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I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOPkins, I read some of your posts on csw. My situation is clearly different, not nearly as obvious. No late night anything, W always home, no extra cell phone, wife doesn't really use the computer. We always continued to do things on the weekends during this whole time ie. went out together. Really the only thing I found was that she was talking to him on her cell phone. I confronted her with this and it has stopped. I think it was an EA, but that's just my hunch obviously.
But now I need help. I asked her some questions the other night based on some of the above posts, like if she has forgiven me for my past behavior, if she felt like she was putting equal effort into making this work, and what it was that attracted her to OM. She said she was tired and didn't have any answers. This made me feel horrible and I told her if she felt that way, I didn't think I could keep the M going.
Next day we met with the C. A bad session. We ended up discussing seperation and divorce. Counselor said that the situation had become clear in our sessions, but that we had not made any real progress. When we discussed seperation, there was no emotion on W's part. It basically boiled down to logistics more than any emotion. C said it seemed like there wasn't much left in the R. Wife had to leave the session early. C said I it looked like I felt horrible, which I did.
We are going to have a hard time agreeing on how to seperate if that is what we are going to do, b/c she doesn't want to leave the kids, neither do I. I don't want to leave the house unless we are going to sell it. She wants to keep the house in case things work out.
She called me later to see how I was and if this is what I really wanted. I said no, that I loved her, but that she has let the situation get to this point. Pointed out that she said she loves me, but she is not sure in what context. Definitely NOT intimately and doesn't know if that would ever return. I feel this leaves me in limbo and without options other than moving in the direction of D. I told her I would have to think about things, but asked her to sleep in the spare bedroom which she did without asking. We didn't say goodnight to one another. I did say goodbye this am and gave her a kiss on the cheek. I feel horrible and don't know what to do...
Anyone with any advice for me based on my above post? The only thing I am thinking is to offer SSM for her to read while I am out of town next week. Other than that I am at a loss. ID
Sorry, I haven't responded earlier....I read this and was putting some thought into it.
I'm sorry to hear this. First I'm going to say something that's going to be hard to swallow....stop saying things that point blame at HER. I know you feel she's let it get to this point, and I understand that, and it's soooo hard not to say that "she's the one who let it get to this point"....but saying those things...just pushes her further away.
2nd...DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE! 3rd...Tell her you want HER, YOU are willing to do whatever it takes to win her back....and then ask for some time, a year or so for you to really let your actions show what your words tell her. After this, do your best to avoid R talks....and take action. Show her you are the man of her dreams. Spend time w/her (just the two of you)...of course do family things too, but make sure the two of you get your own time together....even if it's literally just taking a walk at first to begin to reconnect.
This does not have to be over, but YOU will have to be willing to give it your ALL. And sometimes that will mean keeping your mouth shut and letting your actions speak for you. Are you up for that?
Your W doesn't really sound to me like she's finished with this.....yet, so there's still an opportunity to turn this around, but YOU will have to be willing to take the lead and really do some work that won't be easy for you. I might even suggest....finding a new C.
Hi GEL, I reread my post and noticed too that I blamed her. It's just taht I have worked really hard on everything she has asked of me and she acknowledges that I have made real changes so far,and says she likes the way I am with the kids now, but then says that she still has no desire for me.
I just feel that I am not sure how much more hurt I can feel and rejection. I know this is feeling sorry for myself and that I need to stop that, but it is very hard. I get the take charge of what I want (her) attitude, but when that is met coldly, what is one to do?
Another year? What do I do with the affection I want to show her for this whole time? I think this is what really gets me down. I just want to give her a big hug and make up.
I am not going to move out.
Should I give her SSM? NOPkins suggested I do and I don't want to push, but would this be helpful at this point?
If nothing else, showing that you've read SSM might show her that YOU are really trying....invite her to read it, but don't be surprised if she doesn't....and don't take that as a form of rejection either.
If you feel you want to show her affection...give her a hug, give her a kiss....then do it, but try to stay away from the R talk as much as possible. I truly do believe that continuing to show affection and staying consistent in his actions is what has had an affect on csw's W.
True, your situations aren't quite the same....but in many ways, they aren't so different either. His actions towards his W have been consistently loving, he's walked up behind her hugged her and kissed her neck....now sometimes she didn't respond, other times she cried (partly from guilt I'm sure)...other times she responded a little.
It's actions like that which will slowly melt away at your W's heart. Unfortunatley there's no magic time-frame for the healing to happen and for you two to reconnect. BUT if you love her, and if YOU want to keep your M together....you keep trying until you simply don't have it in you to try anymore. My guess is too...that if you really get to that point, her rejection isn't really going to bother you all that much anymore...because you'll be finished too.
I would really urge you to try a new C though...a new perspective on your situation's might be what's in order for you two right now.
To all, I know I haven't been at this as long as many of you (Thanksgiving 04). I don't think I am as strong as some of you. I want my M to work and am willing to try, but I don't think I can live without some kind of deadline.
Here is what I am considering proposing tonight. We continue to work on things, since W hasn't said she is done. I offer SSM (up to her what to do with it). I believe she knows I want intimacy by now, so I'm not going to address that again. I will try to stop the R talks and work on showing her how I feel. We had discussed a deadline not too long ago and said that if there was no improvement in a year, then we would be done. I feel like I need to reiterate that for my own sanity. I love her, but can't go on like this forever (not willing to live without a SL).
I think that NOP gave some very good advice to some of our other male posters, in regards to how to be a "man of steel" that would both shore up their beaten-down sense of confidence and attract their wife at the same time. You might want to look into that.
I think deadlines are very useful, so long as it doesn't become a tool with which to hawkeye your wife, looking for signs of change every day.
Lose your counselor. They are not helping. Consider setting up a call with Michele (the lady in the top right picture).
Separation is crap. It rarely works, and only then, in the more extreme cases. Otherwise, it is just prep for divorce.
Listen to GEL. Don't leave your house. There are many good reasons not too, some of them legal.
You have to decide if you want to fight for your marriage or not. If you want to fight for it, there are folks here that will help.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I have gone through your thread, and here on the BB I know you are venting, but there is a certain defeatist tone that I pick up ( your sn, your thread name, your feelings of depression, etc). I am certain that at home you are being very positive, but some of this tone is probably coming through as well.
It's healthy to set limits, but for now, I would keep the limit to yourself. You and W are both confused and have mixed feelings...one of you has to lead the way. Since you're the one posting here, you get to be the lucky one!
Right now you have to convey to your W that you will do everything in your power to make the marriage work. This does not mean that you become a doormat and put up with bad behavior...you address your needs in a firm and consistent way with a pro-marriage therapist. Your W needs to see how much you want this.
I know that my H and I were going around in circles until I became more resolute in rebuilding the marriage. Before this, we both would say things like, "Let's see what happens in the next few months"...it just left us both feeling demoralized.
I think that's why NOP may have wanted you to check out csw's thread...not because the circumstances are the same, but because he has the right attitude. Again, I am not saying you accept the status-quo...you become a "coach" who wants a winning team.
We are all here to help you through the day to day interactions.
