LostGal you asked about gum disease and a crappy imune system. I forgot to reply to the imune system suggestion.
Yes, her imune system is compromised. About 7 years ago she had a breast lump (pea size) removed, some lymph glands removed under her right arm, radiation treatment, and took an antiestrogens drug, tamoxifen for 5 years. Nongenomic actions of antiestrogens
Today, when she gets a paper cut on her surgery side, it gets infected and she has to take antibiotics.
The UTI's (UTI's used to happen once every 1 or 2 years. Last couple of months, there is was 50% chance of getting a UTI for each nookie encounter even doing some of the things suggested on some UTI sites) are costing us about $80 after the insurance pays their part and I/she thinks all of the antibiotics are bount to have some negative effect someday.
I don't want to see her in that situation but I have a difficult time with the R being a-sexual with her. Being a-sexual would work for her right now.
When I talk to BB and ask questions or offer potential solutions, she said I was pressuring her. I am thinking about visiting with a Dr. about this. Urologist, oncologist, or some other seciality.
CSW. I guess I will have to do some work at getting better at listing things on eBay. I was going to donate a pressure cooker but decided to see what they sold for on ebay. I discovered they sold for about twice what I had imagined. Now I just have to break through my mental hang ups (uneasiness, apprehension) about the unknown. Listing also takes time I don't have. I guess I just have to quit doing something else and get the job done.
More stuff to the donation store but buying a new book case???????
Quote: Yes, "If" you dont have to pay for health insurance and have good health. My sister and her H pay out something like $800 a month for health insurance. They live near New Jersey.
That's not bad. Try getting health insurance for yourself. Mine family coverage currently costs me $4377 per quarter, with fairly high deductables plus a copay on much of it. The long and short of it is most of the medical expenses wind up out of pocket on top of the insurance because of the deductables. With 6 kids, that adds up pretty quickly.
Lou, what about either selling the business whole on ebay or seling off the inventory on ebay? Talk to CSW about it for some pointers.
Quote: Lou, what about either selling the business whole on ebay or seling off the inventory on ebay? Talk to CSW about it for some pointers.
The real value of my business is the customer base and they only have value if someone locally buys the business. The inventory could be sold on eBay w/o a problem.
Quote: Mine family coverage currently costs me $4377 per quarter,
Anything Medical has increased so much more than anything else it is crazy. Your insurance payments would be 60% of my income.
Maybe I should double my prices like some of my competition charges. I could do less work and double my income. I just can't treat customers like that, shucks.
If I had a family your size, would be ahead going on welfare. You get better medical care when you are on medicade than having insurance. But I have worked too hard and too long to go on any aid program.
Thanks LostGal. I looked at that site last week, and many others in the past month. Last evening I changed a few search words and Googled, and this was one of the hits. Women's Health & UTI Information
Two days ago I was told I was being pushy, asking about ways to reduce UTI's so I have kind of been stand-offish / distant since. I almost decided to move to the spare bedroom. Not trying to be hurtful, but resigned to not making progress and to not feel so put off. Now BB is saying a little about the subject. Will I stay or will I move. frustrated
Quote: Two days ago I was told I was being pushy, asking about ways to reduce UTI's so I have kind of been stand-offish / distant since. I almost decided to move to the spare bedroom.
This feeling-- the feeling you get when you are trying to help and your W or someone brushes you off-- the feeling that you want to go away, to move out of the bedroom, out of the house-- locate that feeling. You don't have to name it or describe it or explain it or justify it. But go off by yourself somewhere and FEEL IT.
Feel yourself to be the nice guy who is only trying to help, only trying to show that he cares, but who gets shoved aside. Let yourself feel it. Find the feeling in your body... chest? Stomach? Make you queasy? Make your throat feel tight? Just immerse yourself in that place that you tell us about, that place that your W's behavior puts you in.
Is the feeling heavy, draggy/ leaden, gray?-- or sharp, stabbing, hot?-- or twisting, aching, yearning?
Whatever it is, this time don't find a task to do, or an email to answer, or a client to call, or a printer to fix. Just go off by yourself and feel bad, bad, bad, as bad as you can feel. Look that bad feeling in the face... the way you used to as a kid when you'd turn over a rock and watch all the squiggly squirmy things that live under there. Don't run from the feeling or try to change it. Just be still and let it wash over you.
