To all, I took some of your advice and started a new post with a more positive title (my previous can be found under "at the end"). Also decided that a username change was in order.
Yesterday, I made some decisions and took your advice and went home and talked with W. I decided that my negativity is hurting me and everyone around me and not helping my M at all. My defeatist attitude as you pointed out is going to stop.
So, I went home. Told W that I did not want D or seperation. If she wanted D, she would have to ask me for it. Told her I still love her and that I still want her. Told her that her not wanting intimacy with me is hurting me, but nothing more.
She was definitely taken back. Said it was a 180 from Tuesday at the C when we were talking D and seperation. I said that the reason is that I honestly love her and am still in love with her. She said she knows I love her, didn't say I love you back, but gave me a hug and smiled! I thought that was positive.
We got ready and went to an art show that we had talked about going to. She had assumed that I wasn't interested given happenings earlier in the week, but I said we should go. She looked beautiful when we left and I complimented her on that. We had a good time at the show, had a couple of drinks and then I had to go to a work function. She went home but waited up for me.
When we went to bed, I bid her goodnight and told her I was still in love with her. She said she knew, but was worried that I would just get frustrated again with our slow progress. I told her to say no more.
This morning, we got ready. When I left, I kissed her squarely on the lips and said I love you. She smiled and chuckled a bit.
Do I run a risk of being going overboard with this kind of behavior? I sure do feel better about myself this way!! The feeling of anxiety is gone. I feel more hopeful. I think I can do this until she falls for me again, or I don't feel hurt anymore.
Did I do a good job?
I am going away this weekend with my Mom and sis for a little jaunt. I am going to reread DB and SSM and leave her a copy of SSM.
Sounds great! I would, however, watch for the urge to get too hasty. No matter how it looks to you at times, this will take a while. She might be quick to expect you to react the way you have before. My wife does this. She is so used to me reacting one way, that it is hard for her to let go of that and look at me in the now. Again, you should start looking at things in the present, and not toward the future. There is a place in the UL book that talks about becoming non reactive to the point that you really don't have an oppinion on the outcome of a situation. This allows you to be happy when good things happen, but not be disappointed when other stuff happens. This also helps to keep you from reacting negatively about the outcome of a situation and causing further problems by causing the " I'm pissed off" chain reaction.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
You're a fast learner, DFI....you did great! Good timing too...getting things on track before you go away. The break will be good for you both...as you have said, you do not want to smother her or go overboard, and it will give her a chance to miss you. Also...this is more for when you come back...brace yourself for a rollercoaster ride...you will be tested again and again, and it will be difficult to keep the non-defeatist attitude in the face of her negativity.
Two suggestions...be pro-active and arrange for therapy ( whether by phone or in person) with a MARRIAGE counselor. Also, pick up the book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch.
Personally, I think you did great!!! Now keep this up. You've taken her off guard....so don't be terribly surprised if she doesn't warm up to you quickly ok? Remember you two were taking D just a couple of days ago...and she's already let you know she's worried you will revert back. Keep that in mind when you begin to get frustrated if she's not warming up.....just stay consistent, it WILLLLL pay off!!!
Coach wrote: ----------------- Do I run a risk of being going overboard with this kind of behavior? I sure do feel better about myself this way!! The feeling of anxiety is gone. I feel more hopeful. I think I can do this until she falls for me again, or I don't feel hurt anymore.
Did I do a good job? -----------------
Yup, you did good!
What is to be overboard about? Did you come across as needy or desperate, or where you a man with a plan?
Sounds like the latter to me.
It is a lot easier for your spouse to respond to confidence, especially in areas where that has been lacking, and is sorely needed. Good common sense.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks everyone! I know that I am going to encounter down days. What I now know I cannot do is let this become pervasive in my actions and behavior. I read through some of the csw post, but need to spend time and read some more.
Thanks HP and everyone!! The encouragement is very uplifting!
One question to all- I bought a copy of SSM for W. I wrote notes all over mine, so I wanted her to have a fresh one and I need mine to reread. How do I offer it to her? I don't want to push her on this. If I just leave it around, she may not know that I'd like her to read it. On the other hand, I don't want to say "please read this" or "I'd like you to read this" since that would be pushy in my opinion. I want to be careful in the way I offer it.
Try just asking her nicely to read it. You can safely tell her that your relationship is described therein.
"Hi babe. Would you please consider reading this book. The lady that wrote it sounds like she knows us personally, and wrote it just for us."
Have fun!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
