I feel like we are finally in the comfort cycle, cruising along, able to provide validation to each other because we want to, and not because the other expects it.
We went through a rough patch a couple of weeks ago. Both kids and I had been sick, H was wonderful about taking care of all of us. In the past couple of years, if I was sick or unable to help out with the kids, it was a big blinking bullseye for H, and I would feel his lack of empathy very strongly. This time, we were able to break from that. We were kind to each other throughout. I consider that a major victory.
After this, it turned out to be my time of month, so we went without sex for a total of about ten days. Towards the end of this, I started to feel very detached, and communicated this to him. He told me that he would have loved to ML, but circumstances obviously got in the way. I told him that I was feeling rejected, and he held me tight and told me that he understood, to wait a day or two, and to not to dwell on it. We talked a little bit about my insecurities. I mentioned that I sometimes felt insecure because I didn’t and would never again look like I did when I was 18. He told me that he obviously didn’t expect me to look like I did when I was 18, and in fact felt that I wanted him to act like he did when he was 18. Oh, the irony!
We had another interesting conversation, instigated by him. The question – What is the quickest and easiest way to your heart? My answer: Affection, sex, quality time and quality conversation His answer: Lots of good food, lots of quickie sex and lots of backrubs
Interesting, to say the least, lol!
We are both being physically affectionate with each other, and feeling comfortable in that role. H makes an effort to give me plenty of hugs and kisses and little cuddles, and it really feels good. Last night, I was lying on the couch watching TV. He came in, lay on me, making full body contact, and kissed my face and neck, gave me a tight hug before pulling away to watch TV. It is really a small gesture in a relationship that is going well, but would have been an impossible gesture for him to make a couple of years ago, when our relationship was in the pits.
This past week, he has been announcing that he is going to show me ‘passion’. He has surprised me at unexpected times and places, jumped me and such. I said that rather than passion, I felt his gestures coming from a place of love. We are both a little perplexed. I have to think about it more, and try to express the difference in words.
I am coming to realize that passion is more a state of my mind than a result of his actions. The good news is that while passion is good, love is better. Much better.
There is another crucible that I am starting to construct for myself - it has to do with fidelity/monogamy and how it relates to us. We were both virgins when we married and have issues/regrets related to that. My crucible has to do with unhooking myself from his feelings on the subject and achieving clarity on my own feelings on the subject. I am not ready to plunge into it yet, because I am enjoying this comfort cycle too much.
Congrats on continuing in a good space! I think part of the reason that both you and I are feeling okay/comfortable with our current situations is that our H's have both significantly upped the physical affection/ words of affirmation level. I'm much better able to wait until Friday for sex if my H makes a point of being physically affectionate or saying something sweet on Wednesday because this makes me feel like he at least has me on some sort of "layaway" plan towards which he's making a deposit.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I'm so very happy for you. I admire the way you sit with your feelings and work through them, instead of shooting off like a volcano like I do. I will take a page from your book and attempt this, it really is a wise way to go about things.
JJ, Thank you for putting into words what my problemo is of late. When H affirms me verbally and gives lots of affection, I can easily let him off the hook re: sex. When he ignores me I cannot do this. It's that ol seesaw thing.
HP
P.S. Julie, who has the greater regret? You or H? I was confused on that part..
Just a comment on the love vs passion thing...I have lowered my expectations on this one. For instance, I know that one of the reasons H is driven to initiate is because he realizes I sleep better after we ML, and one thing he hates is when I am restless at nite ( don't ask how I know this...I just do). It's still a "win" for the relationship and results in more positive feelings towards each other. I think I will always want to be, on some level, his object of desire, but I am trying to be more realistic about it now.
Quote: Congrats on continuing in a good space! I think part of the reason that both you and I are feeling okay/comfortable with our current situations is that our H's have both significantly upped the physical affection/ words of affirmation level.
Bingo! Funny - I just read what I wrote and realized that my focus has shifted so much. At the very crux of my happiness and contentment is the fact that my H has kept his promise and we have maintained the sexual frequency we agreed to. If he broke his word on that, the rest would fall apart because the trust would be gone. That being said, it is true that I had other needs that I was blinded to because of the lack of sex. It is a pyramid that we are slowly building up.
I'm so very happy for you. I admire the way you sit with your feelings and work through them, instead of shooting off like a volcano like I do. I will take a page from your book and attempt this, it really is a wise way to go about things.
I try, but I fall flat on my face plenty of times! Such as the time I whined to H that I was feeling rejected even though he never actually rejected me. It was at the tail end of my period, and no doubt hormones played a big part in that. I should learn to zip my mouth at that time. Fortunately, H knows that I get cranky and cuts me a little extra slack.
Quote:
P.S. Julie, who has the greater regret? You or H? I was confused on that part..
Hmmm…I didn’t want to get into this right now. But let me just say that H is the one who has expressed regret that I am the only woman he has been with. He didn’t say it unkindly, it was intended in a spirit of self-disclosure and I took it as such. But it did stir up some reactions and feelings in me that I want to explore.
H and I have been doing well. There seems to be a good emotional connection between us these days. It was a nebulous sort of connection for a while, fragile and susceptible to little arguments and moods and circumstances. Finally, I think we are getting better at staying in a positive space and not letting the little tiffs blow up into something big by being overly reactive.
H tends to initiate verbally a lot of the time. (Want to have sex? Interested in some nookie?) This is really not my preferred method, I much prefer the ‘grab me and lock me in a passionate embrace’ approach. I’ve mentioned it to him as a preference, and he goes for the non-verbal approaches a lot more now.
H has been showing signs of desire more openly, and I am enjoying them. One evening last week, I caught him looking at my chest several times and teased him about it. He remarked that he liked the shirt I was in (clung in the right places, apparently!), and initiated quite passionately later that night, much to my delight. You know you are a HD woman when you like your H jumping on you in bed saying “I like the way these babies were standing out in that shirt…mmm.”
We are snuggling, talking, exchanging back and foot rubs every night. The ‘10 minutes’ before bedtime tends to last a lot longer. Some nights, he complains about it, but mostly in a good-natured, grumbling sort of way.
I wrote in Jenny's thread that he hasn't looked at any porn in 2 or 3 months now. This is a source of relief to me, mostly because I was afraid of escalating behavior. I should have known better because H is not an addictive type AT ALL. I see now that it was a crucible for me, one that I managed to go through with a modicum of success because I have no hang-ups about him looking at porn again in moderation.
I still have days when I am truly confounded by him. He seems to be enjoying having an active sex life with me, he is being open sexually, he is addressing all my preferences, we are experimenting and having fun, and most of the time the sex is downright HOT. Yet, if I turned LD tomorrow – he would happily go back to a sexless marriage. It just isn’t that important to him. I sort of understand this, yet I am confounded by it.
The good thing is that I am not personally offended or hurt by this anymore. I have empathy for the woman I used to be, for how hurt and lost and confused she (I) was for so long. But there is meaning to that pain (Schnarch). That pain was the path to sexual (and emotional) maturity for me. I see that now, and it helps me soothe my heart when I relive some of those horrible periods of rejection.
