Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Need advise on staying dark

Actually I toned that line down from 'why weren't you here last weekend'

And I want to watch how I word it since he was supposed to bring my truck and the rest of my belongings out here a month ago and hasn't made any plans to do that yet. I don't want it to sound like that is why he needs to come here, it would just shut another door.

So, I'm thinking of just saying it as: 'son' missed seeing you over the long weekend, but we hope to see you soon. (it was supposed to be his visitation)

T

this is what i finally ended the email with.

's' has been asking about you lately, so I was wondering when you might be able to come up for a visit. We are hoping to see you soon!

I'll let you know what the reaction from ex is!

Today was supposed to be a really good day! Woke up with a great PMA to start with and ready to get on w/life.

First thing that set me back was his reply:
.... morning just a note to say hi and to say i put 700 in your bank could you check that you got it and let me know say hi to 's' for me talk soon 'ex' ...

still haven't replied to that, since I am at a loss of what to say. (why is he still putting the c/s in my acct instead of sending me a check like agreed?) there was no answer on the visit either.

second thing was a very bad experience w/an atty today. I am still sobbing over that one, and will explain more later. (I just really despise lawyers anymore!)

I am off to spend the afternoon w/8 kids at the park. Sounds like more fun than what my day has been so far.

T

Hope you had fun at the park.

I wouldn't make anything out of your ex's reply. Maybe by saying "could you make sure you got it" he wants an excuse for contact. Or maybe he just hates writing checks. In either regard if you got it then call him and tell him so (or e-mail him) and maybe ask at that point why no check as agreed.

Sorry for bad day with a lawyer. They probably aren't all bad, but I'm biased against them too.

Hope you had fun at the park.

I wouldn't make anything out of your ex's reply. Maybe by saying "could you make sure you got it" he wants an excuse for contact. Or maybe he just hates writing checks. In either regard if you got it then call him and tell him so (or e-mail him) and maybe ask at that point why no check as agreed. He really did blow off the "hope to see you" part of your e-mail. Hmmmm Just forget about it and see if anything comes of it later.

Sorry for bad day with a lawyer. They probably aren't all bad, but I'm biased against them too.

The park was fun, but not w/o confusion! When we got there, 3 other schools had decided to come, so we ended up going to a different park but the kids had more fun. And it turned cloudy, but at least no rain.

I am holding off on my reply since he still doesn't know that my computer is working yet. After I 'miss' his calls this weekend with my 'busy plans', I will just send him a quick note saying - hey sorry we didn't get your call, and yes got the money. and just leave it at that.

Part of this legal issue is related to ex as I took responsibility for a joint credit card in the div agreement. I didn't have to, but decided it was just easier on the kids not to be arguing over money any more. But the cc company will not take it off of his credit report until it is paid in full and the atty I talked to was for filing a chapter 7 and he made me feel like an idiot. Every question I asked made his fee for the bankruptcy go up another $100! So I didn't ask anymore!

It is just so frustrating, since the div the kids and I are struggling to survive and w/debts on there I was ready to just give it up and get out from under it all. I was hoping that it would also be a nice gesture from me to the ex to get it off his credit, but it looks like that could get posted to his history if I file now even though we r div. And if ex wouldn't have made such a big legal matter out of everything, I could have had it paid off by now.

I vow to have a fun weekend though. I am going to enjoy the next two days w/sons and then sit down and figure out what alternatives I have on these debts.

(I did already make a complaint about this attorney!)

Thought I would post a quick update on how my weekend is going.

I left my ans. machine off all day yesterday, and the ex called 3 times! Don't know/don't care what he is thinking, but if he asks, I will just blow it off by saying I unplugged my phone for the weekend so as not to be bothered by creditors. (they do call about 3-6x a day and I need to tell them to quit)

I haven't replied to his last email about the c/s, but I'm not sure what to say at this point. My mom called this morning and since she lives a mile from him, she feels she has to fill me in w/details that she sees. He isn't home this morning and may have been gone all night! I told her that I really don't care about this, but she probably sees through my declaration.

