I'm HD, so take anything I say with a grain of salt. I'm still struggling to understand my LD wife. We did have a good run of nookie a few months ago that was precipitated by communication brought about by a WWME weekend. What the communication did was let us each glimpse what the other was going through and let us work toward doing the things that made the other feel loved. My W did take the just do it approach Michelle espouses in her book (although she didn't read the book), which helped me out and seemed to bootstrap her desire a little. I think she might have gotten a little burnt out on it though.
What would happen if you just made the sex a priority, you know force yourself to think about it and initiate? What can your H do for you (ie, what is your LL, and how can he change to better fill your love tank). If both of you are being fulfilled, the theory is that it makes it easier for you to step out of your comfort zone to fulfill your mates needs.
Quote: I am so damned madly in love with my husband, but I just have NO sex drive. I just couldn't be bothered really! It is starting to have a serious effect on things, and I'm terrified that I am going to lose him if I don't do something QUICK, but WHAT??
If you aren't encountering any "technical" problems - then the thing to do quick is - make love to your spouse.
And do so on a regular basis. Is there some reason you can't do this?
I'm a fellow LDer, by the way. So, tell us more. The more we know about your situation, the more apt our responses might be.
I find this BB very helpful (though if you are a very busy working person and want to spend your free time enjoying your H and working on your issues, you may not have as much time to post as some do here).
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here. [To all of you: you are my buddies, the friends I can discuss things with that I don't talk about with my friends in RL (real life). In this society where everyone is supposed to be thinking about sex all the time someone with LD is often embarassed to admit they feel differently.]
These are some of the things which are helping me: 1. I read SSM. 2. I am working on thinking about sex, feeling sexy, on a daily basis. Some of the things which are helping: - Reading this BB daily reminds me of the issues daily. - Reading some books on the subject, both how-tos and fantasies. - Noticing and fostering the little flickers of desire I felt before but squelched (I was "too busy", "too tired", annoyed at H because he hadn't helped clean up the house but now he wanted sex, whatever). - MBing much more often (for me, desire follows arousal - the more frequently I do something sexual, the more often I feel desire). - Reminding myself to "just do it" - Stopping some of the hinderances such as late night phonecalls or late night email which take my attention away from my H at a critical time and also make him feel neglected. - We feel more emotionally intimate (and I feel more receptive and more sexual) when we have more cuddling time - even sitting side-by-side on the loveseat watching TV is good for me - even better if we're watching an R rated movie (porn doesn't do it for me). 3. We have scheduled an appt with a counselor. I went to the AASECT website http://www.aasect.org/ to find a counselor who will deal with R (relationship) issues and also sexual issues.
Anyway, some of the things you may want to think about: - are R issues are relevant in your case? - did you ever feel more sexual in your marriage and can you replicate some of the situations that make you feel more so? - can you achieve orgasm either with your H or on your own? - can you make a decision to "just do it" for the sake of your H and your M? Setting a schedule, planning for and anticipating a "date" on a regular basis may help your H and may actually help your LD.
good luck! Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
Ok.. GreenEyedLass, no, my reply wasn't intended to sound angry. I apologize. I was feeling very desperate at that moment... a bit less so today after a good night's sleep. We were having yet another one of our sex-triggered battles yesterday, and they sometimes become extremely emotional. Yes, he can be grabby, angry, persistent and often whiney. (major turn on, huh?) And honestly, sex NEVER crosses my mind! I NEVER feel an urge, interest or anything. I don't find it distasteful. Yeah, getting the motor running IS the hard part. I simply don't even feel like starting!
HDSocial, please do tell me more. What types of therapy are we talking about? Any negative side effects?
Hairdog, he's reading my thread about every ten minutes, so he's here!! No, I don't masturbate. And yes, I do want to locate a pro-marriage therapist! This lady we saw three times just kept saying stuff like "oh it will never work.. no way it can work." AAAHHH... Yeah, that gives me lots of hope!! ha ha. Looking for a therapist who is also ABS certified within our area now.
InHerJourney, you are correct that I am feeling pushed and rushed to "fix" things. He has said several times lately that he is happy on most levels of our marriage, but not this one, and yes, he has said he may leave. The therapy was a mutual decision. We went into it hoping to find some answers, but for me, it just made me feel worse. The only positive suggestion she gave me was to go to my doctor and have the lab testing done, which has come back as "normal", leaving me feeling further frustrated.
Naturally, in the early days the adrenalyn and such had me all charged up for an active sex life. I was married for 20 years prior, and felt no sex drive then, and now it's back to the same thing. I'm simply not a sexual person.
We are both reading the Sex Starved Marriage. He got to the "just do it" part and acted like there was nothing more to read! He is finally back reading some more. I am just wishing that there were more helpful advise for the LD spouse.
On Easter morning, I woke up and went to check my email, and I don't remember how I found it, but I discovered that he had been looking at some web site to pair up anonymous sex partners. That was a major blow out that day. How was I supposed to feel about something like that!! I felt violated and deeply hurt.
