Why don't we drop the co-dependency talk for a bit?
Jo,
I like what Lou said about H working more on the R now.
I imagine that male vs. female LBSs have rather different experiences with issues like acts of service (AOS) and ML. IMHO, female LBSs seem to be able to draw positives out of AOSs occasionally offered by the WAH. The trick here seems to for him to offer and follow thru, then for you to praise him for thinking to do it.
Jo, this is what you need to tweek - let him offer and let him follow thru. If not, have a plan B set up and carry that out without any resentments or expectations toward him. He'll see you got it done w/out him, and this will pull him toward you, especially if you keep the how you got it accomplished mysterious or vague (e.g., it could be an OM, or it could be that you truly don't NEED him anymore).
Positives? He noticed your outfit! And you did a great job pointing out that you had handled your girls just fine w/out his aid.
Think about why you rush in with a request for H to meet. Is it fear/frustration/...? Try to set up an alternative (counting to ten silently, visual stop-sign, deep breathing) so that you reduce this, and then be ready to prompt yourself to reinforce him sizably for his R work.
P.S. I did send for a book and I did note an email getting rejected.
Jo, I'm terribly sorry if I offended you. That was not my intent. You have to do what you know in your heart is best for your family. I truly do admire you for your dedication.
Quote: I could say a lot more but I'm not going to
JO, I hope things go better for you in a day or two. There are some people here that do have an interest in how you feel.
If some one makes a comment you don't like or does not fit at the time, please ignore it. (humble tone implied) You know most of us would not be here if we were not hurting ourself. So consider some comments coming from people with damaged, but well meaning hearts. Not beeing able to talk directly to a person also has its problems. I don't have all of the answers but post the best ones I have. I know you have some good advice and have given it to others.
Hope things go better for you real soon. {{{{{jo}}}}}
You didn't offend me. I understand where you're coming from. My H is selfish with regards to the kids, he always was, but likewise I don't compromise about them either so I am probably just as bad in a different way.
I didn't mind explaining my reasons for not pursuing legal action to you, since you put it fairly, but I objected to other people's tones on here and inferring that there's something abnormal with me for wanting to reunite all of my family.
I wouldn't be on here at all if I wanted to walk away and get even with him.
But as I said, it wasn't you. You are always polite to me even if your opinion is different, which is the point.
Thanks for that. Normally I don't say anything as I understand everyone on here has a wounded heart etc and normally I am mild in temper but I was just completely fuming so I couldn't not say anything at that time.
I was feeling quite good that day because I managed a no sex R with H after he got scared and the normal pattern would be, he would be really nasty to me, we would fight for weeks and then he would come back. This time he got scared, we are still talking. We made up with each other after that row and he's not being horrible. He seems to be sorry and is asking how I am which is totally different to his usual behaviour.
For the first time I have told him he's not getting any sex while it's like this and I have stuck to it and will continue to do so. I have never done this before.
I'm not wearing his jewellery anymore (first time in 3 years) so he has to notice that and I don't automatically invite him in. He just comes in.
So I think some things are definitely different and that I am making an effort to change boundaries.
The reason I am going to college is because I am learning computer stuff and web design so that I don't have to ask him anymore. I am trying to be independent but obviously learning a new skill takes time. When he left he took half the skills I needed for my business with him. I will be qualified myself in a few months and find it really disheartening when I try to make efforts to stand on my own feet and people still get at me.
When he first left, I was hospitalised on suicide watch, with OD's, slash marks across me and dr's forcing me to eat. I couldn't even make myself a cup of tea. It took me 6 months to learn how to do that because the first time I tried, I got two cups out - one for him and one for me, and then I realised what I'd done and I was on the floor sobbing. I refused to make myself drinks in case it happened again.
I've come a long way since then. I've raised a baby on my own (she's almost 3), got over depression and taken my business back. I am TRYING.
I've DB'ed my head off for 2 years and been through hell too and it bugs me to death that some people obviously think that because I give good advice (that's my training) I don't have any feelings.
It's really hard to keep my PMA up when everyone is so negative about me, my H and my kids. H feeds me negative stuff, so do the kids, so does my entire family and now I get it on here too.
Staying centred and focused is so important to me, and I just found myself all tearful and with writer's block on a crucial scene because of this BB.
Jo, Hang in there, from reading your posts I can tell you have moved mountains in the last two yrs. In the future if you can move mountains even half as big as the mountains of the past, you will make huge leaps forward in your R.
Quote: some people obviously think that because I give good advice (that's my training) I don't have any feelings.
Jo, I can feel your joy and pain by the way you write. I know you have feelings.
Rant away Jo, just don't let any one individual or a group of suggestions get you to quit. I know some of my suggestions are not always appropriate because I don't know alll of the facts or how you or Andy will react. Suggeastions are just that, not demands that you should do something as written.
Quote: This time he got scared, we are still talking. We made up with each other after that row and he's not being horrible.
Good Jo. You are making progress.
I am feeling better. Worked most of the day. You hang in there Jo. ("Hang in there" is slang for have Positive mental attitude and keep trying.
I like what Lou said - take all of our advice with a grain of salt, as you are the one with the clearest view of you and H and the DDs. Feel free to tell me to blow it out my 'ear if you don't appreciate my take or presentation.
I get the importance and underlying message of your college courses now. Thanks for the explanation.
I see a bit of myself in H. He has overfocused on your past vulnerabilities, instead of seeing how he contributed in part to them being expressed via his own insufficient support/love of you. Sounds like a lot of attorney talk during the D may have exagerrated this even more.
My take? He really is quite pleased to see you happier, healthy and to see your success taking off with your writing and business, but may not know just how to connect with you in the present. Maybe it'll take both of you letting go of the past more fully and focusing on today's and tomorrow's R goals.
Is the book still pulling you back there, Jo? Or are you done with the tough parts? I wonder if H sees it as an immortalization of his mistakes/'sins' - and sees it at least in part as threatening.
My book does pull me back a lot as when I write, it's like re-living it, which contributes to my mood, but this can have a positive affect as I remember all the good stuff as well so it's harder to get bitter. I don't get all one sided and 'you did this' largely because of the book.
I am writing the final few months and it's very good. I'm very excited about it. This is my biggest project so far.
Andy doesn't think I am immortalising his sins, more the opposite. He is mostly worried about our SL being in the book and possibly on film as I will be approaching film companies also. His response when I first told him about it was
'I know what you're like, when you got your idea for your business, you were all over the TV. I don't want our SL on the National News!'
I laughed and told him to look on the positive side, if we don't work out, then all the women in the UK will want him because women love mean, sexy men so they will all be throwing their knickers at him!
He shutup complaining then so maybe he doesn't think my book is such a bad idea after all
Jo.
PS wish me luck, off to the fertility clinic tomorrow.
And you did a great job pointing out that you had handled your girls just fine w/out his aid.
