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Journaling:

This past week H did so, so many AOS for me!!! I just couldnt believe it! It was one thing after another!! And a lot of them are things that probably mean a future for us...what I mean by that is...we bought a 7x7 shed and put out in yard, bought new kitchen sink and faucet and 2 new faucets for bathrooms, all things that are improving our home!

Lets start with last night...H and I went out out to eat, bacause softball games were cancelled AGAIN! Darn rain!!We had some good conversation..I also asked if maybe we could go hiking on Sunday after I went to church, but I got an "I dont think so" Oh well, I tried..maybe next time. I just let it go and tried not to let H see I was disappointed. We went home and watched a movie. H has been real good about letting me into his life and really talking to me. It feels so good that he is doing that and is not hiding anything from me anymore! I got ready for bed and went to bed while H was on computer.(One thing I am working on is going to bed and not getting upset when H does not go to bed when I do, this was one thing that used to cause fights between us. H felt like I was controlling his life.)

Sat morning, I had to go watch some friends kids for hour...but so weird, H was up before I was..like at 7!! He is NEVER up that early! Must have had lots on his mind! He got up and was off to Home Depot buying a new sink for kitchen and new faucet and 2 new faucets for bathrooms. When I got home from watching kids, H was busy at work. I asked if I could do anything and he said no. It took H all day, because things werent fitting, parts were so old, etc, and saw H getting frustrated many times, but he held in his temper...I was very impressed. Sometime around 5, I heard him on the phone with friend talking about him coming up to go out for couple beers. I was furious..I could feel my face getting hot...just last weekend, we were both talking about this weekend just being able to relax and not drink, so to hear him talking about going up there, made me upset. Plus he is going back to SD next Thurs. nite until Monday for family reunion, so I kind of wanted just kind of an "us" weekend. So, I went outside to try to calm down, did some painting, did some weed pulling and tried to figure out what I was going to say when he told me he was going out. Well, when he did tell me, I said, "OH, I just thought we talked about just not doing anything this weekend." Then he said, "Geez, you make it sound like I'm committing a crime or something by going out". What???? I wasn't sure if he was trying to get a reaction out of me or what..because I didnt say anything bad, or at least I didnt think it was bad. Then I said, "I am just disappointed, but I feel that you have done so much work around here this week and worked your a$$ off today, that you deserve to go out for a beer with the buddies." Phew..good save!! He started to say something, but then stopped..I am not sure what he was thinking at the time, but I do think he felt a little guilty. Later, I told him that I was going to go out for drink with friend too..and he said, "I thought you wanted to stay home?" and I said, "Well, I wanted to, but if you are not going to be home, then I dont really want to just sit home alone." I think that was good thing. It helps him to see I have a life BESIDES him!

Kind of funny, I called him like 5 min after he left and asked if he wanted me to move work van to back and he said he would stop by and do it, he hadnt left town yet. Hmmm...why could I not just move it..anyways....he came home and said "thanks for letting me know van was out front" So nice of him!!

Then he called me on his way to tell me he found my sunglasses in softball bag in back of car....again, nice gesture!! Its like he was trying to let me know he was sorry he was going out with buddies for night. And just so you all know...I wouldn't really mind so much that he goes out with them, but he drives 45 min away and stays overnight and they are single!! Yes..not to wonderful!!

Well, time for me to go to bed, but wanted to get this all in before I forgot about all the positives H has done for me!! Good night!

I'm really impressed by your positive attitude. Hope you had a good night.

Ok, this is my biggest fear...that I will not get the affection that I want and that I feel makes a M complete, but also that eventually that want will just go away and we will go on living w/out it. It seems so easy for H not to hug or kiss me, and this has going on for HIM for over a year now!! For me to not be able to hug and kiss him freely, whenever I want, it used to be harder..but now its like I just forget that its even supposed to be a "normal" part of a healthy M. That cannot be a good thing, can it?????

I asked H for hug yesterday before he left, and he pretty much just stood there, while I hugged him. Yes his arms were around me, but there was no squeeze or pressure and honestly, those only make me feel worse.

