Kinda went thru the same thing...when i was back in Canada for a break from all this drama, and when my H said he wanted to work on us and stop with OW he had the nerve to bring up the OW...." She's a good person, and about to get hurt"...to ME. I said I don't really care about her getting hurt, because somewhere along the line she wasn't thinking about me in all of this...that I was going to get hurt. H ended that call pretty quickly, and I called him back and said look ...what did u expect, that's hard for me to hear u talk like that about her.
Well that was a month ago...and he's back with her after I came back and he changed his tune. I really hope for u that your H does pull his head out of his a$$, mine doesn't seem like he's going to, and still doubt it will happen when the baby is born. He just broke our living arrangement...which was no more back and forth...either he sleeps here at night or at her place. Well he didn't come home this weekend, after crying last weekend that this was the place he wanted to be in case something happened ( labour ) in the middle of the night.
BTW I read one of your posts to someone else that u r in Asia...me too. I'm in Taiwan. How about u? ( if u don't mind me asking ). I find this all much harder to deal with because I'm away from my family in Canada... just that extra touch of loneliness.
Hi GLJ - Am in Malaysia. About 5 hours flight to Taiwan. Families (both mine and in-laws) are very supportive of me. MIL just told me that she is disgusted with her son...which in a way, is kinda sad for H. He was quite a mommy's boy.
Sorry to hear that you had to go through this alone in a foreign country and have a little one on the way. Must be really quite hard. Hope you can hang in there and hopefully your H will come to his senses soon. Or perhaps a big elephant might fall from the sky and break his skull and knock some senses into his brain? (sorry for the corny humour)
I think my H is kinda unsure about this. Think he is not really confident that he can keep away from OW. The worse is that she works in the same company. So, the pull is sooo great. Even before he said he broke off with her, he was swinging like a pendulum. Wanting her one minute, and then the family the next. Your H sounds very much similar in this aspect.
I am really quite tired of the whole situation...trying to be nice and understanding to his pain when he has hurt me so much. *sigh* ...Sherry said that it would be even harder than before...but I am not going to dwell too much on this...and continue to GAL and have PMA.
GLJ - will catch up with you later...am rushing off to lunch now.
I'm glad that you have the support of both families. I never met my H's mother, she died a year into our relationship. His father I've met several times ( never married his mother and left her pregnant...hmmm ) and I like him a lot and he likes me. I don't think he knows our sitch. He lives on an acreage in the states with no phone, just writes a few letters here and there. Before I left for Canada my H had a letter written out for him saying we were having problems, don't know if H sent it, and don't know if H modified it by saying 'exactly' what he's been doing..ie cheating. A part of me wants to write him to tell him myself, but it's not my place I guess. Would surely piss off H.
As for OW, if H did drop her, she'd still be around. She started working out at the same gym as him when this all started. Plus, there are the regular hang outs where all the foreigners gather here so I'm sure he'd run into her a lot, as would I. I know when my H was thinking of calling things off with her he still wanted to be 'friends' with her. Completely unacceptable in my book. My H really doesn't know how women think, does he? She's already lost all her friends over this and now all she has is him...and if he ever broke it off I think she would go psycho ( her ex-friends told me she has a lot of issues she's been avoiding ).
I can't help but think my H is a manipulator. He told her not to cave to what her friends were saying. Hmmm...What did her friends have to gain by telling her this is not right, nothing...they were just concerned for their friend. What did my H have to gain... everything by isolating her and getting the nookie and attention he wants from her. He preyed on her loneliness here, and she was an opportunist as well, because they started off as friends and then she jumped on the info he confided to her. God, I almost sound like I'm sorry for her... the day will come when it all crumbles down and that is her problem then, not mine.
I believed that despite our R problems we could work things out...so much harder when there is a third party involved.
In the meantime just waiting for this baby to pop out ( due June 19th ) but doc says usually babies are early... 38th, 39th week. Then at least I'll have the baby to focus on, get back in shape, and finally be able to go out on the town for the first time in 9 months...can't wait.
