Back from my short trip with the girls. Had to say that the first two days was fun. Went for massages, did my nails...went shopping...went to a rooftop bar... But felt really miserable and depressed on the last day. The place that we went,.... brought back so many memories...good memories of H and I. We had so much fun as a family. *sigh*
H got back a day later. We had a short chat. He clarified about the OW blah blah blah. He is still weighing out his options. On one hand, he is saying that he will leave his job to leave the OW. But on the other hand, he is also contemplating of the steps to take to leave the family. He did say that things wouldn't be the same if he stayed..so why stay? And if he stays, it would be for the boys. At that point, I started to tear and re-affirmed that there is nothing left in our 18 year relationship. And he said " No, no...we can work on that. We can leave this place and start anew". So, basically, he is contradicting himself...swinging like a pendulum. *sigh*
He was even jokingly said that perhaps he could get one BIG house and all of us could live together in the house. Him, the boys, me and the OW and perhaps her children??? Geez...he has lost his marbles. Think he is waiting for me to throw him out so that he doesn't have to make any decisions. Have repeatedly told him calmly that everything would be his decision and responsibility, and I will not take part in it. Once he has made up his mind, I in turn will then know what to do for the family and myself...either with or without him.
He tried to ask his younger son some hypothetical questions..and S5 was telling him "you don't love me..if you don't stay with me"...
We were supposed to go away for a family trip on the 9th of June. He told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go with us. Last night at dinner, S8 asked if he was coming with us. And H said, "err not too sure". S8 said "Even if you say NO, I am going to force you to go.." and he answered "err..okay". So, I don't know ...if he is gonna come with us or not.
He did ask me to tell my mom...not my dad, but my mom. He said "No, I am not moving out. BUt your mom should know". Perhaps he thinks my mom will scream and him and ask him to leave...and that would help in his decision. But my mom will not do that of course.
I am getting rather numb now...will take one day at a time...
Think my R with H is really whacko....here he is still living at home, still initiating s@x, we still talk in a very civil way, still acting like we are a proper family; and at the same time, he is still seeing the OW, and contemplating what to do...to leave her or to leave the family.
Not too sure if I am still DB'ing...he says I am being rather sarcastic. He was letting go one of his staff and felt really bad, and mentioned that he is trying to get the guy another job at a different company to clear his conscience. I said jokingly "well, in that case, perhaps you can find your replacement that will fit the bill as my lover and as the boys' dad!". He was absolutely not happy with my little joke. I do find my little humour gives me great relief.
Anyway, I am still waiting for his decision patiently. No, I have not given him any time frame nor ultimatum. Friends have been saying that perhaps I need to give a time frame. I don't know if a time frame is such a good idea. What do you all think?
H called me up at work. First time, asked me how I was..gave him a short answer that I was fine, and said bye. He called me again about 5 minutes later...and told me that he was tired of the sitch. I asked if anyone had called him up to lecture him. He said no. He said he is contemplating of an overseas posting to clear his mind abit. We continued our conversation over IM. He said he is in a mess, and I told him that I felt sorry for him for feeling that way. I mean, H was always a very decisive person; and now reduced to an emotional wreck. He did say that he missed us more than the OW when he was away on his business trip. Don't know how true but will take it as the truth. He also said that he felt that it was no longer something between him and the OW, it seems to be more of him alone. I agreed with him, and suggested that he talked to someone that could just listen to him impartially. Rather than friends or relatives whom will be biased. He thanked me for my support of his "mess", and told me to remind him to not look at any more girls if he get out of this alive! Told him that he shouldn't make his decision now, considering that he isn't himself.
Neither do I. These things don't work out according to time frames.
A time frame, or ultimatum, are probably better used when you've decided that you've done all you can, given it plenty of time and things have stayed status quo, and whatever happens at the end of that time frame or ultimatum is something you can live with happily. I think that's the criteria, rather than, for instance, you've run out of patience.
It kind of depends on how you view the time frame. If it's not meant to be an ultimatum, but a time out, it might be helpful.
