Well today my phone rang but I knew it was him so I didn't answer. I'd had an emotional day sending dd for her first try at pre-school, I was listening to 'Schindler's List' classical music and thinking about the holocaust because I was already upset about dd so I didn't really want to speak to H just then.
He rang a second time and left a message - I just knew I was right, it was him.
I ignored his message - I so did not want to speak to him. Found an email from him saying
'Can you unblock me or call me, please? Ta.'
I ignored the email.
Then he rang a third time so I answered. Of course, he chose this moment to discuss contact issues so we talked about that and managed to iron out when etc quite nicely with each other.
Then he asked for 8 days holiday with Alicia, which made me lose my temper a bit given the little he lets me be involved with the others, but nonetheless, I said yes, mainly because it's camping which Alicia would like. I however, will be on my own for 8 days
Then he tells me he wants to be involved with dd's pre-school and I DID lose my temper then, because when Lucia went to pre-school, he never even told me which one it was and refused to tell me when I asked. I was not allowed to go there.
I completely broke all DB'ing rules and reeled off a long list of things he'ds done with regards to the kids and how he never lets me into their lives and now he expects me to involve him with Alicia's pre-school?
He didn't get angry back, and didn't even say anything to excuse this, but again stated he wanted involvement with her pre-school, so I said there was no bl**dy way unless he went with me because he'd probably kidnap her. I was fuming!!
He said he would go with me. I said I'd introduce him to her teachers once, and if he let me down with regards to her, even once, I would tell them not to let him in. I reminded him all doors are locked.
He said all that stuff was in the past and he wouldn't do it again. I said I don't believe you - honestly, I was as mad as hell. I said if it was all in the past you'd let me be involved with the others.
He said he could drop her off at pre-school one day as a favour to me. I said I'm not sure about that one. He said I'll drive you to college on Saturday. I said yes to that one.
He asked about my book (I don't know why?) and have I got a publisher for it? I said yes.
He said he knows a publisher so if my publisher falls through, he can tell me the name of the other one. I said okay. This was quite amazing since he hates my book and I'd just spent ages telling him what a pig I thought he was about the kids.
He said see you Saturday and we hung up.
I spent the rest of this night in tears, looking at baby photos of my kids and bawling my head off. Then I sent ex-ow an email with an extract from my book about when I lost the kids and how I try my best for him and this family but just sometimes I want to bury him under the patio.
That probably wasn't the greatest thing to do. I am just missing my babies.
Hopefully he will still take me to college and I won't blow that meeting.
I'm sorry about how rough it was to think about DD4 going away for so long. That would be hard. I am starting to learn about that 'being left behind' experience.
Try setting up some nice plans for yourself during that time - not just work but selfcare and social outings (don't spend the time alone, okay).
When he picks you up on Sat, do your best to act "As-If" he was being wonderful and the sitch was excellent. This will help you to be positive during the outing. H is telling you that he'd like to put the past in the past. Its wise to consider his actions more heavily, but note the appropriate actions clearly if he does as he promises. If this happens, do try to join him on that letting go of the past.
With such sizable hurts in your R with him, Jo, it will be a sizable part of the chance for a new healthy R with him. Both of you have to let the past go.
Hang in there, I understand how you feel, how can you trust again? Like Gabriel I also saw some positives in your H's actions.
He asked about your book. (shows some concern about what you are doing)
He didn't get angry and wants to put the past in the past. (we can't unscramble eggs, so we have to put the past away to start a better future)
He asked to drive you to college. (Means he wants to do something for you and be with you)
I know alot of things cause us to worry, (the "ghosts of the past"). During the D process, W said many mean things to me and I said bad things to her, so if we are to start a new relationship we have to let go of the past. Letting go of the truamatic events of the past can be very difficult, but very rewarding if we can let go.
Keep busy while you are alone and use the time to rebuild your PMA. Maybe get out of the house to do something that would be fun and relaxing that would not be possible if your dd was with you. Go ahead and do something for yourself, its ok to be a little selfish.
I am aware that the hurts are huge and open to the possibility that the damage might be too great. What concerns me most is what it has done to my R with my other dd's. I'm not sure that I will ever feel the same about them again.
LISTEN UP ALL PEOPLE WANTING TO DIVORCE - DON'T DO IT, ALL IT DOES IS DESTROY THINGS FOR YOUR KIDS AND GIVE YOU MORE REASON TO FIGHT.
However, although I know this and deplore some of the stuff he's done, likewise, I don't feel I am mentally ready to lock that door on him, esp. given the really good 4 and a half months we have recently had. When he said he loved me, I believed him and I still do. I just think that both he and I have so many demons from our past, it makes it hard to have a positive present.
The thing that really makes me sad is that on all other levels we get on great. We make a good couple, it's just the kids we argue over. We can't parent together. I blame him for taking them and I think they're mine so he stole them. He blames me for getting depression and thinks they're his. He tells me when to have them and what to do. I say no because that's not enough and it's controlling of him.
So we end up getting nowhere, bickering with each other, damaging our R even more and hurting our kids.
I have no idea what to do about it, sort of DB'ing, and at moments like these, I doubt even that.
I tried the legal route - that just made things worse - and I asked him ages ago if he'd go to family therapy (with the kids present too) but he said no.
DB'ing, although full of pitfalls, had more positives for my sitch than anything else I have tried.
It's just so hard to stay strong all the time.
On the plus side, this strange man I don't know has been constructing me a new website because he knew the other one was offline and he just emailed me today asking me what I think of it! His W is apparently a home eding parent who knows Andy so that's how he knew me and this email came out the blue like an answer to one of my prayers!
Also, I have organised to take part in that university research during the time dd4 is away so that will take up 1 day at least.
Sorry I haven't chimed in on your sitch lately, though I have been lurking and keeping an eye on you. Would you mind stopping by my thread and giving me your opinion on my latest post? I've had a development, not good, and could use your insight.
This morning I open my email box and I find this from Andy:
You are worthy!
"A person's worth is contingent upon who he is, not upon what he does, or how much he has. The worth of a person, or a thing, or an idea, is in being, not in doing, not in having."
-- Alice Mary Hilton
Heal your relationship with MONEY with our 90 day support program.
There was a whole load more stuff about 'inner awareness' - I think my husband might actually be CRAZY!!!!
Would you mind stopping by my thread and giving me your opinion on my latest post? I've had a development, not good, and could use your insight. 