Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Any hope after divorce? Part deux

Well my thread locked up. It was inevitable. I'd like to reference back to previous "Any hope after divorce", but still can't figure it out. Someone want to help with that?

Here's my very last post.

Re: Walking the fine line.... [Re: la_esperanza]
#891866 - 04/25/05 09:36 PM Edit Reply Quote



Hi,

It's a bad night for me and not due to anything very negative that's occurred. I picked up the rope and am now pessimistic about my chances. It just seems like I've come a long ways personally, but am going nowhere in my relationship.

So the latest saga of pursuit. I called two times after work. One to tell my W that there was free icecream at the cold stone creamery if she wanted to take the kids and the other to ask if she wanted to walk the dog at the park with me (she lives across the street from it). My crazymaker was going full blast when she said "let me know when you're out there and I'll come out"...making me wonder "what doesn't she want me to see at the apartment?" Uggghhh...stupid crazymaker.

We walked the circle and talked the whole time about a variety of stuff. It was a very good convo. Several negatives from my perspective...she indicated she was signed up for the LCAT so if she passes I suppose law school will be in her future...something that definitely doesn't include me. I did express interest but I wonder if all that says is I'm okay with her going away. I don't have any control over that so I suppose it isn't worth thinking about. The other negative...she referred to herself as the only "single" woman in the apartment complex when she was talking about some guy hitting on her. I didn't correct her about her marital status. So I guess nothing has changed in her mind. Or perhaps she sees herself more single than ever.

I left with the feeling that this is never going to work. I'll be her friend, but that's all I'll ever be again. I'm dying to call her friend she visited this weekend and ask if she thinks there is any chance for us based on their talks this weekend, but obviously I won't. I've been to this point many times....the realization that we may not be together again, but tonight felt worse because there was nothing bad about our conversation or interaction. I really felt the need tonight to be loved in return. Friendship is okay, but it's not enough. I need the whole ball of wax. I don't know if I'm patient enough.

So I'm reevaluating the things I've done, monitoring results, and looking at my goals. I don't know if what I'm doing is working. Maybe I do need more distance. Maybe good interactions followed by a long time without me would help her have time to think about us. It can't all be negative in her eyes can it?

I'm so tired of this. Tired of feeling that no matter what I do my marriage will never be salvaged.

Hi,

I just wanted to post and say to hang in there. You are just in a needy mood right now so don't act on it. Give yourself a day to become more positive about things. It will happen. A lot of times it has nothing to do with your situation and everything to do with the cycle of your emotions. Do something to improve your PMA? Always remember that anything is possible. I look for hope in every little thing.

I remember taking my nephew to see "Polar Express" and crying through the whole thing. Tom Hanks would tell the little boy in the movie that anything is possible as long as you "Believe". The movie was about believing in Santa. I was such a sap. For me, I turned to God, the bible and books on Christian beliefs and it did wonders.

Here's La's previous thread: Any hope after divorce?

La,

I just wanted to refer you back to your thread title. You're attempts to reel her back in have their positive effects, but I'm not so focused or worried about those. Instead, I'm puzzled about your ideas or attitude. Are you very focused on saving your M? If you had to choose, what would you rather have - the M or the R? If its the latter, at least for a while, will you be okay with that?

Shifting focus and reminding me of that on a consistent basis has really helped me to not lose it as my likely D approaches. The reality is that my W and I are getting along better than we have in quite a while. Maybe its due to false ideas or the D freedom factor on the part of W, but I would guess a good part of this change has to do with her responding to my DBing and improvements.

Trust yourself and the process, La. If it feels right to shake things up or to invite her somewhere, by all means do so. But stay disciplined about your own mindset and remind yourself of your answer to that above question.

Sam has some wise advice, gently asking you to attend to your needs by yourself (self-love), then to attend to W when around her.

Take care,

Gabriel

Gabriel and Sam,

Thanks for the advice. The neediness is a polite way of saying "quit being a weenie and buck up".

Quote:

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Instead, I'm puzzled about your ideas or attitude. Are you very focused on saving your M? If you had to choose, what would you rather have - the M or the R? If its the latter, at least for a while, will you be okay with that?

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This is the hard question. Do I want to make the R work? I do want a R with my wife. The friendship part is good and I can handle it for awhile. But it isn't enough, not when I know the potential that we have together is so much more.