Plans for the day:
1. Clean house (kitty litter is getting a bit overpowering and I keep picking up cat hair all over the place)
2. Bake cookies for our last day of school party.
3. Spend time on budget plan and look into debt consolidations.
4. Enjoy the kids (if it would stop raining today, we might go to the park again, we got there yesterday and after 10 minutes it poured)

I plan on leaving the phone unhooked again today until about 6 or 7 tonight, then he can talk to my ans. machine if he really, really wants to.

T

Hi T,

Wow! You're pretty strong about this dark stuff. No answering his calls at all?! I can't even avoid answering most. Maybe he just called because you didn't answer the e-mail. I would have.

So how did you do on your goals? Have fun with the kids?

So what is your plan with all this? Just going to stay away from X entirely? Go dark for quite a while? Basically when are you going to answer the phone calls and e-mails? I'd just like to get a sense if you have been doing things that appear to be working and then doing more of that.

I'm probably the worlds worst to advise you on anything. I certainly would be the first one saying don't go dark...or completely dark, but maybe it's right for you.

Have a good Monday.

Morning, Wes and every1!

I was just getting ready to post an update here when I seen you had wrote. Now this will probably be an extremely long post as I am thinking my goals out loud.

Being totally dark is it's own h*!!. But I did that for two reasons this week.

First I am angry at him still over the cc issue. (and thought I had forgiven him, it just keeps coming back to bite us) I didn't want any of that anger showing if I emailed or spoke to him this weekend, since it is a temporary sort of thing. ie - why blow up at him now when I still want to have some type of R w/him?

Second, I noticed that just 'hearing' his voice can throw my emotions so out of whack it's not funny. When I hear him on the phone or ans. machine, my heart pounds, the hormones rage and I am ready to just pack up and be on his doorstep to throw my arms around him, hold him, touch him, kiss him, etc, etc!

He calls us over the weekend since he has told me that is the only time he can call (free minutes) I have told him that he could call after 9p during the week or to let me know when he will call so we can plan to be home. (my boundary and he hasn't been willing to address this) But then since we r div, why does he want 2 talk evry weekend? Our s cannot/will not talk on the phone and I told ex that s could send email, or artwork to dad evry couple weeks. I don't understand the ex's actions.

I am getting ready to send ex an email today. Just going to say, "hey we didn't hear from you this week and was kind of worried. (he doesn't know that I left the cid on!) s is doing really good. take care." That doesn't answer his ? on the money, just leaving it hanging as he did the visit ?.

As for my goals, we managed to get outside for 5 minutes here and there and clean house, but the cookies didn't come out as well as I would have liked. Well, they are nice and gooey, which I really like, but will make quite a mess w/four and five yo. The budget plans are not working out to get this cc issue resolved but I'm not ready to give up on it just yet. Same as the R, I would really like to ask ex where he stands on this, I just hate being in limbo; but I will settle down and not push too hard. Just keep the email exchanges going nice and friendly for now and see if he wants more.

T

Here is what I have started on my email reply.

HI!
Hope you had a nice weekend. Ours was fun, other than the rain! s17 had a meeting at the Marines on Saturday, so s8 and I went to the park. At the zoo, he liked the bears best, kept calling one of them 'Little Bear', but it sure looked like a big bear to me! We were there for 45 minutes and then it started pouring! Tried to go back again later and on Sunday, but it just clouded up and would rain for a few minutes then stop and be sunny for a couple of hours. Just can't predict the weather, but the nice thing about it was it kept the tourists off the streets for a while.

s8 decided to take over s17's bedroom yesterday, when he was at his fencing meet. Put a movie on s17's tv, rearranged his books and had dinner on his bed! I told s17 that it won't be long now and he will have to move out so s8 can have his room!

We did try some chicken nuggets w/s8 this weekend. He didn't seem to be affected by it seriously so I will probably try to add some more stuff into his diet. Of course, he is already growing like a weed, by adding more protein he will soon be taller than both of us!

that's what I have for now, keeping things lighthearted and friendly. i don't mention anything about phone calls, emails, visits, etc. all i do talk about is the kids, but that keeps it level for now. any thoughts on adding anything else? or deleting some of it - do I go overboard talking about just kids and maybe leave some things out?
T