I see how the motherhood role is the lynchpin in your past difficulties with H. Maybe your other GAL work and advances will empower you greatly in H's eyes and let him feel a loss of control over your esteem and if so, allow him to relax his grip on the kids.
Sounds like he doesn't have a whole lot going for him other than that parent role, so I can see your presence as mother being threatening to him, especially since in his heart he may just believe that you can do a much better job.
IMHO, it would be so beneficial to your sitch if he got a job. It is very tricky business to be a stay-at-home dad, and even more so in a difficult sitch.
Today I went to the IVF clinic, which I hasten to add, always releases emotion in me.
I had to have a trans-vaginal scan with an internal camera to see my ovaries. This hurt because of that pelvic syndrome I suffer with, so I started getting tearful, thinking I am half a woman etc.
Then they had to take swabs and that bit was worse because they then stuck what felt like a freight truck up me to do this.
It was done by a woman doctor which I was highly embarrassed about; I would have preferred a man. I am used to taking my clothes off in front of a man, but it just feels icky in front of a woman, doctor or not.
She was like, 'relax please, Jo' - yeah right, how was I supposed to relax like that?? I tried to talk about work while she was there with her really big movable light - ugh.
After feeling as if I have been struck by a match where it hurts, they then packed me off to the counselling room with less than 2 seconds to recover.
Spoke to the counsellor - she wasn't very good. Then I came home and cried on and off all afternoon.
Still - who said atonement was easy?
My mood crashed completely.
On the positive side, got my publishing contract in the post today (haven't heard from the other 2 yet) and I had a stack of cheques come through in the mail, which is nice.
H brought DD4 back this evening and gave me my post. I gave him 2 newspaper articles on schools (there are some terrible things happening in schools in my county) and he tried to convince me to home ed, again, but I said nothing because I wasn't in the mood after the day I've had.
He said
'You look really washed out'. I said 'So would you be if you'd just had half a tonne of metal shoved up you.' He cringed and said 'It's time for the operation soon, isn't it?' I said not quite yet, first I have to inject myself every day for 12 days etc. He said 'You have to inject it yourself?'
He said I must be crazy. He's probably right. Then he said they should pay me.
Then he went. I called after him for DD1's email address but he didn't hear me. I wanted to show them my photos but they weren't there, so I figured I'd email them to her.
DD4 is in top form, she seems more grown up than last week.
I feel like giving up today, even though I was happy yesterday.
I am really sorry for your pain today. You have shown enormous strength so far and this too will pass. I wish you had had a few more days to enjoy your publishing successes before this hit. Enjoy your D4 today and hope you feel better soon.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
We cannot remotely begin to imagine the pain you are experiencing. I know it is impossible, but try and relax and wait for another day to deal with life and the book and everything else you are more than capable of handling.
How's my favorite Greek Goddess doing today? When I read your last post, I winced. Ouch!
You are so much braver than I. To do what you are doing takes great courage and selflessness. I hope that H can appreciate those qualities in you. Regardless, I also hope you can acknowledge that about yourself. Nicely done, Jo.
Are you distracting yourself nicely with the book stuff and DD4's return?
Thanks for your kind words. I took some homeopathy for the pain - the swelling is starting to go down now so I am feeling ok now, but still feel a bit down.
I think it's because I didn't have H there to hold my hand and normally he would have done, if ever a doctor did anything like that. I just came home feeling very alone.
I'm alright. I have loads of things to be happy about so I don't know why I'm so fragile, really.
I don't feel like a goddess when everything remotely feminine is twice the size it should be, and believe me, that really isn't great
I will be back to normal in another 24 hours or so and then my PMA will go back up.
At least with this problem, the actual donation will be done under general anasthetic when normally all women get is pethidine, so I am thankful in a way, I will be unconscious.
I have taken DD4 to mother and toddler group this morning and it was warm so we sat in the garden. She's a bit grumpy with me, and clingy. I think it's because she was with H for 8 days and normally she never goes that long. The longest she has been away from me is 4 days.
I held this baby while her mother went to the bathroom and DD4 just started crying because she hated seeing me with another baby.
I have been reading through the 1 publishing contract I have. Still haven't heard from the other companies. Got quite a few orders to fulfil as well.
A friend came over this afternoon. She is really excited about the book as she is one of the characters in it, so this will be her claim to fame! We were doing up my bathroom and I got some new shower curtains with fishs all over them, in bright colours, to cheer up the room a little.
Still feel down but I'm working on it. I might as well change my name to Bridget and then I can be a sad singleton like Bridget Jones.
Huh! So bigger down there isn't necessarily better for a woman? I guess that's just another difference in attitude b/t men and women! (j/k) I hope you feel better soon, Jo.
Your description of DD4's jealousy was cute. S5 showed much more jealousy of other children in my company post-S, pool little guy. He's a bit more assured now, but not as much as pre-S.
In fact, I want the dr's to just cut the damn gland out all together, which they can do, but H is like 'NO!' and my friends are telling me not to do it so I haven't yet.
Re the kids, DD4 was born after he left so she's never really known us together. She's very clingy towards me because it's usually just me and her. She hits her sisters if they try to touch me. I am 'hers' in her eyes.
(j/k) I hope you feel better soon, Jo.