The way I see it is this...it doesn't bother me if he's more inclined to show physical affection to a slimmer me, the slimmer version of me is who he was initally attracted to as far as what he found visually stimulating. What I have inside, is what he fell in love with and I am secure in that knowledge.
However, what I feel is more likely with him (knowing him the way I do) is that he is responding to me working as hard at something as he feels he is at us. He really feels like he's having to work hard for "us", and he really is having to do quite a bit of work (changing his way of thinking, dealing with a woman who is nothing like the women from his past, overcoming conditioning from past r's etc). To him it probably appears I'm asking him to do ALL of the work, this diet my Dr. put me on (1200 calories per day) he knows is work for me....so I believe he's responding to the work he now sees me actually doing...not so much the weight loss, but the fact that he knows I'm working very hard at something that has been a life-long difficulty for me.
I believe he's responding to the work he now sees me actually doing...not so much the weight loss, but the fact that he knows I'm working very hard at something that has been a life-long difficulty for me.......Make sense? Greeneyedlass. You did not ask me but here is my opinion. I respond more to someones effort and attitude than the results. So I think you are right. Considerate/thoughtful people respond to the work one does. They know results vary.
I'm so happy to hear about your H progress in creating a romantic and intimate bath for you two to share. I'm sure that made you feel like all the effort you have been putting into your R for a long time now is worth it.
I am also saddened to hear your H response to your career advancement. Did he actually say "WTF" when you told him? That is just rude.
I had a similar lackluster response from my W 10 years ago when I landed my current job. It moved me up from working for small companies to a major global corp. The pay was much better than what I was used to as well. And the opportunities for advancement within the corp. seemed greater by far. I felt like I finally arrived at my career that would take me all the way to retirement. W response was "oh, that's nice, now let's get on with”… yada, yada, yada. I tried to plan a celebratory dinner, steaks on the grill etc. She could not fit it into her schedule. And she was not that busy at the time.
So let me ask you, GEL, does your H seem threatened by your advancement? Like does he fear that you will outpace him in the workplace? Does he fear that your additional income will diminish his control of your joint finances? Will the new position require you to travel overnight?
On the positive spin, will the career advancement eliminate the need to work those 2nd shift hours? Maybe H could get excited about that, if it is in fact the case.
Any idea why he finds it easier to talk you up everywhere except to your face?
Closing on a positive note, both the romantic interlude with H in the bathtub and feeling so good about H’s comment about your son are great progress. So is his recognizing your dieting efforts in the T office. If you can’t figure out why his response to your career move was so flat, let it go. Instead focus on his romantic progress and the progress you are making with your diet. Keep in mind that just like people in R have slipups, dieters do too. If you have a slipup, get right back on the diet train. You can turn that 2 lb. slipup into a 4 lb. weight loss in no time and amaze yourself with self fulfillment.
First, no he didn't say WTF, I was thinking that when I received his lackluster response to my promotion.
2nd, He makes far more money than I do....it would take quite a bit for me to be able to swing the income pendulum toward me.
3rd...his shift changes aren't an income choice. It's simply part of what he does...everyone has to do it where he works. Everyone has to go 4-weeks days, 4-weeks afternoon (or what I call nights) where he works...it's not that he's working extra shifts, or getting paid extra for working that shift when he has to. However, what you said could apply if my promotion would mean a great deal of money that would swing the pendulum in my direction....his xw made a 6-figure salary, hid her money from him, and expected him to pay all the bills on top of that with his salary....so it's always possible some of those feelings creep in and affect his responses to me.
As far as me having to travel overnight, yes occasionally(a couple times a year at the most) I will have to travel, but I have told him at those times...to make caring for our S easier...I'll be happy to contact one of our moms to come help us out; either would be happy to do so....and he gets along great with both ladies. I've also told him of specific places that I will probably be sent....Orlando, FL, Wales UK, & Singapore....so that if he wanted to he could accompany me and take a bit of a vacation (that perked him up a bit.)
As far as his lackluster response...I found out today that it wasn't that he wasn't happy for me, it was more that he didn't trust that what I had been told would actually happen. He doesn't trust "management" at all. He knows I've been told time and time again that things would change, but nothing ever happens....so this time, no matter what I said he assumed it was the same thing again.
FYI...since I posted my previous response he has called me to tell me how proud he is of me. He's trying to figure out exactly why he withholds praise about certain things from me....right now he's not sure. For now I'm going to have to accept that answer, but he did tell me it bothers him that he did that....which to be honest, just that simple disclosure makes me feel better.
Good job! In more than one way. Congrats on the career success and congrats on successfully expressing your feelings to H. Imagine if you had just let it lie instead. It would have festered and made you miserable and both you and H would have had to deal with fallout. Sucks to grow up and take responsibilty for our reactions to things doesn't it? So often we interpret a reaction from our S and it is nowhere close to what they mean. Anyway, good job.
Congrats on the weight loss too. Personally, I also believe it is the effort more so than the appearance. The appearance is a perk of the effort. My H is huge on acts of service - when he sees me bust my @ss he just gets tingly all over. When I'm exhausted and flop on the couch from stuff he can't see (like things at work) that lack of energy seems to actually transfer to him. I can't explain it. It just is.
It really was kind of funny in the C's office...when I told her and my H that I had edited my question to him ("aren't you excited for me?") several times before I actually let that one out. My H looked kind of surprised at me....so I told him "you have no idea how many times I edit something in my head before I actually say something to you. I think the question out in my head and try to guage how it might actually come across to you....I didn't want you to feel attacked by saying something like....I'm finally getting what I've worked so hard for at work and you could care less, what's up with that?!" I explained there were at least 4-different versions of what I wanted to say to him that ran through my head before I let loose "aren't you excited for me?"...and a few of them contained explatives LOL. I did this because I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't intend for his response to be so disappointing.
I guess he thinks (and it would be easy to think this) that I just say whatever is on my mind...I rarely ever do that. I'm a very deliberate person when I speak, I've usually thought out exactly what I want to say...edited it in my head to make sure I'm clear...and then speak. So, sometimes that means I don't speak up for a little while, although I am getting much better about not holding onto things until I can't stand it or they fester. However, when it comes to my sense of humor that's usually very quick and comes out off the top of my head....so it would be easy for him to think that I do the same thing with other topics too.
I have to admit though the look on his face when I told him some of the other things that ran through my head before I said what I finally did to him....was hilarious!
Yeah, everyone who knows me has this erroneous belief that I am so "nice". If only they were privvy to the darker thoughts that go on in there. I mean both the darker thoughts like "F you and the horse you rode in on H" and the "darker" sexual thoughts too - like "Yes, H I would love an occasional wham-bam in the bathroom when the house is full of people for a party." I sometimes think that because I am kind of a small person (5'5", 116") I am paired with adjectives like dainty, sweet etc.... GEL - go ahead and let your wild woman out once in awhile. Say "WTF H?" Just the other weekend my H was doing busy work at his computer on Saturday night and I said - "You are doing that tired, mindless busy thing. You need to stop." He SMILED. How about that?
Lass, I'm so happy for you. Speaking up and stating what you want from your partner is so VERY hard, isn't it?
And go you on the weight loss! That's great and you sound so healthy in body and spirit.
I think I should take some editing tips from you. As you know, I tend to say the first thing that pops into my head and sometimes it's the best way to phrase it, other times not so much.
