Jo - Just curious - what do you anticipate H's response to your success will be? Not, of course, that you should in any way tone down your excitement to pacify him - but it strikes me that he's kind of in "failure" mode in his own life right now. (I've even wondered whether he doesn't hold so tightly to homeschooling the girls as a way to avoid really pursuing business success????) I guess I'm thinking that you want to ask yourself "will this get me closer to my goal" before you present this new info to him (whatever that goal is right now, whether it's reconciliation or just getting more custody of your kids). How you present it may be important.
I'm hoping, btw, that this book makes you filthy rich so you can hire phalanxes of attorneys to win you custody of your girls. I still think your exH is weird and abusive, the way he keeps the girls from you.
You are kicking a$$. Wow! I am completely impressed by how you have your life together. You have enough "get a life" for several of us to use. Maybe you should share.
I like the sentiment about how the one for you is Andy and that you are content to be alone if you can't have him. The attitude is probably essential if you want to DB most effectively. But now answer me honestly....if you got him back exactly as he is now would he really be good enough for you? Would you be able to keep your marriage viable if despite your best efforts he just doggedly believed he was always right? That you aren't a good enough parent or what you want doesn't matter? I know this is looking too far forward, but you are such a special woman with amazing talents and you deserve the best. This is probably idle speculation at this point, but don't we ask ourselves from time to time...."the spouse I want really hasn't changed much from when we were married. Am I sure that I can prevent the problems from happening again?" Or is that just me asking that of myself. I share your sentiment Jo. I feel that this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with....but I still ask myself those questions.
Anyway, enough of idle speculation, doom and gloom, and all that. Congratulations on your book Jo. We are all proud of you. I'm sure your H is too.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Jo, This is so exciting for you!!! I agree with KML in that I hope you make tons of money so you can fight for custody of your girls. Whether your H is controlling, wierd, or whatever, you deserve to be their mother.
Hopefully this is just the beginning of wonderful things in your life. Jill
He has offered me time with them (like 1 day a week). What I am scared of is if he then behaves like I described in previous posts and then my girls end up in the middle, and really upset like the last time.
I don't want to be in a position where everything I do is up for criticism by him because I know I would start getting depression if that happened again and my depression was SEVERE.
I have spoken to him about this and he says that was ages ago (it was about 15 months ago) and he has changed since then and what I do in my own house is up to me, but I am just scared that he's just saying that, that he might be acting.
I have to find some way of trusting him - but certainly over the last few months he hasn't seemed to want my involvement so his actions don't really match his words.
Yes, I think the home ed was in part so he doesn't have to work. I also think he took the kids because they are part of me and he doesn't really want to let go. He has told me loads of times how DD1 is like me.
On the plus side, he uses my maiden surname as part of their surname because ('you're the mother' - his words). His responses to me as a mother seem to be all over the place and very contradictory.
He never had any ambition in the marriage and had all these jobs he hated. He wanted to stop at home with the kids and did do while I went through university but we fought sometimes because of the role reversal; he didn't think it was a man's job, even though he didn't really want a job.
When he set up his shop, he got very competitive and lacking in support for my work (that's what led up to the bomb). After the bomb, he was almost as depressed as me, didn't go to work, hence the shop closed and he blamed me and our M for that.
He has never worked since - he took the kids from me when he left so he went on benefits and of course, that court stuff took up 2 years, and he has said he won't get a regular job because he is home eduating. He does fix people's computers here and there and ocassionally builds them to sell, but that is about it.
I don't have an objection to his lack of ambition, provided he is in a relationship with either me or someone else. I think as long as there is another partner to pay the bills, it's okay, but on his own, I object to it as he's having to rely on the State.
Because of my depression and the court action, my business was closed for 10 months and I survived off welfare and maternity payments. Then last June I opened it again and am making enough to break even but not much profit. I am now on a scheme where the government give you money for developing your business and of course, I make the odd big sale of my books.
I am not as successful as I was before the bomb, but I hope after this book gets published, I can get financially on top again.
Certainly, H is somtimes jealous of my ambition, although he compliments me on being clever all the time. I think he is torn. The grass is NOT greener on the other side and he isn't any happier after splitting up this family.
I know, though, that he wouldn't like it if he knew about the law course, and he doesn't really approve of the book. I am going to do it anyway and just not mention it much to him.
When I first mentioned the book to him, his main concern was that our SL would be 'all over the news' (his words, as I have been on TV frequently).
I told him that women always like 'mean, horrible bastards' (I used those words ) so he would have all the women in the UK throwing their knickers at him.
He shutup complaining then In fact, he laughed at me.
Quote: He has told me loads of times how DD1 is like me.
Hate to even bring this up, but - you don't have any concerns that he might be molesting DD1, do you? Just thinking it's a bad situation - D who reminds him of mom, he's alone a lot with the girls, probably not feeling really competent and secure in himself, super-controlling.
Andy as he is now was not the Andy of the marriage. Then he was very respectful of my mothering. He supported me in my pregnancies and he was great at the births and even cried when DD2 was born.
He let me make the majority of the childcare decisions, even when I was in uni. He was a great husband, very thoughtful and caring. Even after DD4 was born, when we were separated, he cleaned my entire house for me, did all the laundry, made me dinner etc.
(He even carried the bucket with the placenta in it, that's good penance for him! ) and he stayed with me all night on the night she was born, because I was too sick to look after her.
He has only got this 'I don't give a damn what you think' attitude since the bomb and more so since he 'won' custody. In my opinion I think he has depression, as well.
I would hope that if we reunited, he would respect me like he did in the M.
No concerns whatsover, he would never hurt them and has never laid a finger on them in his life.
DD1 loves him - they have been inseparable since she was born. He sometimes shouts at them but in the 9 years since I became a mother, that's all I've seen him do.
He has more patience than I do with them.
If I had any doubts on that score I would get CPS involved, but he is quite a good dad even if he isn't the greatest H, so I don't feel I have cause to worry.
I'm confused Jo. If he's said that you can have the girls one day a week, why don't you have them? Is this another one of his "control" issues, where if you don't toe the line, he stops the weekly visits? Just wondering.
What he has done in the past is criticise every little thing I do with them until I go near on crazy.
What ever I do with thm just isn't good enough and last time around he was giving them messages to pass on to me, I was crying in front of them, we were fighting over them the whole time.
I was upset, they were upset. He wanted to know everything I did in the house, all the time. If I did something he didn't like, immediate criticism.
I just couldn't handle it and was starting to get depressed again. I was fed up of DD4 always seeing me in tears, so I flipped and told him to get out of my life an stay out and if he thought I was that bad a mother, I wasn't going to bother.
He tells me that was nearly 2 years ago, that he has changed now, that he wouldn't do that - but even in the better times, he still wouldn't let me get involved with their home ed or have any say in anything. He was still criticising me, it was just less than usual because we were seeing each other.
If I were to take him up on his offer, how do I know that he wouldn't just do all that again and drive me nuts?
He says he won't. He says for me to trust him. He says we are not in court anymore and things are different now.
I am not convinced. I have seen subtle changes in his behaviour, but not enough to make me think the contact would be any easier.
So I see them when he comes round here, don't take part in anything much at all and hope that it all goes okay. I don't really expect anything much from my mother role.
If I can figure out how to believe that he's changed and he would encourage my relationship with them, well, that is the key to improving things for my family.
) so he would have all the women in the UK throwing their knickers at him.