And sit there until the feeling goes away, and it will go away, I promise you. It won't go away forever, but it will go away for now, and you will know.... well, I'll let you find out what you find out.
Quote: the feeling that you want to go away, to move out of the bedroom, out of the house-- locate that feeling. You don't have to name it or describe it or explain it or justify it. But go off by yourself somewhere and FEEL IT.
Feeling: Why hang around the candy store and do errands. I get lots of thank yous, but the owner rarely pays you with candy.
Quote: tell us about, that place that your W's behavior puts you in
a) I am not part of the team. We are two individual room mates when it comes to desire but married when it comes to living together. time, obligations, and responsabilities to each other. b) I read the hysterectomy forum and empathise with the posters there. Some don't want to be touched. If I were BB, how much sex would I want? c) I don't want to cause another UTI. I dont want to give her pain. So for now I stay away more than last month. Still touching and hugging some. It feels lonely. d) I feel cheated out of one of the best things in life that connects me with another person.
Quote: Is the feeling
Draining, frustrating, weary, lonely.
Quote: And sit there until the feeling goes away, and it will go away,
Moist eyes, deep breathing, pressure in upper chest for 15 minuets. I survived, just more tired after the feelings subside.
If life is a bowl of cherries, why are there so many pits in my bowl? (irony or slight humor intended)
History and journaling. 1968 to 1981 was mostly good for me. BB felt neglected for a while, (1975) and I didn't realise it.
When I had a back injury/surgery in 1981, BB got sexually frustrated and shut down that part of her make up. ML was a problem for me for about 6 months. We did it a little, but only gently. After sex I was in bad shape for a couple of days. I also had to sleep on the floor and BB felt I abandoned her at times.
I got my mo-jo back but BB didn't. She said she was hurt w/o sex and never wanted to re-awaken that abandoned feeling she had when sexually frustrated, for the 6 or so months pre and post surgery.
Now, I feel better, I work (Example, college 3.82 GPA) and keep busy. Lots of customer work gets done, but I don't do much for myself. Customers first, things second, BB second or third, me a way distant fourth.
After my second back injury in 1986, it took almost 3 years before I was able to work and no one would hire me. That is when I went to college. That's one reason why work was so high on my priority list. Also living on $1,000 a month, making house, insurance payments, and raising 2 kids (1987/1990) put a lot of stress on the M. It also reinforced my fiscally conserative nature.
I know I am where I am, for many reasons. Many I have posted at various places here on the BB. Like many others, I am looking for a way to a more satisfying and emotionally connected life. I am OK with who I am most of the time and I guess BB is OK with who she is, but the mix between us is off.
I can change me and accept who she is with out blaming her for what I feel. I can also decide to seek what I need in life. BB gets first chance. If little improves between us, I will gradually enlarge my interests and do GAL things by myself.
The sad thing about all of this is, I think BB is happier now than in a long time but I am once again becoming frustrated because when one things seems better, something new happens and I am almost back to the start line. It feels like I am pushing water up hill.
OG Lou The glass is still half full, but the water is almost always too muddy to drink.
Quote: Moist eyes, deep breathing, pressure in upper chest for 15 minuets. I survived, just more tired after the feelings subside.
Bravo, Lou! This is exactly what is supposed to happen. And there's also that bit of a grudging feeling afterward, sort of anti-climactic. Sort of a "well, yeah, I feel better, so what." If you do this several times a week for a while, you will feel a lightening of your spirit and a clarity about your situation. You will have a place to go to inside yourself where the ground is solid and the air is clear. Who knows how you will act and feel differently when you reach out from that place. Be gentle with yourself; Rome wasn't built in a day.
Quote: And there's also that bit of a grudging feeling afterward, sort of anti-climactic.
Anti-climactic? I don't know. It was not bad to do the mental exercise.
I do think like you wrote on one thread about a week ago "is this all there is", meaning is this all we can improve after being in a 36 year M, having the retirement fund I had expected, able to retire 5 years earlier than expected, and I have been replaced by a dogs, shopping then donating, and TV? I work on the wall seperating us but when I seem to have it's height reduced in one spot, the ground I stand on sinks.
Is this what happents to hard working guys? "is this all there is" I guess that is my next vertical drop.
frustrated
