WELL...listen to this!! H came home from working all day and told me that hes going up to buddies tonite and will be home on Sunday. Its the graduation weekend...yea, he's 28 and gonna be partying with bunch of college kids! HMMM, can u say MLC??? What else can it be....?? This is how he deals with things...must think it me that is making him unhappy or angry, so just run away for the weekend, get drunk, then come home Sunday all lovey and wanting sex! That is how it always is! I DO NOT DESERVE THIS!
Gotta go get ready for softball..gonna imagine the ball is H head!!
Thanks F4W---You always lift up my spirits!! And I have the pot ready to go!!
Here is what one of my horoscopes said today:
Don’t be reluctant to revise your game plan if you have to in order to adapt to the new opportunities around you right now. You might find that you have to work harder and dig deeper than usual, without necessarily receiving any immediate rewards, but your efforts at this time should quietly serve to build a greater foundation of respect for you.
Well then...that souns like a plan!! Here is my ME focused weekend plans:
First I have CPR class this morning , but then friend and I are going hiking in the mts. After, gonna hang out at my house and get some sun and drink some strawberry daquaris. Then we are going to do a spa day at home for ourselves! During which, the entire day, I will have my phone on silent and not take any of H calls. He usually calls me when hes gone, but not really to talk, its usually to have me do some stuff for him on the computer, but not this weekend. I think its time to put a little mystery into my life.
Tomorrow, its off to Home Depot to buy some plants for the yard, have some coffee and then off to late church. H usually comes home around 9:30-10 on these days he comes back from partying, so I am going to plan on not being home when he gets here. After church, going to be outside working in yard as much as possible and give H NO sympathy or wait on him hand and foot like I usually do when he comes back from partying.
Journaling:
I have been wanting to give H a hug so bad past few days and have been afraid. So crazy..why cant I give someone a hug that I care about...well, because he is so friggen stand-offish (not even sure thats a word, but oh well) that it only makes my heart fall. Well, I decided I was ready for that, so after the softball game, I just went up to him and hugged him..said I just wanted a nice hug..well, he put as little effort into it as possible..barely touching my body...ahh, what a great feeling !!! But I walked away from it thinking..well, I got a hug...so I won! Hee hee! When he left, it was like saying good bye to friend...he said, Im leaving now..and walked out door, gave me quick look and left....yep, thats my wonderful R with my H! So, friend and I went out for while and just got to say, the is the best friend ever...listened to me rattle all my thoughts out of my head like a crazy person! But it helped, and she helped me try to make sense of things, well, at least the things we were able to make sense of. My H is at that alien stage again...no telling who is going to be from one moment to the next! But, like I said, it helped, I was able to come home, relax, do some reading of DR and get some good sleep.
This morning is a new day...the sun is shining, its beautiful weather, and I have my life! What could be better, right?? I feel good...might be cuz H is out of house and I can relax..but oh well...as long as I feel good, nothing else matters to me right now!
Your week ahead: You can have a highly successful weekend if only you can lower your level of emotional involvement with a certain situation. You care deeply about a particular matter. That's understandable but it is not necessarily healthy. Jupiter suggests you are placing too much weight on a set of words or worrying too much about a factor which is comparatively trivial. Stand back. See the bigger picture. There's a little window of opportunity you can pass through but, to take advantage of this, you need to think small... not big!
Well, I had a wonderful weekend! Saturday, had CPR in the morning (H called and left V mail, but I never returned his call), then went home, mowed the lawn and then sat out in my backyard and read for while until friend showed up. Then we sat and chatted afternoon away.We went for walk and then decided to order Chinese -- YUMMY-- H doenst like Chinese, so I never get chance to eat it! We watched a movie too. Friend left and I read some more and went to bed.
Sunday morning, got all cutied up and went to church, then went to get coffee and paper. While I was in church H had called again but left no message. So, I called him and asked if he was home and what was up. He said he had just got home, so I told him I would be home in little while.
When I got home, I "acted as if", was all happy, smiles, etc. I asked if he had a good time..and cant remember if I got a real response or not. (Maybe his weekend didnt turn out how he wanteed it to or he was wondering why I hadnt called him back and where I was. )He asked if I had gotten his V mail and I said, NO, what time did you call? I said did you want something when you called and he said, "I just..." and stumbled for words. It was like he wanted to say he just called to talk, but was afraid to. Anyways, I said, "you could have called me back" and he said, "well, I said for you to call me, so when you didnt I just figured you were mad". (I had a funny feeling that he might think that because I ALWAYS call him back or answer my phone) I said, "I wasnt mad, just didnt get the message, sorry." Then throughtout the day, he asked what I did friday night and if I had gone for a hike on Sat. I shared little bits of my weekend, but not whole lot. I then went shopping and bought my self some thong underwear...hee hee and came home and showed H what I had bought. He looked at me strange and I said, "you dont like them?" and he said, "well, yea, but I didnt think you would like them.". I said "well, I thought I would try them." That was fun!! Hee hee! I went outside to read some more, then came in house and lifted weights for about hour. I had music loud and was dancing and singing...H was a little curious..
I did end up making small supper for the both of us, because he hinted he was hungry..I guess I felt good time to show LL to him. We ate and then I sat and watched TV with him, but NOT on couch with him like I usally do, instead in chair across room. He went to bed early and usually I follow him, but this time, I did not. I waited a while and then went to bed. In bed, I did scratch his arm and he put his hand on my leg (granted it is on top of the covers, but its something). After while he seemed like he was falling asleep, so I said good night.
