Listen to Ohio and NY. They know what they are talking about.
Quote: Yes I want to confront him but I do know it won't help anything. I'm just tired of being without him, I'm tired of putting parts of my life on hold because of him, I'm tired of not knowing, and I'm tired of being scared. At times like these I just feel like the hold this woman has on him will never go away.
Most of us here know exactly how you feel. The thing that most helped me detach and keep my obsession with the OP under control, is to stop snooping. It's very hard to do but it helps your PMA and ability to "as if". Only look at the bill part and file/trash the phone log part of the phone bill. Snooping just picks at the sore. Let it start to heal.
All of you are right. Thank you for the honest, constructive advice. I am listening.
I am probably one of the most impatient people in the world (that might be an exaggeration but it surely fits how I feel). I don't want to blow this because of impatience. I have too many positives in response to the work I have already done and I don't want to throw it all out the window.
On nights like last night I just need someone to jump out of my computer and slap me back to sensibility
I would call last night, melt down #2. The good thing is that it wasn't as near as severe as melt down #1 which occurred about a week after I started DBing. I did much more damage to my DBing efforts then as compared to last night and today. It really helped to have a place to come to in which I could type out my feelings knowing I would get constructive feed-back.
I am beginning to feel more confident in myself this evening. I actually spent about 4 1/2 hours w/H today. I evaluate my DBing today at only 75%. But looking at the positives - overall, we had a good time together and he did not get angry or show any signs of disapproval with me today. So I know what I need to do better next time.
So I'm going to write in my DB journal: -Increase efforts at GAL
-Increase efforts to do things for me to develop my PMA
-Remember - the plan is to act as if they are not in contact with each other. The solution to the cell phone bill issue is to not open it until the minute I'm ready to write the check out. Then only look at the amount owed and toss the rest. (Thanks Geronimo)
-No more snooping or checking up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--I need to remember that H has told me on several occassions that he acknowledges the changes in me. He has also told me that he acknowledges that the time we have spent together lately has been enjoyable and we have gotten along together very well.
Reading back over my post from a few days ago I feel like I need to kick my own self in the behind. I was worrying and feeling down for no reason.
The next day H came over and did some yard work. I didn't ask him to, he just showed up. He told me about his plans for later in the afternoon to go to a dealership and look at a new truck. Then he looked at me and said "you can go if you want". I was a little nervous about accepting the invitation. Was he asking me because he just wanted to make me feel better, or did he really want me to go with him? I asked him about this later - and he told me that I needed to learn to read between the lines. I accepted and did go with him. The dealership was closed but it was good because we got to look around without pressure from a salesman. He took me to dinner afterwards and it was really nice. We did talk about OR a little bit - but I think it was good because I had the opportunity to finally tell him that I do forgive him unconditionally. In the past I had told him that I would forgive him if he just came home and broke it off with her. But I came to realize that I had to forgive unconditionally to be able to start to heal. I told him that I was letting go of the anger and pain because I didn't want to carry it around with me anymore. I don't remember what he said in response to these things or even if he said anything at all. However, I am sure that he took it all in and was really listening to me.
So today, he called me and asked if I wanted to go with him back to the dealership. (He really wanted that truck) So I accepted the invitation. We had a good time. It very well could have reminded him of some of the good times in OR as we have always worked well together when it came to making major purchases and evaluating our finances.
On the way home this evening he told me that he finally realized that he missed me. He said that it occurred to him on the Saturday that he was driving back from being out of town. He had sent me a text message but I didn't return it within the time he thought that I should have. He also told me that he was trying to build a friendship with me to get the point where we are best friends again, instead of him and "someone else" (OW) being best friends.
This all sounds so very promising but I have to remember not to get my hopes up too high. I really just want to manage to stay patient and stay cool about things. I want to live in today, and not worry about tomorrow. And just continue to have fun and enjoy each other when we are together.
I do have a question for my wise friends out there. H has started inviting me to do things with him. Thus far we are getting along very well. Would it be wise to continue to accept each invitation as it comes along? Or should I decline an invitation now and then? In other words, now that I'm getting his attention, should I make it a little harder to pursue me? I really don't like playing games, I just like being honest and upfront with people. But I don't want to make it too easy for him so that he thinks he can have the best of both worlds - me and her. What do y'all think?
Quote: Would it be wise to continue to accept each invitation as it comes along?
I'd say yes. Use those contacts as opportunities to shine positivity and be loving, but remember to keep DBing and not slip into old patterns and behaviors. Treat H like you would a good close friend, so stay emotionally detached from having buttons triggered. You must not backslide at all during those contacts!!! If something he says or does bothers you, let it go!! If all he sees from you is a shining beacon, he can get drawn to that. In the meantime, you're learning to love unconditionally.
Quote: Would it be wise to continue to accept each invitation as it comes along?
Hi Tessa,
I found you:) Sounds like things are moving in a good direction right now.
I know exactly what you mean about now wanting to play games but knowing that being so accessible to your H MIGHT not be the best thing. My recommendation would be to try and have some lunch/dinner dates, movie dates, etc. lined up with some girlfriends. That way occasionally you will just be busy when he stops by or calls. At the same time I agree with NYS that you want to make the most of the time together so as long as your interactions are positive, you're doing good.
Have a great weekend.
F
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
You must not backslide at all during those contacts!!! If something he says or does bothers you, let it go!! If all he sees from you is a shining beacon, he can get drawn to that. In the meantime, you're learning to love unconditionally.
I looked back over the time H and I spent together this past week and at times I did let things he said or did bother me. So I wasn't shining at my best every moment but I didn't slip back into the extreme that I used to be.
I know that I won't see H for at least 4-6 more days due to our schedules. In that time period I can work on detaching a little bit more so I don't react anymore.
Fearless, I'm so happy you found me:) I just thought you might like a game of hide and seek.
Thanks for responding:
My recommendation would be to try and have some lunch/dinner dates, movie dates, etc. lined up with some girlfriends. That way occasionally you will just be busy when he stops by or calls.
This actually isn't too hard to do. My one friend and I have been doing something together at least one day each weekend, sometimes two.
Plus my life is going to get really busy here in just two days. I go back to work Monday. I work in healthcare and I will not have a set schedule. I'm hoping to start some volunteer work - I'm waiting on the organization to call me back. And I'm enrolling my dog in an advanced obedience class and possibly an agility class. So he won't know where I'm at or what I'm doing unless he asks.
Before this started and in the first two months after finding out about it, I used to make my plans around H schedule. I don't know his schedule anymore so I can't do that and I don't want to either. The last couple weeks he has been telling me his schedule for the week but some of my scheduling of activities happens more than a week in advance. So I have the potential to already be committed to a friend, a volunteer activity or a shift at work before I find out he is off and wants to do something together. Too bad for him, huh?
Well Fearless, I hope you had a good weekend and a successful run. I'll check in with you later............ TJ
Slowly