Quote: or is she just going to keep on complaining and insulting you for the rest of your lives?
Complaining is her #1 mode since the honeymoon was over. She tried to discipline the kids with threats of grounding them till they were 21. She would go on and on occasionally but not back much up with loss of privileges etc.
Quote: When your W started putting you down by calling you a slob, you probably weren't expecting to have to address that issue right then or maybe even ever again
Exactly JJ. In fact "I" was trying to be extra friendly and said let's go to Arbys for dinner because I know she does not like to cook and she was home all day.
On the way out the door, she say the stuff in my work van was trash and started at the put downs again. I just got to the point where I was tired of giving reasons for what I did. I went into the "yes you are right" line of thinking and if you think this is bad, wait until I do more of what you accuse me of doing.
At that moment, if BB would have complained that I wanted sex 3 times a day (which she does sometimes but it happens 1x amonth) I would have said "we are starting the 3 x a day schedule just as soon as we get home and since it is already 6PM I guess that means we have to do it 3 times from 7PM to 10PM.(her bed time)
Sorry I sound like I can't control my mouth. I never said the above, but I have thought it many times. I guess one element of the problem is BB's definition of what she sees as our history compared to what I remember.
Examples of her history include forgetting the wallet often, when I initiate or did not iniate sex, how I was the LDH and she was the HDW, how she beg me come to bed sometimes.
I say I forgot my wallet a couple of times, when I initated sex she was tired, how her accusitory actions of me not likeing her because her boobs were not big enough, how she was horney at 8PM then a "too tired" at bed time, when I did get to bed I was rejected, (BB, If I have to ask for sex, I don't want to have sex / "if I have to talk about I dont want it, you should know without me asking" thing women seem to talk about). Welcome to being married I guess.
Other mistakes Also include the "don't buy me anything for Valentines day" Yea right, I would rather get kicked in the nads. (MTV's Beavis and Buthead)
Good vibes in the Lou household yesterday. Some real kisses returned. Some hand holding exchanged instead of me doing most of the kissing and hand holding. And some snuggling in bed.
The two UTI books have not arrived (slow shipping?) so the sex issue is on hold.
Does anyone have experience with female condoms (FC)? Part of BB's complaint about sex ( in addition to getting UTI's and has no interest, no hormones) is BB thinks she stinks after regular sex, does not like regular condoms smell or feel and complains she is not just not interested in anything sexual.
I would be interested in some low drive womens (or HDW that can shed some light what some LDW might feel) opinions along the lines of the "ick" factor of having sex in general, seminal fluid and the wet spot and wet body parts. I know LD mostly comes from not feeling values but I also LD stems from no interest in sex even if you feel you are valued.
So with that lead in, How might using a female condom make you feel less invaded or lessen the messy or ick factor? Might it be similar to a woman that dislikes geving BJ in the flesh but "might" give a BJ if the man wore a regular condom?
I suggested FC once but have not said much about them and have not brought up the topic as I am waiting for the two urinary tract books to arrive.
I am looking to the books for medical advice but asking her on the bb for personal likes or dislikes. I can imagine FC's are not used that often so might expect very few experienced replys so I am asking for "What if you used FC's" how would you feel.
I know this is an individual thing and each person is different. I just fishing for ideas and maybe some suggestions to make small in roads on the almost no sex and frequent UTI situation I am in now.
Some of the articles I have read about male condoms actually say women might get more UTI with some brands of male condoms (spermacide lube).
Articles about FC say they needed to be used several times to get the hang of inserting them. You should not use FC and a male condom together (plastick squeek noise developes?). Others negatives with FC but they do not apply to me.
