably comforted him, too, but again, it should have still been ME.

So....what have I learned from this?

I have learned and accepted that H needs to vent about....umm, anything....that is on his mind. He also needs to be reassured that everything is going to be fine when he is doubting it.

This is who H is. I knew it back then, but I had forgotten it, and I was tired of feeling like his "dumping ground".

I think I have also made another discovery regarding how H feels nothing he has or does is ever good enough:

When H acquires something new whether it's a different car or talking about other job opportunities, he is always very enthused about it. I am happy to see H so thrilled, but I don't show the same intense enthusiasm as H does. We can be equally happy IMO, but since I don't express a childlike happiness about things, H has said on the past, "You don't like it, do you?" I always tell H no, I do. I always smile and say something like, "That's cool!"

I'm thinking that because I don't jump for joy when H feels I should like he does, then perhaps this brings about his feelings that nothing he does is ever good enough.

I'm thinking I need to step up with more enthusiasm when H has something to share that he is thrilled about..... That is going to be tough because although I AM happy and share in his joy about most things ( ), I'm just not as intense about it as he is. That's not how I am.

(Sigh)....No doubt this is HARD work .

BTW, I do plan on wearing H's favorite nightie tonight ! It's nothing provocative, just really soft and feminine .

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Journaling:

I suppose I should've named my last post "Some lessons RElearned" .

Anyway, H arrived just after 12am. He lifted me up and we just held each other for about 15 minutes -- seriously. That felt really great, but what wasn't so great was he told me he had been drinking before he got here. H said he stopped off in Stockton (about 40 minutes away from us) and bought a 6-pack of Smirnoff Twisters (and drank them all ) to unwind before getting home. H said all he wanted to do was eat something since he hadn't at all during his drive home then pass out. I offered to heat up some leftovers for him, but he said he would do it and asked me to sit in the kitchen with him, so I did.

I was very disappointed about the drinking, but I managed to not let it show.

H had on a new shirt and asked what I thought about it. I told him it was nice. He said he bought it at the mall. I never would have thought in my life that I would begin to hate those words so much -- "the mall" and "Old Navy". I started thinking, "The mall?! Again?!....(Sigh)....I'm just going to hope he's referring to a mall in AZ." I let it roll... .

H just kept looking at me all night. I would smile at him and say "what?". He'd smile back and say nothing. One time he mumbled something when we were still in the kitchen. I asked him, "What was that?" H said, "Huh?" I told him I thought he said something, and he said, "......I did......I said G**damn it." (???)

H kept mumbling things under his breath here and there. I would ask him what was it, but he wouldn't answer me, so I let it be.

We watched TV for a bit before going to bed. H was very affectionate with me, and me with him, the moment he got here and all throughout the night. I was hoping for last night, but since I knew he had been drinking, I figured it wasn't going to happen, but H did hold me ALL night. If I moved to change positions, H pulled me back over to him .

H kept waking up all night saying he had a headache (hmm I wonder why ). He finally took some Excedrin Migraine.

He woke up again around 6am and initiated . After, H asked, "We're going to be ok, right, JV?" I told him yes.

He's still in bed right now. The boys have tried to get him up by jumping on him , but I told them Daddy is very tired so let's let him rest.

So....it's only been several hours since he's been here. I am bothered by his drinking last night, but I'm not going to dwell on it. I hope he wasn't drinking a lot in AZ, and I hope it doesn't get really out of hand here again.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Journaling:

Today went pretty well.

We had a convo this afternoon where H expressed his concerns about finding another job. H said he's just not sure what he wants to do. He wants to do something that he can be proud of, something that the boys will be proud of, but he said he doesn't know what that would be. H said, "It's not like I can go back to school or anything." I asked, "Why not?! Of course you could." H just shook his head and said he didn't know. H said, "(Sigh).....maybe I SHOULD just take a month off. I can get unemployment until I find something. I just don't want nothing coming in, you know?......I don't know......I just feel lethargic....and depressed.....Maybe I SHOULD go see a therapist."

I said, "Well....I think that can only be a good thing. In fact, I was thinking I'd like to go see one myself." H said, "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't feel that way.....I don't know. I'll think about it."

Things went smoothly the rest of the day for us. I called MIL and asked her if she could watch the baby for me while I took S9 and S5 to play mini-golf. I haven't gone in awhile, so I thought it would be fun. When I told H about MIL watching the baby, he asked, "Are all of us going?" I said, "Yeah!" H said alright and he just had to schedule a few service calls first. He also asked if I could drive him to Napa to pick up the Jaguar -- its A/C was being serviced.

H wanted to take a quick shower, so I went to drop off the baby with MIL and came back to pick up H and the boys. On our way towards the freeway while we were stopped at a stoplight, H said, "That's what we should be doing." I looked around to see what he was talking about and asked him, then I saw that the couple in front of us was kissing, and I said "Oh." I think I must have had a serious brain lapse or something because I uttered out loud, "I remember -- " then I stopped myself . I was thinking, "I remember those times," but stopped when I heard myself actually beginning to say it .

Anyway, when I caught myself thinking out loud, H leaned over the center console with a big smile then I leaned in with a kiss !

Then H asked me to finish what I was going to say. I kind of didn't want to, but he pushed for it, and I told him. H said, " We'll get'em back."

So we made it to Napa, and H asked me to wait for him so we could drive side by side on our way back to play mini-golf. He went in the shop to pay for the work done on the Jag and was in there talking for about 15 minutes while the boys and I waited in the truck. When H came out, he came to me and said he was sorry for taking that long. I told H no problem, and he gave me another kiss .

We all had a GREAT time playing mini-golf ! I hope we can have some more soon.

H is at the gym now and is going to pick up some movies for us.

Have a good night, everyone , and thank you for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

JV this was a really good journal entry. Lots of positives. I especially liked all the "kissy" bits Definitely good that H remained positive when you said "I remember...". Would he have done this normally?

Have a great day!

Cheers, Scottisheart