I'd ask for the whole bloody olive tree, not just a branch!
Nothing to report. I haven't seen him since the last installment. I will see him on Wednesday but only so he can take dd camping for 8 days (says Jo, sobbing into her cornflakes that she is eating at 9.32 at night!).
My dd was pretending to shoot me today as well. She had this curly whirly straw that she turned sideways on to make it look like a gun, and then she kept pointing it at me and saying 'Shoot!' and then laughing when I pretended to be dead.
Everyone loves me lately
I have had some good dreams though which are helping to keep me calm and positive.
Well today I'm eating chocolate and it's because H has just collected my beautiful dd4 for their trip away.
He rang me this morning and asked to come over but he woke me up, I had slept in late.
I told him I wasn't dressed, wasn't ready, hadn't given dd4 her bath yet etc.
He said it doesn't matter, I will bath her. So I ran around, getting her dressed (I put her in this really cute navy and white 'sailor' dress) and getting myself ready.
As much as I love the idea of answering the door in my dressing gown, right now that wouldn't be a good idea. So I put on this red velvet tracksuit which is okay but not sexy.
He turned up late, almost at the time he was originally supposed to, so I could have bathed dd anyway! I asked him to do it when he arrives at his destination.
He brought back this bag of mine that he never returned from ages ago, and kind of threw it at my feet in a sort of 'pack her clothes' summons.
I laughed at him and said 'What did your last slave die of?' I reminded him about her other clothes at his house (he doesn't return her things after she stays with him which is annoying).
He made a remark about how I spend loads of money I don't have on designer labels for her.
I DO spend money I don't have and hope to get my payments reduced by Christmas, BUT I don't buy designer label unless I love it. It isn't about the label, it's whether I think it looks good. I have a pair of leggin's I love that cost me 20p from a car boot sale.
I told him I don't buy labels, and at any rate, I only have 1 child left so I am entitled to spoil her (dig, dig - I couldn't resist this remark).
He said nothing and we were still getting on okay despite this.
I gave this bunch of bananas to my other dd's and told them they are to eat on the journey.
H asked me what I was doing for dd4's birthday. I told him we are going to Ikea to get her some toy cooking things for this kitchen I'm getting her and we're going to have Swedish ice cream in the restaurant and play in the children's play park.
I asked him if he and dd's wanted to come along (he is her daddy). To my surprise he said YES.
On her actual birth day he was not with me - I laboured alone at home and had her on my living room rug, on her 1st birthday we were court ordered to stay away from each other, so my lawyer told me I could not invite him to her birthday, and last year he said he was 'too busy' - this is the first time EVER that he and my other girls will have shared her birthday with me.
I am pleased and terrified at the same time.
DD4 started telling H about this toddler group I take her to which is held in a church hall and he told me that she's always talking about it with him so she must love it. That made me feel great
Then she told him about her first day at nursery school and all the stuff she did. I was really enjoying listening to this conversation.
I bought her a kids camping set with a miniture tent and a kids chair and a sleeping bag and torch, so she was REALLY excited, showing it to him and saying how she's going to 'play dens' with her sisters.
I am really happy for them even if I will be alone all this time.
H said I can work hard while he is gone (he knows I'm a workaholic).
Then I waved them all off and he beeped at me as he drove away.
I feel a mixture of depression and hope. It's hard to say how I feel - hopefully the chocolate will increase my serotonin levels.
Ha! I love your take on chocolate and heard that too about serotonin. Like I need an excuse!
Have you read Who Moved My Cheese?? It has a part about going down cheeseless tunnels. In your sitch, H seems to thru out a complaint just to keep some convo going. And you step in to volley back, defending your action. Maybe just say, "I never thought of it that way." or "Hmmm. I'll have to think about that." And change the subject or walk away for abit.
The reason I think he's just trying ot keep the convo going is his compliments and acceptance of your invitation. By the way, I think you're the biggest hypocrite on this earth for telling me not to invite my W and going and inviting your H to ice cream within 1 day!! LOL I am so glad he accepted (my W's still not ready IMO).
You are such a great mother. DD4 is so blessed to be living with you and getting all of that special attentino. Her excitement to show her sisters was nice to hear.
Jo, don't work too hard. What fun can you work in for just you? Is there a girlfriend that can come over or go to lunch (or is it tea? ) with you? If you're like me, you get fed by work accomplishment, yet I hope you work in other stuff too, even if its a nice movie. The ice cream outing will go better (on your end) the better you self-love while DD4 is gone.
Wouldn't you be annoyed if your W didn't invite you to S5's birthday? Whereas your dinner thing was a date, wasn't it?? That's the difference.
If you want to invite her to do something with S5, I say that's okay.
I know I shouldn't bite at H - this child situation just annoys me so much and then when it feels like he's picking at me I find it hard to not make some sort of remark. I shall have to practice at being kinder.
It was easier when we were ML as it made me feel closer to him so it was easier to let the tense stuff go. Obviously a sexual R is not appropriate at this time, so I'm going to have to find another way of letting the negative stuff go.
Tomorrow I'm going to college, and on Tuesday also. I also intend to get my photos developed and do sme more family website.
On Monday I'm helping with that university research. Got to finish my book as well.
I might see if my friend is free over the weekend or on Friday, for a cup of tea or something. I was going to get my hair done but I bought that camping set for dd so that's out now, at least for a couple of weeks.