The good side is there is no penis constriction, don't slip out of place when the male goes soft, they are thinner so transfer heat (and feeling) faster, are made from a poly??????? material so any kind of lube can be used ( come lubricated and have an extra lube packet) and the main reason why I am interested:
"they cover part of the opening to the uniary tract and reduce friction on the opening, one source of potential irritation from thrusting"
(Male condoms rub on the opening like a penis and can cause irritation from the friction of thrusting, the irritation can get inflamed/infected)
Thanks, Lou
PS I need the lovin and emotional connection = Lou What some guys wont do to get their noodle wet = BB
PPS UTI's pains, medications, imunity to antibiotics, $80 to treat, if they happen often enough then no sex. FC $3, not perfect but maybe the action continues.
Lou, What has she done, so far, to reduce the UTI's?
I can't remember what you said about the pee-sex-pee routine; does she do this? This helps me a lot, though I still get them occasionally. Does she drink cranberry juice and, if not, PLENTY of water?
I don't know what to say about the FC's. I am an HD woman so the smells and fluids of sex don't bother me and I actually like them. All I can say about the smell is to shower the next morning and go on with life. It doesn't last forever, right!
BB drinks lots of water and just started the cranberry juice about a week age. She does the pee-sex-go to sleep-wake up-pee or pee-sex-pee rarely if she can. I read several places where you should also (both parties) FM-rinse, M wash/rinse before sex. I would but BB says it/washing dries her out.
BB is kind of set in her ways and somewhat picky like JJ's H I imagine. ( I would like them to be on "Wife Swap" they wouls get along great in the sex dept but with both being picky sometimes, I wonder how that woud go?)
We talked about the fishy / tidal pool smell (or lack of smell from MPOV) but my opinino had little value. I said I think my butt stink sometimes when I sit to pee but standing up, I don't detect any butt smell. I speculated everyone smelled a little if the spread their legs and fanned their crotch a little but you aren't that exposed just walking around normally.
BB does shower often (10AM) and I never smell anything unless I stick my nose in her crotch. BB can't smell the 3 cat boxes, the cat urine on the old carpets (removed) when she had 6 cats but she detects the strangest things sometimes, some from her imagination.
Something stinky happened at work one time and she smelled it at home the next day or two. Sometimes when we come home she smells strange things but says she cant smell her food very well.
We live about 5 miles from a refinery and they remove the sulphur from the crude oil, among many other things, but most of the time the outside air smells OK. One of my customer's live 50 miles from town because she is extremely sensative to sulpherdioxide/SO2. Most people don't notice the SO2.
The fishy smell, real or imagined, is part of her lack of interest in sex, no hormones, no desire problems. Also, She was sucked in to the marketing campaigms back in the 1960 douche companies like Summer's Eve were pushing. I think she still buys in to what I see was the companies hidden message was back then, that vaginas smell and everyone could tell you had sex, from the smell you supposedly emitted.
The UTI articles all say douching and washing with soap internally kill the good bacteria and leaves the bad bacteria a place to grow faster. There is also the PH factor that is disturbed if you douch. Rinseing with with water on the outside is usually the best.
Quote: It doesn't last forever, right!
HP. No ths smell does not last for ever but the feeling of going w/o feels like forever IYKWIM!
I'm with you. A little fishy smell is good. It reminds me how connected I felt when we did ML.
I am asking about feelings associated with female condoms so I can have some knowledge before suggesting them again. I don't want to take a taxi ride all over town just to go to the movie theater 6 blocks away.
W and I are in our 60's. She gets UTI's about 35% of the time we have IC. Both of us are clean and I try not to bump the back door when entering her V. When she goes to the Dr. she never gets cultured to determine whish of the common 5 bacteria she actually has. I got tasted and the results were negative.
I think the infection has a mechanical cause, because of low lubrication levels. We do use KY and I have noticed if things were drying out a little during IC, it seems there is an increased frequency in her UTI's. Anyone have any opinions on KY or a better lube? In my ming more lube is a common solution but W thinks it is too messy. (It's always something when a person is picky)
Does anyone have experience with female condoms? Do they lessen the frequency of UTI's
I did a lot of on-line research and found estrogen creams and a vaginal? ring that has a low dose estrogen release. W had an estrogen dependent breast cancer so she can't have anymore hormones of any kind.