Here's my perspective....If I lived with my wife and we were married, having sex/intimacy, but weren't really very good friends (which is what we had), the R would be incomplete and I wouldn't be satisfied. On the other hand if I was a close friend to her but we had no intimacy/physical aspect the R would be incomplete. Either way I don't want an incomplete R with my wife. So my answer to your question is I want a complete R with my wife....the one we haven't had in a long time and maybe never really had. What I was expressing last night was a strong feeling that this elusive R was not going to materialize. That the best we would ever be again is friends. That won't be enough for me. But I'll try to keep the negative vibes at a minimum and concentrate once again on myself.

Now my question back at you....is it really friendship when I am the only one that initiates anything together? The one that finds opportunities to talk? Would some other close friend require me to always be the one looking out for the R? When I look at it that way I don't think we are great friends. Are you with yours Gabe? Or is it still a one sided thing where all the maintainance of the friendship comes from you? I'm probably expecting to much. It's my impatience and until I can be satisfied with what we have and nothing more I don't think I've truly grown as much as I want to or need to.

So, I appreciate the input. You're right. I need to remember to get back to myself. I am the only one in charge of my happiness.

Here's a post to your previous thread Hope. La E
I wanted to comment on your last post and I've been waiting to find this new thread, so let me go back and read it so I can remember what I wanted to say.

Geneva

Hi Hope - I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in that feeling that friendship is not enough. I get that way sometimes too. Sometimes I just want my H to say I'm back or I'm leaving for good. Now, in reality, I really don't want that, but it's hard sometimes to push those thoughts away.

It doesn't sound like you've done any writing lately. It sounds like you're too consumed with your situation and you can't break out of it. Do you remember when you were originally posting, before the name change, and you had a revelation of sorts and you decided to write? I'm wondering if it will benefit you at all to review those old threads? Perhaps you'll discover things you were doing at that time that you're still doing that aren't working or things that are.

One day at a time my friend.

Geneva

Geneva,

Thanks as always for stopping by. I guess I'm just having my own little pity party, but doesn't it just blow when you know that with all you've learned you could really have a great marriage? Anyway, I do thank you for attempting to shake me out of it.

Quote:

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It doesn't sound like you've done any writing lately. It sounds like you're too consumed with your situation and you can't break out of it.

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I haven't done any writing lately. Not one word for two months. And you are right...there was a time when my attitude was much better. My problem is that it always seems like I have very little time...but I know it's not true. So I am going back to my book and I am going to try to at least type for an hour a night (when I'm not doing something better). This relationship thing is more work than is actually required. I think if I was true to myself it wouldn't be work at all. I would wait for her to show me she's ready to have a R. I want to publish this thing some day and I need to get started. Actually the R part of the book should be easier. The main character has a WAW just like me.

Thanks,

Wes

Just a little snippet of Clint Black song.

But seriously there is nothing new right now. My W brought my s-son over last night so I saw her briefly. Again this morning when she picked him up. There is something on her mind. I asked her what was up and she was vague. I got the sense she wanted a R talk, but we didn't go there. I could be wrong....maybe she's thinking about her new boyfriend ( I don't know that she has one...I doubt it) I'm trying to take Geneva's advice and returning to GAL. I felt better last night just with renewed focus. Thanks for listening and as always for posting.

Me

Wes, you do have some positives going there. I mean that you still see your s-kids is amazing. My xw practically ignores my sons. I don't do anything with her 15 year old son, but he is a loner and there certainly has been no indication he wants anything to do with us...possibly out of deference to his mother's indifference to me and my sons. I have not seen my xw in nearly 3 months now. I have to send her a check for an agreed upon portion of my tax refund and I am thinking of writing her a letter with the check since I have not had any communication with her at all since mid-February. I just don't know what to do. I have no indications that she wants to communicate and I was the last to write between us. I feel very odd about expressing to her that I hope she is happy...I know I am not. I am coping, healing some, but definitely not happy.

JohnDad,

I agree. It is a positive. I make a point of indicating I want them to come over. She usually lets them come if they tell her they want to. I had to call last night to see if he wanted to come (he likes to stay over when my boys are). We had an amazing night. I will be very sad if my wife moves away with her kids.

I'm sorry for your situation and understand your frustration. I sometimes get the feeling my WAW wouldn't ever see my kids if I didn't initiate. But I give her the benefit of the doubt....when we talk about it she is torn up about not seeing my kids. I think she feels guilty and uncomfortable with seeing them now. Maybe that's your W problem.

John, you haven't talked to your wife since February. I say you have nothing to lose by writing a letter with the check. Make sure it sounds happy and that you are doing well. Do you want your wife to be happy? Even if it's without you? If you do then I wouldn't feel strange about telling her that you hope she's happy and doing well. I know in my heart that I can make my wife happy, but even if she can't see being with me I still want her to be happy.