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F&H,

AH! If sharing your feelings is a 180 for you and is working then keep doing it! The DB "rules" are "do what works" -- we don't have to follow some other set of them! If it's working, keep doing it but keep close tabs on the results.

Sage

My H had the same complaints - that I didn't tell him how I felt, or compliment him, or touch him a certain way during , etc. Now I do, and he gets all shy - rather cute! I tell him specific things, like he has a sexy butt, or that I love his muscular arms, and that they make me feel safe when they are wrapped around me. These are huge 180's for me.

I think you need to do what feels right, and what works. Sometimes, I come up with shocking things, that I have never done in our 20 years together, and it sure puts a smile on his face. I find it all rather exciting now - we have a new M, really.

Good luck!

He told me that he feels good when I compliment him, and pay attention to him.
I don't know why I just couldn't take the time to do these things before.
He has also been telling me lately that I look pretty, etc.
In the love languages book, his love language was physical touch and words of encouragement, I ignored his. Now I am starting to pay attention. We had a huge blow up a few weeks ago, and he told me that my lack of compliments and my lack of encouragement towards him made him feel worthless and lonley. We have not been intimate in over 5 months, and it is killing me! I can see how much damage I must have done to him over the years if I am feeling like this now.

I am so glad to hear that.
I am working on my issues, and trying to change the bad habits.
I do not want to return to what we had before. He is making an effort, he tells me that he wants to build the bridge between us, and have a foundation to build on. These words are wonderful to hear, especially since all of the divorce talk was making me ill.
I have to take things one day at a time, and keep praying that we are moving forwards.

How long did it take for him to notice the changes?
Did he respond right away, or did he act kinda wierd as it was new?

Just a quick update on my situation.
Spoke to H yesterday evening, we got into a little tiff about nothing, but resolved it quickly.
He said his intentions were to come home and start fresh.
I am trying not to have any expectations, but I really am a bit excited.
I will keep doing the BD stuff for now, just in case he goes back into one of his moods.
I will let you know what happens on Tuesday when he returns.

Well, Mr. Moody has no recollection of saying anything about starting fresh.
He says that he will not remove divorce as an option.
He says I have put him in a box, and have crossed his boundary about mentioning things.
I never knew about this boundary.
I told him that he had lied again, and seems to have forgotten about the words love and forgivness and is devoid of God in his life.
Supposedly my anxiety problem has nothing to do with him.
He wants us to be friends, and that is all.
I feel like I am having some major headgames played with me.
He said he likes to finally be the one in control of this relationship.
Back to babysteps...............
Sometimes I am wondering if I really want to deal with this B>S anymore.
He says one thing, and does another.
I love him, but I do not deserve this anymore.

I spent my morning praying about my situation.
I can not allow Freds moods to control my life anymore.
If I crossed a boundary, I am sorry.
He fills my head with words of hope, is affectionate to me, and makes me feel so safe and so loved, then he does a 180.
I have toyed with the idea of just going ahead and filing for a separation myself, but I do not want to.
My boundaries are totally disregarded, but his have to be followed to the letter.
I sent him an email telling him that we have made so much progress these past few weeks, lets not blow it with one stupid argument.I have yet to get a response. He turns off his cell phone, and is playing control games with me.
He says he likes being in control, and is finally the one to make the decisions. He is on the verge of being cruel.
He gets this way whenever he is with his friend in California and becomes a total jerk to me.
His friend divorced her husband last year, and now he gets all of his advise from her.I feel really upset, really confused and very rejected.
I am supposed to pick him up from the airport tomorrow morning, and i was really looking forward to him coming home.
Now I am dreading it.
I am trying to put my emotions aside and just get on with my day, but the pain is still there.
I know what he told me, and now he denies it, and tells me that I have taken his words out of context.
His exact words were" I am looking forward to coming home and starting fresh with you".I did not misunderstand anything.
I believe this is all payback for the years of our marriage when I was the control freak and was very unk ind to him.
Now I have made myself vulnerable,and have made so many changes in my life. I am learning to like who I am.
I am dealing with my anxiety issues and seeing a therapist.
What more does he want from me?
What about second chances, what about our 8 kids?
I have truly let down my guard and started loving him in the way I was supposed to.
now I feel like a f***ing idiot,and a fool.
Please keep me in your prayers.
I am having a really hard time, and still have to deal with making a nice Memorial Day for the kids, plus my Mother in law will be here on Thursday for an extended visit.
I am so overwhelmed with everything, and I have nowhere to turn.
I have become something that I wanted to be, a nicer person, in touch with my feelings, vulnerable and honest.
Look where it has gotten me???

I spent my morning praying about my situation.
I can not allow Freds moods to control my life anymore.
If I crossed a boundary, I am sorry.
He fills my head with words of hope, is affectionate to me, and makes me feel so safe and so loved, then he does a 180.
I have toyed with the idea of just going ahead and filing for a separation myself, but I do not want to.
My boundaries are totally disregarded, but his have to be followed to the letter.
I sent him an email telling him that we have made so much progress these past few weeks, lets not blow it with one stupid argument.I have yet to get a response. He turns off his cell phone, and is playing control games with me.
He says he likes being in control, and is finally the one to make the decisions. He is on the verge of being cruel.
He gets this way whenever he is with his friend in California and becomes a total jerk to me.
His friend divorced her husband last year, and now he gets all of his advise from her.I feel really upset, really confused and very rejected.
I am supposed to pick him up from the airport tomorrow morning, and i was really looking forward to him coming home.
Now I am dreading it.
I am trying to put my emotions aside and just get on with my day, but the pain is still there.
I know what he told me, and now he denies it, and tells me that I have taken his words out of context.
His exact words were" I am looking forward to coming home and starting fresh with you".I did not misunderstand anything.
I believe this is all payback for the years of our marriage when I was the control freak and was very unkind to him.
Now I have made myself vulnerable,and have made so many changes in my life. I am learning to like who I am.
I am dealing with my anxiety issues and seeing a therapist.
What more does he want from me?
What about second chances, what about our 8 kids?
I have truly let down my guard and started loving him in the way I was supposed to.
now I feel like a f***ing idiot,and a fool.
Please keep me in your prayers.
I am having a really hard time, and still have to deal with making a nice Memorial Day for the kids, plus my Mother in law will be here on Thursday for an extended visit.
I am so overwhelmed with everything, and I have nowhere to turn.
I have become something that I wanted to be, a nicer person, in touch with my feelings, vulnerable and honest.
Look where it has gotten me???

FaH, it's good to pray about your situation. I found that praying helped to calm me, and give me a different perspective.

It took quite some time for my H to notice any changes in me, and even more time for him to respond in a positive way - I am talking several months. DB'ing takes time and patience.

It sounds like your H is very confused, and uncertain of what he wants. So, you must be absolutely sure of yourself, and take good care of yourself. Realise that you can control only yourself, and no-one else. Try and avoid R talks, unless he brings it up, and then contribute only minimally - mostly acknowledge what he says, and that you will think about his concerns, etc. I think having a R with a single woman, and visiting her is a huge thing, and I wonder how he expects you to respond to that? Talk about crossing boundaries. How would he feel if you went off to visit a male friend?

I'm at work, but will check back tonight, but thought I would respond to your thread. I know what it's like when one gets little or no response. Stay strong, for yourself and your children, and ultimately, for your H (because he is weak now).