I gave my W the summary of my on-line results. She no longer uses soap to wash the genital depths, drinks 8oz. cranberry juice every day, take a cranberrt pills too.
I read where the UTI anti-biotics can kill off the good bacteria so you become more prone to another UTI with in 28 days if you have IC before 4 weeks of an infection. We have not had IC in a while because of the 28 day warning.
In addition to the UTI's, she has no sex drive but likes lots of attention which if I give her the attention, has me sexually ready to explode. We have have also been dealing with her shopping adiction and I work too much for her.
I have been reading relationship books for a year and have been to a counselor a couple of times. My W does not read and went to a counselor with me one time mostly to complain. W said I have gotten better but her interest in sex is almost non existant.
I posted the relationship and medical problems to give you an idea what the overall picture looks like.
BTW, I think older women are sexy too no matter if they sag a little here and there. I sag too. I think attitude is more important than having a good looking body (what ever that is)
Lou, Are you saying she does not pee after sex, or does not always do it?
I can tell you that I'd get them nearly every time if I did not pee after sex. It is time for BB to wake up to the harsh reality that her body is not perfect and she may have to work around these imperfections.
It sucks to have to jump up right after sex to go to the bathroom but it is better than getting an infection. I drink tons of water every day so going before and afterwards is never a problem. Perhaps you can insitute a schedule and she can make sure she drinks a full glass of water right before bed.
The UTI excuse just became a little silly to me, since there is a way to work around it and it does not involve anything other than going to the john.
HP BB does "not always" pee after sex. She says if she goes before sex there is nothing there to let out 20/30 minuets later. If she can pee, she does sometimes? I asked but did not get a concrete answer.
BB drinks coffee, water, juice, and more water all day and every time she gets up at night.
Quote: The UTI excuse just became a little silly to me
BB is convinced the female body loses the ability to safely and effectively have sex a little bit every year after menopause starts or when HRT stops. Kind of like a gradual winding down to zero healthy sex after so many years. It's not that you can't have sex, but if you do there is going to be some consequence, UTI's, irritations from friction, more pain, triggering hot flashes, etc.
Everything I read indicates sex will not be the same but women who continue having sex with their monogamous partner most women seem to have fewer physical problems, Provided they like the guy they are with. BB thinks the litature is all a bunch of crap written by men who just want more sex. I know it is tough for her when the mood/desire is not there.
It's not that I don't have empathy for BB. It is awfull reading some of the post over on Hystasisters support group
HP. Does IC cause a friction type irritation to your urithera opening? I asked BB, her common answer is "I don't know." I think it's like "honeymoon cystitus" if you have IC more. From what I read, if friction causes an irritation to the urithera opening, the irritated tissue is a good host for bacteria to grow fast, and then the UTI sets in.
Just trying to get educated so I don't make so many mistakes.
Lou, I have no idea if the female body becomes less capable of tolerating sex as the years go by. Perhaps.
It really doesn't matter.
She has a condition that is easily remedied.
I thought she was doing everything she could and still getting them. She's not. She's most likely getting them on the nights when she doesn't pee afterwards.
For me, it doesn't seem to matter how much comes out, just that something does. A tiny trickle (sorry for the gross out info, folks, but Lou's flailing around here looking for answers) is enough to wash away whatever bacteria are hiding.
Your wife is acting in a really lazy fashion. I cannot believe she would think that cutting out sex is an acceptable alternative to getting her a$$ up and going to the bathroom afterwards.
As far as irritation goes, well, I've never noticed anything in that area. If I'm irritated at all (which I truly don't mind and sorta look at it as war wounds that I'm quite proud of, sicko that I am) it would be in the vaginal area.