With my H, he was tormenting himself with trying to decide. Every day his family (and pre-DBing, me) was saying 'What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?" He couldn't move onto important questions about what he truly wanted in life, what went wrong etc with everyone asking him to decide on the ending.
The day I said gently "Let's take the summer and figure ourselves out" it's like his heart opened up. He could stop trying to decide (and naturally, constant pressure had been making him want out, so the relief was a bonus for me) and suddenly could focus on the real problem (not just the stay/go issue).
He now knows that I'm not looking for an answer every time he sees me and our R is getting more and more friendly every contact. He now speaks in "we" while I still say "I" or "You". He is no closer to coming home, but he seems to feel at ease around me now.
It helps to ease guilt and pressure, which are two of the biggest factors in their resistance to the M ("How can I stay married when this is all I feel around her?")
I guess a time frame has no consequences, unlike an ultimatum. It's just "how about we do the work we need to do, and we'll revisit it in a few months".
It's hard with pressure from families and friends who make you feel humiliated for not putting your foot down about OW. That's how I felt and I gave him an ultimatum and now he lives with his parents. I regret it because I miss him. But I find that if you ignore OW's existence and approach it as the need to work on yourselves as individuals and to see how it will change the R people are more supportive.
NY & Anna - Thanks for the reaffirmation. I do know that giving a time frame would not be a good idea, but internal emotions and impatience kept on prodding on my mind to ask for confirmation.
It is really really so difficult; and am just getting day-by-day to see how each day goes. This morning, heard sniffles from H. Thought he had a cold but then realised he was crying! My normal self would have said something but I kept quiet till he was done with his sniffles and was ready to get out of bed. Seeing him like this really broke my heart. I wanted so much to tell him that if it made him feel a whole lot better, than he should go to her. BUT I kept quiet. I thought about my boys needing a father...and that made me zip-up my mouth and throw away the key. *sigh* He is such a decisive person, and now he is such an emotional wreck.
If you ask me, the OW certainly does not love him. How could she allow him to be in such sorry state? Making him leave his family? Think he is playing tennis with her tonight....OKAY OKAY...I have to stop talking about the OW and stop being obsessed with her. STOP !!!
As I said, will take one day at a time. Am gonna bring my boys to watch STAR WARS tomorrow. H says he will come along.
We'll see how it goes...It's been almost two months ...another day goes by...
Quote: Thought he had a cold but then realised he was crying! My normal self would have said something but I kept quiet till he was done with his sniffles and was ready to get out of bed.
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Crying is good. It means he's conflicted, unsure, and not tap-dancing at the idea of ending your marriage. I'd love to see that level of regret from H.
Quote: I thought about my boys needing a father...and that made me zip-up my mouth and throw away the key.
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Good for you. That's what I need to focus on. My kids need their Daddy, so I can't give in to my frustration (which is clearly getting the better of me tonight).
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If you ask me, the OW certainly does not love him. How could she allow him to be in such sorry state?
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Isn't that the truth? These are not good women!! They are lousy pieces of filth. That our Hs think they could compete with us? Pathetic!! Affairs are too selfish and destructive to be considered love. No matter what our idiot WASs think.
Wow - this is a whole bitter side to me that I'm not used to. It's kind of ugly and creepy.
Anna - Thanks for your words. Sometimes I think if he is crying because he is ready to end the M. I guessed I really have to stop speculating.
Yes!!!!! I really like the part on the women being "lousy pieces of filth". Changed my frown into a smile. I am really so glad that I could voice out and share all this on this Board. I think although friends sometimes listen and be compassionate, but I think they do get fed-up of listening to me barraging on and on about my pathetic H and his dalliances with the OW.
I am really glad that we can support each other in these HARD times.
He was letting go one of his staff and felt really bad, and mentioned that he is trying to get the guy another job at a different company to clear his conscience. I said jokingly "well, in that case, perhaps you can find your replacement that will fit the bill as my lover and as the boys' dad!". He was absolutely not happy with my little joke. 