I have already posted my situation in the newbie forum. To breifly recap: H 29, me 27, M 5 1/2 years, EA w/OW for approx. 1 year, PA w/her for about 5-6 months, S almost 6 months.
I started DB about 4 weeks ago with what I feel are several positive results including visits from him and occassional telephone calls.
The part that confuses me - On thursday I asked him if he wanted to eat dinner w/me and he agreed. Right before he left he started talking about things. He told me that sometimes he wants this (which I understand to be our R) and sometimes he wants the other (which I understand to be the OW). He went on to say "I'm trying to wait and see if the positive times with you outweigh my want to be with the other". Then he followed that by saying "Now I'm telling you too much". And then the last thing before he left, he put his hand on my cheek and looked me in the eyes and said, "keep doing what your doing".
I don't know how to interpret all of this. Is it a good thing because he does want to be with me sometimes? Or is it a bad thing because he stills wants to be with her? And why does he think he's telling me too much?
At one point in time I felt positive about this information but since he told me this, he was withdrawn from me again. Is this just something to be expected and I just need to ride it out? Or is he re-thinking everything again and swaying back to the OW?
I know I can't sit around and dwell on this but I would like to hear any thoughts or comments from others. Thanks............TJ
I am by no means an expert, but if my H told me that, I'd be so happy that he at least admitted that he was still on the fence! Sounds like he just needs some time. Be patient. I know, easier said than done.
I think he said "I told you too much" because he maybe doesn't want to get your hopes up that he's still on the fence??? Just guessing here. I'm not the best one to advise. My H just filed for D last Tues and just told me last night. On the phone I might add. Long story of course, but I would take your convo with your H as a positive and not a negative.
Quote: I don't know how to interpret all of this. Is it a good thing because he does want to be with me sometimes? Or is it a bad thing because he stills wants to be with her? And why does he think he's telling me too much?
Yes! It is a good thing because he wants to be with you! And, yah, while he's still sometimes wanting to be with ow, it sounds like that's lessening which is another good thing! Kind of like if the ratio of time he wanted to be with you over the time he wanted to be with ow started out as 0/100 and then creeps closer to 50/50 then closer to 100/0! That's great.
As for his comment about telling you too much...ah, well, sounds like he felt exposed, like he was sharing too much of his emotions and confusion.
Quote: At one point in time I felt positive about this information but since he told me this, he was withdrawn from me again. Is this just something to be expected and I just need to ride it out? Or is he re-thinking everything again and swaying back to the OW?
It's completely expected that after a disclosure he'd retreat a bit. Good for you for not overreacting to that.
He gave you the best clue of all "keep doing what you're doing".
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I agree with the others on this one. He said that he told you too much because he doesnt want to get your hopes up if he is not sure. I have seen that with my H plenty of times. Just as H said to you, keep doing what you are doing. I know it sucks that you feel you are in competition right now with OW...We all feel that way, but in the end and your R is saved, and years go by, this will be a distant memory. Not something that will be dwelled on. At least that is what I hope for. I long for the convo your H had with you. My H says nothing, lives at home, spends time with me all seems normal but he is having an EA with OW via the phone and internet. We have no intimate contact, but on the surface all looks fine. That is confusing!
You obviously have taken the information in DB/DR and applied it to your best advantage. Keep that up and work on yourself...
Soccermom, Sage and Sun, thank you for your encouragement.
Soccermon - I am sorry to hear about your sitch. I can't say anything to make it better but I do offer my support and encouragement.
Sun - My H has often sent me mixed signals over the last several months and I hear ya, it is confusing and so very frustrating.
I think I have been over-thinking things too much the last two days. Last night I went out with a friend and a group of her friends. Where we were at, they played the song that my H and I had our first dance to on our first date. That triggered thoughts about how he totally adored me from that first date on. It made me sad as I compared then to the last several months, where he has given his adoration and affection to someone else. So I was letting those feelings trigger doubts about the progress that we've made.
My biggest source of insecurity right now is that we really don't have that much to say to each other when he does call me. From the looks of the cell phone bill and the # of minutes H has used each month, he and the OW have had quite a lot to talk about. I think conversation in general is important to him and I'm worried that I'm not meeting that need to the extent that OW has. Sometimes he is very talkative to me and sometimes he is not. The last two days he hasn't been very talkative. I try to carry the conversations when he's not very talkative - but I'm not so sure he is interested in what I'm talking about. Maybe I need to add this to my list of 180's. If he's not very talkative, I don't try to carry the conversation anymore and when there is nothing left to say, I end the conversation until the next time...........