So today, I woke up feeling pretty darn good! I think most of reason is because I focused on ME all weekend, instead of him. I guess I need to do that more often..like EVERY DAY!!
Yes.... we neeed to remember and remember and remember that... Dedicating some time for ourselves... nt waiting for them always to feel happy... Go ahead 2much... and please remember... Your man is not the only selfish... i think most men are that kind... the use to think first and first in them... and after that in someone else (You, kids, familly, etc)... maybe they nee to see us a little selfish... a little center in ourselves... Andrea
You are awesome. What a brilliant day! So good to see you made it happen for you! Monitor the results. See what it has done. I am excited for you! You took a good sized baby step here!!!!!
Waiting to see what happens next!
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
"Make plans but don't plan results." This is a simple phrase cautioning us against unnecessary worry and stress.
If our plans involve other people, we would be wise to work joyfully toward realizing our dreams, but we should not expect or worry if others do not want the same goals. Nor should we worry if others are not as enthused about our ideas as we are. We know, by applying the Serenity Prayer, that we can only change ourselves; we cannot force changes in others.
Another cause of unnecessary stress in planning results comes from our ingrained habit of regarding ourselves as inadequate. All too often, those of us who make plans give up on ourselves when we predict the outcome of our dreams on the basis of our past experiences. We falsely conclude that because we failed or felt empty in the past, we'll most certainly not succeed in the future; thus, we quit too soon and rationalize our resignation with a "Why bother to try?" attitude.
TODAY I will make plans but not plan results. I will work out my plan, one day at a time, knowing that my past performance is NOT an infallible indicator of my present or future success. I will look forward with hope, not despair.
Some good thinking.....
Well, I am still feeling pretty darn happy..and its not because of my H, its because of ME!
Positives from yesterday: 1. H started conversations with me. 2. H agreed to go out to eat with friends and their kids and actually had good time! 3. I felt good all day, happy, smiling, laughing, etc. 4. We had discussions about taxes and we were civil to each other...hee hee
Well, in the past couple days I have seen some good stuff!! Could it be because of my reaction or should I say no reaction to the past weekend?
Positives from H: 1. He's been staying in kitchen/LR with me while on computer instead of going into other room. This is BIG positive...for past 2 weeks, he has spent 5 out of 7 days in other room instead of being in same room as me. 2. He has came and sat with me on couch, w/out my prompting. Another biggie..lately I have had to ask him to come and watch TV with me...but last night especially, he just came and sat by me...it was so nice...!!! 3. We have had some good discussions over the past couple days...mostly ones he has started. 4. He let me know that he would rather I just call him when he is at work instead of texting him. Thats good to know, because I thought it was easier for him to get a text when he is busy! 5. He THANKED me for mowing the lawn this weekend! Wow, he's never said that! That felt good!
180's I have done that are working: 1. I have not hugged or kissed H since last Friday, except one *backwards* hug after I was done scratching his back and a kiss on the hand before going to sleep one night. 2. I have not asked H to do come sit with me or to go anywhere with me. 3. I have acted happy, cheery and fun!( as compared to sad and depressed last couple weeks when I was in a slump) 4. I grilled steaks this week...usually H does all the grilling, but I knew he was tired from working all day, so I offered! 5. I validated his feelings and concerns when we were discussing the non-insurance we were looking at. I kept ALL my opinions to myself. 6. I have not asked H for help during the day with the kids...if he offers, ok, but otherwise I have not. 7. I have been leaving him alone during my work day as much as possible..since we are both home during the day, I have to realize my H needs his space..so I have been working on that real hard. Its also helped that he has been real busy lately and been out of the house most days this week. 8. I do not go to bed before H does...usually I am in bed about 9 every night, but have been holding off or just waiting longer...
This week I do feel so good...and not because of things H has been doing or not doing, but because I have made myself feel good and have done things for myself. WOO HOO I am finally back on track!!
Quote: This week I do feel so good...and not because of things H has been doing or not doing, but because I have made myself feel good and have done things for myself. WOO HOO I am finally back on track!!
Yes you are... and remember the past situation the next days if rollercaster go downs again... Go ahead and good luck.. Andrea
, but then friend and I are going hiking in the mts. After, gonna hang out at my house and get some sun and drink some strawberry daquaris. Then we are going to do a spa day at home for ourselves! During which, the entire day, I will have my phone on silent and not take any of H calls. He usually calls me when hes gone, but not really to talk, its usually to have me do some stuff for him on the computer, but not this weekend. I think its time to put a little mystery into my life. 
So crazy..why cant I give someone a hug that I care about...well, because he is so friggen stand-offish (not even sure thats a word, but oh well) that it only makes my heart fall. Well, I decided I was ready for that, so after the softball game, I just went up to him and hugged him..said I just wanted a nice hug..well, he put as little effort into it as possible..barely touching my body...ahh, what a great feeling !!! 
But I walked away from it thinking..well, I got a hug...so I won! Hee hee! When he left, it was like saying good bye to friend...he said, Im leaving now..and walked out door, gave me quick look and left....yep, thats my wonderful R with my H! So, friend and I went out for while and just got to say, the is the best friend ever...listened to me rattle all my thoughts out of my head like a crazy person! But it helped, and she helped me try to make sense of things, well, at least the things we were able to make sense of. My H is at that alien stage again...no telling who is going to be from one moment to the next! But, like I said, it helped, I was able to come home, relax, do some reading of DR and get some good sleep. 