Now, back to the "too busy" part.... I have never ever been the type to sit still. My previous marriage I worked around the house and the yard because I wanted to and also it was my job as a stay home mom. But my husband now is not the physical type. His largest muscle sits between his ears, and he thinks for a living. He has the hands of a surgeon. While his dad and his brother were building things and working on cars, my husband was baking cookies with his mom. I don't care, I love him EXACTLY the way he is. HOWEVER, I am the one who has to do all the housework, yard work, car maintenance, home repairs, etc... plus, I do the cooking, laundry, dishes, pet care, pay the bills, etc... I generally go to bed feeling exhausted, and often unappreciated. Not too many wives out there who take on the jobs that I do. No, I'm not patting myself on the back, just clarifying that yes, I stay very very busy. This therapist that we saw thought that the magic soloution was to hire a housekeeper... that would make me horny!! DOH.. wrong!
Again, I bring up the age difference; I am peri-menopausal, and he's a young stud ready to go to work!! That doesn't help our situation one bit either! But neither of us cares about the age difference as far as "WE" are concerned. We love each other very very much! But it is part of the problem!
Ok.. I guess that will do for now.. I'll go have some more coffee!
Ok...first thing I want to say is to your H...READ THE WHOLE BOOK!!! It's invaluable as far as giving you a good perspective of how she's feeling as an LD...and this is something you need in order to be able to work with her on this.
Now for you DGA Something that I did when it came to couseling that I have found really is working for us is this...I called SEVERAL therapists offices and asked for a brief (5 min) interview on the phone with them. Some of them didn't care for that, but the one I picked gave me her time...listened, gave me some feedback....told me what her approach was (when I asked) and when I told her that we wanted to save our marriage and make it better...committed to helping us do that. So she was very aware that we didn't want out. She even commented to me later that she thought what I did was very smart. The right therapist for you two is crucial...there are some really iffy ones out there.
You sound MUCH like my LDH in the fact that it takes quite a bit of me "prepping" him to get his motor running...you know what that's ok. Some people are simply like that....BUT if you know you are this way, then you can make a concious choice to do things that you know will eventually get your motor running. In that aspect it is a choice...my H is struggling with this right now too, but he's making progress and slowly things are changing.
Also Hubby...this will not be fixed overnight, there is no fast cure here....this takes work from BOTH of you.
Okay, Mr. DGA, first, you need to pitch in around the house and help her out. But don't think of it as a quid pro quo...just do it because it's your house/food/clothing, too. This ain't "Leave it to Beaver." Second: DGA, are you on any drugs that may affect your sex drive, such as Prozac? If so, you might want to ask your doc about alternatives which may not have a deleterious effect.
Third: Mr. DGA looking at a website about anonymous sex partners. While this is not the same as actually catching him in the act of hooking up, what did you expect? He didn't marry you because he wanted a roommate or a maid. He wanted a wife, and most people think of a marriage as a partnership with the added ingredient of physical intimacy. If you didn't want it, you should have been very clear about it up front. You can't just change your mind midstream and expect him to accept it joyously.
It may not be right for him to be trolling for babes, but it's not unexpected. Consider it a warning buzzer.
And I'm not defending him, either. Mr. DGA, if you're going to screw around, have the balls to divorce her first, before you screw up everyone's lives.
Other questions: do you have kids? And just how often do the two of you ML now?
Wow Hairdog, you can be brutal! But yes, I have been taking Prozac for 7 or 8 years now.... And you are right, no he didn't need a room mate or maid. But I don't think I 'changed my mind midstream!' Is is so abnormal for life to get in the way?
Normal & abnormal really don't apply in this situation.
10 years from now it won't mean sh!t if your floors were clean and your grass mowed. 10 years from now letting those sorts of things be of more importance to you than making love to your spouse will make a lot of difference.
I wasn't trying to be brutal...I just don't care to sugar-coat my message.
You asked if it was "abnormal" for life to get in the way. The answer, of course, depends on your situation. If you're already having sex five times a week, and he wants more, then, no, it's not abnormal for you to want to clean the kitchen instead of spend time in bed with him. But, the question becomes harder to answer the longer you go between ML sessions. And if that duration is affecting his ability to commit to the M over the long term, then you need to start asking yourself if there is something wrong with your own unwillingness to make your sexlife a priority in the marriage.
There is a toy at a "sex shop" that you might try. its refered to as a butterfly...basically its a small item that lays over the clitoris that is triggered to "buzz" once in a while. Some times theyre remote/radio controlled.
My suggestion might be, without telling H, use this toy on and off when youre at home to see how you react. If you think it might work, give him the control and see if he can "push your buttons"...
I know this works when two ppl are on the same page sexually but I'm not sure if it would work in your sit.
There's a tape.."Unlocking the secrets of the G spot" that may help you. BTW has sex ever been enjoyable to you? That could be why you are blahsey to it.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Something that I did when it came to couseling that I have found really is working for us is this...I called SEVERAL therapists offices and asked for a brief (5 min) interview on the phone with them. Some of them didn't care for that, but the one I picked gave me her time...listened, gave me some feedback....told me what her approach was (when I asked) and when I told her that we wanted to save our marriage and make it better...committed to helping us do that. So she was very aware that we didn't want out. She even commented to me later that she thought what I did was very smart. The right therapist for you two is crucial...there are some really iffy ones out there.