I still maintain that he needs to SAY that he wants her..he needs to demonstrate that he has changed in this regard or the chance of her coming back is slim. However, I see your point of backing off actually doing the deed until the rest of the R is repaired.
JJ, Technically speaking, to ML with W at this point would be to condone her A, and I don't want to do that. Also, if she won't answer my condom question, it ain't happenin'. I let her know that I missed her and wanted her, and at this point, that is all I can do until she begins to show some willingness to work. As far as the reply after the doctor's appt, I told her that I would look into every option to eliminate the problem, but that I didn't think a lifetime of treatment was necessary to get me back on track. I also told her that my drinking etc probably had an effect on libido beyond the effects of low testosterone. That would fall under the diet changes...
HP, You weren't in the sack with OM at the point your M changes were initiated (you have a great sense of right and wrong). W doesn't give two hoots about whether I want to ML with her right now. Her needs are being met, and her love meter is bouncing off of the backside of the pin. I thought I knew OM, but clearly, I wasn't seeing the whole picture. I think the nickname squirrel came from my reference to his new physique, after dropping 80 pounds, I suggested that he probably looked like a flying squirrel. Not a nice thing to say, but I was angry at that time. It is a pity that all of you folks are so far away. The party will be a good time. BTW, I did tell W I wanted her, after I kissed her neck, put my hand on her heart and said I missed being in her heart, I said I wanted her and wanted to be in her heart again (sometimes memory is a nebulous thing).
NOP just about nailed my concerns re: ML with W. It will be a little while, (if W makes the move that way) before I can look at her and not have the replay going in my head. I am glad I never saw them together, or I fear I would be permanently scarred.
Andy, IHJ and NOP were pretty accurate in answering for me. W and I have been together for nearly 14 years, and have lived together for 13 of those years. IOW, 40% of my life has been spent with her. I am not willing to turn away from that history because of her horrendous mistake. Not yet, anyway. She recently said she was unhappy for three or four years. Her unhappiness drove her to stop thinking clearly. I am not even trying to make excuses for her. What I am saying is that my contributions to our R problems were great enough for me to offer her a bit of leiniency, should she realize soon the depth of her mistake. My first reaction after D-day was to want to drop everything and run out of town, nuking OM on the way. But I am not a violent person, and I am not a quitter. W's entire personality has changed, and she does not remotely exhibit the quality of character that she once embodied. To me, this is the strongest reason for sticking with it a while longer. She will come to her senses soon enough, and she already stated that she hates lying, that it is eating her up. There will come a time when the lying and the forced mean spirited actions will take such a toll on her spirit that she must change her ways. I would like to stick around until then, if I can take it that long.
I will continue to make it clear to W that I want her, and want to save our M. I will give my best effort to persevere. My GAL plan is helping to quiet the thoughts that were killing my spirit. My hope is that W will see me getting stronger everyday, and realize what she is missing. Her circle of friends has dwindled dramatically. She has grown closer to her family, but beyond that, she really only talks to OM and a few people at work. I am expanding my circle of friends every day. I am getting back in touch with old friends, and making new ones. I am trying my best to continue my artwork, and other forms of expression.
Work went well today. I listed more today than the last two days combined, and some were big ticket items, so I stand a good chance at getting the larger of the two sales bonuses. If I crank tomorrow, it will be in the bag.
I suppose I should figure out what to make for the party. I already know a few things, like feta walnut dip, guacamole, artichoke dip, grilled fish. The guys offered to bring some sides and the meat items. One carboy is still bubbling, but the other is ready to keg. I hope the bubbler isn't getting funky.
Sorry for the novella, but there is so much to say, and there were so many good points to discuss today.
Quote: I also told her that my drinking etc probably had an effect on libido beyond the effects of low testosterone.
Etc. is a real libido killer. I heard tales of etc. killing the drive of guys back when I was too young to be hearing tales of guys with dead drives. I agree that the etc. is the first thing you should give up. When they teach kids about etc. in Health class they really ought to highlight this fact.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I have been following your posts and wish you the best re your marriage. You have been amazing in your ability to stand tall.
I have a somewhat unrelated question - how do you set up a new thread with a link to an old thread? (Just to be clear, I know how to set up a new thread but not how to put in a link to a previous thread).
Thanks very much Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
DL, You start the new thread as normal, click the URL button in the Intant UBB code array (it is right under the text box for posts and replies, upper left corner of the array.) Paste the url from the thread you wish to link to, (open the thread in a window, right click anyhwhere in the window, selsect properties, and then copy all of the url info from the window that pops up, (middle of the window).) After you paste the URL, fill in the page title(whatever you want to call it) It is pretty straight forward.
JJ said:
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I thought etc. might be a problem as soon as you mentioned that you were a Taj Mahal fan
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That boy just need a mess o them "Catfish Blues".
"Oh I wish,
I was a catfish,
Swimmin in the deep blue sea.
I'd have all you good lookin women,
swimmin after me,
swimmin after me."
:-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I meant to add - have a great dinner party this weekend - it sounds like a very positive step for you personally (and can't hurt to show W that you have friends with whom you share a good relationships).
Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
I can't say that I have heard "catfish blues", but now that you sang a bar or two for me, I need to look into it. Were you singing the Jimi Hendrix version or the Lightin' Hopkins original?
The bit you sent made me think of Joe Strummer's Silver and Gold, (slightly)
I'm gonna go out dancin' every night I'm gonna see all the city lights I'll do everything silver and gold I got to hurry up before I grow too old
I'm gonna take a trip around the world I'm gonna kiss all the pretty girls I'll do everything silver and gold And I got to hurry up before I grow too old
Oh I do a lotta things I know is wrong Hope I'm forgiven before I'm gone It'll take a lotta prayers to save my soul And I got to hurry up before I grow too old
I'm gonna take a trip around the world Gonna kiss all the pretty girls Who do everything silver and gold And I got to hurry up before I grow too old
I'm gonna go out dancin' every night I'm gonna see all your city lights I'm gonna do everything silver and gold And I got to hurry up before I grow too old
I am now going to keg the beer. I hope it is tasty, or I will need to go buy some. The thing about anything like this is, the longer you wait between occaisions, the more awkward it is when you finally get around to doing it. (It sounds like I am actually saying something SSM related )
)