One small thing: My W called (repeatedly). Know what she wanted? She wanted to know if I was going to bug/contact the woman from the e-mails. The one she loved when she thought it was a guy. I said "Why would I? I wouldn't do that. I don't care, even if it is a guy". I did make a sarcastic comment that in the midst of all this it is still this OP's welfare that you care the most about. Probably should have left that one alone.
But my real reason for posting is this snippet. I get this daily OM and this is the one for today. I think it must be a sign....
May 3, 2005 Gains In Losses Making Space For Change We want certain things to change in our lives, but we fear changes that we don't want. Sometimes we fear changes that we do want, because the familiar is more comfortable than the visionary, and because life is a three-dimensional, interconnected puzzle; if you change one thing, everything else shifts, too, often in unpredictable ways. We may stay in a relationship or a work situation that is not exactly right for us out of fear of losing what we like about it. And yet, if we do hold on, we will never create space for what we truly want to enter. There is an inescapable connection between getting what we want and losing what we have, and this fact can keep us in a holding pattern.
It helps to remember that, regardless of our conscious intent, life is by its nature a series of gains and losses. Change is the rule. For example, as we grow older, we lose our youth, but we gain experience and wisdom. When we enter into a relationship, we lose a certain degree of freedom, but we gain intimacy and connection. If we focus too much on what we are losing, and fail to celebrate the growth and opportunity that change brings, we run the risk of missing out on our lives as they are happening. Balance entails a bittersweet combination of honoring and releasing the old and welcoming the new with open hands.
Once we acknowledge that getting what we want means letting go of certain things we're attached to, we can move forward more consciously. Allow yourself the time and space to honor your life as it is before you initiate changes. When you decide to let someone or something go, or vice versa, consciously recognize the passing. Facing the losses in our lives head-on, allowing ourselves to feel the difficult emotions loss inspires, ultimately empowers us and frees us to fully embrace the new.
The more we practice accepting loss, letting go, and releasing, the better we will get. And the more we align ourselves with the natural energies of change, the more we can consciously harness that energy to work magic in our lives.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Wes, my W divorced me over 4 months ago and I have yet to write her a note like that. I want to, but I feel it would push her further away...from what I guess is the answer in that we are divorced and dark from each other...so what have I got to lose? I love her deeply and as much as anything, I really regret that I will never be able to express to her just how profoundly I love her...it would take the rest of our lives together for me to accomplish that. A great part of loving someone for me is showing them how much I love them. I did that plenty with my xw, but it boiled down to her words..."you don't love my kids enough." What do you do with that? I was supposed to just let her 20 year old daughter continue with the passive/aggressive behavior towards me and my sons and love her anyway? I guess so, but I failed. I couldn't keep that up as well as doing more to support her financially than anyone else including her mother and her father. Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Hang in there, take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. I hear that eventually, we can all get well emotionally with regard to these situations!
Wes, I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. Huge part of me aches for what has happened but another part of me wishes I had the same knowledge - at least you KNOW what has/is going to happen.
You have been the most amazing support and friend and I only hope you know that I am here for you if you need me.
That letter was beautiful - perhaps I should just swallow my pride and let go of a man who'll never love me too. Thanks for sharing your heart - mine's on a bunch of keys somewhere
I also thought your note to your W was beautiful. You have done everything you can, and you are moving on in a loving way. I hope I do as well when my time comes.
Last night and today wasn't good DBing. More angry back and forth with my STBXW. Mainly about what is fair in terms of money etc. I made the comment..."you are doing pretty good for only being with me 2 years."
She said "Two years?" I said "Well almost three, but half of that you were either moved out or cheating on me."
I guess there was some bitterness there afterall. But we're all human. I did go and sign the papers and dropped off the check for the agreed upon amount. So 1-2 weeks and it will be official. We did have a little discussion later. I said I still want us to be friends and she said she did too but not like things are. I told her I thought a little testiness from both of us during this time is understandable.
The reality though is that I'm not sure I can be quite the friend I was before today. Maybe I can....but I think I need to have the rest of this week to digest.
Thank you all for your kind words and support. I wish everyone a lot more luck than I had. It was something I had little or no control over. I might have done things differently, but no single setback justified divorce.
The good news is I feel good. This only makes it a little harder, but it is still possible to get back together. Right at the moment I don't feel all that interested in holding out hope or caring, but maybe after some time has passed.
Thanks all. Wes
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Yowee, Wes, I was not fully versed on your sitch...I was unaware of the infidelity. Perhaps you are best off this way? You certainly deserve someone who is willing to give as much to the R and M as you. Maybe your STBXW isn't that particular person for you? I am beginning to realize that my XW must have under-estimated what it really took to blend families and finally decided that it was just too much effort for her. She is a little short on conflict resolution skills and these things don't happen without some conflict. On top of that, she has self-esteem problems and doesn't know how to fix those either. Even worse, she decided that getting help was no longer an interest for her. We lost, we all lost, but there is a bright future for all to be had...alone, with new people, with God. Take care.
Quote: XW must have under-estimated what it really took to blend families and finally decided that it was just too much effort for her
I feel that this is my STBX's problem also. I feel if it was just her that she would have worked on things, but she feels she is protecting her children. I think it is the wrong philosophy. I told her if that was her incentive to leave that she wasn't going to find it easier with someone else, even if that someone else has kids. I think she'll have to find that out for herself.
The infidelity thing was an EA with someone via e-mail...progressing to ILYs and sexual talk...yada yada. Turns out if was a woman (she thought it was a man), but by then she was madly in love and not in love with me. But, according to her that had nothing to do with why she left, etc. BLAH. Oh well, water under the bridge. Today I've started making contact with old friends again. Just catching up on other's lives. I think it'll take my mind off of things.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think that catching up with old friends is a great idea. The best thing that has came out of this for me is that I have reconnected with an old friend. I called him out of the blue when H first told me he wanted a S, my friends first response was that I was welcomed to stay with him as long as I needed and I took him up on his offer. I have really enjoyed catching up with him and it helped that I wasn't having to go home alone. Good luck. Linda
Quote: I said "Well almost three, but half of that you were either moved out or cheating on me."
I guess there was some bitterness there afterall. But we're all human....
I said I still want us to be friends and she said she did too but not like things are. I told her I thought a little testiness from both of us during this time is understandable.
Bitterness? You think?
But you're right, we're all human. We'll both have to decide how much we want from out STBXs in the way of friendship, and how much the bitterness gets in the way.
