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#466920 04/29/05 12:08 PM
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Follow the Crumbs

I managed to rope you folks into helping me fill another thread, while we sort out the crud in my head.

I am in a better place today. Yesterday morning was tough, but the day improved (after a bit of steering, thanks)

W called me last night at 11:15. She said she was just arriving at SILs house. She had 4 houses to clean, and started very late, stopping midday to watch one of our nephews for 1.5 hours, so her timing seems accurate. She was nice, and we talked for a few minutes about this and that. I was glad that she called, since I had fallen asleep in a chair in the living room.

I can't worry too much about her plans for the rest of the weekend. She will continue to make up her own mind (hopefully without the help of OM) I will keep shining my little light, and praying that she follows it home.

I fixed the power hammer yesterday. Yipeee, she blows again! It leaks air like a seive right now, so I will still have some tidy work (er tighty work) but I know it functions again.

I ate soo much yesterday, I am bound to gain weight. 2 bowls of granola, two egg sandwich, chocolate, dozen cookies, two huge slices of seafood pizza, and a big eclair. I don't know squat about calories, but that seemed like a lot of food.

Today is fixing to be a nice day, and I will make the most of it.


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csw,
I have to agree with HP that your only chance to get through this is letting go. Sometimes it's as simple as deep breating and doing nothing while you wait for your thoughts to calm down. I know I say simple and doing nothing is the hardest thing to do when you are experiencing a firestorm of thoughts and feelings. But you've shown over and over that you are capable. You are standing strong in the midst of emotional turmoil and you are doing an exemplary job. Your stance is affecting your W. Keep up the good work, csw. As always you are in my prayers.


I don't mind the sun sometime The images it shows I can taste you on my lips And smell you in my clothes Cinnamon and Sugar And softly spoken lies You never know just how you look Through someone elses eyes BHS-"Pepper"
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This is truly the most difficult thing I have experienced in my entire life. I alternate between complete desperation and mild hope. I understand the need to let go, I just don't clearly see the path that takes me there.

I look forward to starting the job next week. I will be able to fill my mind with mundane things, and bury this desperate voice for a while each day.

Thanks for the prayers.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Van Morrison
Brand New Day

When all the dark clouds roll away
And the sun begins to shine
I see my freedom from across the way
And it comes right in on time
Well it shines so bright and it gives so much light
And it comes from the sky above
Makes me feel so free makes me feel like me
And lights my life with love

Chorus:
And it seems like and it feels like
And it seems like yes it feels like
A brand new day, yeah
A brand new day oh

I was lost and double crossed
With my hands behind my back
I was longtime hurt and thrown in the dirt
Shoved out on the railroad track
I’ve been used, abused and so confused
And I had nowhere to run
But I stood and looked
And my eyes got hooked
On that beautiful morning sun

Chorus

And the sun shines down all on the ground
Yeah and the grass is oh so green
And my heart is still and I’ve got the will
And I don’t really feel so mean
Here it comes, here it comes
0 here it comes right now
And it comes right in on time
Well it eases me and it pleases me
And it satisfies my mind

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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I am filling the day with constructive work, and de-weeding the asparagus beds in the process. I also weeded the hop beds, and picked all but a couple of shoots. I steamed the picked shoots and cooked them in an omlette, and they were quite tasty. It is the first year that I was able to eat the hop shoots, but it looks like it will be a repeat, as there seem to be hundreds of shoots popping out.

Does letting go mean not calling W at all? I know it has ben recommended to not call her, but I couldn't help myself today. I wanted to tell W about the hop lunch, since it is something that we have talked about in the past. We had a nice conversation, a brief 12 minutes in comparison to her normal marathon talks. I wanted to keep it light, positive, and quick. She was nice, and seemed pleased to hear from me, (I guess, a fair guess since she actually answered her phone). I don't know if it was the best thing for me to do, but I gave her a dose of me, and she can think about that while she works, until she talks to OM again.

I am going to a friends for dinner tonight, a good diversion for my head. If I fill the moments, I think it will get easier. (gee, where did I hear that????)


