Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE The Neverending Crap Sandwich

I'm having a bit of a struggle with my H this morning, as well as myself.

Note: Before I start, I would like to say that any and all whacks are welcome. I know I need em.

I woke up yesterday morning in a foul mood because I was having a wonderful romantic dream....about another man. Whenever there has been a week (or more) in which he does not treat me like a lover, my wild dreams start taking over. Sexual dreams, sometimes romantic stuff. It is as if my mind just writes him off. Now, I never dream about HIM, usually, so it's not that he's being replaced...it's that I start having romantic or sexual dreams whereas before I wasn't having any dreams of this sort.
I'm sure it is resentment fueled, also. I tried to get something going with H last week, every night except Saturday. He didn't notice any of these nights. I was feeling mildly (ok evidently more than mildly) resentful about this but he is being SUCH a great husband in all other areas that I really tried to blow it off.
What I should have done is to address it, right then and there.

Instead, I tried to let it go and my dreams got the best of me. So I woke up actually MAD at him because he "caused" me to dream about other people, by treating me as a roommate these last weeks. !!!!!!
I know, I know, whack me people...what can I say...I was acting like an idiot. He asked what was wrong and I gave him a snide answer. (he deserves better than that, I totally blindsided him) From that point on, he avoided the convo for the rest of the day and was extra nice to me and pretended that I had never said that I was dreaming sexual dreams about other people because he was ignoring me. So I stewed all day and tried to get over myself but ultimately couldn't do it.

This is the fourth time during the time I've been ill that I have asked him to please NOT treat me as if we are roommates, even though there is not a lot of opportunity for nookie. He agreed last night that he is not doing this at all and has no reason why. All he can tell me is that he's sorry and he wants my forgiveness.

I finally said, Look H. You either WANT to be a different kind of person...the kind of person who wants his wife openly..or you don't.
Saying that you are sorry is fine, but it doesn't mean that anything will be different next time. The only way it will be different next time is if YOU want it to be different. So far, you are changing--if I get upset--because you don't want me to be upset. You look to me to me to be your guide on how you should act. If I'm happy, you keep doing what you're doing. If I'm upset, you mentally agree to change until I'm happy again.

This is about YOU, though. It's about whether you want to be the kind of guy who desires his wife. It's not, in the end, about whether I'm upset or not.

MrHP: I know you want me to be that kind of guy but I've never been that way. I keep all my feelings bottled up inside.
HP: That's not true. You tell me everything and talk all the time!
MrHP: Hmm, that's true. Ok, I keep my sexual feelings bottled up and don't let them out, ever.
HP: Well, that's a problem.
MrHP: I don't know what to tell you, except that's the way I am.

(side note: NOP talks about "scripts" for infidelity, well lemme tell ya, there's scripts for all sorts of situations..how many of us have heard that line?!)

HP: I know that's the way you are and I also know that I prefer a guy who knows how to let it out.

This morning he wrote a flowery note to me and, while I appreciate the doting sentiments, he still seems to miss the point. He seems to always throw this back to QT...he promises to spend more time with me, etc. That would be great, but that's not what I'm requesting at ALL.
This always blows my mind--I think, Is he doing this on purpose? I mean, how can a person deduce that I need more QT when I'm specifically asking for desire and sexual stuff? He even mentioned playing Scrabble last night and I thought, where in the world did that come from?

This morning he wrote more about the QT and I had to, again, gently steer the convo back to what I'm talking about. Ok, it wasn't that gentle but I don't know how else to get my point across. Believe me, folks, I'm using blunt language and exact requests. No euphemisms or cloaked language. I don't GET THIS!
So I end up looking like a hag because I keep steering the conversation back to the original topic and I get graphic-er and graphic-er as he gets more and more off topic. I hate this cause it makes me look like a psycho. I just asked him if he is back to avoiding cause that's what it seems like to me...trying to throw me off topic or something? You'd think this was high level espionage or something but it's just a plain ol husband and wife trying to talk and negotiate their way through a problem.

Really, what this comes down to is that I need to lose my expectations of him.

