THanks for all of the positive thoughts. I am taking everything one day at a time. My concern is about cancer, and the blood work showed a low white count (is that good or bad???). It was low at my physical in Feb as well. I am not really afraid, because I don't think that is the problem, but it was a concern that I hoped would dissapear today.
I am feeling pretty good about things. I know that if the MRI is normal, that things are fixable without any real side effects. Doc said that the lack of body fat and cholesterol were more significant factors inhibiting testosterone production than my previous soy intake, but agreed that the phytoestrogens certainly weren't helping matters.
I 'd like to feed the squirrel some bad nuts and send him flapping. (how can W be attracted to him??? We are physical opposites) I can't help but wonder what is going on with the PA. W definitely seems nicer, and she has been coming home for dinner (when she comes home) I know she was really working both of the last two "away" times. The house she is working on is around 7000sf, and has been in the works for many months. It looks like she will be gone ALL of next week, since the house closes on Thursday, and the owner wants to move in on Friday. I offered my assistance over the weekend, but I know she won't take me up on it.
I will keep on keepin' on. I don't have much choice, because I am not the type to turn tail and run. (nowhere to run to anyway)
I don't know if this is any consolation or not but think about this....
You're W seems to be much more the human being you once knew right now doesn't she? Sure, you two may not be physical right now, but she's calling you, she's answering the phone when you call, she's showing concern, she responds to some physical touch by you etc. I'm wondering if she's been around the squirrel much lately at all....seems like when she's around him she becomes shrewish in her behavior, not like she's behaving right now.
I'm wondering if your behavior is beginning to result in her backing away from him.
HD, I think you are right about the cancer, and I think that the low count with cancer is caused by the treatment, not the disease (csw, MD)
GEL, I think W may be beginning to realize that I am not trying to save the M for any reason other than her. At first, she always said it was because I wanted the house, or didn't want to change my lifestyle. Now she sees that I haven't stopped loving her, and she seems confounded.
Her response to my physical touch was definitely mixed. She pulls away, but not always. She kisses back, but just barely. I am not reading too much into anything yet. The fact that she didn't jump backwards away from me is a good sign, if only because she is unwilling to hurt my feelings. Even that is a big step compared to recent attitudes. I will let her know how much I want her, at every opportunity. (though they are infrequent, the opportunities show from time to time.)
I am hopeful that W's moral compass is being recalibrated to true north. She was pretty skewed for awhile, (like a 180) I think that when she spends time with MIL, she gets a dose of morality. FIL will encourage the D until the very end, IMO. OM is definitely going through some difficulties, with his living arrangements and such. Hopefully those troubles will trip up his plans.
W came home before dark tonight. We chatted a bit and then I cooked dinner. At one point I pulled her close and kissed her. She pulled back just a bit and said my name, as if to question what I was doing. I said her name back, and she smiled and chuckled a bit. I kissed her again, and told her I wanted her, repeated those steps again, and she put her head down a bit, touching her forehead to mine. She didn't respond to me when I said I wanted her the second time, so I pulled away , said I realize that she didn't want me, and started to pull away some more. She held my hand and pulled me close and hugged me. She was crying a bit, and she said that she wanted to keep it light today because she was exhausted from cleaning the huge house. I apologized, and said it is hard when I am so close to her when I want her so badly. She said "quite literally" and we laughed a bit. I told her to sit down, and I rubbed her shoulders until dinner was done. We ate, then watched Lost. She was fading fast, so I told her to go ahead to bed and I would take care of the dinner dishes. I peeked my head into her room (I HATE saying that) and said goodnight. She had been nursing her wrists tonight, so I offered to get the wrist braces (from my carpel tunnel bout) She was thankful. I told her that if she was doing windows this weekend, no matter what she said, I would be there helping her.
She said she was going to sleep at home until Tuesday night, and then would be gone until Friday. As much as I hated her being mean to me, it is just as hard when she is nice but absent.
Her earlier cruelty was certainly making large withdrawals from my love bank, but I am realizing that there is still a decent balance. She is much more talkative lately, and rather than mumbling when I said it was good to spend time with her tonight, she actually verbally agreed that it was good to spend time with me.
I'll say again that I am not reading too much into the new changes. I can't feel too good about things until we are around the corner and down the road a bit. I do know that my heart and my head are only loosely connected at times, and I hope that this isn't one of those times. False hope right now is the last thing I need.
Quote: False hope right now is the last thing I need.
Well then I won't give it to you . I did want to say I admire how you're hanging in there. It does look from the outside that your W is 'testing the waters'. It also sounds to me too that she's not seeing OM.
But I think you're right that you should still keep things low key and keep doing what you're doing!
What a nice exchange between the two of you. I understand now wanting to have the false hope...so just accept the evening for what it was...pleasant and better than it had been, an improvement.
. I did want to say I admire how you're hanging in there. It does look from the outside that your W is 'testing the waters'. It also sounds to me too that she's not seeing OM. 
