Thanks Wes. Of course I want my xw to be happy...preferably as my partner in life. I think she may be relieved of some of the stress in her life because she has simplified things immensely. However, that does not make things right...and certainly is not fair to me or my sons because it is her issue with her obsessive/compulsive nature has overwhelmed her. Yes, we are part of the picture, but to pull the plug on three people who love you very much because you can't handle all the turmoil around you is a very immature way to handle things. She just quit, she gave up, she committed a sin against us in breaking her marriage vows...all to placate someone who was leaving the country for 10 months in a matter of days from the time she left. She lost control and this is in a large part a desparate attempt on her part to regain control of her life. Enough venting...anyhow, yes, I love her enough to wish her happiness even without me. I respect her too much to think otherwise. I can't always have what I want, but I certainly prefer it that way!
I know I can help her be happy, but she has to want to let me and want happiness with me. It has been tough, we had crossed the toughest bridges already, but for some reason she just couldn't keep on the road with me...
Drop in to see how everyone is. There will always be questions and doubt, but each day gets slowly better and someday all of this new insight into ourselves will pay off.
Things just keep getting better and better...NOT. I guess when I chose to come to this area of the board I knew what I was doing. I will likely be divorced pretty soon. I might even beat some of you that have had a big head start.
So here's the skinny. My W called last night with the usual preamble..."You'll probably hate me, but..." to inform me that the paperwork for the D is complete. All we have to do is both sign off on it and it'll be done. No need to serve me or anything if we can both agree to the stuff.
My response: Well if you are in a hurry just bring it by work tomorrow and if it looks okay I'll sign off on it and maybe you can get it back to the lawyer the same day. I know you are anxious to get your maiden name back. She said "I'm not in that big of a hurry". Some non-DB things then occurred. I told her we weren't that great of friends since my friends don't expect me to always initiate contact. I said "you already think of yourself as single anyway" referring to her previous "only single girl in the apartment complex" and I also asked her why she didn't think we could work things out. She didn't really answer that one. I ended it by saying I would support whatever she chose to do, that I wished her luck on her test, and that I would miss her and the kids. I also said "I love you. I don't expect a reply back."
I then went out to eat (and drink) and when I got back she called...first the house then the cell. I didn't answer either one. My wife's sister and some of the other girls from work called and said they were stopping over...so we hung out and drank for awhile. My W called 3 other times to house and cell and I didn't answer any of them. Bad idea I guess....she stopped over saying that my step-D wanted to walk the dog (it was 9:30 by this point and really cold). She was obviously displeased with me being with 4 girls, but oh well. My step-D wanted to stay the night and at first my W didn't want her too, but after the girls left she said ok. So I saw my W this am when she picked up S-D for school. She was pretty cold. Again, doesn't matter to me. I was pleasant and friendly.
Know what? I'm in a really good mood. I think it comes from the realization that there is absolutely nothing I can do different to stop this divorce train. This isn't about me or my faults. It's entirely about her. I can only be the improved man I am and nothing else. So when it happens I guess it happens. Of course I also don't fear this because it's just a piece of paper. Might make it easier to DB really.
But one thing bugs me. I've been giving advice and I think I don't know squat about DBing. At least not successfully. I've done nothing but get closer and closer to divorce. So I think I'll quit giving advice...at least about saving marriages. I know quite a bit about divorce.
Wes
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Sorry to hear all of this. You have done what you can, you are a better person, and it is great that you are able to be in a good mood. I imagine you are going through a lot of moods right now.
As for advice, we can certainly offer advice on what doesn't work. The fact that we haven't been able to DB successfuly doesn't detract from the improvements we have made in ourselves, it just means we didn't start soon enough. I think people can still benefit from your experience.
Hi Wes - I'm sorry that your W is on the fast track to D. You really are a great guy and you deserve the best.
I'm really proud of you for not answering her calls yesterday. I think it showed that you needed your space. And you think that she might have actually been a little jealous to find you in the house with 4 OW? Good. She should know that other women enjoy your company.
I admire you for still being a good dad to your s-kids. Even if your W doesn't want to be your W anymore, it sure sounds like they still need you as a dad.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm here for you Wes.
I think I've at least temporarily reached the level of detachment I need. Whatever comes I feel I can handle it. If the D happens I hope to get as much time with the s-kids as I can since they could be moving in the fall and I wouldn't see them much anymore. That's my focus now.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: But one thing bugs me. I've been giving advice and I think I don't know squat about DBing. At least not successfully. I've done nothing but get closer and closer to divorce. So I think I'll quit giving advice...at least about saving marriages. I know quite a bit about divorce.
