No it wasn't spam - it said forwarded from aycle, which is Andy's email address.
He is quite 'new age' and gets all these 'spiritual enlightenment' e-newsletters and my guess is he forwarded it to me because he thinks I have low self-worth, which I don't, I just have varying opinions to him.
I actually took it as an insult and have been as mad as hell all day.
Then he sent me ANOTHER email after that with the revised contact times and he wants 8.45am till 6pm on Saturdays and I said no, still FUMING, because the court order states he has her 4 hours and that is well over 4 hours.
He also has her every other weekend, I should add as well and his total time with her amounts to approx 4 days a fortnight whereas he only offered me 2 days with the other 3 and I only see them when he comes here now because the R's were damaged so much and he wouldn't agree to what I wanted.
So of course I sent him a scathing email back saying he sure as heck isn't having her till 6pm! I already agreed to him taking her camping for 8 days in June!
I feel he is taking advantage and I'm pretty fed up with the barrage of emails and phone calls he has given me the last couple of days. He says he wants to be friends but I'm not in the mood and I know I would never be able to be just a friend to him anyway.
Right now I wanted to concentrate on GAL stuff and just see him at the drop-off's and I wanted him to leave me alone the rest of the time because it's so tense between us I need my space.
Quote: There was a whole load more stuff about 'inner awareness'
Jo, some virus programs catch someones e-mail address and send e-mail through peoples computer. Maybe Andy did not intend to send you that e-mail, a spammer just used Andy's address.
You said something about GAL. I would go down that road for now Jo.
Again, you and H seemed locked into this child issue which has its roots in that very vicious D process. Its completely understandable, but if you truly want some progress in the sitch, you're going to have to start avoiding this cheeseless tunnel.
Send him a very objective, cold response (by cold I mean brief with no emotion): "The visitation with DD4 will be 4 hours. We can discuss mutually convenient start/end times. If you are asking to open up all visitation arrangements for all four of our children, I'd be glad to talk about expanding visitation each of us to have more time with our children, as they would benefit from knowing both of us better." No argument, an invitation for more contact, and a friendly tone will go a long way, Jo. If he presses for self-serving changes, again brief, boundary setting: "No, that won't do at all. Again, if you are willing to alter all visitation arrangements for all four of our children to give each of us more time with them, I'd be glad to discuss this with you."
I don't know if pulling away when this comes up is such a great idea. Do you trust yourself to be firm with him without expressing anger/resentment about the past?
My view on this issue with him is that more time with the kids will solidy your "family" indirectly and will move you toward your goal of reuniting with him. It would also disprove/erase his insulting doubts of you as a mother.
Gabriel, I started a post to Jo pretty much in the same vein as you regarding negotiating more fair visitation but lost it. You said it brilliantly!!! Jo, I hope you can use Gabe's advice and that it works for you. Be firm, stick to your guns and this will hopefully work our for you and your family. Good luck.
I am not sure how to trust him. It doesn't help that he still has behaviours similiar to in the past and that every time he has dd4 he acts like he is doing me this huge favour.
I also know he isn't sorry for what happened, he will not compromise on the kids, and he has this air of I should be grateful for any contact he offers me.
I am also aware that he lies still, which is difficult as then I never know if I can trust what he says to me.
I don't think he has moved much in terms of development since we first split.
In fact, he didn't used to lie to me in the marriage so in that respect I think he has regressed.
I think he will need to learn how to become a more honest person before I could trust and all I can do for now is look after me.
In the past when I had 2 and a half days a week as offered by the court, he was even worse with me than now and we had more rows.
Then, everything I did with the kids was 'monitored' by him and he constantly picked on me about everything I did with them and told me I was rubbish at everything.
It takes a person with nerves of steel to put up with that and I couldn't.
He'd leave little notes in their bag, criticize me for the home ed I was doing with them (one time we did the royal family from 1500 and then our own family tree, and he went MAD because I listed myself as mother).
He said the activities I did with them were 'inappropriate' (we did cutting and sticking out of a baby magazine - pictures of dad's with their babies, and then gave one to him. He took offence, you tell me why that is inappropriate??).
Then he said he wanted to syncrinise the lessons so I was teaching them the same thing as him, that he wanted a timetable of everything we did at my house. I got drunk on purpose after reading that letter.
The food I gave them was wrong - he got annoyed because I treated them to nice stuff. He went MAD because dd2 asked to watch home videos of when she was a baby, and it was her request.
According to my dd's he would question them whenever they got back about what I'd been doing and whether I said anything mean about his then OW.
I had them in tears here because he gave them the third degree whenever they visited me.
It was literally everything - even right down to questioning them about what I had let them watch on TV and what time they went to bed.
As a result we were always fighting and I was always crying.
Then the court put me back down to 2 days a fortnight due to unfounded petty remarks by him about my care of them, and that was AFTER I'd done 3 months of home ed with them and given him all their work because I was trying to include him. Even ex-ow says I am better at home ed than him ('bloody brilliant' were her exact words).
I just flipped, after all that effort. Nothing I do as a mother is ever good enough, and I know I don't want that many rows again, which is why I walked out of court and why I refused his 2 days a fortnight, and why I keep my distance from them.
It sucks, but it's better than how it was before. On the limited times I do see them, I just act for him, then there are no rows. He definitely gives me stacks more say and respect when I am his partner then when I am not.
I am angry about it a lot of the time, and very hurt by his previous rejection of my mothering of them, when I tried so hard.
He isn't sorry for this and until he is, it is difficult for me to bite my tongue. I'd rather be distant than forever yelling at him, which is how I feel at the moment.
Jo - can we take the focus off your H for a minute? From everything you've told us - he is an absolute fruitcake, a nut, a crazy person. And I think you need to get OUT of the mode of reacting to him, and letting him push your buttons and upset you - and focus on the fact that your poor children are being raised by a nut, and what can you do to help them.
You need to document everything, be completely above repoach in your dealings with him and the girls, and gather all the ammunition you can so that someday, if necessary, you can file again to get custody of your girls.
You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, so maybe there's some way to sweet-talk your way around your Ex. But there's something very abnormal about him, the way he treats you and the girls - very creepy.
I will never get custody again, now, not after all this time and besides which when a kid gets to 13, they can pretty much chose where they live.
If one of them contested the fact that they lived with him, a court could grant that they are allowed to be with me or they could run away and state to social services that they wanted to live with me but I doubt either would happen as obviously they have loyalties towards their father.
You're right though, I shouldn't react to him. It just makes it worse.
I still think DB'ing is more effective than law, as I got so much further with my family by DB'ing than I did with the lawyer.
Maybe if I had learnt DB'ing in the first year, I wouldn't have needed a lawyer.
Still, no sense in me being negative, it makes me feel worse. I am having a bad few days mood wise.
I will say he wasn't like this in the marriage because it was mainly me that raised the kids and he didn't question anything I did with them then. I think it is one of those separated power games.
Maybe if I act totally detached and 'not bothered' and just don't say anything ever, he'll stop being like that because it doesn't have an effect, and see that I should raise them how I want, too.
It's just hard to be non-emotional about my family and I still feel that the easiest way to have them all is through reconciliation - although I am beginning to think the whole family needs serious therapy.
Jo, It's been a while because I've got my own demons to exorcise but I agree with Ellie. I know you don't like to hear it but unlike most of the people here who are trying to change, heal, and reconcile, your EX isn't. If I pulled some of the tricks he's pulled I'd expect my wife to divorce me. He is operating from a position of weakness and he still tries to control your life. Listen to your friends.
