Journaling The quiet weekend took a different path. D20 with new baby here with me to help with jaundiced baby (there isn't anything to do once on the biliblanket thing). However D20 needed me to be present in her world. She went home happy a few minutes ago with much more confidence about new baby. All I did was be in the same place.......
Wish it was that easy to fix M. H was here and did agree to give me more time. I can't figure out what went wrong. I'm stuck. Good thing the KLA tapes are on their way.
H again gave me a lot of room. He only spoke to me if asked a direct question--may be "punishing me". I fed him well and kept PMA.
Coworker feels I am assuming a victim role again and wants me to identify it and deal with it. How come I'd do that again, it was the pits. This was like getting hit with a mack truck. If my H thrives on me squirming then he has succeeded.
I long for normalcy in my life. However, I am reminded that the normal of the past was not even real. So, what is it that I want??? Probably security, safety and love. Meet all my basic needs...
I have an assignment for C tomorrow. I keep thinking about what do I want and how am I going to get there. The basic assignment. I want my M restored and I'm gonna DB until I get there. I bet that was way to pat an answer...LOL. Be more specific and what steps will it take to get there. Sometimes I have no idea. Part two of assignment, rules for the separation to help with the reconciliation. I have no clue how to do those...should be interesting. Remember how much fun dating was, I wish this would be like that.
The morning comes way too soon. Any suggestions on the above appreciated. Midwest
Today was peaceful. I'm so glad that I'm out of the tailspin and moving beyond the victim role again. It just sucks me in with such a strong force.
I never did figure out what exactly set it off. However, the KLA info assures me that I can move on and no need to look back right now. I'm glad.
College D and I just had fun. All we did was errands and fast food. Something different for a change. Tomorrow is a half day at work. So we are headed to the library to find books on the list from Slowly and the Boundries one if it is there.
No contact at all since Sunday with H. No calls. Nothing. I talk with C tomorrow. He asked if I could detach and not sit with H at church--that would be difficult for me. Good news I'm going out of state and it will be a nonissue next week. So, that will take care of a dif decision.
What are my goals? They are far too general and unreachable for short term/long term success. I don't want to give up even when I feel like giving up.
Back to the drawing board. I'm planning on working on setting boundries for reconciliation first. I do know that I am content when he is around for a couple hours several days a week. When he starts monopolizing my time and activities by being around too much I get frustrated. The house gets messy and laundry behind. Garbage piles up. I cannot talk on the phone because that offends him. So, I need a plan where I have freedom to do chores and visit with anyone I choose on the phone (limited to GF's and family). H had started grocery shopping with me as long as it didn't take too long (or he's grumpy). I need to make a budget. I have the info. I have the forms. I have a class coming soon. This needs to be a priority. Goal: 1. I will collect info for budget 2. I will copy pages so the master will be clean 3. Wed. I will make 6 entries on the form. 4. I will use the principles with the budgeting for the 6 items to see if they are in the right percentage.
5. Thursday I will enter 6 more items 6. I will see if they make the percentages 7. Friday I hope there is nothing more to add in. I will get a favorite chocolate if I make this goal.
I'm hoping posting this makes me do the budget, nothing else has motivated me yet. It is vital to my survival.
I am content, concerned about the future but content with today
Back to DBing I started dating again with my H yesterday. Just coffee and cheesecake at a new restarant. We are going to take it slowly. I am trying to have a PMA about longterm positive results. Also, just for a good day for today. Cheesless tunnel to try to work on issues right now. There is a way to work on it--not time yet. Midwest
I'm working on piecing our M back together yet I'm now wondering if I have the right puzzle pieces. This limbo land feeling of uncertainty is difficult. A coworker asked if I would see H tonight and I will. She has it figured out that I'll have a bad day or two after I'm with him. How do I do this? What can I do differently so that is not true. Life just keeps going on even if I'm not up to full speed. Midwest
What do you think the source of the "bad day" is after the fact? Is it that you get down about not being totally back together? Or is it something else?
Michele would ask "are there times when you don't get down after you go out with him? what's different about those times?"
Maybe you're ruminating on stuff and it makes you feel depressed? Maybe making plans to go out with friends the next day would help (or not?)? or something else to keep you busy?
Do a little sleuthing...what do you think contributes to the bad days and we'll go from there.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
What happens when you are w/ H, maybe that will give you some kind of clue as to what puts you in a bad mood. Does he treat you negativly, what kind of things do you talk about when you are together? It is kind of funny how co-worker can pick up on that kind of stuff. I know when things were rough no one was talking to me at work because I was is such a bad mood all the time, but of course I suffered in silence where no one at work really knew what was going on in my personal life. Once most everyone knew they all said Oh that is why you have not been yourself latly.
All I can say is just keep postive and doing your own thing, things will turn around. Figure out where your cheeseless tunnels are and don't go back there again, eventually you will find a whole bunch of things that will work. Easy for me to say, I am still finding them, but I am making notes of them so I don't go back there.
I am not one to give advice, but i think it has to do with expectations. It is so against everything to be starting over. It is hard not to fall back into old habits, or to have trust issues. We want everything to be perfect, and even though we can rebuild, it takes a very long time to be in a place where we can be normal again.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I will agree with Hope it is so hard to not fall back into the old patterns of behavior and the way thing used to be. Remember start with a beginers mind.
How did your "date" with your H go last night? Have you given any thought to the way things go when you are with him. But since you are dating again don't think of the things that have gone wrong, just start over like this is a new person that you have never met before and you are just starting to get to know.
My H called me today from California, he wanted to assure me that all of the things he has been saying to me are sincere and that he is not just trying to pacify me. It is so hard to believe him when there are trust issues. BUT if I am to ever have my marriage back, I have to do the three F's. FORGIVE<FORGET<FOREVER. I am a very neurotic person, and it is so hard for me to let go and try again. I want more then anything to rebuild my relationship, and have a new start. I do not want to go back to what we had. I am learning as hard as it is to take things at face value,and not to look into things so much. This is where trust comes in, and this is where I keep failing. If I continue with the same behavior I will lose any hope of rebuilding my relationship.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
