I am exhausted and feel a bit ill as I've been travelling on buses on an empty stomach etc.
Your dream could have been prophetic as your XW did get a flat tire, however, cars in dreams also represent a person's life journey and if you were flattening the tire it could be that you are trying to stop her from going down the life path she is currently going down.
Jo.
PS: I know how exhausted you are, jdd. Keep your chin up. I am thinking of you.
Quote: If this doesn't go well, I am going to go and play in the traffic
Denim skirt Jo, wear a top "you" like.
Doing everything for "him" might be too much if "your hoped for results" don't materialize. You might think he should appreciate you going all out for him but I think that is a common flaw people have.
If I theoretically could ask Andy if what you wear influenced his reaction to you and showed him picture A, B and C each with different tops, I suspect he would say they all look nice.
Jo, just look clean, happy, self confident, and _______ fill in the blank. I don't want to see you crushed because you went all out and he failed to react the way you expected or wanted him to act.
Also, if you go all out and it fails or fizzles, you have less emotional energy to spend on the next meeting. Remember baby steps, slow and steady. I suspect the fast stuff makes Andy scared.
OG Lou PS. I am taking a lesson from you. I am dressing a little better myself. Nothing radical. Just wearing my B grade shirt instead of my D grade shirt. PPS. If you need to play in the street, mine does not have much traffic and almost everone drives less than 25 MPH, and they stop for pets in the street. Be safe Jo.
I don't really know what to expect, that's why I'm scared. I can't read him as well at the moment. I mean, he sends me this email and then acts the complete opposite to what he said in the email.
I guess I am hoping he won't be stand offish because that would upset me.
I like all my clothes, I just think that visual impression is important, esp. when we don't see each other all the time.
I think I will wear the pink panther T shirt - and Wez, it is close fitting
Jo, I've read all the posts here and really can't make any sense of your situation. You know I think you're a saint. You've helped some amny others including me. The more I read about you and Andy the more dysfunction I see. Bear with me but I read co-dependency and that's something only you can come to grips with. I'd suggest stop trying to please your X. Lou and dogma offer some sage advice which Andy will respect you more for your independence than your dependency. Hope this helps
What do you do if the co-dependency is on both sides, though?
Remember I had no contact with this man at all for 1 year, so I know I can live without him because I did.
Both of us had psychological evaluations as part of the court stuff and the evaluator said we were both 'mutually psychologically dependent' so what that means is, whenever I try to back away, he pulls me to him, and if he gets cold feet, I get scared so we go round in circles a lot of the time.
It's all very well saying I should realise I'm co-dependant etc, but HE is as dependent on me. We have spent most of our lives together and neither one of us can remember much before the other one was there, aside from very early childhood.
I think the key to this R is to be strong enough to break the cycle and say no to him and then he will realise he has to commit, or if he doesn't, to say goodbye properly and at least know where we stand.
I think it has to be me to be firm because he would never make a decision one way or another.
I had to divorce him because even though he said he wanted a divorce, he wouldn't sign the papers. He didn't sign them in 2 years. They went through without his signature and I eventually put them through court myself because we had been separated so long.
He didn't want to have to be the one to make a decision, so in that respect I think I am the stronger one.
Co-dependency makes you do things to please your spouse and when they're not pleased you are hurt. My W and I were both co-dependent. If I could look on our situation objectively I'd see her vindictive attacks for what they were, her attempt to deal with her co-dependency. As for me, I've got to deal with mine also therefore, from Michelle we read GAL, 180, go dark et. al. all designed not to play games but for me or you or anyone else in our predicament to break the co-dependency. Think of two happily married people when one dies and the survivor cannot live without the deceased. That too is co-dependency. Quite frankly, I thought it was OK until I see the predicament I'm in now. I'm not just co-dependent on my W it's my house, and D15. I've got to break that dependency and so do you, for your own well being, not Andy's. Andy has to break it for himself, you can't help him, or he'll always tar and feather himself with his own brush. It's a viscious circle that when broken makes for two strong individuals who love one another not depend on one another. So much for the theory now I've got to "walk the talk."
You're right that I can't help Andy, but by being the one to make the decisions I can at least help me.
That's why I think it should be me that sets the boundaries.
You are not co-dependent from what I've read. You are in a normal stage of grief. You are going to be attached to your D15, for heaven's sake, she's your daughter, you MADE her!
I know how you feel because you know the auguish I've been through being a non-custodial mother, and of COURSE you want your daughter, that is NORMAL.
If you didn't grieve for what was, and all your dreams that haven't happened the way you wanted, I would think you were ill.
We've all been there on this site, some of us took it harder than others, but nonetheless, we have all experienced the agony of selling up home, splitting up our kids, vicious rows with our ex's, hurt, betrayal etc. Marrige break up is a DEVASTATING thing which has a ripple effect on all other areas of your life and affects every member of your family for the worse, as well as you.
It is far easier to work on a M than it is to get a D. The effects of working on a marriage aren't as devastating as a D. I read in an article that it takes the average person 5 years to reacclimatise (sp?) after a D.
Jo, Your situation really interests me for many reasons. I would like to say that you and Andy have been doing this dance for many years. I think that "you" are the stronger one of the two of you and it will only stop when "you" decide you're tired of the game. I see it as "he will only want you when you don't want him." He uses the girls to control you which I find totally selfish and repulsive. I'm sorry to say this. Instead of expending so much energy on getting him back, I would use it to find a legal and fairer way to be with my girls more. That's just me.
On another note, your patience, willingness to forgive and kindness are overwhelming. I hope that someday you get everything you have coming to you because you are an amazing woman.