I actually stopped by to tell you that I saw an awesome post you made to someone ( a newbie) and that it was full of great DB advice! So, while I know that you're feeling quite unsuccessful right now re. DB'ing, I don't agree.
Quote: My response: Well if you are in a hurry just bring it by work tomorrow and if it looks okay I'll sign off on it and maybe you can get it back to the lawyer the same day. I know you are anxious to get your maiden name back. She said "I'm not in that big of a hurry".
So, in the midst of your "non-DB'ing" may I ask why her reply back to you didn't give you pause?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thank you for the compliment. It seems that DB is easier said than done. I find that it is easy to say GAL and quit perseverating on your WAS, but hard to do. The easiest thing about DB is changing the things you didn't like about yourself and staying happy. In that respect I feel like a sucessful DBer
Quote:
So, in the midst of your "non-DB'ing" may I ask why her reply back to you didn't give you pause?
It gave me pause. I didn't know what to say if anything. Thanks for not being in a hurry?
I truly believe in my heart that there is a big part of my wife that doesn't want this. I feel that given time we could actually work things out. My problem is in trying to understand what obstacles stand in our way. My speculation is that at this point she is looking at the difficulties in melding two families into one and feels problems are insurmountable. She hasn't actually expressed this so I can't be sure. She also probably has a hard time trusting that the changes will be lasting....understandable. I also wonder if now that she has her sights set on this new career path whether she feels it would be most easy and fair to be divorced first. Maybe she's afraid marriage to me would prevent her from chasing her dream. I don't know...just speculation. All I can do at this point is watch and wait.
Thanks as always. What if she brings the papers by? Should I just sign them? I'm guessing so. I haven't even retained counsel.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: Thanks as always. What if she brings the papers by? Should I just sign them? I'm guessing so. I haven't even retained counsel.
What happens if you don't? You need some time to read them, right? You need your attorney to look them over, right? If you truly believe a big part of W doesn't want this, why not give that big part a last chance to take over?
Quote: It gave me pause. I didn't know what to say if anything. Thanks for not being in a hurry?
How about "what would be a good time frame for you?"
or maybe even more to the point, "did you have a time frame in mind?"
Of course I know it's extremely easy for me to suggest unemotional responses NOW and not in the heat of the moment so don't think I don't get that...
Quote: I truly believe in my heart that there is a big part of my wife that doesn't want this. I feel that given time we could actually work things out. My problem is in trying to understand what obstacles stand in our way.
OK...can you hold in your heart and mind when you speak with her "there's a big part of her that may not want this?"
And...your speculation has likely given you some excellent fodder for places to focus, no?
Quote: My speculation is that at this point she is looking at the difficulties in melding two families into one and feels problems are insurmountable.
What problems do you think your w sees in this? (Perhaps these are things you've already encountered? or things you're speculating about?)
List some number of them and we'll figure out ACTIONS so that you can show your w that they are not insurmountable.
Quote: She also probably has a hard time trusting that the changes will be lasting....understandable.
What are the MOST IMPORTANT changes that you've made that you really need to reinforce with w?
We can't focus on everything...it's impossible NOT to backslide sometimes...so let's focus on the habits/traits that are critical to uphold.
Quote: I also wonder if now that she has her sights set on this new career path whether she feels it would be most easy and fair to be divorced first. Maybe she's afraid marriage to me would prevent her from chasing her dream.
Would it?
This one speaks directly at me because (as you may or may not know) one of the first hints of a bigtime crisis in my sitch was my h telling me one night he was quitting his (50% of our income) job the next day (which he did).
Then, quite a few months later, he decided to go to law school part time (which he did) and then decided to switch to full time (which he did). I shouldn't make it sound like the law school thing was done w/o discussion with me because it wasn't but it was pretty clear from the get go that it was his dream...
Can you imagine making room (openly, warmly, with no resentment) for your w's dream in your m and your life?
If so, let's figure out a way to convey that to her.
Quote: What if she brings the papers by? Should I just sign them? I'm guessing so. I haven't even retained counsel.
Wouldn't you need/want to read them first? Could you say "I think I'd like to read these over. Would you mine if I took a few days to review them?"
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
may I ask why her reply back to you didn't give you pause?
to look them over, right? If you truly believe a big part of W doesn't want this, why not give that big part a last chance to take over?