How do I detach from hope? It's not not the despair that's killing me, it's the hope (anybody else love the John Cleese movie "Clockwise"?). How do I stop having expectations? This weekend was such a painful roller coaster. I was VERY good with my GAL - I exercised, stayed out of the house, even did a minor redecoration of the living room. I was a supportive friend for his activities (actually, since he's a minister, I was really a pastor's wife with all the help I gave him with his new church services). I actually enjoyed all I did this weekend. I brought up no R or OW talk. I didn't check his cell phone (it's sitting on the shelf next to me right now while he's asleep and I know if will be ringing soon with calls from OW). He called me during the day a couple of times. We discussed his vision for his work. He didn't talk about moving out, although his moving date has passed and no packing in sight.
And yet - overlay all that with the fact that this weekend was prospective student weekend at the university where he'll be starting his Ph.D. in the fall and he spent most of his time there (I guess) and came home today saying part of the day was a tour of student housing which was "good" (I backslid - I said, "That was good?" - he said, "Yeah, for those young kids - it' mostly singles housing."). Overlay that with the good time we were having Friday night laughing about the scary little kid down the street, joking about how we give him a wide berth and H says, laughing, "Every time I see him, I think to myself, just give me couple of months little buddy and I'll be out of here and you won't need to bother me." - stopped my guffawing cold - but I was proud, I didn't abruptly stop or anything - I don't think he even realized that he pierced my heart at all. Overlay that with the fact that this Sunday he mentions my name while acknowledging all the folks who have helped him get started over the past few weeks (forget that he didn't even introduce me or thank me at all last week after I stayed up all night helping him get things together and have had endless discussions with him about this dream - oh, that's right - OW was there and we wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, I guess - never mind how devastating it was to me to watch him conducting service wearing the clothes he wore to our beach wedding because he needed to wear something off-white - how could he DO THAT???) - I'm the third person he thanks, saying "Thanks to Jane Doe for all her help putting the program together" - not "my wife" but "Jane Doe" and since we don't have the same last name, I guess that makes it safe that some folks won't even assume we're married.
Somebody help me go on. Everybody says just hold out, do nothing except GAL and act AS IF, don't bring up R or OW talks. Well, we haven't talked about anything, including his moving out schedule, and in the meantime I can only assume he's going to take advantage of the free rent on me until he moves into graduate housing in the fall, tho he hasn't had the balls to actually say that to me. In the meantime, he's blatantly keeping his options open with OW (if he's being truthful about the cuurent nature of their relationship - the last time we did talk about her last week, when I saw her name on the list of people he expected at Easter service: "I know she's still in love with me, and I'm still considering a relationship with her. If you're asking if we're still intimate, no. If you're asking if I've thrown her on the trach heap of my life, no.") while still living with me.
I kept so busy this weekend that I didn't have any gut-wrenching crying spells, and the last time I went the weekend without crying I was totally non-functional at work come Monday, so I'm thinking I may work from home tomorrow just so I can get some crying in. He's here right now and may hear if I go in the bedroom and cry, so maybe I'll go drive somewhere and cry...but since I know he won't be around tomorrow, maybe I can hold out until then.
I feel so used. Maybe it would help me to think that my marriage is over - it's just over, and I have a roommate that I run into sometimes. But - a huge complaint of his was that I never talked to him enough, that I wasn't passionate enough - so what would look like a 180 to some is more of the same for me, so wouldn't get his attention at all. Maybe I just need to accept that it's already too late and DB doesn't work for people who end up at this place because their mates didn't feel pursued ENOUGH. He's actually said that my reaction to the BOMB and his plans to leave surprised him - I think he thought I would just say, "okay, bye then." And yes, it looks like a good sign that he's still here - but I think it's only because he's either waiting for his student housing or just passively insisting on the original schedule he'd laid out for himself in his private plans, which was to tell me he was leaving in May (but I forced the conversation in November).
Do you think a telephone consultation would help? I'm seeing a therapist and even though she's appalled at how I'm being treated even she says wait, do nothing to force his hand - that I'll know the point at which I can't take anymore, that I should trust myself to know that. To which I say I can't trust someone who wants to beg H to stay and build a family one minute and then fantasizes about never seeing or speaking to him again for the rest of her life the next minute.
Thank you for sticking with this, whoever accidentally stumbled into here. I'm so sorry for the rambling, but I am so broken and confused and hurting right now.
I just read your post and wanted to send you a huge hug!!!!!
I am sorry - I am not really able to offer any words of advice or even comment on your situation - the feelings you express are very close to mine and I also dont know what to do. I just wanted to let you know I am sending you lots of good wishes and am saying a prayer for you.