I still have this idea that if I do the things that other wives do, that I should get a reaction. I used to think that I should get a similar reaction but I have ditched that thought. Now I'm just looking for A reaction. I am admitting this because I think it is an area that I have long needed to work on. It's not really fair to do anything with the idea in mind that your partner should be reacting a certain way.
As ATLDave said, I need to do more "I desire you tonight" and less "you are improving but I still need more xyz".

The problem with this...and one that I am not finding any resolution on...is that it doesn't address the feeling of being pursued that is important to me (and probably to all females). I am discovering that I can't MAKE my husband pursue me. Such a simple and duh! concept but that hasn't stopped me from attempting it.

So.......that's the update from the hive.

Cheers,
H.

Honeypot,

Consider yourself biotch-slapped: I think you're being totally unfair to him. In your "no nookie" state, what is it you -- realistically -- want him to do??? Say???

It's as if he's a diabetic on a special diet, and you want....

wait, I am NOT starting yet another food analogy here.

Choc.

Honeypot...

I'm going to ask the same question as Choc..."what is it you -- realistically -- want him to do??? Say???"

If there is a certain behavior you are looking for out of him...can you quantify that for us? So that maybe we can help you to help him understand.

Also....just going to throw this one out there for you to think about. Is it possible that in your current, not so happy-go-lucky, ickyish, infectious stage....you're taking your frustration about your discomfort & never-ending infection out towards him?

I mean...to me it seems perfectly plausible (not necessarily reasonable) to be angry w/your H to an extent right now. He's at a stage now where he's more sexual with you, has discussed that with you, tells you he wants it more....and now DAMNIT...YOU can't do it. So why now? Why has he reached this point now? When you can't do it!!!?

See what I mean? I can perfectly understand how you may be taking your frustration out on him.

In other words...if you were able to have sex with him now, as your fully functioning horneypot self....would you still be having a problem?

GEL

Hi, HP.

Before I post this, no offense to anyone's religion.

HP, you and hubby both have at least one functional hand each.

I really doubt that God would be mad if the two of you laid in bed and did each other.

I hope you get well soon.

-NOPkins-

HP,

I know all about those dreams and the pissiness that follows, especially if something wakes me up (as invariably happens) before the dream gets really good. Sometimes it takes me several days to get back out of a pissy mood, and knowing why I am in a pissy mood just make it worse. The weird thing is I wake up mad at her for something that she did or didn't do in my dream (mine usually start out with her doing something drastic like telling me she's decided to become celibate for religious reasons or something like that). What gets me pissy about it is that I can't shake the mad feeling.

As far as the chase goes, hmm that's a tough one. You are right, you can't make him chase you any more than I can make Mrs GGB crave getting boinked (we had a setback this week when she told me that she's been doing "it" mostly to keep me from getting mad...*SIGH*. Sure makes me think twice before even insinuating that I want some).

Perhaps finding a way to increase his reward when he does chase you might entice him to chase more frequently? Trouble is, making the reward something for you too so it doesn't become a trade of whatever for sex (big yuck). Don't ask me how or what though, 'cause if I figured that out, I wouldn't be back here methinks.

--GGB who's been having a wonderful SL in dreamland, but can't remember the good parts and wakes up frustrated.

Well, I've been getting irritated because I'm trying to start something sexually, see, and he's ignoring me and telling me to get off him. Yes, in those words. Usually with a followup of "I'm hot" or "I'm tired".
In his defense, he thinks since I am still ill that there will be no sex and therefore I couldn't possibly be trying to get something GOING so he's confused as to what I'm doing.

I suppose the pissiness on my part is coming into play because I think, Good GRIEF what do I have to do to seduce this guy?!

I can--and should have--just said, Yo do you want to fool around, but after 2 weeks of celibacy I was thinking that my usual non-subtle ways would turn him on and we could take it from there. Think spread legs, hanging on him, touching him, etc. I'm doing everything but outright saying, Hey I am trying to turn you on here.

Yes, I am gratefully taking the whacks. I have no right to try and seduce him and then get ticked that he doesn't respond. I WANT to do this, and can't seem to get this idea out of my head that I should be able to do these non-subtle gestures and get a reaction. I should not have to, after weeks of celibacy, ASK for him to respond to me or SAY that I want him--that would lessen the experience for me to such an extent that I don't know if I'd still want it. If we were having regular sex, I would have NO problem stating that I wanted him. For some reason I have it in my mind that after this long of a time, he should be drooling over me and unable to contain himself and I shouldn't have to spell it out for him, like some sort of Remedial Seduction Class.
Aren't I stubborn and awful!!