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Hey csw--
Just checking in. Have a good weekend. I'll try to do the same.

My W and I just got back from our C. She has started the time clock. One month. She is moving out June 1...already has the apartment. And, I'm pretty sure an OM. I'm not sure how she afforded the deposit for the place. I guess another discussion of trust and lies is in the works for tonight.

Anyway, LOVE those weekends. We'll drink to each other!

Take care.
K

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W called me tonight from SIL's, and said she was staying there again tonight. I know she was there for certain, due to the nephew noise. I am uncertain if she was there for the rest of the weekend, nor do I care. She said she had some thinking to do. I asked if she saw OM, and she said that she saw him today. I asked what she was thinking, and then retracted my question, since I didn't really want to know, and I certainly didn't want to get into an R talk on the phone with nephew(2) holding the phone.

I feel much better about myself and my life when she is not here (although the departure is hard) When I hear her voice, it brings up the pain. When I see her face, it brings up the pain.

I pulled out our wedding album and looked through it today. Oh, to turn back the clock.... I suppose I should put it away, since I don't want her to think I am pining away for her every day.

I told her that I was eating the first batch ever of our own homegrown asparagus tomorrow for dinner. ( I deserve it after weeding all 60+ feet for the first time since LAST spring) I said that there may be enough for two, if she shows up, but not to expect any leftovers. She said she would be home "by 7".

I signed up for a yoga class and a creative writing class at the local "family wellness center" The writing class is called "writing to heal" I have had several creative writing classes, so I don't expect much from it, beyond meeting people. W acted like it was weird that I was taking a yoga class. I always told her she should take a class, for years, and she finally did when the stuff hit the fan. I have chronic neck shoulder and back pain from pounding metal all of the time, and I am stiff as a board. I figure if I can get more limber, I will be less prone to injury (and I will meet people).

W sounds like a stranger. It is making the move-on easier. I wish she would move out for a while, and move in with the squirrel. Then she would see him in a new light, and I would get my head straight without her pulling me down. The bottom is where you choose to hit it, and I hit bottom on 4/28. I am done (said it before) letting her drag me down (say it again) I am done trying to change her. I am done trying to change for her.

I am a catch, and she dropped me. I'll be a catch again, better than before.


Out in the dark
I'm going to let it shine
Oh, out in the dark
I'm going to let it shine
Hallelujah
Out in the dark
I'm going to let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

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csw,
Bravo, you are letting go. You are getting stronger and that will serve you well weather your marriage survives or not. Hang tough, my friend.


I don't mind the sun sometime The images it shows I can taste you on my lips And smell you in my clothes Cinnamon and Sugar And softly spoken lies You never know just how you look Through someone elses eyes BHS-"Pepper"
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I received a call today from the temp agency. The guy I interviewed with for the ebay position a couple of weeks ago, called the temp agency a couple of times, and kept asking if I was available. Apparently, he changed his mind about the chance of me being a "competitor", or he realized that I was "the diamond in the rough" that he was looking for. Trouble is, I start my new job tomorrow with the friend's ebay biz. The pay is less for the friend, but it will increase quickly ( I am certain), and the job is only 5 minutes from my house. The other job was inner city and 35 minutes away. It feels good knowing that they decided I was too good to pass on, maybe W will come to that realization.

I saw "Birth " DVD last night. It was an interesting but slightly twisted movie. Some of it hit a bit close to home, with all of the undying love crap..... I wish W would watch it.

I appreciate the support offered by all of you kind souls. My time to post will be drastically cut starting tomorrow. That is a good thing. That also means my time to think about sitch will be drastically cut. I need to fill my day today, a sort of "last wishes" day. I wish I already had a massage appt..... I wish I had a wife.....(oh yeah, I do, she just forgot)

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Man I really feel for you! I am the most heterosexual guy I know, but I would love to give you a hug! Good luck on your new venture! Andy


God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
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Thanks Andy, I think man hugs look like this {{{{***}}}}}} I think the little bumps stand for the back slapping...


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