Gabriel, I would just accept what she says re her work. If you start making comments about how you don't want S5 to go to Summer Camp, she might view this as more of the same critizing her mothering.
However, on the babysitting front, only do it if it doesn't make you feel used. Also another thing to think about is, if she wants to be independent (and do her own GAL by the sounds of things) then relying on you to care for him is not exactly independent. She is not having a chance to experience true 'single' motherhood and therefore the incentive for taking you back is less.
If you can agree to have S5 in a way that nurtures your R with him as well as helping your R with W, that would be best all round, just look out for yourself too and make sure you don't feel taken for granted.
It was good that your W liked the present you sent her, though. That's a good sign.
Quote: I realize that W is worried about finances, and in our conversation, W stated that she doesn't want to be dependent on anyone (read "me"). Any thoughts about this?
It's odd, isn't it. They want not to be dependent, but they also want support. Financial support, child care, taking both halves of the book contract, whatever.
I have chosen to provide support when asked, but not to volunteer it. Whether this helps, or whether it just perpetuates a festering resentment against dependence, I don't know. I don't think I would go so far as to alter a commitment to work for child care, though. That seems to go beyond support to sacrifice. If she wants to be not dependent, she ought to deal with it on her own, IMO.
Hey Gabriel-I have been skimming your last thread and this one. I don't know the exact details of the babysitting thing, but in all, I am in awe of your DBing in April! I also think it is working. Have you been keeping a success journal? It is hard to see progress over the months, esp. when we have a tough week.
I am choosing to see what a good parenting partner my H is being these days, in the midst of our mediation (yesterday) and D process. It seems like my H is also nicer to me now, and softer, not nearly as angry, in fact, not angry at all anymore with me. He is also saying hello and goodbye, and thanking me and saying sorry more often when he screws up. I think if your W is doing these things too, that shows real progress. Also- if she is MLCing, like I think my H is, and Bulldogr’s W, then remember that self-esteem is what she needs, what she is after, and lack of it may be keeping her in the fog (my opinion only, from my one experience). If she GALs (in a healthy way) and gets more self esteem, more self-love, she may find it easier to realize how much she loves you. Does this make any sense at all?!? Maybe I am all off.
To all the men out there- women love to get compliments on our mothering- and to have a partner with the challenges, such as diet, tantrums, bedtimes, etc. goes such a long way. If you can figure out WOA on mothering, she will most likely appreciate it.
Quote: I knew that her next move would be to try to guilt me into watching him for her instead of having him sit with a babysitter or in a summercamp, thus making it my choice rather than her decision to do this to him.
I remember how you said to W, "We are not getting a D. You are divorcing me." That's the truth here, too, isn't it?
Don't let W put this on you. Her choices have consequences, and if she's independent then it's up to her to handle those consequences.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Largo and Kim, thank you for the WOA. Very timely!
Jo and Anne, I truly appreciate your female perspective. As a man, I can get so p!ssed that W is not recognizing or reacting to my changes, or seems to be pulling for yet more from me while she walks away. I can see how my WOA, especially those targeting her parenting, may help her self-esteem.
Anne wrote:
Quote: if she is MLCing, like I think my H is, and Bulldogr’s W, then remember that self-esteem is what she needs, what she is after, and lack of it may be keeping her in the fog. If she GALs (in a healthy way) and gets more self esteem, more self-love, she may find it easier to realize how much she loves you.
Wow! Anne, this clicks! I get it. You've just helped me to wash away a ton of building resentment and to let me refocus on my role. Yes, she is doing some healthy forms of GAL work. And I need to value that work at a higher level. I do hope there is a connection b/t a hopeful increase in her self-esteem and her ability to see my love for her and possibly rediscover hers for me.
K and JRB, I appreciate the advice about boundary setting. It is true that I need to maintain my self-respect and keep our interactions so that mutual respect is built, not one-way. And I won't be trying to buy her love back.
W stopped by my office with a check from our prior mortgage company. I explained why the check was already 'spent' as it consisted of escrowed property tax and mortgage insurance, due in the upcoming Fall, as well as my final payment. She signed it over. In the recent past, W would have insisted on pocketing her half, leaving me to cover things. This was a very nice positive. A bit of trust?
