I understand that...remember I've been there, and so have many/most of the other BB members...you aren't alone
You say you've been at this for a year, but how long have you REALLY been working on things. I say we've been at this now about 18 months (from when I first trying to communicate things to my H)....if you were to ask him how long we've been working on this he would probably say a year next month. When did we really start to make progress? When we changed our counselor...this past February.
As for your date night...these are great things!!! Our C has recently suggested that for my H and I too. In the past we've used every excuse under the sun why we didnt' have time for it...our S, stuff around the house, we're too tired etc. We went out last Sat night for the 1st time in ages....and we had a great time! Talked like we used to when we were dating....if your W wants you two to go out as friends, then do it!!! You that's a very good indication that you two probably do need to rebuild the friendship in order to restore your R.
GEL, I hear what you are saying. It amazes me how many people are in the same boat. When I read a lot of these posts, it's literally taking the words out of my mouth. It's both reassuring and disheartening. I guess that's realtionships...
As for going out, I guess I look for any glimmer of her coming back to the R. When she said she would go out with me as friends, it said to me that she still hasn't gotten feelings back for me. She has said in the past that she didn't know if she ever would so when I hear these types of comments, it makes me think that she is here for me as a friend, nothing more. That's the part that is getting very hard for me to take.
Realistically, we have been working on it since Thanksgiving when we started C. That in itself has been somewhat rocky. Been through 3, but now feel that we have one we both like and relate to. This past week's session was pretty good (other than hearing that she still just wants a friendship).
Another question: we still sleep in the same bed and share the same bathroom. Is this right? We are both professionals and both work, so we shower every morning together. It's kind of weird. I would never do this with a "friend". She seems perfectly fine with it. Sometimes it makes me feel like she has absolutely no interest in sex because if she were to make one move on me, I'd jump her like there was no tommorow...
Ok...so lets put this in perspective...you've been seening a C since November. While this seems like an eon to you (believe me I know)...in reality it's simply not very long, it's not a short amount of time...but it's not uncommon when you're working on rebuilding trust/friendship/love; especially since most of us don't start really working on things until the R is about to end.
It's also not really surprising that she'd be willing to take showers with you...this is habit, this has been a normal thing for her to do right? So she doesn't really think about it.
I personally believe that if you two can maintain your "date nights" that you will see a change...it won't be immediate, but I believe she will start warming up once you start treating her like you used to when you were dating.
It really did surprise me when last week my H and I went out...we could talk at home at any given time right? But we talked more about our R and about other things important to us than we have at almost any other time...at home. Why? Maybe because we were having fun, we were relaxed...but it really did feel like when we were dating, it was great!!!
I really do feel she gave you a good clue when she told you that she'd be willing to go out as "friends"...I personally think that's where you two need to start at, you need to rebuild that friendship; then things will begin to come back on their own.
GEL, Thanks for the support. OK, I will try the dates as a friend. One last thing- next Saturday is our 11yr anniv. Last year we went to a downtown hotel and had a nice time. This year I thought about a fancy restaurant, but I cancelled my reservation. This past year has not been good which we would both admit. I don't really feel like celebrating the past year of our marriage. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said she would think about it. I guess that is a positive thing since she would usually say "whatever you want" (which I hate hearing). I am thinking maybe just going out to dinner with our kids, since we both love them dearly and will always connect us no matter what. Does this sound reasonable?
Ok...hold da phone here. You want to take your kids with you when you go our for your anniversary? BZZZZZZZZ!!!!
There are PLENTY of other opportunities to take the kids with you when you go out. You two are trying to re-build YOUR R, don't take the kids on an important occassion like this, that's just using them as buffer.
I know you may not feel like "celebrating" that you've made it 11yrs, but use this as a "date night" if nothing else. Don't downplay the occassion by making it a "family night".
I don't mean to sound like I'm against kids...I'm not, but my H have made the mistake of including our S in almost everything we do...we just don't make the effort for a sitter (when he loves them). You including the kids on your anniversary kind of rang about the same as mentioning giving her back the ring....this of all nights is about the two of you!
Re-make that nice dinner reservation, just in case she comes back with an "I don't know...whatever you wanna do." Sorry about the cyber-smack upside the head here, but I feel you were about to reel off-course
Ooops! My bad. I think I was being defensive in my ways, which is definitely me. When she says friends, my defenses say, ok friends is fine. Lets take the kids. I see your point. Perhaps I should plan something on my own and make it kind of a surprise??!!
I certainly don't think it would be a bad idea for you to plan something....but make it flexible just in case she does come up with an idea for the two of you.
Just try to keep in mind that the last thing you want to do right now is to do something that makes it appear that your M isn't all that important to you...no matter how she behaves.
Setting something up is a good idea, but I do not know if I would make it a surprise. I think that may set you up for dissappointment. If she gets surprised, she may just decide that she has made other plans, then you would be hurt and get defensive and then let's start the whole ball rolling. I would give her notice that you have set up a date for your anniversarry. If she says she is not interested, remember Damone's 5 part plan from one of my favorite movies- "Whatever happens, your toes are still tappin"
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
Indespair, listen to GEL. She is a winner when it comes to relationships. BTW, it's OK to get smacks up side the head. It shows people care here on the BB.
Quote: I cancelled my reservation. This past year has not been good which we would both admit. I don't really feel like celebrating the past year of our marriage. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said she would think about it. I guess that is a positive thing since she would usually say "whatever you want"
Be a take charge guy sometimes. Women like consideration but they don't like wimps. Sometimes you have to act "as if" things are working well between you two.
It's like you asking "W what do you want for your birthday" and she replys "nothing." If you get her "nothing" you screwed up and she will hold it against you. So when she says "what ever" put that in the same group as "nothing", ignore it and do what is the proper thing to do. Several disasters later I learned this lesson myself. don't make the mistakes, I made by listening to the "nothings" or "what evers." I have aniversery, birthday, and mothersday all with in a few weeks and at times let a few of the occassions get by with small gifts or dinners. Not the thing to do BTW.
Some women think you should be able to read their mind and if you have to ask, you are not picking up on their mental vibes. Sorry, I am not a "vibe reader." I suspect you are not either
Do the dinner alone with your W. "You" should also arrange for the child care. Say to W "Is ________ a good sitter or would you rather have ____________.
If she complains about going to a good restaurant, no one will listen to her, she knows that. It might not get the M back on track but it will remove any new reasons to split up.
And if things are "BAD" maybe she is looking for reasons to leave. Not trying to borrow trouble BTW, so maybe I am going over board here. I am not there, you are. What does it look like to you?