I need some opinions here on what to do....maybe we are both so out of "touch" with the hugs and kisses and that is why they feel so uncomfortable to both of us and so instead we just choose not to do them. H says its because he just doesnt feel it. So what I am thinking is that maybe, without prompting or asking, I go up and give H a hug and kiss, maybe start out doing it like 2x per week. Slow enough that is doesnt seem like pressure from me and also w/out me asking, he doenst have to feel like hes being pressured to return it, but with me surprising him with it, he might not be thinking so much about "I dont really want to hug or kiss her" and it will just come natural to him. What do you think??? Any advice? I guess I could even try if for a while and see what happens, right? Kind of gauge his reaction to it.

OH, I texted H last night that I was out having good time with friends and hoped he was too and goodnite and see you tomorrow. He did text me back, "nite" so that was good!! He hasnt done that in about 6 months!!

I forgot to add that if I am going to start giving H hug and kiss 2x each week, its really going to have to a concious effort. It so weird how that is...it should just come naturally... I shouldnt have to sit and think, "ok, now is a good time to go up and hug H." Do you see where I am coming from??? Right now its so easy just to not even do it that doing it is going to be very hard...how ironic is that????

I guess that I would just do it. Just walk up to him and give him a hug. Short and sweet, don't say anything about it. Maybe if you don't make it a big deal, it won't be. Then just walk away and get on with your day. Or maybe if you put it. "let me give you a hug honey." Smooch on the cheek and "have a good day." Then just walk away. Leave him wondering, "hey, that was different..."

Hi 2much, thanks for you support on my thread. I really appreciate your response.

AS far as the hug thing - I agree w/Mellanie. Just walk up to him, give him that hug and then go about your business. Of course, gauge his reaction and give it time to work.

TJ

Thanks Mel and Tessa, your right, its worth a try and I will try not to make such a "production" about it!


My horoscope for the day:

Good news is on its way. How good? Well, your life is not about to change beyond recognition forever as a result of the information you are about to get. But it IS about to change a little bit! Expect to receive reassurance on a subject that has lately been causing you some concern. Your doubts about a particular person's integrity - or their ability to fulfil a promise will soon reduce. Your confidence in your own capacity to meet a target that means a lot to you will increase.

I love these horoscopes! They always make me feel just a little more positive about my life!

Journaling:

H wanted me to give him a "wake up" call while he was up at his buddies house on Sun morning, because he had a job at 10am on Sunday. I called about 8:30 in a cheery voice (dont want H to think I am uspet he went up to buddies house) and said "Good morning, here is your wake up call" Then I asked if he was already up and he said he was half way home already, but it was raining real bad, even though it wasnt raining here! I told him I was making breakfast and asked if he wanted some and he said sure. It was ready right when he walked in the door. We had breakfast together and then both had to leave in a hurry..he went to work and I went to church. When I got home, he was already home...he finished completing his tasks from Sat and I cleaned up the house. When we were all done, we sat and watched a movie and then H got a littley frisky...wow, initaion by him again!! Afterwards, we just hung out on the couch for while and then got his pac-man game out and played a couple games...he is so fun to watch...just like a kid!!

We went to bed early, because we were both so tired, I read and he watched TV. He put his hand on my knee and I wasnt even scratching his arm!! I could tell he was a little uncomfortable with it..weird, kind of like when you are out on a first date and you are unsure if you should do anything or not..

So I do think things just might be weird to him, like they are to me too. We both just need to get past that..and I really think that in time, we will!!

Well, guess its time I checked in....this week has been pretty good. H left today to go back to SD until Monday. He has family reunion and since his sister or mom are not going to be there, I decided not to go. Just too many things could cause some problems. For one, his female cousin, who I REALLY do not like will be there...she drives me crazy..hangs all over the guys and she's related to them!! EWWWW! Anways, I decided would be better for me to just stay here, then H could go have good time and not worry about me. Plus, time away for us it always good. H always seems to really miss me when we have some time apart. Plus it always gives me some time to "focus on myself" too, which I have really neglected doing the past month or so. So that is what this weekend will be for me...doing for ME!!