She had left a phone message earlier, sounding tired and shaken. I really felt for her, hearing her that way. She explained in a second call that the mediator called her, asking for his check and telling her that our D hearing was this morning. Said she was scrambling around, trying to get her final exams covered, then the A called her back and noted that she was correct - it is on for Monday 5/2. We joined together in our sense that the A is trying to wring more money from us and agreed to file some things regarding the house ourselves. It took W several stammers to get beyond calling the D "it" and to say 'divorce.' This is not easy for her.
She seems to be sniffing around to see if I'll be a genuine friend. Time and patience!
Had a great PMA evening last night. Went to a graduation banquet and had grad students send WOA after WOA my way. Was treated like a prince by the class and their families. Received a nicely framed photo of the group as their goodbye gift. I got up and spoke from the heart briefly about each student as a gift back to each, to personalize things a bit for them. I remember thinking that if W were present, I'd be anxious about her jealousy over my various interactions with the students, as about 90% are female. It was nice to be free from that, and to merely be a faculty member celebrating the graduation of his class. I hope that she grows to a level where we can celebrate that kind of thing together. I'll remember your advice in that regard, Anne and Jo.
Plans for tonight: I'm manning the concession stand, grilling hotdogs and hamburgers, selling sodas, for the crowd at S5's TBall game.
Great work w/ interacting w/ your W. I think you're right that all of this is difficult for her. I'd like to think that my W is having the same feelings, sometimes I wonder though. I just have to keep remembering tha they, the WAW, are just as hurt, confused and troubled as we are. Hard to remember though.
I think like you about the self-esteem thing. I just wonder how to better validate my W, especially when it is unsolicited, and build her self-esteem so that she can see how I love her w/o it coming across as syrupy or that I seem like a sycophant. (Didn't know a cowboy knew such big words, did ya?)
I'm going to take the occasion to send a Mother's Day card to my W and I intend to include a note that tells her how much I value her as the mother of my children and what a good job she's doing, especially in light of her recent doubts.
Quote: I appreciate the advice about boundary setting. It is true that I need to maintain my self-respect and keep our interactions so that mutual respect is built, not one-way. And I won't be trying to buy her love back.
I worry about my ability to recognize when I need to put my foot down and stand up for myself, or if I need to at the moment. If you gain any insight in this regard, let me know.
I had a great afternoon/eve with S5 yesterday. We ate dinner at my studio and relaxed for just a bit. He was teary and so tired, not getting enough sleep, poor little guy. W admits this about him and herself, too. Everyone in my sitch is sleep-deprived.
He went 2 for 2 and scored twice in his TBall game. Importantly, he was able to tell me when a bigger, older boy was being mean to him, and he was able to experience his Dad talking to the boy and his father before the game, making sure that didn't happen anymore. I let him experience life, but I also love making him feel sheltered and protected when that needs to be done. I enjoyed manning the concession stand, cooked up dozens of hotdogs and hamburgers on the grill, and talking to folks.
At dropoff, when I described S5's game and behavior, she noted that he seems so much more confident/different than when its just her at the games. She noted that he is a proud little peacock when I show up at his swim lessions, doing daredevil moves and then looking for/waving at me in the stands. He sure was strutting as he rounded the bases last night - almost got tagged out at one point for that. Good to see him happy for a time, regardless.
We sat down in the entryway of the house and talked for a good 30 min last night. W continues to show anger and see herself as a victim in many ways. Overall though, she seems a bit less depressed. Interesting: I renewed our family pass at the local zoo, and gave W the 2nd copy of the membership card. W brightened and said that she had already done the same for the local children's science/history museum membership, noting with a smile, "They don't have to see whether we have a M license or not." Looking back, maybe it was a risky move to hand a symbol of our 'family,' but it just seemed like a natural thing to do. She seemed to appreciate it.
S5 seems to quiet and retreat to his room, playing but listening intently to us whenever we talk. When I saw this last night, I went to him, sat him on my lap and kissed and hugged him, just reconnecting with him for a bit. I don't want him being anxious about us any more that he already is.
Going to lunch with some friends, then walking my students thru graduation ceremonies tonight. I'll have S5 Sat and Sun.
Not much to say except you are doing great. Especially with being a dad. Just keep on doing what you are doing. Great PMA.
The interactions with your W sound positive. I think complimenting the times she does things with your son that are positive is a good thing. I'm not really sure I'd advocate a blanket "you're a good mom" unless she really is, since you are trying to encourage more motherly interactions.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
