"What do you think?" "How come I keep ignoring sound advice?"
Because we all think we know better; clearly we were with this person for many years and we know them and everyone else is an idiot and has no idea what we are going through or how we should live our lives.
Well, maybe they do know something. From what I read, you are both acting like two people who have no idea what they want and are not divorced.
In the year since XW moved out, we haved not gone out together, certainly have not engaged in ANY physical activity or had dinner with family. She wants nothing to do with my parents. She comes around for birthdays and such, but we do nothing that could be perceived as family or couple time. And we sure do not send emails back and forth or call each other, unless it is family related.
I confess it would be much more confusing to be in your position, not knowing what she wants or is willing to accept. The lines are clear in my case.
As difficult as it is, you are going to have to cut some ties, or you are going to continue to be confused and wonder what everything means and she still gets to play family without the work.
I don't really have some wise advice for you. I tend to count on you for that. But I can relate to how you feel. I want to spend as much time with H as possible so that I can make 'love deposits' but I am afraid that too much time with have the opposite affect. I spent some time with him yesterday and I invited him to my family's memorial day cookout and he accepted. Maybe if you cut down on the time it would help. You would still have contact but the extra time from one another could help start healing some wounds. I think that I would stop the intimatacy for now, you don't want her to totally pull away. Just a thought, not that I'm really in a place to offer advice. Linda
Wes, if you don't give her space to heal and to miss the good things you had, you will not get anywhere. Over and over again I see simple pursuit by you...yes, she is willing to be pursued, but one of the major facts of DR/DBing is that pursuit does not work. You want her pursuing you...you have to give her space and time to miss you. Otherwise she will not have to pursue you as you are always there.
No, I don't think you are nuts. I have D from my XW now for right at 5 months and nothing is going on. She is not even warm and nice with my sons as she wrote she would be a mere 4 months ago. It is clear she still wants nothing to do with me. Do I still have some hope? Yes. Is it diminishing? Yes. Do I still want to reconcile? Yes, but less so as I know it will take a tremendous amount of work and I see nothing to convince me that she will put forth the necessary effort now when she couldn't in the first place and that is why she walked out on us. Hopeful, yes, and with faith that the Lord will carry me wherever He needs me to go. I can not control her, I can not even begin to woo her right now. I just have to wait patiently for her to decide I am and our R is worthy of her efforts. GAL is a good thing for you to do.
Thanks for your comments. And Linda, your advice is appreciated to. The beauty of this site is that I think many of us give better advice than we take from others. We are too close to our own situation to take advice that seems to us against the grain. Like going dark or not pursuing. I do in general follow the advice, but sometimes in the heat of the moment it flies out the window.
I want to play devils advocate to something you said JohnDad
Quote: Over and over again I see simple pursuit by you...yes, she is willing to be pursued, but one of the major facts of DR/DBing is that pursuit does not work.
The LRT is only one of the techniques of DBing and that is where it says no pursuing...gifts, frequent calls, ILYs, etc. BUT, what if some degree of pursuing is a 180? I tried the go dark and not pursuing thing before and her response was "that is what you always do"...."I wasn't in the game" as she puts it. Another aspect of DBing is do more of the positive things and less/none of the negatives. In other words...continue what works. If getting together seems positive shouldn't I do more of that?
So the question....if she is willing to be pursued and it does not have negative consequences should I discontinue it? The physical stuff definitely has had a negative consequence...I won't do that in any form. I just don't know about the initiating part. Yes, I know, sounds like I'm justifying some pursuit.
Bruce I agree with you. She's getting the benefit of family time without the work. But as long as we have fun and I don't scare her off with too much don't these positive interactions lead in the right direction?
And yes, I saw her several times yesterday. Nothing weird. We were back to where we were before the near sex experience.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Wes - you are right that DBing is doing what works and stop doing what doesn't work. You know the physical stuff isn't working, you also know that she wants some interaction. I know you can find the balance. It's only pursuing if the WAS perceives it as such.
You are right again that you are too impatient. I know you've not been writing your book, but how about keeping a solution journal? Something to help you discern between what works and what doesn't, and how long you've been trying something and the responses you're getting.
Thanks for stopping by. Yeah, I think I need balance and patience. I like the idea of a solution journal of sorts, but I don't know exactly what I'd put in it. I know the real blatant negatives....like the "we can't do this anymore" after the physical stuff, but when we are together or talk on the phone we get along just fine. I haven't had a real argument with her in two months. She smiles and genuinely looks happy to see me, thanks me for anything I do for her, and is fairly comfortable even when we're alone together. So I'm left with two things not to do...1) initiate intimate contact (even though she clearly enjoyed it) and 2) avoid R talks about getting back together. But maybe I should be doing other things and monitoring results. You may be on to something.
Libra, I have thought about my book, but I actually can't figure out where all the time goes. With the time after work it just seems to fly by and before I know it it's bedtime. So I haven't been intentionally neglecting my book. Don't worry....I'll get it done and I'll send you an autographed copy.
I know you are mainly lurking right now, but if you end up needing some support feel free to send me an e-mail and I'll try my best to offer whatever advice/support I can, even though you are ten times the DBer I am.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: but when we are together or talk on the phone we get along just fine. I haven't had a real argument with her in two months. She smiles and genuinely looks happy to see me, thanks me for anything I do for her, and is fairly comfortable even when we're alone together.
Of course she is. The is no R pressure. You are D. She goes home to her place and you to your house. There is none of the daily dealings of an R; no discussions or battles over finances, in-laws, laundry, kids, travel, when will you be home, why can't you help me, school, schedules, etc.
She does family time and time with you when she wants. And of course, it is good the interactions are positive, but my guess is, she views them neither as positive or negative, but simply as is.
I know I am guilty of overanalyzing every interaction with XW, no matter how small. I would believe you do the same in your situation.
Yes, it is important for those conversations and contacts to be positive, in hopes she wants to spend more time with you. But I know I was guilty of building up false expectations in my case.
The question I raise with myself is, why would she want to spend more time with me or develop an intimate R if she divorced me?
My thoughts.
I will again emphasize your interactions are far more involved and open and deal with emotional and physical issues than mine has for well over a year.
