csw wrote: -------------- She didn't call me this year, nor did she even extend the wish through W. It seems like they look at me as the unfaithful spouse. I really don't understand it..... --------------
Blood is thicker than water, even when the blood is tainted. The reason they look at you the way they do is because it is all your fault. You forced her to have an affair. If you had only been just like Santa Claus, she would not have strayed.
Her entire family appears to be conflict avoiders, and SIL an enabler. I bet there isn't a happy person in the lot of them. If anyone in the family can understand an affair with any logic, then they are too scared to speak up.
I think your folks should have been told the full extent of the affair long ago.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOP, I told my family of my suspicions, and a number of the facts. They know that she was involved with him, but they don't know the depth of involvement. They know that she has backed off from her involvement to some degree. I chose to partially expose to them because I know that if my mom knew the whole truth, it would be even more difficult to get M into recovery. If W felt like she had enemies in my family, she would see forgiveness as an even more difficult prospect.
Maybe I am off the mark here. They know enough to not blame me for all of our current probs, and that was enough for me.
Conflict is treated like a communicable disease in W's family. Once you touch it, you are tainted. Scared to speak up is a good way to phrase it.
I understand your concerns, but your wife will eventually have to face what she has done, no matter the outcome.
If she stays with you, everyone is going to know what she did. If she runs off with squirrel (highly unlikely) everyone is going to know what she did. So, everyone is going to know what she did. That's the problem with making bad choices.
quote: ---------- Maybe I am off the mark here. They know enough to not blame me for all of our current probs, and that was enough for me. ----------
My major concern with what your parents know is simply having someone on your side, supporting you. You have been mostly by yourself through this. That makes it a lot tougher. Having additional people 'watching your back' can be a big help.
quote: ---------- If W felt like she had enemies in my family, she would see forgiveness as an even more difficult prospect. ----------
And this is why, in a previous post, that I wrote about conflict avoidance being the number one priority marital issue to be addressed in your recovery. Simply put, in my opinion, conflict avoidance in a marriage is akin playing russian roulette with a single shot bazooka.
You are doing well.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I had a relatively productive day today. I worked on the blasted tractor, weeded the blueberries, went to the garden store, spent time with a friend, visited my folks and left them "Mona Lisa Smile", made the same thing for my dinner that I made for W's breakfast, and now am preparing to watch "Eyes Wide Shut" The last Kubrick film I watched was "A Clockwork Orange" during my (mild mannered) rebellious punk rocker days. It was rather disturbing. I am hopeful that this is less so. My theory is that if I can't get any action, I may as well see some... W wouldn't go for this flick, but she is AWOL. I will hang on to it in case she wants to see it. The long rentals are nice like that.
I am feeling like if W doesn't get her act together soon...
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I don't know that this it the right time for you to watch "Eyes Wide Shut"...I feel it will only bring you down due to the content. I'm sure you know generally what the movie is about....so why would you choose that of all movies right now? You're bound to be sexually frustrated right now....this movie will make it worse, not to mention the topic of cheating.
Csw-- I have been lurking here for about a week and devouring your thread. I just went thru almost this exact scenario over the course of the past year. NOPkins is dead on with his advice, keep following it to the letter. This is a sad tired script and you are doing AWESOME. Things are going your way, but that does not mean it is going to become easier for you . You are under a lot of stress emotionally on so many fronts and the biology of your needs is going to continue pounding even harder. Let me remind you --Don't lean on her. Any time you get needy its going to set you back. Keep coming here, and I am sure NOPkins will be able help you with the rest of the script. NOPkins your wisdom and advice is truly a blessing to those here that choose to make use of it. I sure wish I had found this place a year ago when I started my situation.
Howdy Blackfoot, I count myself blessed for having found this place when I did. I was spiralling downward into a horribly dark place. Nop promptly kicked me off of my pity pot.
I have been doing pretty well on the needy displays. I slipped a bit the other day, but I don't think it set me back too far. (and it got me into the same bed as her )
W came home tonight, for dinner. I was surprised to see her. I made a nice dinner, and we watched "I (love) Huckabees." It was a different movie, and a bit odd for sure, but it was humorous. W was a bit distant, but she was chatty, so we talked about this and that. I told her about the groundhog that came up to greet me in the old barn, he was less than 5 feet away from me, and wasn't even slightly scared by my dog, gun and psycho impressions. Sadly, the 12 ga. was in the house. I grabbed a big stick, lest the critter come after me. I have suffered one round of rabies shots in my life, and NO MORE! He wasn't scared of my stick either, So I got the heck out of there.
I think I will have my "proposal" ready for the BB at work by mid week. I was asked to outline my idea for becoming a buyer for the company. I am also making a proposal for changes to the current sales system. I hope I don't step on anyone's toes... If they like my ideas, I will be getting a good raise, commission, and a laptop with an aircard
)