NOP, at this point, two hands would work fine for me. He is not willing to even "go there" with sexual thoughts and that is sort of the first step in the process.

Choc and Lassie, I guess I just want him to respond to me when I am obviously trying to seduce him. I get sick of him ignoring me because it's not a good time for him. It's never really a good time for him, except when he's driving to work and I'm not with him--or so he says.

Man, I am really whiny today. Believe me, folks, I am attempting to get this out of me and settle my thoughts so that I don't pull any more out-of-place anger and sexually frustrated p*ssiness with him.

Thanks for the whacks.

Choc,
I just realized what I want:

I want him to miss me.

That's it.

He really doesn't and it pisses me off.

See what a mess I can be. Every time I think I'm gettin it together, some new realization hits me and I know that I have a ways to go.

I think he intellectually misses me...and is eager to ML again, but it is no skin off his back, really it's not. It is a huge sacrifice for me and something that is daily on my mind. For him it is twinges that he feels occasionally and finds pretty easy to ignore.

I want to be married to someone who does not find it easy to ignore me.

Man, I'm sorry Honeypot, but maybe I missed the post where you said you were "cleared for takeoff"??

I thought you were still grounded?

Please fill me in before I make another stupid aeronautical analogy...

Choc.

Honeypot...now that I can relate to :-) No whacks coming on that one.

My H shows me in small ways that he misses me. He recently told me of some things that I know he misses when he's not with me, so now I'm aware. Could have knocked me over w/a feather when he did tell me he missed me last time he was away...and gave me an example of something about ME he missed...not my cooking, cleaning, mothering etc...but ME.

I suspect that our H's are very similar in this aspect, they simply are not very verbal. My guess is Mr. Horneypot thinks that you should just "know" he misses you, right? Well if so, that sucks...been there, done that.

That's one of the things I've been very clear to my H about lately, I am not going to "assume" he feels anything/anyway anymore. It's not easy but I'm finding I have to stand up for myself in that aspect and let him know that...if he wants ME to be happy then he has to express his love in ways that I understandHe's doing much much better abut this now...but I still do have to reinforce to him fairly regularly that I'm not going to assume his feelings....he has to express them.

I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know huh? I'm preaching to the choir

GEL

I'm not cleared for takeoff, that's why I'm getting so antsy and irritated.

I'm trying to get him interested in SOMETHING, anything, and he's not biting. It doesn't matter that it's been weeks for him and that I've been looking particularly fetching lately (LOL), it just....doesn't...matter.

He sorta misses me when we can't ML. Kindof.
Maybe, if it's not too late.

I want him--and have asked him several times--to still treat me as his lover even if we can't ML. Touch me intimately (back rubs, caresses, etc), flirt with me, kiss me, tell me I look nice, etc.
What he does instead is to act as if I am not a woman..he doesn't touch me, he does hug and peck me so I'll give him his props there, he doesn't compliment me, he won't snuggle with me in bed.

I gotta have something.

He can certainly still treat me as his wife, even if we can't ML.

Methinks he is enjoying his vacation too darn much.

I don't know, Choc.

He really has been trying to show his desire lately. He makes comments now and then, I guess. I think I just got my tailfeathers in a wad because I TRIED to seduce him (though I can't think of many other times when it has been successful) and it failed many many night in a row and I began to have bad thoughts about him: IS he a man? What is going on here? Etc.

But I managed to get hold of these thoughts and rise above them, I really did.

Then I go and have a niiiiiice dream in which there was a man who DID want me. Who was willing to show it and not act as if I am a nightly nuisance to him. And I woke up pissy and blindsided him.

I'm trying to work through this with him today but he keeps saying, But I DO desire you!! and I'm supposed to take him at his word and say, Oh of course what was I thinking.

I'm sorry; it is just NOT enough that he desires me on some tiny level in the bottom of his heart, but refuses to show it or demonstrate it. I need more. I have asked for more. I am not receiving more.

Dang, today is a day in which I could realllllllly use some patience. I haven't been this worked up since I was preg.

Say a prayer for me that I manage to chill out a little.