Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Confused and Lost

Maybe instead of "that's the most action", an innocent, but heartfelt, "Mmmmm, that feels good." It's far more encouraging, and if said right, subtly sexual, but not threatening...

You're probably right, ME1967. She does ask me "does that feel good?" sometimes, and I generally say "mmmhmm" or nod my head, but if I were to articulate it, especially if I did so before she were to ask, that might have a more positive effect.

Greeneyedlass, you ask, "In the past when you two had a more regular SL what would your W respond to? A direct request or a off the cuff comment?" Honestly, I don't know how to answer that question. She was the one that took the lead a lot of the time, sometimes through subtle & affectionate encouragement, sometimes with more direct clues (when she would slide into bed nude and cuddle up next to me, that was definitely a clue-by-four to the head!) Might that piece of information be relevant to what's been going on?

- "A"

arjnex,

Yes that's absolutey pertinent info. Take the lead...I know it can be difficult but try asking for what it is that you want rather than hinting at it. If this is the case in your sexual history w/her....it's VERY likely she got tired of being the one to initiate. That, in itself, is enough to make someone (esp. female) stop initiating.

GEL

Greeneyedlass...How?? I don't know how to do that. Are you saying I should just come right out and ask her to sleep with me? Not only does that sound offensive, but if she turns me down, particularly if she's offended, it'll just leave me feeling worse than I do right now. How can I do as you say without running the risk of offending her?

(In a way, this is exactly the problem I started with...how to discuss the subject with her without making things worse...)

- "A"

"I miss being with you." might be a start. Instead of asking directly, you are simply stating a feeling that she does not have to act on or reject.

Then build up gradually. "I miss touching you." "I miss you touching me." Again, not direct demands, just simply stating a feeling.

As you grow more confident, try personalizing it to your own lovemaking. "Remember that time when... Do you think we could do that again sometime?"

And I must be missing something here, but how is expressing a need to your partner offensive?

ME1967, I meant that it could sound so...well, crude if I just came out and said it up front. But you seem to be advising a much slower approach. That may work better, though if she asks, "What do you mean by that?" at any stage of the game, I'm at a loss for words.

OK, new information. During the after-bath moisturizing this evening, I let her start applying the lotion to my back before working on my own arms.

Me: "That feels really good, honey."

Her: (no response, but continues, telling me to move forward so she can get my lower back)

Me: "When you do this for me, it makes me feel loved."

Her: (picks up some medicated ointment from the counter) "This is for your leg." (proceeds to start moisturizing my entire right leg, the one not in the brace)

Me: (sudden inspiration!) "Maybe I should do this for you once you get your surgery."

Her: "No, I don't like people touching me--well, maybe my back, but other parts of my body, no."

Me: (thinks: "Well, that flew like a lead brick.")

And she finished with my leg and other foot (spraying some anti-itch spray on top of everything) and left me to do my arms and torso as usual.

This all happened not half an hour ago. Perhaps this provides more information which can clarify the situation.

- "A"

Arjnex,

If she asks "What do you mean by that?", just say something light like, "Exactly what I said. It feels good."

She doesn't like people touching her? I'm afraid that I would have jumped all over that and asked why not. Remember that she opened the door, you're just responding.

I don't know if you talk before going to sleep, but a "You know, your comment about not liking to be touched made me sad. Not for myself, but for you. Can you tell me why you don't like it? It might help me understand you better." Or something like that might open up some lines of communication.

ME1967, we're not sleeping in the same room these days. Partly that's because, with my injury, I can't get into the bed very easily; it's a high captain's bed and my leg makes it awkward, so I sleep on the couch to make things easier, and also to ensure my wife gets enough rest that she's capable of driving me to work on days where she has to do that. She would often sleep on the couch when I was in the bed, because (she says) I snore, and she has insomnia problems, too.

Sorry I wasn't faster at thinking of a followup when I asked that last question. I was concentrating on remembering what was said.

We did have an interesting conversation before she went to bed, brought on by some family matters, about how things might have been if she were able to have children, such as whether we'd be good parents and so forth. She remarked that she always thought she'd be a good mother, and that when she was in high school, her friends predicted she'd get married and have four or five kids. This spun off into a discussion of potential child names; she started off by picking names from a couple of my favorite science-fiction series. One possible interpretation: She really does want to make me happy, at some level. I riffed a couple of ideas in the discussion, but mostly listened for her input. I think that, if we did have (or adopt) any kids, I'd rely on her suggestions for names, and of course, on her good judgement in child-rearing.

I won't say that this is a positive thing, but I don't think it's a negative one, either.

- "A"

arjnex,

You really need to discuss your feelings with her. Tell her how ML with her makes you feel...the emotional connection. I literally had to explain to my H that there really is an emotional connection that I receive from the physical contact with him....without that physical contact I can feel part of that emotional connection drifting further and further away.

You've got to try to convey how all of this makes YOU feel on the inside. Yes, this will be difficult for you...it's definitely not going to be easy. But the road to recovery in a SSM is harder than hell, it takes a lot of hard work, it takes facing up to your own communication demons, it takes putting all of your emotional cards right out on the table for your SO...and it takes communicating what you need and what you aren't receiving.

It's not easy, it's very difficult...but at some point you simply have to screw up your courage and jump in I don't mean to sound callouse here...but there are going to be times she's offended by what you say...but you know what, as long as what you are saying is honest, not intentionally hurtful and truly speaks what you mean to say and are feeling...then you need to get these things out.

IMHO you cannot be worried about offending her by talking about sex, you cannot pussyfoot around the subject....that's what has gotten you here. Now of course that doesn't mean you bulldoze over here and start speaking crassly...but you start talking about this....and a good place to start is with how YOU are feeling without her.

Make sense?

GEL

A,
To whom does it sound crass?

I'm confused here. Are you worried about offending your wife, or YOU think it is crass and don't want to have to say the actual words? Or both?

I can relate to this but I will also tell you that until you find a way to communicate, in specific language, what troubles you, nothing will change.

Keep thinkin, you will find the words.

HP