So, yesterday, I asked H if he had lots to do to get ready to leave today and he said yes. I told him I would help him so that we could maybe watch a movie together or something. After the daycare kids left, I helped him as much as I could, then sat on the couch. He *seemed* to be avoiding me, or at least, thats how I was interpreting it. He did have lots to do, but some of it I thought he could have done in the morning, since he wasnt planning on leaving until noon. Well, it got to be around 8:30, too late for a movie, so I started to get ready for bed. Then H went and sat on couch. I was furious!! I did everything in my power to hold it in and try not to cry...I did shed a couple tears....I really didnt think I was asking for too much since he was going to be gone for 4 days!! Again, I felt like I was second or 3rd, in his life, and not first, like he is in my life. He didnt sit on the couch very long and I think maybe he could feel the "vibe" I was giving off that I was a little upset. I went to bed w/out a word and not long after, he came to bed...which was at 9, so for him, that was an improvement, bcuz usually its closer to 9:45. I layed there and thought to myself, "I do not want him leaving tomorrow and me feeling this way", so I just decided to "love him" and let the anger go away. We ended up ML and he rubbed my arm for a little while after while we cuddled. That was nice and it felt good that I was showing him what he had to come home too..hee hee

This morning I so wanted to roll over and cuddle with him...but was afraid to. WHY?? Not sure...its hard to explain...

He got up not much later than I did today and started getting everything ready...he didnt have any jobs to do this am, so he decided to take off early...which is fine, bcuz I didnt want him driving so late at night by himself. He came to me and said he was leaving, so I went to give him hug and he actually squeezed me and held me for a while. I wanted to kiss him, but since I havent been feeling well lately, didnt think it was good idea. I told him to drive safe, good luck golfing, and to have a great time! Also told him to call me if he gets tired and I will keep him up, bcuz he knows I am good at talking..hee hee!

Wow...so weird, a year ago, he was leaving to go see OW and it KILLED me. I remember feeling anxious for a week before he left, and the good-bye SUCKED!! Then I would cry for hours after he left!!

Now, I feel pretty secure in our M, and no OW is not in the picture any longer, so it makes his going away so much better. Plus, like it said, it gives me time to give myself some focus again.

So, here are some things that I plan on doing for ME this weekend:
1. Listen to KLA cd's, becuause I am sooooo far behind!!
2. Catch up on some reading
3. Take a nice bath....I was doing this once a week about 3 months ago, but for some reason, I just stopped...I need to start doing it again..
4. Do some shopping
5. Give myself a manicure/pedicure
6. Keep up with my exercise routine ( want to look da@@ good for H class reunion in July!)

2much - I'm glad your evening w/your h before his trip ended so nicely.

I know that I often take it personally when my h SEEMS disinterested in me. But I am trying to remember that his disinterest most likely has nothing to do with me. That there are lots of other reasons why he may seem distant and none of them are about me or OW.

Quote:

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so I just decided to "love him" and let the anger go away

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That is such a great concept. I think that in a way I have been trying to do this, just didn't put it in the right words. So many people don't understand, they think that because he hurt me I should be angry. But the anger doesn't solve anything. It only makes things worse. And what a great reward you received for your efforts.

Enjoy your alone time.
TJ

LOL at not feeling well and no kiss after the night you had! Love it! No being mean but I think he might have caught anything you had that night!

I sooooo much know that feeling of wanting to cuddle and being scared. Why is that? It makes me feel so poweress at times. It is also amazing our S cannot sense the "vibe" we give. But like you told me, in time we can get thatall in tune with each other.

It sounds like a great night and parting for his trip. You did very well. I am proud. You get that GAL going while he is away. I know what I would be thinking about if I was you H and I was gone after a great night like that. He He He. Thinks about you for a few days, then how can you show him a "welcome home honey" kins of time. His favorite meal? A new something for him? Whatever you feel.

Happy for you 2 much!

F4W