My other friend has a new American bf that she only sees when he flies in from the states and he's here now which means they are permanently in bed and I can't even get her on the phone Never mind.
Here's what I intend to do while my family are away:
1. Go to college to do my website design course, twice.
2. Develop pictures of my kids and work on my family website.
3. Finish my book and email publisher.
4. Finish my mailout.
5. Do my university research interview.
6. Go to IVF clinic for internal camera (ouch!) and counselling session.
7. Make some minor improvements to my bathroom.
8. Visit a friend to socialise.
9. Book up my day trips for the rest of the year and decide what I will do for xmas (always needs planning 6 months in advance as everything books up).
Today I booked a weekend to London in November, to go Christmas shopping, and I've booked a day trip to Skegness (beach resort) in July for me and dd4 - I want to use this time to plan the rest of the summer and xmas 05.
Jo, Good plan, I am proud of your ability to have a PMA and working on GAL.
When you get your book done, do you have another one planned? I am serious about a book about my sit., you had mentioned being a ghost writer for me. How would this work? I have no clue, I just want to help victims. I want to donate atleast 50% of my share of any profits to victims of rape and incest. When the book is written I will pull every string I can find to get on Oprah and Dr Phil, for how ever long it takes. My S12 will make a website to sell and promote the book.
I am looking forward to GAL and working with you on the book if you want to do it.
Gotcha, Jo. I see why you invited him. I was intending to do the same - dinner out, but with S5. She's not there yet in terms of doing things together for him. In fact, it seems MIL/FIL and IC have convinced her that this would be 'cruel' to him. What hogwash! Anything to justify self-centeredness. In many ways, your H seems much more evolved in terms of independent thought and action.
Your plans are excellent! I like your setting up fun travel plans and holiday plans so that they are possible and so that you can look forward to them.
Thanks for your input over on my thread. I have been quite taken with the wisdom that you generously give to all on this bb.
3 years, huh? I am in my 2 year mark (post bomb). Just in the past month my W has become quite comfortable touching me (no, not in the erogenous zones or in a romantic way), just "planned" accidental touching as when we are handling our D3 while I brush her teeth and W brushes her hair, things like that. Prior to this phase any accidental touching would have elicited a recoil response worthy of the most powerful cannon. Curiously, just a couple of weeks after this phase began she declared intent to D (fear, perhaps). But since declaring intent to D, she has continued to feel comfortable touching. I am going to encourage this and even promote it by getting physically closer when I can. I mention this to you in the following context.
Your decision to stop sexual R puzzles me. I feel that men connect through physical touch. Are you not afraid that if you deny him this he will be forced to go elsewhere? I know this seems like cake-eating to you, but would physical touch not soften him up. A friend of mine was in the identical situation to you and her H came back from a MLC after 3 years and the first things to return was the physical part. Then he segued into ILY's and then they started to talk and things are good for them now. You are much wiser and experienced at this than I am but I just thought a newcomer may raise the question again to you to induce further thinking. Perhaps letting him have the physical R but placing other boundaries may not be a bad idea. I know all about the cake-eating. In my W's case I have been maintaining a part of the relationship where she talks to me about her day-to-day stuff regularly and vents with me. I have always maintained a good "marriage map" of her (Gottman) and so I am keeping that going. My friends and others (not DB cognoscenti) have been telling me she is cake eating. I see that, but I think if I dont let her have that she will go elsewhere for emotional support. And I know that with a woman when that happens all is lost. The way I see it, by giving her the emotional R, I am trying to draw her back into a physical R and (well at least until a couple weeks ago) I thought it was working (i.e. the touching etc.).
I don't know anything Jo, just throwing some questions out. Perhaps you got tired of him not making a commitment despite you providing the physical R. But maybe you did not give it enough time. And it is terrible to use one's body parts to lure one's own spouse back (I am usin my ear ). But if the goal is reconciliation, is it not worthwhile. After all, you may enjoy it yourself (Beats listening to my W rave about so-and-so and how such-and-such is so screwed up etc.)? My friend whose H came back is now nine months into the phase where he is coming back into the emotional R. She has also changed a lot about herself in that period so that the old patterns (pre-D) will not be replayed.
It seems to be, following the Mars/Venus idea, that in our situations, what works for the goose does not work for the gander!! We all get so myopic about out situations, just kicking in a fresh perspective.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: I have always maintained a good "marriage map" of her (Gottman)
Gottman has some good relationship books. I read one Gottman book and saw how lacking both of are in R skills. Then again there were somany R skills listed. Maybe you don't have to be perfect at R skills to get along.
UD, if you go back and read Jo's posts from the beginning of this year, you will see she did maintain the sexual connection and Andy even said he loved her. His over control of the kids lives stopped the SL they had. It was a "I love you but I will do what / when I want" type of thing. When you give part of yourself, you need something back to go on with that giving. Anyway, read her older post by clicking on her name at the left,then go down to the bottom right of her profile and click on "post by" that will show posts Jo wrote. at the bottom of that page click the back or next page of posts. There are a lot, and they are a good read.
(says Jo, sobbing into her cornflakes that she is eating at 9.32 at night!).
). But if the goal is reconciliation, is it not worthwhile. After all, you may enjoy it yourself (Beats listening to my W rave about so-and-so and how such-and-such is so screwed up etc.)? My friend whose H came back is now nine months into the phase where he is coming back into the emotional R. She has also changed a lot about herself in that period so that the old patterns (pre-D) will not be replayed.