If I come out of this with nothing else, I know I will have at least learned and developed patience. And that alone is going to make a huge difference in my personal and professional life.
Quote: I try to carry the conversations when he's not very talkative - but I'm not so sure he is interested in what I'm talking about.
Make the conversations about him. People love talking about themselves. A good way to do this is to follow everything he says by turning it into a question, to keep him talking. Like this:
H: Rough day at work today! You: You had a rough day? H: Yeah, Smith almost blew the company's biggest account. You: He almost blew the biggest account? H: Yeah, what an idiot. I managed to stop it before it was too late. You: You stopped it?
Make the conversations about him. People love talking about themselves.
Thanks for the advice. I tried it today. Although he was more talkative today than he had been the last couple of days, when the conversation starting dying out, I asked him about him, some mutual friends, his work, etc. And it did help to keep him talking.
In fact, it even got me a 1/2 invitation to go to a mutual friend's wedding next weekend. I had asked him if he needed to take any dress clothes with him when he left today, or did he want me to make sure the dress clothes that he chose were clean and pressed. So he told me what pants and shirt he was planning on wearing and then said "you can go to the wedding if you want". So I guess I'll make sure I have something to wear ready in case he brings it up again. But I'm not going to push the issue in case he changes his mind and wants to back out of the invitation. That way I don't make him feel pressured.
I'm having doubts again. Things were looking positive for my sitch. But I just saw the call detail on the cell phone bill and he's still calling the OW. I can't stand the thought of that. I am so angry right now. How long is this going to take? When is this going to stop? He can't keep going on talking to both of us. Two weeks ago he was out of town. He called her every night - he could only manage one phone call to me. He didn't call me when he got back but he called her.
What about all that stuff he just told me a few days ago. He has been on the fence from the beginning. He knows he can't have us both. The thing that really steams me is that she knows that he doesn't know what he wants. So why doesn't she take herself out of the picture. Wouldn't that be the respectable thing to do?
I have been trying so hard to let go of the anger, hurt, frustration and all the negative feelings that this brings to me. I thought I was doing well. But now all the doubts and fears are back. And it hurts so much. Sometimes I think that it's not even worth the effort. There is no way that this woman is ever going to be completely out of our lives. I should not have to be competing with her. Sometimes I feel like saying to him, "fine, just go, be with your skank and I'll find someone better as there is no way that I can deal with her for the rest of my life". She is a manipulative person and I can see that say my H would completely break it off and come back home and work on our marriage. 6 months, maybe a year into it, we or he run into her socially somewhere and this nightmare starts all over again. She does not respect the boundaries of marriage at all.
I so want to ask him what in the world is he doing. I want to throw that cell phone bill in his face and say - your not making any changes. He's asked me to turn my life completely upside down and all I've ever asked from him was to stay away from her. He has asked so much of me in the last 6 months - and he has no idea how awful this whole thing has made me feel. If he cared he wouldn't be doing this. So why would he act like he cared and is concerned about me to my face and continue to talk to her behind my back. It doesn't do much to build the trust factor.
Ok, ok, I do need to re-focus. Yes I want to confront him but I do know it won't help anything. I'm just tired of being without him, I'm tired of putting parts of my life on hold because of him, I'm tired of not knowing, and I'm tired of being scared. At times like these I just feel like the hold this woman has on him will never go away.
I am doing things to GAL and build my PMA but I'm not 100% there yet. I know that I have the ability to make it on my own financially. I know that although my house is old and in need of repairs I have the resources within my family to help me with that. I know that I don't need my H to make it in life. But I really do want him to be a part of my life as a H. When I start to doubt that what I'm doing (DBing) is going to make a difference, I get scared.
-Ignore the OW. You really don't know what they are talking about. They could be arguing all the time, they could be talking about the weather. Watch your imagination and what its coming up with.
-You can only control you. You are reacting. This is where DBing comes in. How do you react to him?
-H is not going to act rational or be logical. Fantasy world looks goods to WAS at one point, but then it sucked him in to the real place it is, hell. Don't let it suck you in to.
-Keep dettaching and GAL. Worry about yourself and what you can do to make yourelf the best person you can be. You don't have to put YOUR life on hold. Do things you always wanted to do.
Ditto Ohio, and also know that this takes a lot of time and patience. It takes more time than you think. Many give up out of sheer impatience. I read about someone yesterday where it took 4 years! But now they're back together.