Thank you so much, allmyfault. You're an inspiration to me so your words do help. I did stay home to work today but haven't done ANYTHING - woke up with the beginnings of a bad cold all of a sudden - and now I think I'll go driving and take myself out to eat because it's a beautiful day for a change. This morning H came into the bedroom and sat and talked with me for a good while - nothing "personal", just about his feelings about service yesterday and nervousness and excitement about grad school - things so deeply "him" that I think they're personal but he probably doesn't. I thought he was going to say something about R because he kept looking at the orchid he gave me for Valentine's Day (before I was seriously DBing and I'd asked him to get me something - he gave me an orchid and a beautiful handmade card and original poem that I guess could be considered romantic or not, depending on how you read it) and then he picked up the card and looked at it for a long time. But he didn't say anything. All the blooms have fallen off the orchid and I keep expecting him to say something about maybe that means it's time for him to go (I keep thinking of a short story I read a long time ago about how a woman who was very ill said she would hang on until the last leaf fell off the tree outside her window that fall, and she eventually recovered because one leaf never fell, and it turned out her friend or lover had actually painted it on her window - I wonder if I should go get another orchid that's still blooming). But he didn't say anything, just put it back (I have it standing on a table next to the orchid). His stomach was making a lot of noise, which it does when he's very nervous, but he could have been nervous about going to meet the professor who may be his dissertation advisor, I don't know.
Anyway - thanks for your encouragement. I hope you're having a good day - did you exercise? I didn't walk last night - too cold and I was sore - but I'll try tonight.
Thank you so much, allmyfault. You're an inspiration to me so your words do help. I did stay home to work today but haven't done ANYTHING - woke up with the beginnings of a bad cold all of a sudden - and now I think I'll go driving and take myself out to eat because it's a beautiful day for a change. This morning H came into the bedroom and sat and talked with me for a good while - nothing "personal", just about his feelings about service yesterday and nervousness and excitement about grad school - things so deeply "him" that I think they're personal but he probably doesn't. I thought he was going to say something about R because he kept looking at the orchid he gave me for Valentine's Day (before I was seriously DBing and I'd asked him to get me something - he gave me an orchid and a beautiful handmade card and original poem that I guess could be considered romantic or not, depending on how you read it) and then he picked up the card and looked at it for a long time. But he didn't say anything. All the blooms have fallen off the orchid and I keep expecting him to say something about maybe that means it's time for him to go (I keep thinking of a short story I read a long time ago about how a woman who was very ill said she would hang on until the last leaf fell off the tree outside her window that fall, and she eventually recovered because one leaf never fell, and it turned out her friend or lover had actually painted it on her window - I wonder if I should go get another orchid that's still blooming). But he didn't say anything, just put it back (I have it standing on a table next to the orchid). His stomach was making a lot of noise, which it does when he's very nervous, but he could have been nervous about going to meet the professor who may be his dissertation advisor, I don't know.
Anyway - thanks for your encouragement. I hope you're having a good day - did you exercise? I didn't walk last night - too cold and I was sore - but I'll try tonight.
Accidentally posted same message twice there - sorry.
It's helping me to get these thougths out so forgive me for blathering on...didn't do any work today but enjoyed the pretty sunshine and I think I can make it up over the next few days. H spent the day on campus having a wonderful time talking to professors, students, etc. Didn't call me once. But bought batteries for a new phone set we bought a couple of weeks ago...when I commented on one of the features it had, he said "That's why I bought it." WHY, if you're not going to live here anymore?????? Then we're having a pleasant time playing with settng up the phone and his cell phone rings and I pick it up to take to him on the other room and see that it's OW calling - really messed me up, since I've been so good about not checking his cell phone history - I'd even allowed myself to think of the possibility that maybe they weren't in contact.
A friend of ours called and asked how I was doing and when we could get together. She hasn't called in a while, but I know that her H and mine are good friends and I just wonder if H told him/them something about his plans and so she, assuming I knew, was calling to check on me and make sure I was okay. He just left again to go have dinner with some of his colleagues at the university, asked me what I was going to do. I just said I didn't know - hadn't thought to have something ready yet.
Just remembered that last night when he called after being gone all day and I asked him where he was headed he said, "To...the apartment." - so careful not to say "home" anymore. Why doesn't he have the balls to say what he's planning???? And I can't say ANYTHING, right???