I was never sensitive like this until after I had D3. She weighed over 9 pounds and just freakin wrecked me. I know lots of women have large babies and sail through it but she really did a number on me! Her birth was ok, nothing noteworthy, but my body has not been the same since. I am slim through the hips and maybe I was just not meant to have a hoss like her blasting out of me. Who knows. At any rate, it was after her birth that I started having problems with UTI's--had never had one before--and began the pee-sex-pee routine.
Here is a suggestion for you: If she does not like getting up to go to the bathroom afterwards, what about morning sex on the weekends? That way, she can go to the bathroom, shower, and hopefully be ok.
I suppose what I'm saying is that her UTI excuse is really ridiculous in light of the fact that she won't do the (simple) things that are necessary for her good health. She is using this as a way to opt out of sex. I would suggest that you draw a boundary about this, but I suck at the actual wordage, so maybe MrsNOP could help with this aspect. She's a genius in that dept.
Quote: I have no idea if the female body becomes less capable of tolerating sex as the years go by.
I believe less tolerable but capable of sex with certain conditions/percautions or added devices like lubes are introduced.
Quote: what about morning sex on the weekends
My idea too because people start to drink and pee more. I tried but BB gets antsy and has a lot of things she has to get done before some time deadline or it gets too warm.
Quote: She is using this as a way to opt out of sex.
That is what I gather from statements BB is talking about/thinking/doing. Some are real, some are fears, some are excuses.
She does have some ligitimate concerns and I hope to address those issues when the two semi-medical UTI books arrive. I am waiting and only applying gentle pressure until I can back-up some of my ideas with information from the books and medical web site information, IE University of Maryland Hospital and Mayo Clinic type sources.
Quote: but Lou's flailing around here looking for answers
HP, Not actually flailing in a bad way. It's more like looking for answers, keep chiping away at the problem, reading several places for information, reading about or asking other women what their experiences are, and waiting for the 2 books to arrive so BB can read them. Frustrated? Yes. 2X since 4/22/05 ain't enough even if BB wishes I was over the hill.
If I don't read the books and come up with a potential solution that do not work, that will most likely convince BB more that she and I should give up sex for medical reasons. Giving up sex for medical reasons does have merrit if totally true, but I suspect her emotional issues are more of a factor now than the medical ones.
I thought about the abrasion caused infection verses thrusting aspect pushing bacteria up the urethera. If infections were made worse by abrasions to the urethera, peeing would not help much. If infections were made worse by pushing small quanaties of bacteris up the urethers, even small quanaties of pee would flesh most of or all of the bacteria out. So most UTI should not be abrasion based.
Quote: She has a condition that is easily remedied.
25 years ago around 10 PM we enguaged in foreplay, kissed, had sex, kissed some more, cuddled, and then rolled over to go to sleep. No going to the bathroom to pee just to flush out the urethera. The bathroom trip happened in the middle of the night. Now we are older and can't be so carefree.
My next step: Wait for the books, read them, look for feeling type comments about female condoms on the internet and here, and have BB read the books. My time line for this is going to be 1 to 2 weeks.
Quote: sorry for the gross out info:
HP, I don't know about others here, I don't think anyone could gross ME out by any medical or semi medical descriptions. I watched several ortopedic surgeries on Discovery Health Channel.
The worst was the removal of the upper and lower jaw/teeth bones to cure a very severe over bite. Hanmmers, saws, drills, wire, screws, cutting blades, all kind of tubes down her nose after almost breaking her nose as part of the facial reconstruction. The girl looked just wonderful 3 months later.
I worked in that deliquent boys group home and heard stories (real or imagined) about throwing cats out car windows while driving down the interstate, picking up small farm animals and slamming them on the concrete floor. I was instructed to not say anything, make no facial expressions, and act like everything was normal.
The only thing I was to do, was to make a note in the house log such as: "Johny "SAID" he paralyzed/killed a pig by slaming it down on the concrete floor."
The only saving grace to this story is, the boys got "respect" within the group home by implying they were "bad actors" so some of the stories were not true.