GLJ - My FIL was also a serial cheater. According to my MIL, she had to experience three horrible episodes. The first one was when she was pregnant with my H. She forgave him over and over again. Until the most recent one..whe she found out, he had two children with the OW. She just couldn't tolerate any further. So, for my MIL, it was a double blow. First, her H and now her son. She never ever thought that her beloved son, who seemed so smart and wise would fall into his father's footsteps. Whenever my H and I talked about our R and how kids would be affected etc, and how he would "forget" about his kids once he goes off with the OW, he would launch into a mega-defense. All I had to say was "well, you want to like your father...well, what has your father given you?" And that would normally shut him up.
You just take care of your baby...Once baby comes..all your energy and mind will be focussed on the baby. Just forget your H for the time-being. Perhaps he may be so overwhelmed by your new baby, it may jolt him his senses. Take good care, okay?
Stupid H just called me at work. Still harping about wanting to go to Tibet and be a monk. Saying that he needs to be away from it all. BUT, also asking if he can bring a partner (as in implying the OW). What is wrong with this stupid man? I just told him "Do I need to hear all this??? If you want to go, just go". Seriously, am quite fed-up.
I am not supposed to ask questions, be understanding etc etc..but what is this a@@hole doing by continuing bringing up his need to be away, and also to bring his b$%ch to his monkhood??? I need to bash his head. But again, I will just ignore his nonsense and concentrate on myself. SO, got to get to work now...later
One more thing that stupid H said to me on Saturday..."One night, when you hugged me, and I turned over and kissed you and said I love you....I thought it was her". Bl@@dy hell!!!??? Do I need to know that? As if stabbing me with all other hurtful things he said was not enough to kill me. He had to say some more. I think what H is trying to do is to drive me crazy and then tell him to get out of the house. But nooooo, I am not gonna let him have the pleasure. I am still quite composed, and will continue to tell him that it is his choice.
Wow - you ar dealing with some harsh sH%T from your H. I can't believe he's saying this stuff.
It makes me wonder about his motivation? As horrible as the things he says are, it's more important "why" he's saying them. I mean, unless he has some mental disorder, he knows they're cruel.
Is he testing your devotion? Is he trying to 'prove' that the new DBing you is not real? Does he trust you so much that he feels like he can confide anything in you? Is he looking for a reaction?
We can't know the answers. But his actions are what counts (he broke it off with her and hasn't actually entered the monkhood - besides, I think they have pretty strict application policies, still lives with you, for better or for worse he's still communicating his feelings and status to you). I'd say ignore what he says the same way we ignore it when our kids say we're mean mommies for not letting them run in the street.
Anna - I really don't know what is his motivation of telling me all those things. Perhaps to push for a reaction so great from me that I will shout "GET OUT! GET OUT!"?, which I won't, of course. I don't really don't know what are his intentions.
He does seem like he has lost his marbles. Yesterday, called me at work and told me that he wants to be a monk, and wonders if he can bring a partner (OW???) with him. I actually sent him a website that assesses one's readiness to be a monk, friar, nun etc. Also sent him a contact for a spiritual retreat to the Himalayas in India. Don't know if he considered that as being sacarstic. On my part, if you tell me you want to be a monk, okay, I'll be the supporting wife, and get you the necessary information.
Last night, he went out for drinks. And he called me up at home and said "You and OW are in trouble. I just had a few drinks, and I am looking at every single woman that walked past!". I answered very calmly "I am not in trouble. OW is. Cheat on me with her or with some other woman, makes no difference. Anyway, I don't really care. Just make sure you deposit money to pay for the mortgage". And then he came home " gave me a peck on my lips, and went off. Not long later, came and slept next to me and wanted to talk and asked if I wanted s#x. I was like "no...I am sleeping". I am so numb already, I really don't want to listen to his nonsense. If he wants to talk about his day - fine. But about his floosy...no can do. And he wonders "why are you sooo upset?". I am like "Hello? If you want to talk about her, can you please find a friend to talk to? I really don't want to hear about it. I am not your friend. I am your wife!". Anyway, we did talk abit about the boys.
This morning, he seems to have gotten a little bit of his marbles back. Talking more sensibly...about his job, his co-worker, and him finding an alternative job....