I redecorated the living room a bit last night - it's where he's been sleeping and was just a mess. It was getting depressing to me. There were these shelves I bought literally 2 years ago at least that have just been sitting in boxes against the wall. A couple of weeks ago when he was talking about leaving he cried when he said that every time I would go out of town he would say to himself that he was going to put those shelves up and surprise me - and he never did. He said, "I'm sorry I never put up shelves for you, for us." That is representative of all that HE hasn't done to strengthen our marriage, even when I've asked. I wonder if he just feels too guilty to go on with me, that there's just too much water under the bridge, or his pride won't let him admit except under duress how much HE would need to humble himself to work on this M, and it's just easier to say goodbye.
Anyway, I took the shelves out of the house last night and put them in the trunk of my car to donate to Goodwill - seeing them sitting there was probably very unhealthy for us both for a long time.
Thank you, allmyfault, for giving me the example of journaling some of this stuff - it helps.
There is so much that I've only recently learned from him that he assumes about me and us, that he keeps inside and acts upon without verifying it. That's what's making "no R talks" SO very difficult.
I did something before I started DBing that may have done/is doing irreparable harm to us. When I found out about OW I took our wedding rings off - pulled his off his hand and took mine off. His is sitting with his cuff links, and I carry mine with me and wear it only at work because I'm not ready to talk about anything yet there. I can't help thinking that he's reading huge messages into my not wearing the ring, even though I've told him I don't want him to leave. Starting to wear it without saying anything seems so "too little, too late" now that it's clear that moving out is the only thing on his mind - but I can't SAY anything, right, because that would be initiating R talk - but doing it without saying anything is almost like encouraging him to do what has contributed to our problems - see something and "read" meaning into it. If anybody's out there and still reading this - what do you think?
I hope you're still enjoying the sunshine - dont forget to go on your walks. Remember to take time to look after yourself.
I just wanted to say that (and I hope I am not out of line here, ignore this if you wish), from your posts, it feels like maybe your focus needs to be more on you at this moment. Look at what you're doing and what you are accomplishing. Maybe focus less on what your H is doing... just a thought.
Regarding your wedding rings - I know what you mean.
Quote: can't help thinking that he's reading huge messages into my not wearing the ring, even though I've told him I don't want him to leave. Starting to wear it without saying anything seems so "too little, too late" now that it's clear that moving out is the only thing on his mind - but I can't SAY anything, right, because that would be initiating R talk - but doing it without saying anything is almost like encouraging him to do what has contributed to our problems - see something and "read" meaning into it
If you feel that he is reading too much into your not wearing the wedding ring and that you want him to have the message that you are committed to your M - maybe you could unobtrusively put it on your finger when you both have planned to do something together (so you have the dressing up as an excuse, and then continue to wear it) or wear it after you've had a particularly good time together.
Thank you so much for checking, S. I'm not doing well at all. NOT talking about anything of consequence - especially since that's one of his complaints about me and I am so eager now to open up and work and change (even going to therapy which I never in a million years thought I would) is making me physically sick. So...I did a major DB boo-boo and asked him yesterday if we could plan to talk on Saturday. He very pleasantly said sure, didn't ask about what or anything. My MIL said that if I get to Saturday and I don't feel ready to talk about anything, or I'm not really ready to hear just how over me he is or how not over OW he is, I should just say that knowing how busy he is I just wanted to reserve some time for us to spend together and see how he's doing. But part of me is worried about how much sicker I might get being in limbo like this....
I have been walking and enjoying the sunshine - but got sick a couple of days ago so not as much as I wish. Am being totally unproductive at work and probably on my way to being fired...at a point at which I was looking forward to slowing down my career and finally having him take the lead on supporting us afer so many years - guess not - what a cliche! Wife puts H through school and then gets dumped for younger model when H reaches career goals - geez!
Send me some energy and focus this way, will you? Thanks for the support -
I'm not trying to give you advice - I really don't trust my own judgement at the moment, so I don't expect you to! I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. So sad that we have to go through these things, all we can do is try to be strong, and when we are feeling weak hope that we can rely on our friends to hold us up!
Hey there, Just checking in to see how the weekend went. Did you have your talk yesterday and how did it go?
BTW, just wondering - did you have a chance to think about your situation in terms of goals - long and short term? Maybe if you havent, it may be useful to start listing some goals. This might help because it helps to understand that this is a long term process but that there are sign posts along the way that we can look out for and assess how we are doing.
I havent had a chance to write about what is happening with me but tomorrow I will do so and you will see that I really need to take my own advice first lol. I had some goals I started out with but then they got sidelined and now I need to revisit them and see how I am doing and see if I need to reorient my actions in any way. Anyway sorry for rambling on but just wanted to say hi. Take care
